Originally Posted by wfridae

Hello, all,
First, we appreciate any who take an interest in our situation and offer advice or understanding. We're at a loss.

Our son (35) just moved back home after a separation from his wife, loss of his job and apartment, and major medical issues (alcohol-related, we believe). All of these issues are alcohol-related. His ex-wife has since gone through rehab and just passed her first year of sobriety. She seems to be doing well. Our son doesn't see that alcohol is a problem.

Some background: Our son was/is very intelligent but got mixed up with drug and alcohol abusers in college. He became a punk rock singer and was popular in his world. We kept track of him from afar, but we realized that we had little influence over him, so we tried to love him and support him as best we could. When he got married, we hoped that it would help turn his life around. For a time, we thought they were doing well, but gradually saw that their lives were centered around alcohol.

After his medical emergency, we managed to get out of the hospital staff that it was "alcohol related," but with HPPA laws, we never got the full story. He, of course, had a totally different story. We tried to do an intervention, but our son and his wife resisted.

Finally, she hit bottom and left. She, as I mentioned, got help. But our son fell apart, lost his job and apartment.
At this point, we thought he also hit bottom, and we could take him in and help him get back on his feet. We told him that we would if he "focused on his health and take his share of responsibility," is how we put it to him.
He did earn enough money to pay us back for the $2400 debt for leaving his apartment a wreck. He got and lost several jobs here in our town as a cook. One job was lost because of his "drinking and lack of personal hygiene," the manager told me. He now has gotten and kept a good job as a prep cook at a nice restaurant here in town. He's proud of his job, always gets there 10-20 minutes early, and was nominated as best employee last month. So some ups and some downs.

Recently, we left home for travel and got some wild, drunken calls from him in the middle of the night. It pretty much ruined our travels. We came home to find some unexplained things broken and his only explanation was that he had "no idea how it happened."

I see now, his agreement with us "to focus on health and take responsibility" was just a way that he could continue to abuse alcohol without interruption. Various times, we have caught him in lies about how much and when he's been drinking. We also see now that we should have been harder on him when he was moving back in, and made it conditional on getting professional help.

His promises to seek a medical a check-up have gone from one excuse to the next. First, issues with insurance, later, waiting for authorization, then "pinky-swearing" to go next week, then saying he just didnt think he needed it. Throughout all this, the most discouraging thing is the lying and gas-lighting us. Most of the time, he is funny, helpful, and acts (when sober) very intelligent. We love him, but at the same time, he breaks our hearts.

We are at a point of decision. Do we try another intervention? Do we kick him out, knowing it would probably lead to the loss of his job and probably homelessness? Do we continue to have regular, polite "family meetings" where we suggest counseling and medical advice? We are trying to be loving and helpful, but in writing this, I see we have been naive as well. We realize we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and can't fix it. So what CAN we do?