ConfusedIRis

Hello,

I’m so thankful for SR and its members. There are so many helpful people and post here. I just have a few questions and would like your guys opinions.

As I said in my 1st post, my husband left me right after rehab. His explanations were that he can’t be with me and our 3 years old as we’re triggers and the environment in the house. He also said that’s he fell in love in rehab in the last week. So that’s not much closure for me since I know none of that is real.

How do I deal with this. I feel like I’m stuck, cause he didn’t give me closure. I have tried to research and it’s called ambiguous loss. It’s when there is no emotional closure. He pretty much just walked away without much explanation. So that’s one thing.

When reading and doing some soul searching I realized I was a fixer and codependent on him. I think those are the 2 things why I have hard time to accept things how they are. I have spent so much time focusing on him and helping him that I don’t know what to do and I’m not even sure what I want anymore.

Also another thing I’m looking for some advice is, we have 3 here old daughter. He hasn’t seen her in3 weeks. Told me he didn’t have enough money for a gas to come see her. I have been sick for then past 2 weeks with bronchitis and asked him for help but he tell me I’ll help you in the future. 3 days later, he is too far way, 2 hours hanging out with his new rehab gf to come help with his daughter. My head can’t wrap around that.

he says he’s working the 12 steps but I don’t believe it. He just didn’t want to face his past and reasons why he was drinking so he just moved on. My therapist tells me that’s a pattern that he’ll always do. Always moving on, never facing and fixing things. While I’m the one who wants to fix things.

I’m working on myself but I’m extremely lost as he isn’t even willing to help or see his daughter anymore. Just doesn’t give a crap. Any idea how to let that go since I’m powerless over him and his decisions. My lasts weeks Al-anon group topic was “How to de-attach with love.” How is that done? How do you let go of 9 years together and how do I let go that he doesn’t want his daughter?

trailmix

hi confused. Yes, it's hard to accept, you have been very hurt.

First of all I would recommend reading Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might find that really helpful.

I think, in order to start moving past this (baby steps) you have to accept that what happened, happened. It's history now, it's a fact. Accept that he isn't interested in seeing your child. Accept that he not a "nice guy", because he isn't.

You don't need him for closure, this is something you that can come from within. Besides, what could this miserable man actually say that would make any sense to you? As for detaching with love, you can detach and you don't have to do it with any love or good feeling toward him. Maybe forgiveness will come later, maybe not, either is ok, there is no rule you have to suck it up and be "nice".

The biggest thing to accept is he is not the man you thought you knew. He's just not. If he has always drank, that's the guy you knew and if he even is sober now, this is a different person (not covered up by alcohol). Still with the bad traits he always had, just sober.

It's called Cognitive Dissonance and it's when we hold two different ideas in our heads. You may have one idea of who he is/was and one idea of who he is now, those two things don't match up. So acceptance of who he is now is key (for you).

Perhaps a first step would be listing out all his negative traits, from before and now and then really looking at those. Really see him for who he is. Add to the list as things come to mind, short and sweet:

- Would criticize me when sober
- Was often late home and returned drunk
- When we went out, always had to be to a place that served alcohol
- Never remembered birthdays

You know him better of course, but just list anything that comes to mind. Refer to this list often, whenever you start to wonder how you got to where you are - those are the answers, eventually your brain will start to accept this, you will start to accept this.

Anyway, just a suggestion that I hope will help.

For you, you have probably become isolated dealing with "his problem". Do you have family and friends nearby? Maybe people you haven't talked to for a while? Start to reach out perhaps.

Hawkeye13

Have you been to see a lawyer and get started on filing for things like child support? Many women’s centers have free or inexpensive legal referrals. Your child’s expenses didn’t stop just because he stopped drinking. He is legally responsible even if he is morally not stepping up as he should. I also think you should get a legal separation in place as soon as you can to protect yourself from liability issues such as auto accidents, etc. in case he relapses, which is very likely if not already happening based on what you’ve shared here.

Also, be sure to protect / close / cancel any accounts and credit cards he may have access to—If he relapses, or just because he can, he may run up bills in both your names that you will be accountable for.

I know that sounds harsh, but he clearly isn’t thinking of you or his child, and you need to protect yourself. Changing the locks is another recommended thing in these situations. He might come in and help himself to “his” joint belongings when the cash gets low feeling he has the right. He lost that when he walked out on his family.

I’m so sorry you are going through this—they say when you get a drunk horse thief sober you have a sober horse thief—sounds like this possibly might be what you are dealing with so please be careful.

ConfusedIRis

trailmix,

what an awesome response. Thank you so much. It all makes so much sense.

Codependent no more is on my night stand and I’m just about to start.

And yes, I just have to accept it. I’m in a process of it. Accepting that he doesn’t care about anything or us really. And I should have accepted his behavior long time ago. Instead I was trying to change him and try to make him understand that if he’d stop drinking, stop spending all “his” money and come home we would work. But we wouldn’t. I know it now. As everyone says: sober drunk isn’t necessary a good one. He is a mean drunk and I have to say coming out of rehab he turned into a mean sober person.

I have made a list in my head after I got over the 1st shock after he left (the 1st 2 weeks I couldn’t sleep and eat), of all his bad traits and behaviors in my head so it’d make it easier for me to just focus on that instead of regretting of not having him around. I just wrote all bad traits down. For you guys to see the picture, I married immature man child that even in his 30s acts like a 17 year old. Some of the bad traits are (I’ll share them so I remember them better)
-immature, avoiding, lying, resenting, non-communicative, easily shuts down, lower functioning, didn’t want to help, disregard my feelings. Yes, you’re right that I don’t want to be with that kinda of person anymore. I just have to accept it and let got off the idea/picture/dream of what we had before the excessive drinking and what could have been if he stopped and got a real help. Because that’s not who he is.

yes, I do have an idea of him in my head (before he started drinking about a year or 2 ago) when things were great and he was a great husband and dad. And that’s why it’s not matching the new guy that’s doing all these crazy things. But as you said I just have to accept it. And I think for most of the time, I know that the relationship that we had before rehab was dysfunctional to the point it wasn’t safe for me or our daughter. So I know him being gone is better. I have one less child to take care of in a sense.

On a positive note, he came to see our daughter today. I have asked him to do something in the garage to help me lift some stuff cause it was too heavy for me. He helped but looked so annoyed by that. I will ask my guy neighbor next time so I don’t have to watch his face. And when it comes to our daughter, I’ll ask someone else to watch her. He just gets her on his 2 hours every Sunday. Oh and when he was leaving, and I was getting my daughter from him, he hugged me. Twice. I was like what are you doing? Just being nice he said.

that’s what’s confusing for me. He’ll text me pictures of us on vacations. When I ask him why is he sending that, he says I know you like those of us. Then he asked me for some help and opinion. If he was a decent human being I’d help but I have told him I’ll not be helping as he wanted to be a big boy on his own and left us. That kinda behavior is weird and conflicting. I have tried to do no contact but because of our daughter we have to communicate. I’m trying to communicate only about her now. Nothing else. Hopefully that’ll help me process things better.

ConfusedIRis

trailmix,

Forgot to say, you’re right again. I did become isolated dealing with him and his problems and drinking. I’m from Europe and don’t have any of my family here. But I created my new family and friends. I have started reaching out to old friends and hang out with some neighbors. His family says it’s there for me but it’s like 50-50. If I needed help bad, they would help but they are not extremely helpful. I’m working on my support system. People are just different after Covid these days.

ConfusedIRis

Haweye13,

I have done all that you described. When he came out of rehab he wanted separation and divorce and everything in between. When I told him he needs to help me with the separation paperwork he told me that we no longer need to do that. But I did it on my own with a help of paralegal anyway. And before he left, he was “stupid” enough to sign all the last pages on the separation, which made it a joined petition, and I put everything I wanted on it.

The house is in my name only, the bank account is mine, etc. He left with bare butt and his clothes. And a crap truck.

I took him off the insurance. Took my name of the truck title via dmv sale report as I was told cause I forgot about my name being on the truck tittle.

I’m financially safe from him. He signed separation agreement where he agreed to pay me $1500 a month for child and spousal support. He makes about twice as much than me. So far he sent it but it took him 8 days longer. He knows and was warned few times if he doesn't pay, I’ll contact child support and his checks will be garnished.

Keys are changed. All that is done. Only thing that has to be changed is the garage door code. But that’s all. I have ring doorbell and if see him around the house without me, I’m calling 911.

only thing I’m worried is that his health insurance denied coverage of the rehab. The denial letter came when he was still in rehab in march and I was allowed to open his mail. They said they’d appeal it. I now know that his insurance won’t pay for it (because he lied about how much he was drinking and insurance isn’t budging cause the 1st report about him). Rehab center told me that straight cost is $32,000 without insurance. But he’s getting bills for $2,950 a day. That’s over $82k for 28 days. Since separation was filled after he came out of rehab, if he doesn’t pay this bill, will they come after me? The difference is about 4 weeks between insurance denying coverage and the separation. Anyone knows the legal loops on this? Because I’m positive he will not pay that bill. He drives without auto insurance to safe money.

trailmix

Hi confused. I have to say, you are so on top of all of this, you have all the legal stuff done, taken care of the locks etc.

Also, in terms of healing, you are on top of that too. You are obviously thinking very clearly through all of this and that's a gift. If you just keep moving forward as you are, you will heal and you will see much brighter days.

Sorry I am not familiar with the rehab/denial of coverage, but that's another annoyance isn't it. I can't see why you would be responsible for his bills? Is the insurance through his work? Maybe that's something you could ask your lawyer as well, even if he's not familiar with it, he will know who to ask I'm sure.

ConfusedIRis

trailmix,

Yes, his health insurance is through his work. But since he lied about the amount he was drinking, and when the rehab center submitted the claim to the insurance with the information he provided, insurance denied it. He tells me the rehab center keeps appealing it but with no success. He could also appeal himself too but is probably not smart enough to think about that.

so the reason I mentioned it is because, even thought the bill came recently, I was wondering if I would be responsible for it. By law spouses are responsible for each others financial burdens. The separation was filled 3 weeks after he came from rehab but the rehab bill came after the separation. It really depends on how the courts look at it. I was told since he did the treatment before separation and in he doesn’t pay, I may be responsible for it. It’s all about timing.

he still gets his mail at my house (told him many times but he wants a P.O. Box that costs money so he’s waiting). Soon I’ll just start sending his mail back. Should I do that? and I have to say he has some surprise coming to him. I was the one doing the finances, paying bills…. He never had to do anything in that aspect. He got a credit card here in the mail, doesn’t have full time job right now, and will be responsible for thousands of $ for rehab cost. Today another letter came and looks like he applied for a loan. He’ll get himself in trouble fast. Only thing I’m worried is if he runs out of money and doesn’t have steady income, he won’t be able to pay me child support.

As trailmix wrote yesterday, to make a list of his negative traits whenever feeling down or how I got into the situation, financial infidelity and mismanagement was always huge problem for me.

forward baby’s steps i take every day. Sometimes it feels it’s 1.5 step back but then I just take a bigger step once I get over little sadness.

trailmix

Yes, it really depends on the laws in your state, so legal advice is the only avenue to get the answer I think (if you haven't contacted them already). It seems strange that a spouse would automatically be liable for their SO's bills, what's to stop them from running up bills everywhere that the SO doesn't even know about - but then again, depends where you live I suppose, laws can be strange.

As for sending his mail back, I think that's up to you if you return it to sender, or just get rid of it. You could bundle it up and take it to the post office maybe and just say, he doesn't live at this address and I don't know where he is.

MyGirlGracie

Dearest Confused... wow, you have found yourself in a tough situation and I feel for you! I most certainly don't have all of the answers, nor even some of the answers.

One thought occurred to me as I was reading your post and that is: truly your life hasn't changed for the worst. By that I mean that the situation that pushed your husband to rehab is nothing you have to deal with now because the problem is not physically there. As a codependent and someone who has been involved with a substance abuser for the past 9 years, you HAVE BEEN doing life all by yourself AND helping your husband! I know you are hurt and feeling discarded in the worst way, but your daughter really needs you to be the best you that you can be and I hope you can tap into your inner strength and realize YOU are worth as much effort as you have been expending on your husband.

I can't speak to why your husband can just move on or why he does not want his daughter anymore other than to say that he really hasn't made any improvements since rehab. It sounds like he just wants to do whatever he wants to do... and that may include drinking again. Real recovery work is hard and deeply emotional and not everyone will put in the work. I am so so sorry. Please keep coming back here and checking in with us as often as you need.. we are here for you.

MGG

ConfusedIRis

MyGirlieGracie,

Thank you for your answer. There are days that I feel I can’t make it. But I still wake up, get myself ready, get my baby girl ready, put my brave face in and go to work.

I have to read the Codependent no more book. I think that’s why I feel stuck. Because I was helping him for so long and so much that my brain was set that way. And I feel I’m so hurt by him leaving. Us codependents think we deserve their love but they don’t love themselves, they only love their substance of choice, so how can they love us?

i know all the steps to take and what to do. It will take time for my hearth to get over it. My brain knows better. I can’t control him and his actions. I just wish I could go no contact. I’d be much easier, but I can’t cause he keeps texting about the daughter.

trailmix

You are spot on here I think confused. It takes time to remove those ideas, bonds, whatever you call them. It takes reprogramming, it's hard but it can be done and I know you are trying hard.

As for your Daughter, is it possible to change contact procedure? Just an idea but maybe set up an email address that he is to use for any contact about her. Of course if he happens to be with her, texting is fine, but having that email for non-current matters allows you control of when you look at it.

Angrylove

I just wanted to chime in and tell you how very sorry I am for you. I don’t have the wise words of others in the group but offer my support. One day soon, at least it happened for me, you will be thankful. With a child though it muddles the emotions, at least for me, but you will wake up grateful one day. Even small things like the kind of toothpaste I buy, what I choose for supper, the way I do something without knowing it will be followed with constant criticism. I am 7 months into him leaving with no resolution, abandoning me and my son because he didn’t love me anymore. For months I hoped for change and his return, now I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 ft pole. I can’t imagine the good qualities I saw because my eyes slowly opened, very slowly. Now it is solely feelings of remorse over choosing him for the father of my child. He takes our son most weekends but never spends quality time, he always has to drag him along to work. My son asks me why daddy doesn’t “play” with him. It’s heart breaking and I wish he would just not take him if he is going to force him to sit in a vehicle or on a chair all day. So I make the best of the days I have him, I make sure to tell him everyday how much I love him and what a great person he is. I love this forum and my favorite quote this far is the one above about the “drunk horse thief”….. that is so very fitting for my situation.

ConfusedIRis

Angrylove,

Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry that the same thing happened to you. Yours and others stories like that are helping. I think it helps to know that we are not alone and there are people that have been through this and mostly know that like you, they got through the hard time and are better off at the end.

I have bad and good days. On Thursday I cried half of the day in my office at work cause he texted me he can’t see our daughter this weekend. But then something clicked on Friday and as all my friends are telling me: it’s him missing her.

As everyone tells us: we can’t change them. We decide who hurts our feelings, frustrates us, annoys us. We have the power over who we let to hurt us. We decide who makes us upset, hurt our feelings…. He doesn’t have that power. No one has that power unless we give it to them. I have a supervisor at work who gets easily bothered by the employees he is in charge of. As I’m HR, we had a long yesterday. My advice to him was: don’t let them get to you like this. You control that. I know it’s hard and you’ll have to practice that but they don’t have the power if you don’t give it to them. And then I realized I was talking about myself too. It just hit. Sometimes it takes time to realize things.

I still think I’ll have days that will be hard but I’m heading the right direction.

I also wanted to update on something else. He hasn’t changed his address yet. So I took the mail to the post office and filled a form where he is no longer gets his mail.

He called yesterday to talk to our daughter. She doesn’t really wanna to talk to him so I end up saying hi and what not. Also told him about the mail. He got upset. “Where is my mail going? I’m not gonna get all the bills?” I have told
him that’s going to go back to the sender. He needs to call all of his “vendors” to change his address. He said he’s trying to get an apartment and was waiting for that to change his address. I have told him that’s not my problem. As leaving was his idea. He has cut me off and said he doesn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it, just point out the obvious. It’s sad and as well laughable how much they avoid the reality. He wanted to be a big boy and take care of things on his own and I was controlling. This is a part of being big boy. He can’t keep the convenient things and keep using me. As you said angrylove, it’ll take a bit to get over the hurt but I’m realizing that it’s not worth to have or want to have someone like that around. He used to be a good guy but the drinking change him into a different person. As Trailmix said in one do the post before, we have to see them for what who they are now, and not what they used to be.

PineappleGirl78

Remember that just because he doesn't want to see his daughter now, doesn't mean he never will. And he might really be hurting and wanting to see her, but that also means she will have to see him how he is right now and also he will have to face you. All things that are difficult. With a new girl it is easy. He doesn't have to be himself, he can put on any persona he wants. He doesn't feel that judgement. That's my experience with it.
I am glad you are in therapy because all this can be very traumatic. I would give him some space. Stop trying to reach out. My experience is that they usually reach out in about 3 days. They think it's weird for you to not contact them cold turkey and it's something out of the ordinary they can't wrap their head around. Space and distance definitely equals perspective. Good luck.

ConfusedIRis

@PineappleGirl78

I don’t think he’s hurting. It looks like he doesn’t care about anything but himself. If I ask for help wit daughter he throws in my face that he had her for 2.5 hours on Sunday and that’s all he does.

Something changed or switched for me on Friday and during the weekend after he started to complain that I returned his mail to the post office. I see that he only wants the convenience from me as I did everything for him the entire 9 years. I don’t feel bad for sending his mail back as he doesn’t feel bad for leaving us. It was his choice to leave so I’m pretty much done.

I 100% agree that’s just easier to start new for them that to face us. I couldn’t understand it for the past 6 weeks but I really know now that I dodged a bullet. All the decisions he’s making show that he isn’t healthy and he isn’t working the steps. He is just getting deeper and deeper into trouble. Some say it takes hitting a rock bottom for some. And this is the case. He doesn’t even communicate with any of his family. That tells me he doesn’t want to face anyone, not just me. He may not be drinking but as many mentioned the terms: dry drunk and drunken/sober horse thief, that’s exactly what he is. Not drinking but behavior is the same,
maybe even worse then when drinking. I now see him for what he really is and it’s not the person I married.

I’m not done grieving but I’m in a better spot then I was a week ago. There will be days when I’m sad and miss what it could have been but, I gotta remind myself in that time that he is a different person as @trailmix says.

I’m done texting him, or communicating. Already told him we don’t have to talk unless it’s about our daughter. I know he doesn’t like me saying no to him. I have never told him no and I’m now saying no. So he doesn’t like it. But that’s not my problem.