Rachaelfdg

Hi, this might sound stupid. I've posted before about my ex. We split last January so I know it was a while ago now but were still meeting up etc up until May last year.

We have a little boy together who is now 3. A few months after we split last June he got done for drink driving (3rd time, other times were a bit before he met me). We then fell out over it and other things and he got a new girlfriend August last year and moved in with her after a month. I've found it really hard to try and get over him. Sometimes I think I'm doing ok but other times not so much.
I'm finding it even harder now as he seems to be getting better with his drinking. That's all I ever wanted him to do in the 4 years we had together. I know it's so much better for our child that he's better but I'm finding it so hard to get over when I feel alcohol tore our family apart in the first place and also he keeps going on about his girlfriend supporting him, I tried my best for years. As part of the court order he got a three year ban from driving and ten sessions of rehab. He'd never seek professional help when he was with me as he was scared of loosing his licence. Now he seems to be accepting that help and doing better. I never thought he'd get to that point. When he lived with me and his son he'd drink in a morning when looking after his son for an hour or two. Even if it was 9am. It's so frustrating he couldn't try and cut down or stop when we were together. I don't know how to make peace with it. I'm trying to move on and meet someone but it is so hard as I'm still not completely over him. I hate being on my own and bringing my son up alone. Just to add after my ex met his girlfriend he just stopped talking to me, fell out with me lots and doesn't seem to care at all about me. He blames the split on me and doesn't acknowledge his drinking played a part nor his texting of other women after he moved out of the bed because I was co-sleeping with our child and didn't want to risk my ex rolling on him drunk. Has anyone got any advice about how to make peace with it? I kept telling myself he won't get better drink wise, nor did anyone else think he would, so I didn't try and get him back after he walked out one day after an argument. Now I think why didn't I buy I've tried getting back with him a bit ago and he has moved on and doesn't want to know. He blames me for him drinking.
Thank you x

dbyrer

I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you have found a good resource. Others will be along with better advice but here's my two cents' worth since you asked. :-) You have no way to know if he is actually in recovery or if it is just easier for him to make it appear to you that he is. Also, like you mentioned, if he is, all the better for your son. If he is truly in recovery, he will have the decent sense to be at the very least cordial with the other parent of his child. Of course, having said that, I haven't given you the magic key to getting over it and moving on, have I? Unfortunate, because there is not one. But know this, though you will forever (hopefully) share a link with this man through your son, you no longer have to have active alcoholism in your home. Think about spending some serious time and effort exploring your own personality/wants/needs, etc. as part of your recovery from your ex. Really work the program and get sober from that drug. You will be better for it and have a fresh perspective on "trying to move on and meet someone". Namaste.

ConfusedIRis

@Rachaelfdg

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so hard when they move on so quickly. I have posted here before:
Unless they have their head screwed up on right they’ll attach in rehab or in early recovery/sobriety in about 90% (that’s my guess as I have done plenty of reading, listening and educating about rehab/alcoholism/cheating….). But in that case they are not really in a real recovery, are they?! as they blame the drinking and leaving on us, partners.

@trailmix posted yesterday to my story a bout my husband blaming his leaving on me (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ything-me.html (Angry at my husband for blaming everything on me))
This is really alcoholism 101 and he's not in recovery. Recovery looks like recovery. It's a change, a shift in outlook, it's being humble and honest etc.
To him (in his not really logical state) you are the problem. He doesn't see your viewpoint because he is focused on his. This is not unusual at all in alcoholism or any addiction.
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
This is from: Excuses Alcoholics Make

My situation is similar that he moved on so easy and fell in love in rehab. After almost 8 years (9 together) went into rehab mid-February and got out a month later to fake and lie about everything, acted like he hated me, blamed all the drinking on me and the environment. After 3 weeks I couldn’t take it anymore, searched his smart watch and rehab binder and found that he was calling rehab and texting rehab friends about how in love he is with this girl that was there for a his last week. Also found love notes too. He denied everything.

Alcoholics/ addicts are selfish and very often narcissist. I was blaming myself for him leaving, as he blamed me for it and all his problems. He told me at one point he’s leaving because what I said when we 1st picked up our daughter from daycare after his rehab. Yesterday he said over the phone he left cause I got into his smart watch and rehab binder where I found the love notes. He has few of those “blaming reasons” that he keeps repeating. It’s never him. Unless he comes to me and tells me he is the problem, I know he is not in recovery. Just sober a-hole of a person.

He tells me he’s sober too. I believe he is and I believe he will last some time, maybe a year because he has done and managed it before but when things get tough for him, he’ll return back to the drinking. I think for addict or alcoholic to be successful in recovery and sobriety, they have to face their problems head on and admit their problems (step 4: make a moral inventory). Most addicts and alcoholics just move on and never face their problems/demons because they would have to realize they are/were monsters for what they have done to their loved ones. That’s why I think the rate of recovery/sobriety success is so low.

Just please know that you’re not alone. So many people have been in your shoes. It’s what they do: switch one addiction (alcohol/drug) for another (attachment/infatuation) in rehab or early recovery. It’s sad but nothing we can do about it. I do to have times I wish him to be sober and with us. I wish we could be happy family again but it doesn’t work like that. We can’t force anyone to anything. I’m in my 2 months of him leaving but it’ll take me long time too to move on. But time will help.

Good luck and let us know how you’re doing.

advbike

What makes you think he's getting better? Social media posts? It certainly doesn't sound like he's in recovery in any way, shape or form - still full of resentments and blaming others for his self-inflicted behavior. 3 DUI's? Drinking in the morning? He has serious problems with alcohol. No loss there, seriously. Do the best you can to move on, perhaps investigate codependency. It sounds like you have an unhealthy attachment to the guy, even after all he has done and the way he treats you.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in - it really hurts and I wish you the best, but please try to let go.

velma929

I'd second advbike's sentiments.

He doesn't have to 'do better with his drinking.' An addict has to stop.

Furthermore, he's still in a honeymoon period with New Gal, and isn't caring for a child (lemme guess - he plays at being 'fun daddy' on weekends, little discipline, no schooolwork to attend to, no spring concerts to show up sober for)

New Gal is quite likely the factor for minimizing contact with you. Sounds like she's not very secure. As for an outside influence 'making' him drink; those kinds of statements make me batty, no matter who makes them, no matter what the issue is. "---- made me drink / ----- manipulates me into driving him to work / My friend keeps borrowing money and doesn't pay it back" I get it, we get drawn into situations but we generally have free agency to begin the process to get out.

Truly, if something about your behavior was prompting his drinking in some way, wouldn't a mature way to work the situation to find another coping mechanism? or decide "I love you but for my own health I need to live in an alcohol free home for a while"? His attitude is BS.

Airbear23

Wow, it sounds like it's alcoholic 101 to leave for another person and then treat the one who was there with them through the hard times, the job losses, money issues, family drama etc. like a piece of hot dog doo. Same here, for 9 years. I told him after he relapsed he had to get help. Well, I guess help to him help meant a 10 year younger woman who also drinks and her daughter. Mind you, he couldn't take care of his own daughter at that age because he was drunk too much, but now they're one big happy family. And I was lied to and then just cut off, blocked, like I never existed. I found out about them through a Facebook post from them at his daughters graduation (although I'd been there for her growing up and he swore there was no one else) that my daughter saw. I am gutted. And she's a psychiatric nurse and I'm sure going to heal him. Lovely. And on they move into the wonderful future while I'm here broken from the years of trauma, now being cheated on and discarded. I did everything I could to get him to go to recovery. I guess she can do what I couldn't.
I'm more sorry than I can express for the pain you're going through. I know the pain, it's awful. And it's not fair.

trailmix

@Airbear23 If you kind of think of it like this:


You (and everyone else in his life) || ALCOHOLISM|| Your ex

That's the truth of it. Granted, he is not "two" people, the alcoholic and the good guy - he is one person who is an alcoholic, you don't get one without the other while he is actively using.

It doesn't matter how much you have been though, how many ups and downs, how much forgiveness and grace you have shown, how many tears you have cried or how many times you picked him up in the middle of the night. You are either with team alcohol or you are not - and you are not, you told him that.

So, new team! Yes, it's as simple as that. The alcoholism (at this stage) will protect itself from you. He wasn't thinking, omg this woman has given me so much, he was thinking OMG she wants me to give you up! (alcohol), his one true love, above all others, you, his children, his family and anyone else that gets in the way.

It's not personal, it's a bottle of alcohol. If affects you personally, of course, because you are reasonable and reason says, he won't give up all this, our life together etc for alcohol? Oh yes he will. That's addiction.