Missbx

Hi all, this is my first post. Please bare with me, I’m just looking for some advice from others who have been in my situation. My partner is an alcoholic. He told me this before we got together and I respected his honesty. But the way his drinking has progressed during the course of our two year relationship, and the way his behaviour whilst drunk has changed, has become too much for me to bare. He’s always drank large amounts, and often. But he used to be a happy drunk. Over The last year, this has gradually changed and now every time he gets drunk he becomes angry. He had never been physically violent towards me although he has been involved in several fights when he goes out. With me he is very nasty verbally. He says some disgusting things as if he’s going out of his way to purposely hurt me, and seems to get enjoyment from it at the time. He’s always regretful afterwards but never sorry enough to stop it happening again - verbal abuse has now become my normality. He doesn’t drink every day, but never goes a week without it. He’ll usually start by having a few cans of lager one day, and be fine.. but because he was fine that time, he’ll tell himself he can have a few more the next day and still be fine. And once he’s got that taste for it, he will increase the amount he drinks until he does end up out of his head. Then all hell breaks loose. I used to tolerate this to a certain extent - but now we have a 10 month old baby and his behaviour while drunk has got worse and worse since she’s been born. He’s a good dad when he’s sober, but he never stays sober for more than a few days, and when he’s drunk he doesn’t care about anything other than where the next drunk is coming from. He’s lost countless jobs for turning up to work drunk or not turning up at all, which puts huge financial pressure on me considering I’m on maternity leave and left to support the 3 of us. It’s got to the point where I have thrown him out because I obviously don’t want our baby growing up in this environment, seeing him in the states he gets in, hearing the way he speaks to me and seeing me cry all the time. But when he sobers up the messages start .. he’s sorry, he knows he’s behaved in a disgusting way and he really does want to change, but he can’t do it alone and needs my support, begging me to stand by him. Every time I let him back, things are fine for a few days but then it starts again. If I refuse to let him back, he calls me cruel and selfish. He lies constantly, and tries to sneak drinks thinking I won’t notice when he knows full well I will.. then if I confront him he’ll get mad at me for ‘accusing him’ when it’s very obvious he’s had a drink. He’ll lie to my face then try to make me feel guilty for calling him out on it! Every day I feel stressed, anxious, on edge, literally hate leaving the house without him because I’m worried I’ll come home to him drunk (which has happened so many times), hate him leaving the house without me because even popping to the shop or for a haircut is an opportunity for him to ‘sneak’ a drink. Even on the good days I’m unhappy because I know the next bad one isn’t far away. The situation is breaking my heart and I just don’t know what to do anymore. He struggles with his mental health also, and when he drinks he doesn’t take his medication which doesn’t help. Now hes back tracking and saying he’s not an alcoholic, he’s “only an alcoholic when he’s drunk” as if that’s even a thing! I am extremely miserable that this has become my life, I refuse to let it become my daughters life but I get him calling me selfish and cruel for throwing him out, rather than standing by him.. which I have done for two years and his behaviour has become worse, not better. I obviously don’t want to see him on the street, but I can’t go on living in this environment or have him think I’m being cruel or trying to punish him.. when what I am infact trying to do is put my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of our daughter first, as any parent should, having seen no improvement in his behaviour. The house is in my name and when I throw him out he says I’m just on a power trip. How long can I go on like this? He has a referral for help but I worry how seriously he’s going to take it considering he’s now saying he’s not an alcoholic, even though he has admitted in the past that he is. He just seems to downplay how bad the problem is, the affect it’s having on me, and the affect it will inevitably have on our daughter as she gets older. He has friends he stays with when I throw him out, but they are also alcoholics so that’s not good for him. But having him live with me isn’t good for me or our daughter. Am I selfish for making him leave when he’s struggling with addiction? When I’m unsure if he really even wants to change?