backagain2020

I’m back, despite feeling like I should have learned my lesson previously. My partner & I divorced and then reconciled/broke up probably 2-3 times after the divorce. He has quit drinking and smoking weed several times, the longest for about a year, but always thinks he can handle “just a beer” which eventually turns into a bottle of whiskey every 2-3 days.
I am afraid that if I try to end things I will just continue this pattern of reconciliation/break-up. I’m thinking of moving to another state for a fresh start and to hopefully end this pattern. Financially it would not be smart and I would be moving away from family/my support system but I don’t know how else to end the pattern. Any advice?
.I love him but he isn’t himself when he’s drinking to the point of slurring his words or pouting because I told him to lay off the drinking (which only lasts like 1-2 days now before he’s back at it).

My kids were very young when we divorced and separated/reconciled and only really have a memory of the last time we split, which lasted about 6 months. We’ve been back together for about 18 months and he is not really providing much value around the house in regards to helping financially or with chores/childcare. I don’t want my kids to grow up and think this is ok but I can’t go no contact due to my kids and I do love him and always get sucked back in. He does not see the kids regularly when we separate and it’s really hard on them/they act out which is very stressful for me.

sorry for rambling, I remember getting a lot of good advice here last time and wish I would have stuck to my decision to leave.

trailmix

hi BA, glad you found the forum again. You might want to review your last thread as well, there was a lot of wisdom shared in that as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...n-2-years.html (One last chance....for the 3rd time in less than 2 years)

You know, you could move states, but would that work? What would be the advantage? Is there any reason he wouldn't just follow you?

You would end up losing all your supportive community and that would be a shame.

This problem can be solved right where you are. I think you know the answer already? You can break the pattern. In fact, while helping yourself you would also being doing your children a favour, because they would only see their Dad at visiting times and that would be sober. What kind of relationship can they have with an active alcoholic? Kids can overlook a lot of things, because it's their normal, but once they get older they will understand exactly how things went.

Do you have access to getting therapy for yourself at all?

backagain2020

I did read that and it feels like things haven’t changed one bit which is sad. I will have to call my counselor and get started going again. I hate this cycle of ups and downs. Thank you for your reply.

Live

I did move over 1000 miles because I didn't trust myself not to go back, as we had been playing the on again off again thing for 6 years. He also stalked me though.

It is what I needed to do in my circumstances and it worked out well.

Beth38

I am about to move to another hemisphere, after the third break-up with my ex alcoholic gf. I questioned the decision in the begining (you know, wherever you there you and your feelings are), but I know it's the right decision for me - albeit a difficult one, not only because moving logistics are short of hellish, but I know I am going to miss my friends and my city very much.

I think in some instances a hit of geographical distance is needed.

Good luck with your decision. You'll know what's best for you, even if it doesn't feel easy and especially if it feels scary. ❤️

velma929

The alcoholic bf of my youth moved across the country so he wouldn't hve to run into the people he'd treated badly.

Alysheba

After my mom dies and I think it won't be that long now, I may move across the country to get away from my family. I'm totally alone, but it's not like my sisters have ever done anything for me anyway except to try and ruin my life.
It's scary, but I seriously need to be away from all the toxicity.

Good luck, but if you can do it, I encourage you. I mean, how much can a person take?

Best of luck with your decisionl

backagain2020

Ironically he left me for not being nice enough so perhaps I will get to stay…thanks for all the comments. It’s been 8+ years of this back and forth and this needs to be the last time.

Bekindalways

I left the Northern Hemisphere for 6 months as I didn't trust myself to be anywhere near my qualifier. I suppose it is like the alcoholics who won't even drive down the street with the Liquor Store. Fortunately and painfully my qualifier found someone else while I was gone. It is really different when you have kids. Ugh.

Of course all my own hang ups came along with me and are still with me decades latter but I think I am better at working with all my issues.

I do speak decent Spanish because of that time.