Hatguysgirl

My Stbxah sent me a message a few days ago saying I was going to get my wish. What wish? Oh his life is going to fall apart and he is going to be homeless and jobless within a week. Yeah ok. A few days later I asked if his girlfriend was aware he planned on leaving and he said oh that's not happening anymore. Ooookay. Either way I told him I don't want his stuff back at my house if they break up. Then today marked the day he could no longer file an appeal for the custody decision for our children, and I asked if he had. He said no I am getting everything I want. And if his kids ask that I am supposed to tell them I'm controlling him through his kids. Dear Lord. He followed that up with he hasn't had a drink in a week and I should just be letting him watch them on his days off. Apparently despite the fact that he had been having an emotional affair and had been planning on leaving me, this whole thing is my fault because I filed for divorce.

I told him I don't think he'll be rational for at least 6 months if he continues to not drink and I wasn't going to fight with him about it. The court agreed with me, end of story..

I have zero hope that he's actually going to quit drinking. I'm willing to bet the girlfriend already has had enough and gave him an ultimatum about being in her house while he continues to drink.

But I also hope I'm wrong.

I have a scheduled C-section the day after tomorrow, which will mark the last thing I feel like I need to involve him in, thank goodness. If he chooses to contact me to see the kids, cool, but as he hasn't tried to see them since just after Christmas I doubt he will. I bought myself some fancy cupcakes today, and got the house cleaned. So I can relax and have myself some cake tonight, and just enjoy one of the last nights I will ever be pregnant.

FWN

The message he sent you about getting your wish sounds exactly like some thing my ex would've sent me. Heck, some thing he probably still would today send me. They are the victim. It's all our fault. (Obviously we know better but it sure is a mind trip even though we are fully aware they are wrong).

it is mind boggling how they can go so long without seeing their kids. They really are in their own selfish worlds. But really and truly it's a blessing for you to have him gone when he's like this.

I separated from my ex when my third child was three months old, divorced by the time she was a couple months shy of a year. It's hard but you will be so much happier on your own raising them then with him around.

I hope you have a good support system around you, while all of that sucks about your ex it is super exciting bringing a baby into the world. I hope all of that goes well.

Seren

Yes, it is a rollercoaster. I'm glad you are enjoying your night, and you and your baby will be in my prayers for Wednesday. Sending hugs!

Hatguysgirl

Truly I am so glad he isn't here. For someone who claims to hate drama he sure has invited a lot of it into his life. I ACTUALLY hate drama, and am just so happy to have a clean home, and mostly calm happy children around me. It will be hard to get through the sleep deprivation of a brand new baby on my own, but he would have been next to no help anyway. I'm also grateful in an odd way that it hit the fan while I was exactly as pregnant as I was. I'm sure it was more difficult to get through because of the hormones, but I know I'm through the worst of the emotional turmoil before the baby is born. I sort of feel like his renewed blaming me and telling me that he was going to be homeless was him putting out feelers for how receptive I would be to letting him come home. Especially since we have to be at the hospital at 5am and he tried to tell me he wouldn't be able to be there at that time if he didn't stay here the night before. If I was less sure that I could do this on my own I may have wavered. But as it is I was very clear that he is not welcome here for anything but supervised visitation.

It completely blows my mind how delusional he is. A rational person would realize that he won't be able to live in his own apartment without a roommate even if he gets a second job (not with the cost of housing and paying child support on 4 kids.) A rational person wouldnt be blaming their spouse for filing for divorce when they had been planning on leaving anyway (let's be honest, he wouldn't have left, he would have cheated as long as he could get away with it.) A rational person wouldn't be blaming their ex for them not calling or showing up to see their kids. I know it's actual brain damage, but dang!

Of course I didn't notice how far gone he was when he was living here, so I was pretty delusional myself.

FWN

I was delusional too. But I try not to be too hard on myself anymore. Gas lighting is really, really hard to spot when it's your HUSBAND doing it to you. The person who is supposed to be your partner and have your best interest at heart.

Hatguysgirl

I definitely let myself off the hook pretty quickly as far as giving myself any blame. I'll take my fair share of blame for our relationship issues that aren't connected to the addictions, but when I sat down and looked back at all of his addiction stuff I did a pretty decent job detaching from it naturally. I called out gaslighting when I saw it, and actually I saw it more often then I didn't. I wonder if that's why I didn't realize how delusional he had gotten, maybe it's because he mostly stopped talking about anything that wasn't related to the game we played together and complaining about work. That and I was always so busy trying to take care of the house and the kids. I knew (and complained about) him contributing to the mess, but I never dreamed I'd go from cleaning several hours a day and still living in constant mess, to cleaning half an hour to an hour a day and catching up on things like cleaning the fridge out (it was sooo gross, I'm honestly disgusted how bad it got in the 6 months it had been since the last time I did it, dried beer and dust just coating the back of the shelves, ugh) and washing the walls. I can even skip a day or 3 and it's still just lived in now. That was probably the biggest delusion I had was that the kids were the reason the house was so trashed all the time. Nope, it was him!

trailmix

I wish you well on Wednesday, what a happy day!

It's funny you said that about the cleaning. People sometimes say they aren't sure if they can do all of it without the ex-alcoholic etc and come to find that finances are better, life is easier, etc etc.

SmallButMighty

This was my experience. I was terrified I could not afford to live on my own. I went into super thrifty mode and kept my head down. When I looked up in a few months, I had more money in the bank than I had ever had in my life and a perfect credit score. Amazing how much easier it is to balance a household budget when a drunk isn't at the reigns. And yes, my home stayed much tidier and never smelled like a booze can. Separating from my AXH was the most miserable experience, but not having to live in his gaslit cloud of chaos any longer was/is such a blessing.

Hatguysgirl

Financially, I was also terrified. I was spending all of my money on bills and household expenses, and he *almost* paid for daycare. To him, giving me half of his pay was plenty, and ignored the fact that he had half of his pay as spending money, while all of mine was spent. I figured I'd break even after he started paying child support. I never realized that 75% of the food bill was just him. I went from spending $800 a month on food to just over $200. 1 person out of the 5 of us was eating $600 in food a month. Holy cow. So once I start getting child support (if he doesn't quit his job, which he probably will sooner or later) I'll actually be able to save money for the first time in years! I was shocked when I realized that. I can even almost pay all the household expenses on my own now that I'm not feeding him.
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I had so much fear when everything happened. But all that's gone now. I was an anxious mess, terrified at how I would get everything done, and feed and clothe the kids. What a difference 4 months has made! Not to say I'm not still sad. But we're all so much better off without the addiction in the house. I'm so glad I got off the rollercoaster.

vision2023

Wishing you well with your delivery tomorrow! How exciting! I hope you ate allthe cupcakes last night!!! You sound like a strong woman and a great mom! Stay positive!!!

Amaranth

I´m really sorry to hear your husband is putting all his stuff on you at this time. I hope everything goes really well for the C´section tomorrow. So good to hear you are enjoying your last night of being pregnant. Its such an exciting time for you despite the ¨"other stuff". You sound in a really good place. You sound practical and organised. All the best to you and the new baby when it comes.

I too found out that I was so much better off financially on my own. Wish I could say the same about the mess. It honestly was a shock to me to realise that my new house was so messy when I was the only one living in it. Its clean though and I never have dirty dishes in the sink.

Hatguysgirl

Thanks everyone! I feel really together right now, let's see how that goes once I have a newborn again haha!

Got a message and a picture a few hours ago, he has a mysterious rash on his face. I told him he needs to get himself to urgent care and get a diagnosis if he wants to go to the delivery in the morning. I'm no doctor but the way he jumped straight into bed with this girl it wouldn't surprise me if it's an std rash, and there's no way in heck I'm taking that chance with my newborn. Well of course his girlfriend won't be home until after urgent care closes. I told him if he really wants to be there he will figure it out. Luckily my step mom and father are planning on driving me to the hospital and she wanted to be in the room while I deliver anyway, so I am actually pretty relieved to think I will probably have her with me instead of him.

Would it be out of control to tell him I need to see a Drs note before he can meet the baby even when the rash clears up? I know several stds (including syphilis) can cause rashes that can spread the disease as part of a secondary infection. But it could just as easily be contact dermititis. I'm usually pretty chill about those kinds of things but his lifestyle frankly scares me as far as what he may have picked up. Going to try to remember to ask the Dr and show them the picture he sent me and see what they think about him being around the baby (obviously they won't be able to give me a diagnosis but it will be nice to have a Dr tell me not to worry.)

vision2023

I don’t think that’s out of control! You’re protecting your baby!!!!

velma929

I was curious about this: my Google-fu was strong today, and this is what I found:

https://www.askmen.com/sports/health...your-face.html

I'll bottom line it_ all wicked contagious.

Hatguysgirl

Delivery went well, I just got home. Baby and I are both doing well, older sisters are loving having a tiny baby brother. Stbxah said the rash is face mites, but did not have any proof, and has not gotten me any (not even proof he actually went to a Dr.) So he has not met the baby yet. He seems upset about it, but actually is mad at himself for once. I find that exciting, I was not expecting him to take responsibility for his own actions. I mean, he's not mad enough at himself to go to the Dr and get a note, but at least he's not mad at me haha.

trailmix

Congratulations Hgg! How nice, a Son for you and a baby Brother for his Sisters, I'm sure they will spoil him : )

vision2023

Congratulations!!!!

Live

Congratulations!!!!

Bute

Many Congratulations 😊
much Love
Bute x

Hawkeye13

Congratulations! How are you and baby doing?