backagain2020

I posted here under another name years ago and think I need the support from the group again.

Last weekend I asked my SO to watch the kids while I ran to Target, he had been doing yardwork and the kids were napping so I wanted to get groceries. It’s a little bit of a drive into town and when I got home he was standing in the front yard talking to our neighbors and he was obviously drunk; slurring his words and swaying from side to side. He then proceeded to embarrass me in front of more neighbors by being annoying and getting on our daughter tricycle (we just moved so this was literally their first time meeting us). He passed out sitting up on the couch by 5 pm and the next morning admitted he had blacked out. It was also Mother’s Day and despite me reminding him and telling him multiple times throughout the year that day, my birthday & Christmas are important to me in regards to gift giving and/or cards, I didn’t get anything. Not even the luxury of sleeping in, which he gets to do every weekend.

I think that might be the straw that broke the camels back. He first said I was blowing things out of proportion, then said it’s my fault for allowing him to drink (I’ve told him I don’t want alcohol or weed in the house and he will go awhile without it if something like this comes up but eventually it always comes back). He then said this was the wake up call he needed and he can’t survive without me or the kids. He’s had his license taken away for drinking, gone to jail, we got divorced over it (but reconciled as he was supposedly getting treatment and done drinking) and I had a no contact order in place due to his anger issues.

I asked him why this time is different and he says it just is because he knows he needs to change. I just don’t believe it anymore. He makes all these promises and is stepping up to the plate with cleaning and the kids over the last few days but I just have zero faith that he will change. When I tell him that he basically turns it around on how I’m keeping him from the kids (untrue but he did give up custody in the divorce so I have sole custody), how everyone is drinking in quarantine and how if I would have kept making our couples counseling appointments or spent more time with him we wouldn’t be in this boat. Our last appointment was when the stay home order was implemented and I’ve been home trying to work with our young children at home so when he gets home I try to put in some time to make up for time I took off to play with and feed the kids.

I would love for this to be the wake up call he needs but literally this is his 3rd last chance in 18 months and probably 10th last chance in 6 years. Is this common? How do I keep up my resolve to be done? We are trying to sell our house (yes, we just moved in within the last 18 months and are already trying to move because he lost his job over a year ago and only found a new one within the last 6 weeks). I’m sick of the roller coaster of happy and him on his best behavior and then slowly disappointing me by gaming, drinking and smoking until something like this happens. I feel like I’m in the right for being upset but he still thinks I am overreacting because nothing bad happened.

dandylion

backagain-----you ask if this is common. It is very common. There are thousands of real life stories on this forum, from those who are the loved ones of an alcoholic, in some way. Your same story-----your same situation has been written, on this forum for thousands of times. Many, almost word for word.
Since you have been on this forum, before, I am sure that you remember the 3 Cs-----You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and You can't Control it.
he is an alcoholic who is not in recovery.
Recovery requires a diligent adherence to a program like AA, and a commitment to live by the principles of the program for the rest of one's life. Alcoholism is never cured---but, it can be kept in remission if one is willing to do the work that is required. It takes a few years to make the kinds of changes that you are looking for....IF the person is working on their recovery as the first priority in their life. this includes lots of meetings, getting a sponsor, and having a therapist or counselor to work on their personal issues, in addition to the drinking,
A promise and a few weeks of trying to please you----until they have you sucked back in is just nothing more than a half measure.
Being with him has not kept him from drinking. If your being with him or staying with him or giving him chance after chance has not kept him from drinking, he would be as sober as a judge, by now.

backagain2020

Thank you for your reply. He has been looking at me with sad eyes asking if I still love him and I just told him I’ve reached my breaking point and I have to think about myself and the kids.

I do recall the 3 C’s now that you mention it and I am glad to hear I’m not overreacting or being a pessimist by not believing in him.

I’m scared of being on my own for some reason which is crazy because I do probably 90% of the kid-related duties, 70% of the housework and all of the finances plus I am the breadwinner. I don’t know why I keep getting sucked back in because it just disappoints me, sets a bad example for my kids and it has cost me thousands of dollars to fix things he’s broke and lawyer fees.

Thank you for replying.

dandylion

backagain, you find yourself in much the same position of a lot of spouses who have invested themselves and their dreams of a certain kind of family with their partner.
It is not ucommon for a person to fear being alone, even when they have been doing almost all of "carrying the ball", anyway, Quite often, the person's self esteem and self confidence has taken quite a beating during the relationship.
If a person happens to have co-dependency tendencies, before the relationship, the marriage/relationship just intensifies that.
Actually, it is easier to take care of life's responsibilities when an alcoholic is not under the roof. And, if one is strong enough to live with an alcoholic/addict or any kind of abusive partner---they have more than enough strength to live without one-----who knew?

I divorced my first husband and spent several years as a single mother. The kids and I had wonderful times, during those years and I was very happy, also. That wou ld never have been p ossible had I stayed in that marriage.

If love had anything to do with getting an alcoholic sober or turning them into a responsible person----none of us would be on this forum.

trailmix

Sorry, the formatting is so awful right now I had to cancel my reply.  Hang in there, you are not wrong here.

velma929

I was married for almost 25 years, and the pattern is familiar to me. We had no children (thank goodness) but the drinking and joblessness and it somehow not being his responsibility to live his life; I know it well.

I was in therapy for a while. I related an incident to my therapist and I wondered if I over-reacted. He said, well, even if you over reacted, you were reacting to something. I got to the point where I realized that taking care of my husband was more effort than the comfort and companionship provided by marriage.

dandylion

backagain-----I am wondering if velma's share about comfort and companionship is an issue with you, also.
Could it be that just the presence of a familiar and predictable warm body can keep us tethered to them, even with all of the negatives?
Maybe that gives us the illusion of security-------

AnvilheadII

he was left in charge of children for an hour or so and got snoot faced drunk.
if this was the Babysitter, how many chances would you give?

backagain2020

Velma & Dandylion -
Its nice to hear that divorce has brought peace to your lives and I totally get the trying to figure out if you over reacted to something so that statement hits home.

Anvil - I guess he had been drinking before I left but I didn’t realize it and he claims he didn’t realize how drunk he was until it hit him, but you are exactly right.

I actually met with a realtor to list the house today, everything is in my name only due to it being my down payment and his bad credit so I’m praying it sells despite the fact it is probably the nicest house I will ever own. I’m letting him stay until the house sells, if it doesn’t sell I guess I will have to figure out my next step. I keep telling him I have mentally just given up and I have heard this so many times I don’t know why this time would be different. He’s actually helping with the kids and asking what I need but I know it’s short time. I can’t imagine how nice it would be if this was the norm, it shouldn’t have to get to me being this upset before he steps up.

AnvilheadII

it is best to assume he is always drinking and is never a trustworthy childcare source. i realize that adds to your workload, but that is just how it is.
two days of "sad eyes" and moping does not EVER change the fact that he got drunk while being the primary caretaker of the children. never ever ever.
he is not capable or willing to put the children's safety and security first. he will continue to make bad decisions and those could have a detrimental impact. some things can't be fixed or undone.

backagain2020

I’m so confused as to what has happened over the past week, after days of telling him he doesn’t get another chance and even listing the house for sale he has somehow turned the tables. We talked on Friday and I stuck to my guns but Saturday he asked to talk again and started crying and I ended up agreeing to another chance.

I don’t want to give him another chance but when I said that later he said I’m playing with his emotions and that I already agreed. So now he’s acting like everything is fine and that I’m a terrible person for trying to sell the house & not believing in him.

Im trying to figure out if he is that good at manipulation or if I just suck with boundaries. It has just thrown me for a loop.

dandylion

backagain-----well, for one thing, I am pretty sure that he is a good manipulator. Many alcoholics/addicts become very good at it to get what they want. For one thing, I think that is is made a lot easier because they know all of our hot buttons, and they know exactly which ones to push---and they have zero remorse for pushing them. They are well aware of our Achilles Heels. It sounds like your husband knows the power of the tears---and, he worked you pretty good with them. He finally hit pay dirt!
Another tactic that some are good at is to just persist and persist in hopes of wearing your down---not unlike the toddler that begs for a cookie, in the hopes that the mother will become exhausted and give in.
I do think you make a good point about our boundaries. It takes a very strong inner commitment to our own welfare as our First priority, when our boundaries are challenged. Those of us who may have co[dependent tendencies, find it hard to put our own welfare and happiness first, when our life has been dedicated to putting others, first.
This can be especially hard, I think, when they accuse us of being the "Bad" person---like saying "you are p laying with my emotions". So many of us have our self value and esteem seated in seeing ourselves as a "good person". We have believed that we are of value only when we are helping/saving/serving the welfare of others. We can't stand to be seen as otherwise---and, we can imagine that they will spread the word and that the whole world will see us as the "bad guy".
Trust me---they instinctively know that about us---because we have taught them that by our actions. We do teach people how to treat us---even though I don't think that is our intention.
We get caught somewhere in the FOG----Fear/Obligation/Guilt. And, the FOG holds us in invisible chains.
LOL....sometines, I think we cave because we don't think that we can think of a "good enough" reason to tell them "No'. We think we need a convincing reason that any Jury would buy. Lol---it never occurs to a co-dependent to just say (with conviction)-----"That's enough. I can't and won't take it anymore. and I am the Bleep out of here!". "I am not staying because I don't WANT to, any more".

The thing about boundaries is this---they are solely for our own protection of ourselves----a nd, we have the right to change them at any time that we deem necessary for our own welfare---and there is no obligation to announce it.. And---we don't have to have a legal written contract and have it signed by a notary public.
Besides I think you caved under extreme emotional duress.

trailmix

Well I think, depending on our personality type, sucking at boundaries is pretty common. Having boundaries is easy, backing them up, sometimes, can be very hard, however, with practice it becomes easier.

The second part of that is how does the other person involved react to those very boundaries? Do they try to see your point of view, if you do give a reason (not required!) as to why you have this stance, does the other person listen, ponder it even and try to understand where you are coming from? If none of those things happen then the person is simply a boundary jumper! ie: they have their ideas and you will go along with them whether you like it or not. ("after days of telling him he doesn’t get another chance " )

You don't spend enough time with him! (never mind you have children to look after and are trying to make up work in the evening and he has been unemployed for quite some time)
He wouldn't be drinking if you had done something (not sure what) about the couples counselling

quack quack quack

Bottom line - it's all your fault. But what, you want to separate now? But HE doesn't like that idea. Every single thing you have written is all about what his wishes are and what's good and easy for him and none of it is about you or the children.

Oh and not everyone is drinking during the quarantine, there are many of us out there that haven't had a drink at all!

I think perhaps you are so used to listening to him and giving him that 500th chance over and over that you are basically stuck in this loop. That's not blaming you, leaving someone is hard, unless they are actually throwing something at your head as you run out the door.

Sadly, he has shown basically zero long term commitment to staying sober, true?

backagain2020

You both have the situation exactly right, he kept pushing and pushing until I just wore down and he definitely did not think about what is best for me or the kids. We have a counseling session set up for this week so I will be bringing that up.

Praying the house sells quickly and I can just move out and move on. I feel like that will be the easiest way to me to put all of this behind me and start fresh. Thanks for the comments, it’s helping me realize these are common tactics and I need to stay strong.

Sleepyhollo

I was with my RXAH for 16 years, married for 12. He quit several times and it never lasted. He would start drinking in moderation and before you knew it he was aback at it again. He was very good at hiding it from everyone except for me. In 2014 he drove home completely wasted. I confronted him a couple of days later (he had to take a once a year test and I knew if I had confronted him the day before he would’ve sunk into a deep depression and likely failed or not gone) and he understood how he could never drink again, and how lonely it must have been for me (because I too was hiding it from everyone because I was embarrassed and he is well respected in the community) etc. I suggested treatment but he wanted to do it one more time on his own. He lasted 13 months but he was not fun to be around as he was now a dry drunk. He just stopped drinking but did not seek treatment, which is worse because now they still don’t have any coping skills and they can’t use their one coping skills they had. 13 month later he started again and I decided I was gonna let it go. Because if I brought it up again he would likely quit again for a while and then rinse and repeat. It got really bad and a year later I was so done. I confronted him, told him I could no longer do this and I was willing to give him one more chance but he had to seek treatment. He did and got clean (had mandatory inpatient rehab for 3 months which he really needed but made thing even worse between the two of us) but unfortunately it was just too late for me. We tried but 1.5 years after rehab we split. I was too far gone. I pretty much did everything for our kid because I could not trust him. Those last 2-3 years I would hardly ever leave her alone with him because I couldn’t trust him.
I think if your husband felt,like he truly had a wake up call he would be all over seeking treatment and going to AA meetings. He likely realizes Yohan re at the end of your rope and now he is going to be nice and tell you everything you want to hear. Don’t be fooled. Unless he wiling seeks out intensive treatment whether inpatient or outpatient, he will not stay clean. Not for log anyway. It took my ex 7 weeks of intense inpatient rehab before he finally started to see his manipulative ways. The alcohol is only a small part of the problem. They quit drinking they need to learn new and healthy coping skills and that takes time with someone who has been an alcoholic for a longtime. And there will ne er be any guarantees either. But it would take at least a year of sobriety/treatment to know what he will be like sober. You are the breadwinner so it sounds like financially you don’t have too many worries. He keep drinking and driving and potentially killing someone it would be very bad not just for him but the family as well. If you have not sought out counseling for yourself I highly recommend it. I really needed it to get past my codependency and also to accept that I was just done and that that was ok. I really didn't own him anything. I was unhappy and he ruined our relationship. 2 years earlier I think we would’ve survived but those last 2 years did me in. I. Glad he is sober because I can trust him alone with my kid (a huge reason why I was afraid to leave sooner) and she now has a dad who is present. And I really do not regret getting divorced. Or family life was very dysfunctional and not healthy. My kid doesn’t have an intact family anymore but there is no tension at home. Sometimes it is the best thing to do. Seek counseling for yourself. You don’t have to make a decision today. But just know that unless your husband seeks professional treatment, it is unlikely he will stay clean for long. And even with that there are no guarantees. There is always a chance of relapse. My feelings were gone for my ex and knowing that he could relapse...I wasn’t sure i could go through that again. I had done that too many times already. I have zero regrets getting divorced. Take care of yourself and figure out what is best for you and the kids, he is an adult and can figure it out. You don’t need to stand by and watch him self destruct. Take car of you instead, you cannot help him. It is all up to him.

backagain2020

Sleepy - I’ve come back repeatedly the last few days reading your post, it hits close to home because he sounds similar to your XH....will stop for quite awhile, start slowly and then it turns into a disaster.
We went to counseling last week and I am supposed to start going to Al-Anon and he will start AA. I don’t know how I feel about this all, sometimes it is going well and then I remember he was wasted taking care of our small children and doesn’t help out around the house much or pull his share financially.
I’m trying to take things one day at a time but I wish there was a crystal ball to know if this is really the last time (it’s probably not). It’s just stressful to do life alone but I need to figure out if it is more or less stressful with him out of the picture.

dandylion

backagain------I imagine that you are already carrying most of the load by yourself, anyway. I found that when I was married to my first husband----the father of my three small children---I actually felt much more alone than after the kids and I were living separately. Living separately, I felt much more connected to life and other people---not to speak of the peace of mind that I had without his constant criticism and put downs. My husband wasn't even an alcoholic!
I do know what it is like to be in the same house as a drinking alcoholic, and I can tell you that anyone who has the strength to live with an alcoholic, has more than enough strength to live without one in the house.

Sleepyhollo

Backagain... unless he seeks help he will not stay clean. And marriage counseling with an active alcoholic will be useless. Most therapists won’t even do it if they know one of couple is ana drive addict. It just doesn’t work until they get clean. Unfortunately they have to want to get clean them selves. Nothing anyone will say or do will help them get clean. I would focus ont asking care of yourself and do individual counseling. You cannot help him but you can help you. I wish I would’ve done counseling long before my ex went to rehab. I just didn’t know I needed it because I neglected myself and my feelings. I am not sure it would’ve changed the outcome ultimately but it would’ve helped me cope better as no one around me knew what was going on. I wish you well. But you gotta start being selfish and worry about you. He is going to do what he’s is going to do whether that is get serious and quit or continue his roller coaster. Nothing you do or say will change that so you might as well put all that energy in yourself and the kids.