Leesir89

My guy, hard to say boyfriend when I feel it’s impossible to maintain a relationship with a 12 month rehab program looming over, left for rehab yesterday. My heart hurts as 12 months is a long time to be apart, but ultimately know that him going there is the best thing for him. Of course, I’m hoping it will lead to us being together in the end, but I’m trying to work on managing my expectations of a desired outcome and offering unconditional love - regardless of where we will both be in a year. My questions + need for support is from the people who have people who have experienced rehab before with a significant other, bf/gf: how do you show support, be there for someone, while simultaneously releasing attachment and desired outcomes of a situation? Is it best to go no contact and hope that one day your paths cross again or keep minimal contact while setting up boundaries to protect yourself? If you’ve had boundaries for a person you love in rehab, what are they? How do you know that they will be honest and truthful as they may find their thoughts and feelings changing toward people from their past? How do you know they are really putting in the work and excited for change? I know a lot of the focus is on him, I realize that I could change significantly in the next year as well. It just leaves a lot of uncertainty and I would love to navigate this with love and support for him, but mostly with love for myself.

PineappleGirl78

Has he gone to rehab before? Never heard of a year long rehab. How long was he using/drinking? How long have you been together?
Most rehab places have rules in place for contact with the outside. My husband could only use the phone 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening. He could only use the computer with someone watching for a limited time to complete a specific task like sending a work email or online banking. So I wouldn't worry that you will have to set boundaries because there will more than likely already be in place. I would keep busy and get on with your own life in the meantime. Reconnect with kids, family, and friends. If you work throw yourself into your work. If you don't work, consider getting a part time job. This will give you a little bit of income, a different focus, and you will meet new people not connected to your current life. Consider going to counseling for yourself and catching up on all appointments for yourself like haircut, dentist, doctor, etc. Staying busy so you aren't worried about or focused on him is key. Also, when he calls don't get into any emotional deep discussions over the phone. He will be detoxing and you can't really take into consideration anything he says just yet. Especially if he is deep into drugs/alcohol the detox part can be very bad. He might not even be allowed to contact anyone for about a week or so just FYI. I'd keep conversations with him brief and just give him the happy facts about home life. Hope some of this helps! Good luck

Leesir89

@PineappleGirl78 thank you for your reply and long detailed message, I really appreciate it.

He’s previously went to a 30 day rehab, but this was years before I ever met him. He attempted to get clean a few times during our relationship, but was unsuccessful long term. He was recently in jail prior to this for 5 months and asked to go to rehab instead of additional jail/prison time. He elected the rehab he thought was best (12 month stay) and finally received the plea deal and just arrived at rehab yesterday. We’ve been together (on and off) for 3 years. His battle with addiction and all that comes with it being our main issues.

You are right in the fact that the facility will have their own rules surrounding contact with the outside and will keep him busy with working, meetings, and whatever else. This is all very new and I’m sure we will both become more aware of rules and regulations with time. This will definitely help with boundaries between the two of us.

I won’t sugarcoat when I say this, he has taken me through some dark times. I’ve dealt with things I shouldn’t ever have, as many of us have. Throughout the last year, I’ve worked on putting my own boundaries in place with him because our relationship was the typical codependent / addict relationship and it was killing me. However, I did everything with love. It was never because I wanted to but because I had to for myself. By putting up a boundary that he couldn’t be in my life until he was clean, we went our separate ways and some time later - he ended up in jail on his own accord. He reached out to me about a month into his jail stay and I have been supportive of his journey since, as I saw changes. This process helped me gain a backbone that I hadn’t had with him before.

Thank you also for giving great advice! It is imperative for me to pour into myself and my other relationships, not stop my life and just wait on him, pour myself into my work, hobbies etc. I have done this enough times with him to know what I need to do, but lack the ability to remember that when I get overwhelmed with emotions and thinking of time, changes, etc. It hurt so bad seeing the progress and having him leave again, when I desperately miss the good in him. it reopened a lot of wounds. However, him completing this program and finding a new way of life is what is most important to me. I don’t want the old him back, I want the person I know he can be. But ultimately, I just want him to have a full life - even if that means we aren’t in one another’s lives.

thank you for explaining best practices for approaching future conversations and truly be a support for him throughout his time there.

im so hopeful for the future, but have another voice that is telling me to be wise with my decisions. I do not want my heart to be shattered from expectations that may turn out differently.

Again, I greatly appreciate your reply and words of advice. I feel very conflicted currently and work to resolve the anxious feelings that I currently have.

PineappleGirl78

My husband and I are separated after 15 yrs and 3 little kids. 2 years of complete hell and I finally had enough. It was extremely hard and still is. We have been separated for 8 months and he was sober for 6 and then relapsed and has been sober now for 1. I'm not sure what I will do because his addiction wasn't our only issue.
Even though it seems like a long time you have been together I would count your blessings it isn't longer because the longer it is the more complicated it gets. And love is definitely not enough.
You have so much life left to live! The main thing you gotta get back is your confidence. Cuz once you have that, you will be able to attract a better MAN who won't be on/off drugs and in/out of court and prison and rehab. You don't want that path. You sound super smart and I know you deserve better than that!

Leesir89

@PineappleGirl78

i am so very sorry to hear what you and your family have been experiencing. I’m also very sorry that even after rehab he relapsed. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I wondering if his relapse is what drove you to separation?

I hate that you and your children are going through this tough time. I can’t imagine all that you are feeling.

Thank you for the kind words! It’s crazy knowing that you deserve so much better, but loving someone so much that it makes it hard to walk away. I know I struggle with loving someone at their potential and not just for who they are right now. I know I excuse behaviors and make excuses for people. That’s why I say I worry that even if I stay and “wait” for him, it could just be delaying my heartbreak. Addiction is a lifelong battle. And I could very well be Putting off what hurts now for even more hurt in the future. I don’t want that life. But I also know when he’s at his best, there’s no one else on this earth I’d rather be with.

I wish you the very best in your situation and just know that you must go with your gut and do what is best for you and your children. Even when that isn’t easy, it says a lot for you to be able to stand up on your own 2 feet and rise above all the hurt and pain you have.