Parents dealing with an adult alcoholic son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Location: California
Posts: 5
Parents dealing with an adult alcoholic son
Hello, all,
First, we appreciate any who take an interest in our situation and offer advice or understanding. We're at a loss.
Our son (35) just moved back home after a separation from his wife, loss of his job and apartment, and major medical issues (alcohol-related, we believe). All of these issues are alcohol-related. His ex-wife has since gone through rehab and just passed her first year of sobriety. She seems to be doing well. Our son doesn't see that alcohol is a problem.
Some background: Our son was/is very intelligent but got mixed up with drug and alcohol abusers in college. He became a punk rock singer and was popular in his world. We kept track of him from afar, but we realized that we had little influence over him, so we tried to love him and support him as best we could. When he got married, we hoped that it would help turn his life around. For a time, we thought they were doing well, but gradually saw that their lives were centered around alcohol.
After his medical emergency, we managed to get out of the hospital staff that it was "alcohol related," but with HPPA laws, we never got the full story. He, of course, had a totally different story. We tried to do an intervention, but our son and his wife resisted.
Finally, she hit bottom and left. She, as I mentioned, got help. But our son fell apart, lost his job and apartment.
At this point, we thought he also hit bottom, and we could take him in and help him get back on his feet. We told him that we would if he "focused on his health and take his share of responsibility," is how we put it to him.
He did earn enough money to pay us back for the $2400 debt for leaving his apartment a wreck. He got and lost several jobs here in our town as a cook. One job was lost because of his "drinking and lack of personal hygiene," the manager told me. He now has gotten and kept a good job as a prep cook at a nice restaurant here in town. He's proud of his job, always gets there 10-20 minutes early, and was nominated as best employee last month. So some ups and some downs.
Recently, we left home for travel and got some wild, drunken calls from him in the middle of the night. It pretty much ruined our travels. We came home to find some unexplained things broken and his only explanation was that he had "no idea how it happened."
I see now, his agreement with us "to focus on health and take responsibility" was just a way that he could continue to abuse alcohol without interruption. Various times, we have caught him in lies about how much and when he's been drinking. We also see now that we should have been harder on him when he was moving back in, and made it conditional on getting professional help.
His promises to seek a medical a check-up have gone from one excuse to the next. First, issues with insurance, later, waiting for authorization, then "pinky-swearing" to go next week, then saying he just didnt think he needed it. Throughout all this, the most discouraging thing is the lying and gas-lighting us. Most of the time, he is funny, helpful, and acts (when sober) very intelligent. We love him, but at the same time, he breaks our hearts.
We are at a point of decision. Do we try another intervention? Do we kick him out, knowing it would probably lead to the loss of his job and probably homelessness? Do we continue to have regular, polite "family meetings" where we suggest counseling and medical advice? We are trying to be loving and helpful, but in writing this, I see we have been naive as well. We realize we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and can't fix it. So what CAN we do?
First, we appreciate any who take an interest in our situation and offer advice or understanding. We're at a loss.
Our son (35) just moved back home after a separation from his wife, loss of his job and apartment, and major medical issues (alcohol-related, we believe). All of these issues are alcohol-related. His ex-wife has since gone through rehab and just passed her first year of sobriety. She seems to be doing well. Our son doesn't see that alcohol is a problem.
Some background: Our son was/is very intelligent but got mixed up with drug and alcohol abusers in college. He became a punk rock singer and was popular in his world. We kept track of him from afar, but we realized that we had little influence over him, so we tried to love him and support him as best we could. When he got married, we hoped that it would help turn his life around. For a time, we thought they were doing well, but gradually saw that their lives were centered around alcohol.
After his medical emergency, we managed to get out of the hospital staff that it was "alcohol related," but with HPPA laws, we never got the full story. He, of course, had a totally different story. We tried to do an intervention, but our son and his wife resisted.
Finally, she hit bottom and left. She, as I mentioned, got help. But our son fell apart, lost his job and apartment.
At this point, we thought he also hit bottom, and we could take him in and help him get back on his feet. We told him that we would if he "focused on his health and take his share of responsibility," is how we put it to him.
He did earn enough money to pay us back for the $2400 debt for leaving his apartment a wreck. He got and lost several jobs here in our town as a cook. One job was lost because of his "drinking and lack of personal hygiene," the manager told me. He now has gotten and kept a good job as a prep cook at a nice restaurant here in town. He's proud of his job, always gets there 10-20 minutes early, and was nominated as best employee last month. So some ups and some downs.
Recently, we left home for travel and got some wild, drunken calls from him in the middle of the night. It pretty much ruined our travels. We came home to find some unexplained things broken and his only explanation was that he had "no idea how it happened."
I see now, his agreement with us "to focus on health and take responsibility" was just a way that he could continue to abuse alcohol without interruption. Various times, we have caught him in lies about how much and when he's been drinking. We also see now that we should have been harder on him when he was moving back in, and made it conditional on getting professional help.
His promises to seek a medical a check-up have gone from one excuse to the next. First, issues with insurance, later, waiting for authorization, then "pinky-swearing" to go next week, then saying he just didnt think he needed it. Throughout all this, the most discouraging thing is the lying and gas-lighting us. Most of the time, he is funny, helpful, and acts (when sober) very intelligent. We love him, but at the same time, he breaks our hearts.
We are at a point of decision. Do we try another intervention? Do we kick him out, knowing it would probably lead to the loss of his job and probably homelessness? Do we continue to have regular, polite "family meetings" where we suggest counseling and medical advice? We are trying to be loving and helpful, but in writing this, I see we have been naive as well. We realize we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and can't fix it. So what CAN we do?
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by wfridae 
Hello, all,
First, we appreciate any who take an interest in our situation and offer advice or understanding. We're at a loss.
Our son (35) just moved back home after a separation from his wife, loss of his job and apartment, and major medical issues (alcohol-related, we believe). All of these issues are alcohol-related. His ex-wife has since gone through rehab and just passed her first year of sobriety. She seems to be doing well. Our son doesn't see that alcohol is a problem.
Some background: Our son was/is very intelligent but got mixed up with drug and alcohol abusers in college. He became a punk rock singer and was popular in his world. We kept track of him from afar, but we realized that we had little influence over him, so we tried to love him and support him as best we could. When he got married, we hoped that it would help turn his life around. For a time, we thought they were doing well, but gradually saw that their lives were centered around alcohol.
After his medical emergency, we managed to get out of the hospital staff that it was "alcohol related," but with HPPA laws, we never got the full story. He, of course, had a totally different story. We tried to do an intervention, but our son and his wife resisted.
Finally, she hit bottom and left. She, as I mentioned, got help. But our son fell apart, lost his job and apartment.
At this point, we thought he also hit bottom, and we could take him in and help him get back on his feet. We told him that we would if he "focused on his health and take his share of responsibility," is how we put it to him.
He did earn enough money to pay us back for the $2400 debt for leaving his apartment a wreck. He got and lost several jobs here in our town as a cook. One job was lost because of his "drinking and lack of personal hygiene," the manager told me. He now has gotten and kept a good job as a prep cook at a nice restaurant here in town. He's proud of his job, always gets there 10-20 minutes early, and was nominated as best employee last month. So some ups and some downs.
Recently, we left home for travel and got some wild, drunken calls from him in the middle of the night. It pretty much ruined our travels. We came home to find some unexplained things broken and his only explanation was that he had "no idea how it happened."
I see now, his agreement with us "to focus on health and take responsibility" was just a way that he could continue to abuse alcohol without interruption. Various times, we have caught him in lies about how much and when he's been drinking. We also see now that we should have been harder on him when he was moving back in, and made it conditional on getting professional help.
His promises to seek a medical a check-up have gone from one excuse to the next. First, issues with insurance, later, waiting for authorization, then "pinky-swearing" to go next week, then saying he just didnt think he needed it. Throughout all this, the most discouraging thing is the lying and gas-lighting us. Most of the time, he is funny, helpful, and acts (when sober) very intelligent. We love him, but at the same time, he breaks our hearts.
We are at a point of decision. Do we try another intervention? Do we kick him out, knowing it would probably lead to the loss of his job and probably homelessness? Do we continue to have regular, polite "family meetings" where we suggest counseling and medical advice? We are trying to be loving and helpful, but in writing this, I see we have been naive as well. We realize we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and can't fix it. So what CAN we do?
First, we appreciate any who take an interest in our situation and offer advice or understanding. We're at a loss.
Our son (35) just moved back home after a separation from his wife, loss of his job and apartment, and major medical issues (alcohol-related, we believe). All of these issues are alcohol-related. His ex-wife has since gone through rehab and just passed her first year of sobriety. She seems to be doing well. Our son doesn't see that alcohol is a problem.
Some background: Our son was/is very intelligent but got mixed up with drug and alcohol abusers in college. He became a punk rock singer and was popular in his world. We kept track of him from afar, but we realized that we had little influence over him, so we tried to love him and support him as best we could. When he got married, we hoped that it would help turn his life around. For a time, we thought they were doing well, but gradually saw that their lives were centered around alcohol.
After his medical emergency, we managed to get out of the hospital staff that it was "alcohol related," but with HPPA laws, we never got the full story. He, of course, had a totally different story. We tried to do an intervention, but our son and his wife resisted.
Finally, she hit bottom and left. She, as I mentioned, got help. But our son fell apart, lost his job and apartment.
At this point, we thought he also hit bottom, and we could take him in and help him get back on his feet. We told him that we would if he "focused on his health and take his share of responsibility," is how we put it to him.
He did earn enough money to pay us back for the $2400 debt for leaving his apartment a wreck. He got and lost several jobs here in our town as a cook. One job was lost because of his "drinking and lack of personal hygiene," the manager told me. He now has gotten and kept a good job as a prep cook at a nice restaurant here in town. He's proud of his job, always gets there 10-20 minutes early, and was nominated as best employee last month. So some ups and some downs.
Recently, we left home for travel and got some wild, drunken calls from him in the middle of the night. It pretty much ruined our travels. We came home to find some unexplained things broken and his only explanation was that he had "no idea how it happened."
I see now, his agreement with us "to focus on health and take responsibility" was just a way that he could continue to abuse alcohol without interruption. Various times, we have caught him in lies about how much and when he's been drinking. We also see now that we should have been harder on him when he was moving back in, and made it conditional on getting professional help.
His promises to seek a medical a check-up have gone from one excuse to the next. First, issues with insurance, later, waiting for authorization, then "pinky-swearing" to go next week, then saying he just didnt think he needed it. Throughout all this, the most discouraging thing is the lying and gas-lighting us. Most of the time, he is funny, helpful, and acts (when sober) very intelligent. We love him, but at the same time, he breaks our hearts.
We are at a point of decision. Do we try another intervention? Do we kick him out, knowing it would probably lead to the loss of his job and probably homelessness? Do we continue to have regular, polite "family meetings" where we suggest counseling and medical advice? We are trying to be loving and helpful, but in writing this, I see we have been naive as well. We realize we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and can't fix it. So what CAN we do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hello wifridae,
To be honest I found there was nothing I could do to prevent my son's drug use. Unless they accept they have a problem, and have the desire to get help, they won't. As parebfs, we can flog ourselves to death trying to help them.
I had the same false promises. In the end, I asked my son to leave, knowing this would make him homeless.
My husband and I just couldn't tolerate it any more, and we discovered he was dealing. We refused to allow any off that in our home.
It broke my heart, but I knew it had to happen, as we could have jeoperdised our jobs having him at home. I had also become very physically poorly with the stress of it all.
He continues to run the gauntlet of homelessness, prison, and shacking up with likeminded females. I have seen him once in 3 years, but have txt/call contact, if he is appropriate, if not, he gets blocked.
Life for my husband and I is peaceful. We began enjoying our life again, despite my son's problems.
He holds the reigns to his life, and I hold them for mine, and I'm ok with that.
Much Love
Bute x
To be honest I found there was nothing I could do to prevent my son's drug use. Unless they accept they have a problem, and have the desire to get help, they won't. As parebfs, we can flog ourselves to death trying to help them.
I had the same false promises. In the end, I asked my son to leave, knowing this would make him homeless.
My husband and I just couldn't tolerate it any more, and we discovered he was dealing. We refused to allow any off that in our home.
It broke my heart, but I knew it had to happen, as we could have jeoperdised our jobs having him at home. I had also become very physically poorly with the stress of it all.
He continues to run the gauntlet of homelessness, prison, and shacking up with likeminded females. I have seen him once in 3 years, but have txt/call contact, if he is appropriate, if not, he gets blocked.
Life for my husband and I is peaceful. We began enjoying our life again, despite my son's problems.
He holds the reigns to his life, and I hold them for mine, and I'm ok with that.
Much Love
Bute x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Location: California
Posts: 5
Thanks for the feedback. I can see that it may come to that sometime soon. But so far, nothing illegal.
I read on another thread that you miss the person that they were... or maybe the person you think they were. It seems that that person never existed. He had such promise, and we imagined a future of that bright, loving boy we knew, but those ideas were in our heads. So we're suffering not the death of a person that existed, but the death of our hopes.
I read on another thread that you miss the person that they were... or maybe the person you think they were. It seems that that person never existed. He had such promise, and we imagined a future of that bright, loving boy we knew, but those ideas were in our heads. So we're suffering not the death of a person that existed, but the death of our hopes.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
I don’t think you should assume the death of your hopes, but of your immediate solution to his addiction. His former wife has apparently turned things around and so can he if and when he chooses. He can have an amazing and productive life in Recovery. So many former drinkers have and do, but many have to hit whatever their bottom is and find their way back or not.
The advice above to decide what you want to live with is your next step. I also think having a soft landing is perpetuated the problem, but I totally understand he is your son and you love him and you wanted to help him get back on his feet after seperation. But you can’t quit drinking for him, or control his doing it for himself. Yes, bad things can happen if you kick him out, but bad things are already happening and this is destroying your peace and happiness as a couple and family.
I think I would simply and with love tell him it isn’t working out, you are no longer willing to hear his excuses and support his drinking, and formally serve him an eviction notice—he may not have to leave without it, and even with it will have 30 days in most states—to show him you mean business. The intervention didn’t work because he wasn’t ready, and still might not be. I would just ask him to leave with no compromise or additional promises.
You can love him from afar and get your life back, and hopefully he will choose to get his life back as well. As an adult, this is his decision, and you need to find some kind of acceptance for that as all love in the world won’t stop an addict from engaging in their addiction until they are ready. For some, rock bottom / extreme discomfort is what it takes, if they choose it at all. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, became one myself, and my spouse currently is battling drinking issues himself. I chose Recovery, and so far, neither he or my mother have—she died still a drinker, and he is slowly killing himself with drinking-related health issues. I have enabling issues myself to face.
If we could love and support them well, we would, and this list wouldn’t exist.
I am so sorry for the terrible pain you are experiencing, and I truly wish all of you healing and peace.
The advice above to decide what you want to live with is your next step. I also think having a soft landing is perpetuated the problem, but I totally understand he is your son and you love him and you wanted to help him get back on his feet after seperation. But you can’t quit drinking for him, or control his doing it for himself. Yes, bad things can happen if you kick him out, but bad things are already happening and this is destroying your peace and happiness as a couple and family.
I think I would simply and with love tell him it isn’t working out, you are no longer willing to hear his excuses and support his drinking, and formally serve him an eviction notice—he may not have to leave without it, and even with it will have 30 days in most states—to show him you mean business. The intervention didn’t work because he wasn’t ready, and still might not be. I would just ask him to leave with no compromise or additional promises.
You can love him from afar and get your life back, and hopefully he will choose to get his life back as well. As an adult, this is his decision, and you need to find some kind of acceptance for that as all love in the world won’t stop an addict from engaging in their addiction until they are ready. For some, rock bottom / extreme discomfort is what it takes, if they choose it at all. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, became one myself, and my spouse currently is battling drinking issues himself. I chose Recovery, and so far, neither he or my mother have—she died still a drinker, and he is slowly killing himself with drinking-related health issues. I have enabling issues myself to face.
If we could love and support them well, we would, and this list wouldn’t exist.
I am so sorry for the terrible pain you are experiencing, and I truly wish all of you healing and peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I would take the positive reinforcement approach. Tell him he's doing well. He had a difficult time and came to stay temporarily to get back on his feet.
he's over the worst of it now. He's shown he can do well at work - he was employee of the month. He's confident enough to sing in a band. He has many good qualities and lots of skills.
He's 35 years old. He is an adult. Send him off to live his own life. Tell him you believe in him. Invite him back for dinner but don't let him stay.
If he knows really clearly that you will never let him stay ever again he may make different choices.
he's over the worst of it now. He's shown he can do well at work - he was employee of the month. He's confident enough to sing in a band. He has many good qualities and lots of skills.
He's 35 years old. He is an adult. Send him off to live his own life. Tell him you believe in him. Invite him back for dinner but don't let him stay.
If he knows really clearly that you will never let him stay ever again he may make different choices.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
One thing you could do to support that positive approach, which is a great idea, is offer to help him move and get set up in his own place—maybe cover the first month’s rent but have him put up his own damage deposit? Maybe help him find and move some nice secondhand furniture and comfortable foam mattress, or the one from his current bedroom? Those boxed foam mattresses are pretty cheap these days. Perhaps you have some nice old sheets, towels, pans to set him up a bit?
I would not co-sign either lease or utilities, however, and pay the rent for month one as a direct check to the landlord, not cash to your son. I also like the idea of dinners and visits so he stays connected but you are no longer living with the addiction. You are right about being “determined” in that most addicts don’t want to give up their soft landing and stand up and take responsibility, but the job and that success are a great thing to build on
I would not co-sign either lease or utilities, however, and pay the rent for month one as a direct check to the landlord, not cash to your son. I also like the idea of dinners and visits so he stays connected but you are no longer living with the addiction. You are right about being “determined” in that most addicts don’t want to give up their soft landing and stand up and take responsibility, but the job and that success are a great thing to build on
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
As others have said, so sorry for what brings you but glad you have found Sober Recovery.
There is so much experience, wisdom and hope here. Most recently...there is a thread, So Far Gone, that I thought of when reading your post. Similar situation...as they all are, I suppose...but filled with hope.
Over and over, story after story...if nothing changes, then nothing changes. As parents especially, we feel so responsible for the lives we created, and fear the worst if we let go, but all we can do is save ourselves and hope that life will unfold for our addict/alcoholic children in a way that will lead them to recovery and all of its benefits.
My mother's heart is with you and your family, and I hope that your son will find his way to a better,healthier life.
There is so much experience, wisdom and hope here. Most recently...there is a thread, So Far Gone, that I thought of when reading your post. Similar situation...as they all are, I suppose...but filled with hope.
Over and over, story after story...if nothing changes, then nothing changes. As parents especially, we feel so responsible for the lives we created, and fear the worst if we let go, but all we can do is save ourselves and hope that life will unfold for our addict/alcoholic children in a way that will lead them to recovery and all of its benefits.
My mother's heart is with you and your family, and I hope that your son will find his way to a better,healthier life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Hi. Glad you are here. A bit about me. I am the mother of a 32 yr old alcoholic daughter who next month will be sober 2.5 years. She had 3 inpatient treatment stays; the last stay was the only one that was successful, and it was the only one that was initiated by her. The other rehab stays were either initiated by family or the court. I now believe that until the alcoholic wants help it is not going to happen. The rehab initiated by the court- she did every single thing requested of her for 6 months. Passed every sobriety test and after 6 months she got her charge expunged. She stopped for a drink on the way home. The next stay was initiated by us (her parents) We took our grandchild away for safety reasons. She left the next day sobbing about how she was going to do better for her child. That time she was sober for 30 days.
I've begged, cried, pleaded, threatened, and enabled. I have been positive, negative, supportive and unsupportive. We kicked her out. We let her back in. She was the full focus of our life for 10 years. We spent so much money on rehab, rent, collections, court, car repairs, etc. Absolutely nothing we did or didn't do had any bearing on whether or not she drank.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I know for sure is that if he is not even admitting he has a problem, you aren't close to solving the problem. So. Take care of yourself. If it is too stressful on you having him in the house then kick him out. If it would be more stressful for you to throw him out then let him stay. Stop allowing him to be the focus of your life. The next time you go on vacation- block his number. No calls (drunk or sober) allowed. Take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself. Good luck.
I've begged, cried, pleaded, threatened, and enabled. I have been positive, negative, supportive and unsupportive. We kicked her out. We let her back in. She was the full focus of our life for 10 years. We spent so much money on rehab, rent, collections, court, car repairs, etc. Absolutely nothing we did or didn't do had any bearing on whether or not she drank.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I know for sure is that if he is not even admitting he has a problem, you aren't close to solving the problem. So. Take care of yourself. If it is too stressful on you having him in the house then kick him out. If it would be more stressful for you to throw him out then let him stay. Stop allowing him to be the focus of your life. The next time you go on vacation- block his number. No calls (drunk or sober) allowed. Take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself. Good luck.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
I am sorry to read this and I know what you're going through, as I have an alcoholic son too. It's been many years of emotional abuse and frequent verbal attacks. Not to mention the huge sums of money he's been given. He's like Jekyl and Hyde. He lived with me for 3 months about 5 years ago and it was a very unpleasant experience. Even when he comes to stay for weekends I'm treading on eggshells and I'm exhausted and of course he expects me to pay for everything, including his beer. He starts drinking at lunchtime. He makes sure the bar is at the end of the morning walk and gets agitated until he's drunk his first pint of beer. He's now been living with his father for the past two years, his enabler. He won't be kicked out from his father's house as his father is in denial even though I've tried over the years to make him see the problem. Our son lives rent free, all food paid for plus a large sum each month to pop into his bank account. He's also a musician. He was a very gifted musician once upon a time, now unemployed. He can't concentrate very long these days. He wants to go and study at a very reputable music college for 3 years and talks of doing a masters afterwards, by which time he'll be 47 years old. I don't think he has any intention of working and he expects his father and I to continue paying for his living. He's a 43 year old spoilt child. He's got considerably worse over the years and his verbal attacks are more frequent. I've given him a lot of money and especially the last two years. He's very manipulative and believable and manages to con me very easily - such as saying that he needs expensive equipment so that he can do professional recordings and earn money....that sort of thing. Of course he's done nothing. He complains that he can't concentrate on his music practice ... all kinds of excuses will find him heading down to the bar. He calls me and expects me to stay on the phone listening to his rants for hours. His rants are usually insults about his father, calling him 'weak', and 'oaf' an 'idiot' etc. He gets progressively louder and angrier and he won't let me go. In the end I have to hang up. His kind father puts a roof over his head and buys his weekly shop, gives him the use of a car and has just bought him a top of the range iMac. This man also built him a music room in the lower part of the house so that he can practice all day long. This weekend I've received several abusive messages and voicemails. Because I said I had to hang up he messaged me to say he was too busy to see me at weekends or have lunch with me for at least the rest of this year. The voicemail I received today said that he'd made an appointment to see a lawyer tomorrow to legally estrange himself from me and his father as we're dreadful 'toxic' parents. Talk about cutting off the hand that feeds him! Of course he won't do that. It's the drunk talking.
Years ago when he was the age of your son, I was worried sick about him, living in America, working odd jobs, getting fired, getting bailed out by us etc. I thought that having him home back in the UK would be a relief. How wrong I was. He has treated me and his father with total disrespect, hurling his verbal abuse at us whenever he feels like it whilst trying to get as much money from our pension savings as he can. In a nutshell, he's a horrid person these days. His father and I gave him the best education money can buy and at 43 he's unemployed and never held a proper job in his life. For all our kindness and generosity, we're repaid with endless emotional and verbal abuse. It's a roller coaster ride that never ends. These days I accept who he is because I know he'll never change, all the while his father's enabling him. His father is 70 and still works hard running his own small business. His parents died recently, so he's had a lot to cope with, yet he carries on as do I, here alone with my dog trying to enjoy my retirement and trying not to get too upset by the all too frequent verbal attacks.
Alcoholics can be very charming and they can make you doubt yourself, make you think it's not so bad and that you can't throw the baby out with the bath water, take the good stuff and turn a blind eye to the bad. You can kid yourself and pretend they're normal and plan normal things only to be let down by them time and again.
My advice to you is to take the bull by the horns and kick him out of your home now. I can honestly say it won't get better, he won't get better. Your situation will get worse and you'll find yourself in our situation five, seven, ten years down the line. Someone once said to me "You can end it now or suffer longer but you'll still have to end it". How right he was. I've been emotionally abused by my only son for years. I've given and he's taken. He even said to me a few months ago, "When you die, I won't bury you".
I couldn't end it when I should have done years ago, so I've suffered a lot of heartache. I am going to need all the strength in the world to end it now but so help me God, I will end it.
Years ago when he was the age of your son, I was worried sick about him, living in America, working odd jobs, getting fired, getting bailed out by us etc. I thought that having him home back in the UK would be a relief. How wrong I was. He has treated me and his father with total disrespect, hurling his verbal abuse at us whenever he feels like it whilst trying to get as much money from our pension savings as he can. In a nutshell, he's a horrid person these days. His father and I gave him the best education money can buy and at 43 he's unemployed and never held a proper job in his life. For all our kindness and generosity, we're repaid with endless emotional and verbal abuse. It's a roller coaster ride that never ends. These days I accept who he is because I know he'll never change, all the while his father's enabling him. His father is 70 and still works hard running his own small business. His parents died recently, so he's had a lot to cope with, yet he carries on as do I, here alone with my dog trying to enjoy my retirement and trying not to get too upset by the all too frequent verbal attacks.
Alcoholics can be very charming and they can make you doubt yourself, make you think it's not so bad and that you can't throw the baby out with the bath water, take the good stuff and turn a blind eye to the bad. You can kid yourself and pretend they're normal and plan normal things only to be let down by them time and again.
My advice to you is to take the bull by the horns and kick him out of your home now. I can honestly say it won't get better, he won't get better. Your situation will get worse and you'll find yourself in our situation five, seven, ten years down the line. Someone once said to me "You can end it now or suffer longer but you'll still have to end it". How right he was. I've been emotionally abused by my only son for years. I've given and he's taken. He even said to me a few months ago, "When you die, I won't bury you".
I couldn't end it when I should have done years ago, so I've suffered a lot of heartache. I am going to need all the strength in the world to end it now but so help me God, I will end it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
I'm sorry you are going through this as well Codimum, I am glad you are looking out for yourselves now.
This post is from a thread in the stickies forum at the top of the F&F of Substance Abusers forum:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
This post is from a thread in the stickies forum at the top of the F&F of Substance Abusers forum:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
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