Missbx

Hi all, this is my first post. Please bare with me, I’m just looking for some advice from others who have been in my situation. My partner is an alcoholic. He told me this before we got together and I respected his honesty. But the way his drinking has progressed during the course of our two year relationship, and the way his behaviour whilst drunk has changed, has become too much for me to bare. He’s always drank large amounts, and often. But he used to be a happy drunk. Over The last year, this has gradually changed and now every time he gets drunk he becomes angry. He had never been physically violent towards me although he has been involved in several fights when he goes out. With me he is very nasty verbally. He says some disgusting things as if he’s going out of his way to purposely hurt me, and seems to get enjoyment from it at the time. He’s always regretful afterwards but never sorry enough to stop it happening again - verbal abuse has now become my normality. He doesn’t drink every day, but never goes a week without it. He’ll usually start by having a few cans of lager one day, and be fine.. but because he was fine that time, he’ll tell himself he can have a few more the next day and still be fine. And once he’s got that taste for it, he will increase the amount he drinks until he does end up out of his head. Then all hell breaks loose. I used to tolerate this to a certain extent - but now we have a 10 month old baby and his behaviour while drunk has got worse and worse since she’s been born. He’s a good dad when he’s sober, but he never stays sober for more than a few days, and when he’s drunk he doesn’t care about anything other than where the next drunk is coming from. He’s lost countless jobs for turning up to work drunk or not turning up at all, which puts huge financial pressure on me considering I’m on maternity leave and left to support the 3 of us. It’s got to the point where I have thrown him out because I obviously don’t want our baby growing up in this environment, seeing him in the states he gets in, hearing the way he speaks to me and seeing me cry all the time. But when he sobers up the messages start .. he’s sorry, he knows he’s behaved in a disgusting way and he really does want to change, but he can’t do it alone and needs my support, begging me to stand by him. Every time I let him back, things are fine for a few days but then it starts again. If I refuse to let him back, he calls me cruel and selfish. He lies constantly, and tries to sneak drinks thinking I won’t notice when he knows full well I will.. then if I confront him he’ll get mad at me for ‘accusing him’ when it’s very obvious he’s had a drink. He’ll lie to my face then try to make me feel guilty for calling him out on it! Every day I feel stressed, anxious, on edge, literally hate leaving the house without him because I’m worried I’ll come home to him drunk (which has happened so many times), hate him leaving the house without me because even popping to the shop or for a haircut is an opportunity for him to ‘sneak’ a drink. Even on the good days I’m unhappy because I know the next bad one isn’t far away. The situation is breaking my heart and I just don’t know what to do anymore. He struggles with his mental health also, and when he drinks he doesn’t take his medication which doesn’t help. Now hes back tracking and saying he’s not an alcoholic, he’s “only an alcoholic when he’s drunk” as if that’s even a thing! I am extremely miserable that this has become my life, I refuse to let it become my daughters life but I get him calling me selfish and cruel for throwing him out, rather than standing by him.. which I have done for two years and his behaviour has become worse, not better. I obviously don’t want to see him on the street, but I can’t go on living in this environment or have him think I’m being cruel or trying to punish him.. when what I am infact trying to do is put my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of our daughter first, as any parent should, having seen no improvement in his behaviour. The house is in my name and when I throw him out he says I’m just on a power trip. How long can I go on like this? He has a referral for help but I worry how seriously he’s going to take it considering he’s now saying he’s not an alcoholic, even though he has admitted in the past that he is. He just seems to downplay how bad the problem is, the affect it’s having on me, and the affect it will inevitably have on our daughter as she gets older. He has friends he stays with when I throw him out, but they are also alcoholics so that’s not good for him. But having him live with me isn’t good for me or our daughter. Am I selfish for making him leave when he’s struggling with addiction? When I’m unsure if he really even wants to change?

trailmix

HI Missbx, glad you found the forum, but sorry for what brings you here.

As you read around the forum, you will find many stories you can relate to. You are not alone.

First things first - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Translation: he’s sorry, he knows he’s behaved in a disgusting way - but he's not taking any action to change that and would like you to just go along with this.

No need to be unsure about this, he has shown this to you over and over and over again. Does he need help getting himself together, probably at this point, however that would be the help of a group like AA, a therapist or rehab, no kind of help you can give him. If all he needs is you! Well, he would be sober.

You are not being cruel at all. You are brave to want to protect yourself and your Daughter. Even if you couldn't do this for yourself (which you are in part and that's such a good outlook) do it for your Daughter. You are her protector and you are absolutely correct that he needs to not be where you two are.

So, yes, I think you are right to have him move out. If he ever decides to get help and is sober for say a year or more, well sure, you could revisit the relationship (if you are even interested in doing that), but for now, he is not safe to be around.

The signs he is displaying, calling you selfish and uncaring and on a power trip, this is just the addiction, things get turned around and deflected and lied about, all in favour of protecting the drinking. Alcoholism is progressive, as you have seen. Until he stops (and that means stopping forever, no drinking at all) it will just get worse and worse.

This is supposed to be a happy time for you, don't let him destroy that? Take your maternity leave and have a lovely, peaceful time with your Daughter.

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Missbx

@trailmix thank you so much for your reply. It’s good to hear an outsider’s perspective because he honestly does get me questioning my own reality at times. When he’s sober I have to ask myself if his drunken moments are as bad as I thought.. then it happens again and it’s confirmed that yes, they really are. I know I’m not doing it to be cruel, or to have some sort of power over him like he seems to think. I’m doing it because I have reached my absolute limit. No matter how close he has come to losing me, his home, no matter how many times he’s said he’s sorry and wants to change.. nothing ever does. I’ve told him his words have lost meaning when the actions don’t match. He has got a referral for help with his drinking. He’s been to the initial assessment and they gave him a drink diary to fill out.. which he hasn’t done because he drinks so much he blacks out and has no idea how much/what he’s had. He’s currently waiting for appointment number two, but as I said, I’m doubting how seriously he’s going to take it considering he’s now backtracking and saying he’s not an alcoholic. If he’s denying the severity of the problem then no amount of help is going to make a difference. I question wether he really even wants the help, or wether he’s just doing it to shut me up after asking him to so many times. I honestly feel like he just wants to carry on as he is, but wont accept the consequences it comes with - aka, moving out so that my daughter and myself are not repeatedly exposed to it. Tonight he told me he will kill himself in January if I don’t let him stay (he’s been drinking again today, he has been since Monday & today is Wednesday). He tells me he’s trying his best, yet he will use any opportunity he possibly can to have a drink. And most of the time, lie about it when confronted. He’ll try making me feel bad for apparently accusing him of something he knows he’s done. Sometimes I notice and just don’t even bother saying anything anymore because I know he’ll just lie and it’s not worth the hassle of having it turned round on me.

Stany

Hello and welcome, Missbx. I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom for you, but I am also relatively new here and am trying to learn.

Much of what you said resonates (the verbal cruelty, the lying the deflection). I just wanted to reach out to tell you you are not alone. Sending virtual hugs to you and your sweet baby.

trailmix

Maybe this should be your new mantra? It's honestly the best approach right now perhaps. There is nothing you can do.

This is his issue, the only person that can get him to quit drinking is - him. No amount of prodding, nagging, cajoling or compassionate talk will change this.

As you read around the forum you might start to see this pattern. An alcoholic who is in recovery but falls off the wagon or an alcoholic who gets married and the couple has children and a house and a white picket fence. The alcoholic claimed he wanted all this, or at least agreed this was the path. But then continued to drink and none of it is as shiny as it should be because it can't be and have addiction involved.

Alcoholics make terrible partners and even worse parents. So what they want, or think they want might be totally incompatible with the lifestyle they have actually chosen. As you know you need to provide for your family, be honest, kind, patient, responsible etc etc - not drunk half the time.

Yes, he will attempt to make you feel guilty and heartless and responsible for his unhappiness, he will try to manipulate (killing himself in January), gaslight and lie to keep you stuck.

But you don't have to be. The most important thing is to stop listening to him. His words don't hold meaning anymore. He loves alcohol more than you, more than your Daughter, his friends and family and more than himself. You can't fix that.

If the "best" he can do is not being able to keep a drinking diary and being drunk most of the time, well, that's the answer to that.



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Stany

There’s another acronym that I’ve heard from therapists and I’ve tried to remember: FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) — the things that often keep people in unhealthy relationships. When you can learn to let go of those, it can make your own path more clear.

LucyIntheGarden

Hello Missbx,

I felt anxiety and a bit of queasiness reading your post, as I remember that life. It was decades ago. But it stays in our body forever. It will also stay in your child's body forever, and believe me, he will spew plenty of verbal abuse at her as soon as she's able to say "no." As every two -year- old does. It will start then and it will NOT STOP.

So make arrangements to get him permanently out of your house. I agree with everything trailmix posted. And want to emphasize that no matter what crap is going down with him, he will blame YOU.

He will not be alone long, once he's out. Alcoholics are pathetically dependent (yes, DEPENDENT) on their spouses, and on their own, they will hunt for a replacement as fast as they can. Be emotionally prepared for it. And count your blessings he's gone.

If you can find the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it will do you a world of good with the reality checks.

I can't tell you how thankful to my higher power I am that I got away from a life with an angry alcoholic husband. All my good wishes to you and your baby.

velma929

Hmmm. My husband didn't lie, really. Deflect, sure. he tried to lecture me about using too much aspirin, once. I had carpal tunnel syndrome. I had to remind him that I neve missed work because I took too much aspirin the day before.

I guess the reason he didn't lie to me is because I learned in another situation that liars lie, no matter shat you do. And asking them questions and having them lie AGAIN is just infuriating. I had a co-irker who lied a lot, so eventually, I just stopped putting my self into situations where I knew I'd be angry all over again.

Missbx

@Stany you’re so right.
Fear - I’m more afraid of being with him than I am of being without him. Because life with him is just chaos. So I think I’ve already let go of that one.
But obligation and guilt I am finding hard to let go of. I do feel that I am somehow responsible for him even though I know I’m not. He’s a grown man with two kids (one from a previous relationship) yet when he drinks he behaves like a teenage wannabe gangster, he has no care for who he hurts, he has no care for anything other than where his next drink is coming from. And he’ll continue like that for days until he makes himself too ill to carry on, or until he has no more means of supply. Then he’ll be sober for a few days, until the aftermath of his latest bender calms down.. then the cycle starts again. The guilt part comes because I know the only place he has to go is to stay with his friends, who are also alcoholics. And the fact that he keeps saying to me that I’m cruel & selfish to throw him out because of an illness that isn’t his fault. And while I do understand why he would feel that way, I also feel HE is being cruel & selfish by allowing our child and me to go on living in this situation. He can’t seem to stop drinking, but he doesn’t want to leave either. By asking to stay, knowing that he cannot stop drinking and behaving the way he does (having been given so many chances I’ve lost count!), he is asking me to put his needs before those of our daughter and myself. But he’s not willing to put OUR needs before his. But I’m the one being selfish because his drinking isn’t his fault?

Missbx

@velma929 yeah I’ve had that too. He has tried to compare my vaping to his drinking. My vaping doesn’t cause me to hurt people, behave in an abusive way, lose jobs, blow all my money, end up in bed ill for days. It’s not the same at all. I never even entertained his attempt at that.
The lying drives me insane. He’s so out of his head sometimes that he’ll sit there and tell me he’s not/hasn’t been drinking while he’s holding a can of lager in his hand! It’s not hard to tell when he’s had a drink, even if he’s not drunk. He doesn’t hide it well at all. But I get it turned around on me when I point out I can tell he’s had a drink - “stop accusing me all the time”.. when he knows he’s done it!

Missbx

​@LucyIntheGarden yeah I have no doubts about the fact he won’t be on his own long. The amount of times I’ve caught him messaging other women is ridiculous. Blatantly trying to crack onto them, asking if there’s room for him in their bed etc.. when confronted he says “I was drunk, I don’t know why I do it, I’m not interested in anyone else, it’s all talk and I wouldn’t actually do anything” etc etc …. As if I should accept him being drunk as an excuse. If the roles were reversed and it was me messaging other men like that I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be ok with that! It’s extremely humiliating for me, some of these women he messages are people I know. I dread to think how he must behave when he’s out.

biminiblue

Pitch him out.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and trying to use the "illness" angle is just ludicrous. Yeah, it's an illness like hitting your hand with a hammer over and over is an "accident."

Let him go and find a much better life for yourself. He'll be doing the same thing to the next woman in three...two...one...

Missbx

@biminiblue he suffers with depression and anxiety too, he’s on medication for it (although doesn’t take it when he’s drinking because he’s too drunk to even think about it). And he blames his poor mental health for how bad his drunken behaviour has become. It seems to have got 10x worse since our little one made an appearance 10 months ago. He says I’ve become more judgemental of his illness, but that’s not the case.. I’ve just become less accepting, and won’t tolerate it the way I used to because now it isn’t just him and me, there’s a baby too! He says he uses drink as an escape.. even though he knows the negative impact it has on him, and everyone around him. To me that’s selfish. He feels very sorry for himself after a bender, when he’s ill and suffering the consequences of what he’s done.. he’s full of apologies, but then when he’s feeling better he will start to downplay it as if he hasn’t really done anything wrong by getting drunk (again). I starting to think that his claims that he wants to change and live a normal life are just words with no real meaning other than to convince me. Surely if he really wanted to sort himself out and make a better life not only for us as a family, but for himself as a person.. then he would do whatever it took to avoid drinking rather than use any opportunity he can to do it? Literally he can’t go get his brother a birthday card without coming home with a can of lager.. or pop out for a haircut without having a drink thinking/hoping I won’t notice. I can’t even go visit my mother for a couple of hours without worrying he’s going to use the opportunity of me and the baby being out of the house (which he has done many a time, sober when I leave but drunk by the time I get back) .. our baby is 10 months old and I won’t leave her with him because I don’t trust that he won’t drink while he’s got her. It’s an awful way to be living. But he’s very convincing when he’s sober and says how much he wants to stop all this, so I end up feeling guilty, giving him the benefit of the doubt.. just to be let down again within a week. It’s been like this since our little one was born and not showing any signs of getting any better. I’ve told him I have to do what’s in our child’s best interest, and he says she needs her father around.. which I agree with. But sober! Not the drunken, volatile, irresponsible mess he becomes so regularly. Because when he’s like that, he’s no partner or father. He’s a liability! I can’t have him around us like that! He says he understands that but I should let him in when he’s sober? But I’ve tried to explain to him there’s no point because he won’t be sober for long, and I don’t want him here the next time the drink takes over - which it will, it always does. He looks at it as me punishing him, not that I’m prioritising the well-being of my child and preventing her from growing up in an unhealthy toxic environment, as any parent should, including him. If he can’t or won’t stop drinking, surely if he cares for our daughter he should be willing to move out so that she doesn’t have to be exposed to it. But all he seems to think about is himself and his needs rather than hers or mine.

Stany

Exactly. Your last sentence says it all. All he’s focused on is himself and his own needs and wants. He’s making promises, but his actions are showing you who he is — where his heart and mind are.

Listen to what he’s doing.

It sounds like he’s really working the Obligation and Guilt and I know from experience how easy it is for your head to get twisted around by these sorts of manipulation tactics. But, ultimately, you know the truth. You’re not being cruel. You’re prioritizing yourself and your child, as it should be. Your daughter is completely dependent upon you for her safety — both physical and emotional. Her father is incapable of fulfilling his role, putting it all on you.

I understand your frustration. I’ve felt it myself. It seems like our SOs should be able to see and think rationally — “drinking is hurting me and my family. I should stop. By not stopping, I’m putting myself and alcohol ahead of my loved ones.” But it’s not that simple. The disease/addiction/demon is loud. Loud enough to shout over the rational, healthy voices.

Missbx

@Stany you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph - I think that’s why I was so patient and tolerant of it before, because I know that prolonged alcohol use does alter your brain chemistry and the way you think. As you said, the voice of addiction shouts louder than the rational healthy voices. But I can’t be like that anymore now there’s a baby too. He gets in such a state that on several occasions he’s vomited all over himself, and a couple of times where he’s been so out of it he didn’t even know he was being sick and couldn’t lift his own head, I had to turn him over to stop him choking. I can’t have out daughter growing up witnessing things like that, or the way he talks to me (which is beyond vile!) .. I can’t have her grow up thinking this is normal.

Hawkeye13

No you can’t—she has no choice and it’s up to you to protect her. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it damaged me terribly. I reached adulthood with trust and intimacy issues, low self-esteem, and a budding alcohol habit which kept growing. That was my role model of how to deal with problems, or “have fun” after all. . .You may have noticed already the progression of the disease. It doesn’t get better, only worse left untreated. He clearly is not even ready to be honest, let alone do the hard work of recovery at this time.

He’s a grown man and can take care of himself if he chooses, and make his own choices. Get him out and have a peaceful and safe holiday season with your daughter. She only has one childhood and your home should be her safe and happy place. You also deserve this.

Missbx

@Hawkeye13 exactly, it’s up to her parents to make sure she grows up in a healthy environment. He’s her parent too, so in my eyes he should be willing to move out and know it’s in her best interest while his addiction is active. He should know this situation will be damaging for her the older she gets, and he should be willing to do whatever he has to in order to protect her from it. But he just doesn’t seem to see it that way, and instead thinks I’m being cruel and trying to punish him. He’s even said I’m trying to take her from him, which isn’t the case - living apart doesn’t mean he won’t get to see and have a relationship with his daughter, I just don’t want him around her (or me!) when he’s drunk. And with us living together there’s always that risk. I’ve tried explaining to him that as she gets older, if she has to keep seeing him like that she’s going to grow up scared of him, and that’s the last thing I want because when he’s sober he’s a completely different person. It will be so confusing for her to constantly see the way he changes when he’s drunk. He’s already out, but pleading to come home now that his latest bender is over.. his logic is that he’s sober now so there’s no reason he can’t come home, but there is… there’s the fact that he won’t be sober for long!

trailmix

You are really thinking clearly about this in my opinion Miss. If he is already out that's where he should stay.

As you know it's just a pattern, sober for a day or two, starts feeling better, then back to drinking again. Nothing has changed.

He would perhaps need a good solid year of sobriety and a solid recovery program that he was working at before it would be wise to allow him to return, even then, he might not be ready, that will be your judgement. Of course you don't have to do any of that, you may not be interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

You're also right that she will be scared of him once she's old enough to see what's going on. He will be the man in her life, her example of how a man behaves and how he treats his partner and others. Many think, yes, but won't it be OBVIOUS that not all men are that way, well sure, but that is not her "norm".

Eauchiche

Dear Missbx
The others here have already given you excellent input that I cannot improve upon. However, you will find me more blunt than the others.

You feel trapped and rightfully so.
I am here to tell you, however, that the cell door is open and you are free to walk out.
This will require changing your own perspective away from being an inmate to a free person.

"Trapped" people stay in these relationships because they are often "familiar," in every sense of that word. You felt comfortable in that cell until you didn't anymore.
Get out, then get to work on yourself.

Wifeandmum41

Hi,

I'm new too. In a very very similar situation. However I have let this go on for many years now. I'm now stuck in a marriage with an alcoholic and the ONLY reason I'm still here is for my younger 2 children are 10 and 11. They would be heartbroken if we split up as ive always managed to hide his behaviour from them. If I could tell my younger self anything it would have been to walk away when they were babies, so they would have known no different. Sending hugs