Desperate to break out of this cycle for good!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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Desperate to break out of this cycle for good!!!
I’ve asked my AP to leave. I hate to admit this is probably the 4 th time in 10 years that I’m doing this. I always take him back bc as soon as he leaves he cleans himself up and I fall for it. Within a month he is drinking again. How do I stay strong and not take him back this time? I’m definitely a codependent! I am hoping I am strong enough to block his number right away! I am about to turn 50 and I don’t want this for the rest of my life. He is a good, smart, funny man, but an alcoholic. He works and is not abusive. Most nights he passes out on the couch sitting up with a half empty beer in his hand. I want to be done with this!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi vision, glad you posted.
I have a suggestion. Instead of attempting to stay strong not to go back, how about setting some boundaries around it (for yourself, you don't even have to tell him if you don't want to). If he sobers up and cleans up all good and fine, but a few weeks of sobriety is just a drop in the ocean.
He would need at least a good year of sobriety and working on recovery (two different things) before he will have any kind of strong foothold. Recovery being working on himself, maybe AA meetings or therapy or some group.
Those would be indicators that he's serious. Not him staying (kind of) sober for a few weeks and appearing to have it together. You can't trust that. So if you really don't want this, maybe set that boundary, a year of complete sobriety and working on recovery and you might consider a relationship, taken very slowly even then. I'm going to guess he would balk at that (if you told him). Even that is only if you are actually interested, maybe you would like to move on now.
Second would be to write a list of all the awful things about this relationship:
- Bails on plans or is too drunk to go
- Doesn't answer my text for two days sometimes
- Disappears for days
- Can't go anywhere that alcohol isn't served
- Says I am "too sensitive"
etc etc. Keep that list handy and whenever you start thinking about the "good times", pull that list out (even if that's 20 times a day to start). Add to it as you think of things.
Most important is taking care of yourself. Being around friends and family that you care about, posting here instead of texting him, talking about your story.
Read around the forum, you will probably find many threads you can relate to.
I have a suggestion. Instead of attempting to stay strong not to go back, how about setting some boundaries around it (for yourself, you don't even have to tell him if you don't want to). If he sobers up and cleans up all good and fine, but a few weeks of sobriety is just a drop in the ocean.
He would need at least a good year of sobriety and working on recovery (two different things) before he will have any kind of strong foothold. Recovery being working on himself, maybe AA meetings or therapy or some group.
Those would be indicators that he's serious. Not him staying (kind of) sober for a few weeks and appearing to have it together. You can't trust that. So if you really don't want this, maybe set that boundary, a year of complete sobriety and working on recovery and you might consider a relationship, taken very slowly even then. I'm going to guess he would balk at that (if you told him). Even that is only if you are actually interested, maybe you would like to move on now.
Second would be to write a list of all the awful things about this relationship:
- Bails on plans or is too drunk to go
- Doesn't answer my text for two days sometimes
- Disappears for days
- Can't go anywhere that alcohol isn't served
- Says I am "too sensitive"
etc etc. Keep that list handy and whenever you start thinking about the "good times", pull that list out (even if that's 20 times a day to start). Add to it as you think of things.
Most important is taking care of yourself. Being around friends and family that you care about, posting here instead of texting him, talking about your story.
Read around the forum, you will probably find many threads you can relate to.
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Join Date: Oct 2022
Posts: 94
I agree with the lists as a helper to remind you what you don't want back. I'm really struggling with keeping contact with my ex at a minimum (have to have SOME contact as I'm almost due with our 3rd baby) and going back to all the reasons I cannot just forgive and forget is really helpful when I'm having weak moments. I also opened a new tab of this forum and went all the way back to the oldest posts and am reading them when I'm having a moment (or a day) and need reminding that even if he sobers up today, until he's proven that HE is serious about recovery, nothing will change.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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Thank you for the advice. I actually had posted a couple of years ago and got great advice. I couldn’t get back into the account, but I did find my posts. I was so glad I could reread them! My username was vision2020 (lowercase v). For some reason I could only get to them once 
. Not sure what happened). Anyway, I will make that list. I found a list in my journal from several years ago, but it still applies today. I also wrote that I regretted taking him back so quickly. At this moment he is working so hard to do everything right. It honestly is very frustrating for me bc he NEVER did these things in the past…grocery shop, laundry, clean. And he has been going on walks! I KNOW this is temporary. It always stops. I’ve also come to realize that there is more to my unhappiness with the relationship. We really don’t want the same things. I want to travel, stay active, perhaps save for a second home or update our current home. He has ZERO interest in this drinking or not. He wants to stay home and do nothing.
. Not sure what happened). Anyway, I will make that list. I found a list in my journal from several years ago, but it still applies today. I also wrote that I regretted taking him back so quickly. At this moment he is working so hard to do everything right. It honestly is very frustrating for me bc he NEVER did these things in the past…grocery shop, laundry, clean. And he has been going on walks! I KNOW this is temporary. It always stops. I’ve also come to realize that there is more to my unhappiness with the relationship. We really don’t want the same things. I want to travel, stay active, perhaps save for a second home or update our current home. He has ZERO interest in this drinking or not. He wants to stay home and do nothing.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by vision2023 
At this moment he is working so hard to do everything right. It honestly is very frustrating for me bc he NEVER did these things in the past…grocery shop, laundry, clean. And he has been going on walks! I KNOW this is temporary. It always stops. I’ve also come to realize that there is more to my unhappiness with the relationship. We really don’t want the same things. I want to travel, stay active, perhaps save for a second home or update our current home. He has ZERO interest in this drinking or not. He wants to stay home and do nothing.
What you do know is that you and he really don't want the same things. So this suddenly becomes less about his sobriety, and primarily about you no longer being compatible because you don't want the same things.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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So I went and looked at your previous posts and you posted this in January 2020 in someone's thread:
So how is this time different? Is it really?
As you mentioned though, you want to be out and about, travelling and having FUN! Why not, why not do those things you want to, you would probably thoroughly enjoy it.
Originally Posted by 2020vision
We have gotten back together after breakups in the past. He is always on his best behavior for the first few weeks. He does things that I would have to practically beg him to do before. It’s short lived...be careful with that. I find it frustrating that he only really steps up to the plate when I get to this point.
As you mentioned though, you want to be out and about, travelling and having FUN! Why not, why not do those things you want to, you would probably thoroughly enjoy it.
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Wow! I didn’t catch that one. Pretty much word for word the same thing I posted a few days ago. My partner doesn’t get in my way of doing what I want. He used to say he wished I wouldn’t take trips for safety reasons, but he has given up that. I used to not do anything bc i felt i shouldn’t do stuff he didn’t want to do and I didn’t want him to worry about me. But, recentlyI have started traveling again and going out. I’m trying not to feel guilty about doing it. But, while I thought I had a great situation…my partner watches the dogs and the house while I go on trips, I realize that I want a partner that wants to do these things with me. People must think I made him up bc he never attends anything with me! I know he enjoys drinking when I’m gone, too. More than once he completely forgot about a conversation we had the night before. I try not to let this bother me, but it does. Maybe my situation isn’t terrible, but I want more for myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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He's probably forgotten many conversations.
It's easy to forget the identical circumstances - he sobers up (maybe) for a short while, does all he thinks he should be doing, gets back in to your good graces and it all starts again. Now you are in firehouse management, he's talking about depression and what a loser he is, you are trying to help him and build him up and keep things on an even keel. You've forgotten he was cleaning the kitchen, that's history and you are back in the thick of things, that doesn't leave a lot of time for pondering.
That's why having the list with you all the time is key. If you have a hard copy, put it in your pocket. Every time you get to ruminating about the "good times" or how he needs your help, grab that list, remind yourself where you have been and why you are now where you are with him.
Plus you are used to this life style, you have been doing it for a long time. You seem to have genuine empathy for him. Compassion is much safer, from a distance. For many people wanting to help out someone we care about is a good thing and natural. This is a situation where you have tried and not been successful. It was never going to work, no matter what you did (and I'm sure you have tried to present help to him in a thousand different ways). It's not that he doesn't understand, he probably does, but he either won't or can't change.
You don't really have a reason to feel guilty do you? You didn't do anything with mean intent and you weren't being malicious. You are just looking out for yourself and that's ok. There is selfish and there is a healthy dose of looking after yourself, two vastly different things.
It's easy to forget the identical circumstances - he sobers up (maybe) for a short while, does all he thinks he should be doing, gets back in to your good graces and it all starts again. Now you are in firehouse management, he's talking about depression and what a loser he is, you are trying to help him and build him up and keep things on an even keel. You've forgotten he was cleaning the kitchen, that's history and you are back in the thick of things, that doesn't leave a lot of time for pondering.
That's why having the list with you all the time is key. If you have a hard copy, put it in your pocket. Every time you get to ruminating about the "good times" or how he needs your help, grab that list, remind yourself where you have been and why you are now where you are with him.
Plus you are used to this life style, you have been doing it for a long time. You seem to have genuine empathy for him. Compassion is much safer, from a distance. For many people wanting to help out someone we care about is a good thing and natural. This is a situation where you have tried and not been successful. It was never going to work, no matter what you did (and I'm sure you have tried to present help to him in a thousand different ways). It's not that he doesn't understand, he probably does, but he either won't or can't change.
You don't really have a reason to feel guilty do you? You didn't do anything with mean intent and you weren't being malicious. You are just looking out for yourself and that's ok. There is selfish and there is a healthy dose of looking after yourself, two vastly different things.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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FWNs earlier post gave me the courage to follow through…I just told my AP that his request to live together through the winter wasn’t going to work for me. He had claimed it would help me out if there was a snowstorm, heat issue, etc. he also said maybe we should hold off bc I tend to change my mind. This frustrated me a bit bc it’s not like I just changed my mind for no reason in the past. I took him back bc I believed he was done drinking and wanted to improve his quality of life for us. Anyway, His response tonight was “okay”…as simple as that…”okay”. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said “no. You want me to go so I’ll start packing.” Any thoughts? He was so matter of fact. At least there was no argument, but …it was literally a 5 second conversation.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Let him go. I doubt it will go without a fight or majorly guilting you. But right now he's probably figuring out his next move with you, how he can convince you.
At the end of my marriage I decided to listen to ACTIONS only, words literally meant nothing to me. Any promises or words about change meant NOTHING. Only look at actions, they tell you everything.
At the end of my marriage I decided to listen to ACTIONS only, words literally meant nothing to me. Any promises or words about change meant NOTHING. Only look at actions, they tell you everything.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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Moving out by end of month
He said he would be out by the end of the month. He wants to by a trailer to store his stuff. He is going to stay at his parents bc they are away for a few months. He also said he needs to find a bed bc his parents got rid of the extras. I started to say “you can buy a bed anywhere, but stopped myself. The funny thing is he has been sleeping on the couch in our house for a year or more. Yes, we haven’t shared a bed in over a year…no intimacy at all! I was a little disappointed at the two weeks comment, but maybe it’s okay. In the past, when he leaves, he leaves abruptly. He doesn’t take anything. I suppose that’s one way he leaves the door open to come back. Maybe it’s better that he takes more time but takes all his stuff.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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It would be great if he takes all his stuff, however, it does sound like stalling, if his parents have already left, he has a place to stay now and no reason to hang around.
However, he can't back out now for the same reason, since he has an empty house to go to. Trailers, storage, parents being away, not your circus. Perhaps you can hint around that he can leave his stuff there and that makes it easier for him to move right away. As you said, a bed is an easy thing to find.
However, he can't back out now for the same reason, since he has an empty house to go to. Trailers, storage, parents being away, not your circus. Perhaps you can hint around that he can leave his stuff there and that makes it easier for him to move right away. As you said, a bed is an easy thing to find.
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I worried about what you said trailmix. In fact, yesterday he went 1.5 hours away to buy a trailer but came back with nothing. I do believe that the guy sold it to someone else, but it still meant NO TRAILER. So, this morning I asked if he had found a bed. He said he saw one on Amazon. I offered to order it for him bc I have Prime. He said fine. So, the bed arrives tomorrow. What I find slightly odd is that he only wanted a camping cot. I think that is pretty stupid, but I bit my tongue…not my problem…I have a bed. He then said he would start sleeping at his parents Tuesday night and get everything out of the house then. He will get all his other outdoor stuff when he gets a trailer.
I have a small pit in my stomach. He currently isn’t drinking and our brief conversations are decent. I try not to engage in conversation bc I don’t want to send mixed signals. I’m about to write down some boundaries for when he leaves. I’ve been thinking about that suggestion for a bit and can see where it would be really helpful. One more thing, I went to the bank yesterday to see about getting my name off his accounts. He has to do it. It requires him closing the account and opening a new one. I know he will possibly never do that, but I will let him know.
I have a small pit in my stomach. He currently isn’t drinking and our brief conversations are decent. I try not to engage in conversation bc I don’t want to send mixed signals. I’m about to write down some boundaries for when he leaves. I’ve been thinking about that suggestion for a bit and can see where it would be really helpful. One more thing, I went to the bank yesterday to see about getting my name off his accounts. He has to do it. It requires him closing the account and opening a new one. I know he will possibly never do that, but I will let him know.
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I suspect camping cot may be a “poor me” ploy to get you to let him stay. Sounds like it had some effect perhaps?
He has a safe place to go and apparently enough money to take care of himself.
He has to choose to make changes that last— it isn’t your responsibility.
If you can shift the focus back on yourself and your needs you will find peace much quicker.
It isn’t easy to see someone we care about continuing to make poor choices, but he an adult and entitled to live his life as he chooses.
That doesn’t mean you have to have a front row seat— I strongly suggest going no contact, at least for a few months, after he leaves to let things settle and get your balance fully back.
He has a safe place to go and apparently enough money to take care of himself.
He has to choose to make changes that last— it isn’t your responsibility.
If you can shift the focus back on yourself and your needs you will find peace much quicker.
It isn’t easy to see someone we care about continuing to make poor choices, but he an adult and entitled to live his life as he chooses.
That doesn’t mean you have to have a front row seat— I strongly suggest going no contact, at least for a few months, after he leaves to let things settle and get your balance fully back.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Unfortunately, this situation may never resolve if you wait for him to do the (right or healthy) thing.
If the issue is his stuff is not moved and that is why he's still there, give him a solid deadline. If he ignores that, perhaps pay for a storage rental for one month, move all his stuff there, give him the key, office contact information, and then it is on him to either pay for the storage or move his stuff.
Most of us know that it is possible to pack and move stuff without buying a trailor, and to sleep without a bed . . . I agree with other comments that this is a "poor me" tactic.
If the issue is his stuff is not moved and that is why he's still there, give him a solid deadline. If he ignores that, perhaps pay for a storage rental for one month, move all his stuff there, give him the key, office contact information, and then it is on him to either pay for the storage or move his stuff.
Most of us know that it is possible to pack and move stuff without buying a trailor, and to sleep without a bed . . . I agree with other comments that this is a "poor me" tactic.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Good for you for staying away from conversations. It's also good that he is moving on Tuesday, he knows you've had enough.
Now all you have to do is lay low until Wednesday!
It is hard, especially when you know someone well, to not suggest things like, why don't you just buy a memory foam mattress at least! But you didn't - and that's great. A camping cot sounds really uncomfortable and it is also his choice, so there you have it.
Also, the suggestion to not talk to him for some time, it's a really solid suggestion. Once, after a break up, I stayed in contact with the guy and you know, it was awful. He was pretty awful too lol - but anyway. Eventually I said to him, let's not talk for a while, I'm not disappearing or anything, just think it's a good idea, something like that.
I never heard from him again (yay!), never want to. And you know it's funny, he crossed my mind the other day and I couldn't immediately remember his last name. I haven't spoken to him in about 5-6 years I guess, but I just thought that was funny.
It helps to know that you could contact him if you really wanted to. Try to ride out those feelings, for an hour or a minute or a day. They will pass, it gets easier quite quickly as you go about doing your own thing.
Now all you have to do is lay low until Wednesday!
It is hard, especially when you know someone well, to not suggest things like, why don't you just buy a memory foam mattress at least! But you didn't - and that's great. A camping cot sounds really uncomfortable and it is also his choice, so there you have it.
Also, the suggestion to not talk to him for some time, it's a really solid suggestion. Once, after a break up, I stayed in contact with the guy and you know, it was awful. He was pretty awful too lol - but anyway. Eventually I said to him, let's not talk for a while, I'm not disappearing or anything, just think it's a good idea, something like that.
I never heard from him again (yay!), never want to. And you know it's funny, he crossed my mind the other day and I couldn't immediately remember his last name. I haven't spoken to him in about 5-6 years I guess, but I just thought that was funny.
It helps to know that you could contact him if you really wanted to. Try to ride out those feelings, for an hour or a minute or a day. They will pass, it gets easier quite quickly as you go about doing your own thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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Things moving right along, or should I say OUT!
My AP moved everything out of the house. He also moved some bigger items from the yard onto another property he has. He found a trailer and is getting it tomorrow. There has been one delay…the darn camping cot! I can track it and it should be here tomorrow. He asked if he could stay one more night. I’m fine with that bc I’m out of the house early and out paths won’t cross much. I was reading another post from today about cleaning. I just cleaned out the fridge…yikes! I hope my house stays cleaner. He claims he has very little, but that is soooo not true! I feel okay. I keep reminding myself not to fall for his current state…he still isn’t drinking and is down 28 lbs! He stopped eating McDonald’s. But, I’ve seen this before. And…he only stopped drinking a couple months ago bc I told him I was done! It wasn’t like he came to it on his own. And, I remind myself that even if he never drinks again he is not the one for me.
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Yes, it's really a case of steeling yourself and getting through this time (which is hard). It takes courage and you are doing so well vision. Tomorrow you can give a huge sigh of relief.
It can take a little while to adjust to them not being there and also to adjust to the absence of so much drama and no alcoholism etc to focus on, but that will come with time. It is time to be kind to yourself and do things that you like and if you have been isolated, time to maybe get in touch with some people. Imagine, you cold invite someone over for dinner if you like!
Hang in there.
It can take a little while to adjust to them not being there and also to adjust to the absence of so much drama and no alcoholism etc to focus on, but that will come with time. It is time to be kind to yourself and do things that you like and if you have been isolated, time to maybe get in touch with some people. Imagine, you cold invite someone over for dinner if you like!
Hang in there.
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