I’ve been in this spot - where behavior is abusive but I wasn’t ready to call my ex an “abuser.” It’s hard.
From an outsider’s perspective, I’ll just say that this sounds incredibly harmful to you and your sweet kids. You are entitled to FEEL angry about that harm, but you are the only person who can DO anything about ending the harm. Your husband is not capable. He is drinking alcoholically and treating you terribly.
You can’t make someone respect your boundaries. You can set them, observe behavior, then enforce your own protection policies.
I’m thinking of you today.