justanotherfool

Hi,

Background: I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. We have four kids together. He is Japanese, and we lived with him there in Japan for the past 15 years. But his drinking has only gotten worse. He hid it from me for quite awhile—I’ve never been around alcohol and honestly didn’t even know what it smelled like…I do now, unfortunately. His alcohol addiction and porn addiction have gotten so bad, that it was having a very negative effect on our kids… so we moved back stateside. (Re: his porn addiction, I found 13 hidden phones, iPads, and a portable dvd player with two duffel bags full of porn dvds in a year and a half… serious addiction.) He also engages in gaslighting, lying, and manipulating to get his way, though sometimes it feels like he does it to me because he enjoys it.

Situation now: I try to keep things light when I call or text him— (he rarely makes the effort to text, and the cold shoulder from him can last anywhere from weeks to months), but I try to keep him up to date about what the kids are doing, ask him about what he’s been up to… but everything is still all my fault. he says me asking how his day is going is me demanding to know where he is and trying to control him. He says that me trying to include him in the kids’ lives is me rubbing it in that he’s not a part of their lives now— even though he doesn’t make any effort. And they are fine with such little contact because that’s the way it was when we were physically there; I played both parts while he would only get involved if they did something amazing.

Anyway, he says he’s decided that I just have to deal with his drinking now, and that he deserves to drink whenever he wants and however much he wants, and that if I can’t, then we shouldn’t come home. He’s also demanding that I never bring up any of his addictions again, otherwise he’ll hang up on me and not respond until I either apologize or pretend nothing is wrong.

It’s taken years, but now I fully realize this is crappy and toxic. I’ve tried discussing divorce, but the way he responded sounded as if he was threatening me when he said that no matter what, he’ll never let us divorce.

I just needed to get this out, I don’t know what to do anymore and I’ve done absolutely everything I possibly could at this point. He tells me that I need therapy to fix me. He also says I should pray for him so “Satan will stop making him do bad things”.

has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

velma929

I don't know how divorce laws work where you married. Here in the US though, one party can't stop a divorce. It doeesn't work that way. In fact, in most states, one doesn't even need to show cause for a divorce. You have extra steps to go through in adequately notifying your spouse.

justanotherfool

I’ve spoken with an attorney in Japan, and they said that even though we were married in America, because he lives in Japan, that we’d have to get divorced in Japan. It’s super easy to get divorced there- you get a paper from city hall, fill it out, sign it, get your spouse to sign it, hand it in and you’re divorced. But he refuses to do that, and we aren’t physically there to do it, and I am super scared to go back to divorce because Japanese law is that the last Japanese national to be in possession of the children is considered the parent to have custody. And who knows what he’d do.

Steely

If you went back to Japan for divorce do you have to take the children with you?

justanotherfool

I know there are specific rules I have to follow, I’m just not sure what they all are. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories of other divorced international couples where children are being kidnapped and the foreigner not being allowed to even contact them.

also, as ridiculous as it is… I still hope he’ll choose to be better. I don’t understand how someone can choose something so harmful over people that they claim to love.

trailmix

Please don't rely on his "potential" - he has told you what he is going to do, accept his word on that. He is going to drink and enjoy his huge collection of porn. If by some magic he changes, well you can perhaps revisit that at the time.

Addicts choose their addiction all the time. They love their addictions more than anything, it is the focus of their lives. Until such time as he chooses to stop his addictions, for himself and makes that decision for himself, there is not much you can do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

With him being so hostile and mean to you, do you think it's a good idea to keep in contact with him at all? Maybe it's better for everyone involved to create more distance?

I would contact a different attorney, once that specifically deals with international law or a large firm that deals with divorce. Or, if that's not an option, perhaps hire a paralegal to do the paperwork. I doubt him being in Japan has anything to do with it. You just file as you normally would.

I'm pretty sure you can file for divorce in the U.S., it may not be recognized in Japan (but I can't see why not), but you don't even need to divorce where you got married. I have been married in one country and divorced in another.

trailmix

One other thing I wanted to add. You did a really brave thing by leaving and in my opinion you did the right thing, for you and your kiddies.

I know you would like it to be different and it's very hurtful, but hang in there. It will take time to heal from this.

justanotherfool

I’m beginning to understand this. But it still baffles me that it can take priority over your own family, especially when they are clearly telling you that they are leaving possibly forever because of it.

thank you. It doesn’t feel like the right thing yet, it feels like I’m drowning in despair and numb to all things joyous. But I only let myself feel that after my kids are in bed. So maybe that’s why it’s taking so long—we’ve been back for over six months— and I recognize in the grand scheme of things that’s not long, but it certainly feels long. And it’s longer than I’ve ever left him before, so I am trying.

Eauchiche

^^^^THIS
Also, contrary to your screen name, you are NO fool. You got out of that toxic mess.
I am so sorry for what brings you here.

trailmix

No, it won't yet, but it is. Sometimes the "right thing" hurts a lot! Sometimes it's easier to just stay and avoid all the fall out and hurt. As another member here mentions often, it's the short term pain for the long term gain (I'm sure it doesn't feel short term at this point).

The most important thing right now is to focus on yourself. Although you wish he might be who he was when you met him or how he was x number of years ago, sadly, he is no longer that person. Alcoholism is progressive as well. How much he drinks today or 6 months ago is not how he will be drinking 6 months from now.

It is baffling that men and women can leave their SO's, children, babies, jobs, friends and family to drink or use other drugs, but it happens all the time. It's very difficult to wrap your head around if you aren't an addict. Why would this person give up their family? Why would they, effectively, destroy their lives for a drink?

Alcohol damages the brain, the receptors don't work the same as they normally would. Things that you might find amazing and bring you joy, like something your child did or a beautiful sunset, fall flat for an addict without their drug. When they aren't drinking they are thinking of the next drink, when they are they are wondering if they have enough, that doesn't leave a lot of time to consider relationships, their relationship is with alcohol.

Some things to do that might help. Make a list of all the terrible things he has done. Short and precise so you can refer to it as often as you need to when you start ruminating about the "good times".

- Never attended children's school presentations
- Always had to drink before going out
- Stated I was a terrible Mother and a useless wife (or whatever horrible things he might have said)
- Would only go to places where alcohol is served
- Stated I would have to accept his alcohol use and porn if we wanted to stay

etc etc - you get the idea. It seems counter-intuitive but it actually might make you feel a little bit better (and maybe even a little angry). You may need to refer to it 10 times a day to start, to remind yourself why you aren't with him.

Take walks, do fun things with your kids, try to connect with family and friends, if you have a trusted friend, tell them your story as well. Attend an Al Anon meeting and see if you find that helps, they even have them online.

Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction (for you, not for him).

Most of all take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. The days will get brighter and taking care of yourself will help. Focus on you and the kiddies, when you find yourself thinking of him, drag yourself back to the present. It has only been 6 months but you are healing slowly, even if it's hard to see right now.

velma929

I'd get a second opinion on your divorce proceedings. Although the process in Japan may be easier, I'm certain there's a way to divorce him from the US, even if it's more complicated and time-consuming.

advbike

Sorry to hear what you've been going through, but so glad that you got out. Trailmix is absolutely correct about the addiction taking over one's thinking and priorities. The brain is altered permanently by both addictions - even if he got sober from both, it would take years of recovery and a lot of work. Notably, it's something that no one can tell him to do, addicts have to do this on their own.

needuall

Thank you for your post and so sorry for the insanity you are dealing with. There is a lot of understanding here along with helpful and realistic responses. I do hope you do not let any of his meanness to you sink in at all. I know it is hard but you know it is all nonsense!