Smetz1086

I need help to understand this … my s/o is mad at me because I stalked him to see if he was drinking again ! So now he says he can’t trust me ? Wtf ?? We both had drinking problems and as of 11/29/22 I went sober no issue … I told him that he could either follow suit or hit the door ( we have 3 kids ) so he followed suit and I was sooo stinking proud of him ! He was going to the gym and all around our marrige was great … then one day he gets a wild hair up his ass and all of a sudden wants a drink … he had his two shots and that was it , I didn’t say much at the time …. I have a nose like a bloodhound and smelt it on him a few days later and he denied having a drink , then finally told me the truth that he did …. Also the same day I looked ay his history for goggle and he asked “ what alcohol can not be smelled “ like why hide it ? Granted I did warn him that if he wanted to drink that I will not stay … so I guess that’s why he hides it … anyways I outed him today and he was pisssssed … I few bad for saying anything About it at all … maybe I’m making a big deal of just two or three shots a day ? Idk I’m conflicted , and now he is all mad at me and says he can’t trust me anymore because I was stalking him … I told him because I care that’s why I was and that I didn’t want him to fall off the wagon

sorry I hate putting periods … I’m just one big run on sentence

trailmix

hi smetz. Well there are a few things going on here. This first is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. That doesn't mean either of you are wrong or right, it just is.

You told him that if he continues to drink, you are not going to stay, but you didn't actually follow that up with any action, so you didn't really mean it, it was more of a threat than a boundary? Unless you are willing to back up a boundary you make, it's really kind of not worth saying. It also indicates to the other person that you don't say what you mean, that they can stomp on your boundary and there is no consequence.

Is it two or three shots a day? He's lying to you so you have no way of knowing.

That's really beside the point though. It is completely up to you what you want to live with. Are you willing to live with a drinker? If not, then you can choose to leave. Again, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, so anything you say is probably not having any impact on him.

As for following him or looking at his phone or however you found out, well now you know. It will be a trust issue for him I suppose, but you already knew that maybe?

If he is going to fall off the wagon (well, he already has), that's out of your control. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). No matter how much you care, no matter how much love you have for him, if he is going to drink, well he is. He is a grown man and does get to make that decision. Your decision is, do you want you and your children to be around that?

SproutLife

Yeah its a bummer that hes hiding it from you. I think if hes hiding it from you then hes hiding it from himself too. If it was "just two shots" why where they so important as to risk losing you and the kids that he needed to lie about it.

I will say you cant get into this game though. You cant try and snoop him out he will just get more clever. He is the one losing in the end. Like the person above said, you can only control what you do, not him. You look at his actions not words and make a decision. Its a ****** place to be in, make sure you think about whats best for you right now. He is doing the same for him.

biminiblue

I would be mad if I were him too, but he is still drinking so he really has no leg to stand on.

Setting yourself up in that role of sober police will be really stressful for you and will increase the arguing between you.

I guess you either accept that he's drinking or you get out. Really the only two choices, yeah?