Originally Posted by
justanotherfool 
thank you. It doesn’t feel like the right thing yet, it feels like I’m drowning in despair and numb to all things joyous. But I only let myself feel that after my kids are in bed. So maybe that’s why it’s taking so long—we’ve been back for over six months— and I recognize in the grand scheme of things that’s not long, but it certainly feels long. And it’s longer than I’ve ever left him before, so I am trying.
No, it won't yet, but it is. Sometimes the "right thing" hurts a lot! Sometimes it's easier to just stay and avoid all the fall out and hurt. As another member here mentions often, it's the short term pain for the long term gain (I'm sure it doesn't feel short term at this point).
The most important thing right now is to focus on yourself. Although you wish he might be who he was when you met him or how he was x number of years ago, sadly, he is no longer that person. Alcoholism is progressive as well. How much he drinks today or 6 months ago is not how he will be drinking 6 months from now.
It is baffling that men and women can leave their SO's, children, babies, jobs, friends and family to drink or use other drugs, but it happens all the time. It's very difficult to wrap your head around if you aren't an addict. Why would this person give up their family? Why would they, effectively, destroy their lives for a drink?
Alcohol damages the brain, the receptors don't work the same as they normally would. Things that you might find amazing and bring you joy, like something your child did or a beautiful sunset, fall flat for an addict without their drug. When they aren't drinking they are thinking of the next drink, when they are they are wondering if they have enough, that doesn't leave a lot of time to consider relationships, their relationship is with alcohol.
Some things to do that might help. Make a list of all the terrible things he has done. Short and precise so you can refer to it as often as you need to when you start ruminating about the "good times".
- Never attended children's school presentations
- Always had to drink before going out
- Stated I was a terrible Mother and a useless wife (or whatever horrible things he might have said)
- Would only go to places where alcohol is served
- Stated I would have to accept his alcohol use and porn if we wanted to stay
etc etc - you get the idea. It seems counter-intuitive but it actually might make you feel a little bit better (and maybe even a little angry). You may need to refer to it 10 times a day to start, to remind yourself why you aren't with him.
Take walks, do fun things with your kids, try to connect with family and friends, if you have a trusted friend, tell them your story as well. Attend an Al Anon meeting and see if you find that helps, they even have them online.
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction (for you, not for him).
Most of all take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. The days will get brighter and taking care of yourself will help. Focus on you and the kiddies, when you find yourself thinking of him, drag yourself back to the present. It has only been 6 months but you are healing slowly, even if it's hard to see right now.