Angrylove

Well it finally happened, my I guess now Ex rolled his truck 3 days ago…drunk. He called me to have me come to the scene for a ride… immediately I wanted to ask him if he was drinking but restrained and asked what happened. He said he was reaching for his phone to text me. Anyways… I get there and it is on its roof, destroyed and how he got out alive is beyond me. The tow truck was there and just then the police arrived. I was so shocked I never even spoke to him. As soon as he opened his mouth I knew he was drunk. Honestly I was praying they take him, which they did. I called his brother to let him know and told him that he would have to take care of this. 3 days later he is released and I DREADED seeing him. I knew I would either marshmallow or be screaming mad. I can’t even describe the conversation as I am STILL in utter shock. Keep in mind we have been together 12 years, 7 of the happiest and 5 miserable. We have a 6 yr old son and lots of responsibilities including a lot of farm animals to take care of. So now he has destroyed our truck and left me with everything on my own. ANYWAYS, he pulls up and gets out… he was definately downtrodden but no true apologies. I tell him how grateful I am he is alive and he needs treatment. He nods and then tells me that he is getting an apartment as he just doesn’t “feel” anything between us anymore. To be honest, the days he was gone was a relief and I didn’t know if I would be able to let him go at such a bad time in his life… but then HE breaks up with me! So of course being the mental case I am, now I am devastated wondering what is wrong with me that he can’t love me. What is wrong with my head? I spoke to his brother, who is also his employer, for hours about his attitude and drinking and he even said he is not completing his work when all the stories I heard from him was 12 hour days and back breaking labor. So being I am a little shocked but want to remain amicable since we have a child together, I said a lot of things I meant, that I wanted him to get better and I will always be his friend. He tells me “ I really am not an alcoholic, I can quit anytime, it’s just hard for me to stop after 3 beers”. So immediately I am thankful again, because he still can’t see it. I have never known how much he drinks because he says some days it’s just 2 beers, but the non-emotional rational brain knows different. His everyday complaining and criticism and secrets, the personality change… I lead towards A. This is probably not going to be as hard as I imagine, but oh boy even if it was **** I am going to miss him. He never did **** but I for some dumb reason feel like he was my rock. I just want to crawl in a hole. It makes me just hate myself, because this POS left ME. It’s for the best, but damn, that hurts. I am glad I was supportive and such but I feel like damaged goods. There are so many more ridiculous details but….End of nonsense rant!! Love you all!!! Maybe in the end I can help someone out on here with my expensive learning experience!!!

trailmix

Hi AL, so sorry you have been through all this. It's traumatic and sad.

Right now, you aren't really thinking clearly perhaps? It's all been such a tornado with drama (he is the tornado and the drama btw).

It's also something you are used to, after several years. I imagine your house is now pretty quiet and peaceful. You don't have to (but probably are) wondering when he will roll in the door, drunk? sober-ish? Tipsy? Getting used to quiet and peace takes time.

What you said here is really telling:

Love you? He is an alcoholic, who just got out of a prison hold, charged with DUI after rolling your truck, no apology and walks out on you and your child. Does that even vaguely sound like someone who could love anyone? (it doesn't).

I'm sure friends and family, if they know, say, you are better off without him and it's good he left and thank god he's away and that probably hurts, because they don't understand you are still attached to him.

With the horrible way he has probably treated you for at least 5 years, are you even in love with him anymore? Or are you in love with the idea of how he used to be. He's not that guy anymore, sadly.

Anyway, you have time now and after a few days the FOG will start to clear, Fear, Obligation, Guilt and you will see he didn't leave you (per-se) he chose alcohol.

You might find this thread helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

It's found in our Classic Reading section in the stickies at the top of the forum - under About Recovery - Classic Reading

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Lots of really good threads there that might also help you feel better and get a different perspective.

Angrylove

It is hard, it will get better. Your words inspire me. I hope for easier days ahead

Eauchiche

One of the kindest things we can do for someone, is to allow them to face the consequences of their own choices.

onegoodegg

I had the exact same feelings when my EXAH told me he wanted a divorce, and not even try marriage counseling. Why am I not good enough for him? Why was our relationship not worth working on? It's hard to realize that it's not about you at all, and it's taken me over a year to understand that. I included an article below that has really helped me in reaching the acceptance phase. Does it still hurt? Yes. I still think about him every day, and miss what we had before the alcohol really took over. But I'm now focusing on my happiness, and letting him deal with the consequences of his excessive drinking.

Why Drug Addicts Will Always Choose Drugs over Love

From Laguna Shores Recovery Website

Today, 18.5 million Americans have a drug or alcohol use disorder. That means 1 in 25 Americans has a substance use disorder. And, many of those people have partners, lovers, spouses, and romantic relationships. Most of us, in that position of dating someone with a substance use disorder, struggle to help our loved ones. We continue to invest, we dump time and energy into relationships that are doomed to fail – simply because we are more invested than the people we love.

While it’s a sad truth and a hard truth, someone who is addicted to a substance will always choose that substance over someone they love. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been with you or how much they love you. They have valid, chemical, and mental reasons to choose the substance. Without drug and alcohol treatment, they simply are not capable of doing anything else.

The Reward Circuit and Relationships

Most people have heard of the reward circuit. This is a connection of neurotransmitters and receptors in the brain. It’s most commonly linked to serotonin and dopamine production, uptake, and reabsorption. Here, the brain produces dopamine to encourage socially desirable behavior. So, for example, someone in a relationship will look forward to spending time with, helping, and doing things for their loved one. They’ll feel pleasure at spending time with that person, pleasure at helping them, pleasure at doing things with them. These emotional responses are a result of the reward circuit as it interacts with different parts of the brain.

When you take an intoxicating substance, you normally trigger the production of those same chemicals. Alcohol, methamphetamine, prescription pain pills, heroin, etc., all trigger dopamine and serotonin production alongside other neurotransmitters and hormones like GABBA, and opioids. So, when you consistently abuse a substance, your brain in consistently flooded with “artificial” dopamine and serotonin. Eventually, as a coping mechanism and to reduce damage to nerve endings, the brain produces less of those substances on its own. This increases tolerance, so the person has to take more of the substance to get the same effect, but it also affects how that person feels when they’re clean and sober. For example, they may have trouble feeling emotions as deeply, they may feel apathetic, they may simply not care. Or, they may care, but it might be difficult for them to prioritize that because their brain simply isn’t producing the chemicals it needs to for them to do that.

Essentially, the chemical tolerance induced by one results in reduced production and uptake of the hormones you need to feel good about and to invest in people you love. The longer your loved one abuses substances, the less they are physically capable of being the person in love with you. That doesn’t’ mean they don’t care, it just means they don’t get the physical sensation and reward that they used to. That often results in people drawing back, in people acting differently or coldly towards you, and in people prioritizing other things – like substance abuse.

Seeking Behavior and Addictions

Another important consideration is that substance use disorders are characterized by seeking behaviors. If someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have a pathological disorder where rational decision-making is often replaced by the need to consume. Their choice to take and use drugs and alcohol is not a rationed out and measured decision like, say, buying a house or a new car. Instead, it’s a reflexive reaction that they do not think about, that they simply do. Like flinching away when something flies at your face, jumping back when you drop a knife, or reacting with pain slightly before you grab something you know is hot – it’s a reaction you simply cannot help. What does that mean for you? It does not matter how much you sit down with your partner and discuss things with them. It does not matter if you ask them to quit. It does not matter if they try to quit and succeed for a few days. The seeking behavior and using are reflexive behavior. They automatically respond and use without thinking about it.

Dealing with that kind of learned behavior is difficult to impossible without professional help. In fact, you likely shouldn’t try to “fix” someone on your own. You can’t. Instead, that’s how you cause personal trauma, that’s how you become codependent, and that’s how you end up realizing you’ve spent years of your life on someone who isn’t physically capable of investing the same into you.

Angrylove

Thank you!! It was comforting to read this, will be hard to get my mind to remember this as I drift into thoughts of what we lost but so true. Every cell in my body aches for his love, to be there for him. It is just mind boggling how much a person can change and next to impossible to stop the guilt feeling and wanting to reach out and “help”, beg, do SOMETHING. For me to try to change myself to make him better. Being someone who does not drink a drop makes this just so hard to understand. I am a smoker so I try to relate that, as I simply cannot quit until I am ready and nothing he could say would ever make me quit, I might say I would but I would sneak them when he was not aware. Stupid analogy but definately the only way I can relate, which scares me to death as I could only imagine the struggle

trailmix

Something that can help you when you are drifting through those thoughts is to have a list handy, hard copy or on your phone, of the reasons why you two are not together, refer to it 20 times a day if needed to start. This helps your brain steer away from the "ideal" thoughts of "if" - if he got sober, if he wasn't so angry, if he would just listen to reason.

- Spends 70-100 dollars some days at the bar
- Gets enraged
- Gets angry and takes it out on me
- Didn't tell me he had an accident
- Hides his phone as if he has something to hide
- No empathy
- Is a poor example for our child and not a good Father
- I just get no love back, not one ounce
- Never apologizes
- Rolled our truck and got a DUI
- Walked out on us

etc etc

This will help. We don't like to dwell on the negatives of a person, which is probably a good thing overall! But in situations such as this, it's not good to paint the situation with an unrealistic brush.

Eventually, you are going to get angry, hold on to that feeling for a while, that will help propel you out of this.

The truth is this is a damaging situation for your child (when you have an alcoholic in the house) and damaging for you too.

This is codependency at its worst and is not a good option, ever. You can't help him. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

It will hurt, it will take time to heal. You are going to be ok.

Spinner-007

When an addict quits a relationship, as absolutely painful it can be, its the next best thing that can happen to the other person.

While discussing the end of my marriage with my ex-AW with a friend, I realized that loved ones of addicts are in an addiction of their own. As the addict who acknowledges they have a problem but still continues the relationship with their drug of choice, we do no different with the addict that's in our lives. The things we feel/believe are reasons we use or justify to stay with them are the things that keeps us in that cycle of destruction with the unrepentant addict.

It's what the addict does with their DOC.

While you may feel a sense of maddening indignation of being the one that's been 'rejected', please remember that the addicts in our lives rejected us long before they actually physically depart from us. Even though I had my ex physically removed from our home, it did nothing to diminish the realization that she traded me and our 4 kids for pills and booze so many times for so many years before it happened.

She was just merely a squatter in our midst.

Unsure if this helps, and I am truly sorry you(and all of us!) had to have a reason to find us here, but just know you are truly in a good place, surrounded by many who have walked this path you are on...

Angrylove

Thank you all for your great advice! The grief has briefly subsided but I am full of confusion and doubt, lots of regret for early on when the trouble was early. I have been reading a lot about forgiveness and am trying to wrap my head around how I will ever be able to do that. We are still just beginning to separate our assets but it is so impersonal and business like. No emotion, no regret, NOTHING. That is hurtful too, as I have so many feelings, but it probably does make it easier. It just feels like I or our son never meant anything. I wrote him a letter but I think I will just burn it, probably nothing in there that would matter to him anyway

trailmix

You're probably right, it sounds like emotion isn't playing big in his life right now (not unusual in this circumstance).

Even if you had interceded early on, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, you know? He chose his path.

Forgiveness can be overrated. It's a good idea to let it all "go", but that's a process. He did what he did, that's history and it's a fact. Forgiving someone is really more about letting it go - for you, not saying anything they did was "ok".

Angrylove

Yes, let it go! I guess on the forgiveness side I mean more forgive myself, which does not make sense I know but it took two to fall apart to this extent. So there is a sense of guilt and unknowing that I need to forgive myself in the sense that it was inevitable, release that guilt, release the doubts and second guessing. I left a simple text to him that I heard online. I’m sorry (because I am, I am sorry it ended up as it did), I love you (because I do), forgive me (as I pushed away in avoidance 5 years ago) and thank you… because we had 5 great years. I also said I love myself and him enough to let this go. This did make me feel better, because not saying anything is just not who I am. For me, I would try like hell to fix us for our child, but when the other is not willing then all hope is simply lost. Because I am snoopy, his browser history was “how to get six pack abs”… I laughed until I cried, literally. For him to be concerned with something so vain is simply ridiculous when he is leaving me and a son who has never really had a dad who ever went out of his way to enjoy him. He did come to church this morning as our son was singing, he abstained from the communion wind but maybe that’s because the blower in his car. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, with the exception of work it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. So my next question is, any self help videos or books that are recommended? I read the codependent book but besides it mirroring myself, I didn’t get a ton of forward steps from it. It has been months since I read it, so maybe I need to read again as things are different again. I am looking forward to the time when I am healing and contribute to others posts, but I am simply not there yet!

Bekindalways

Hey Angrylove, so so sorry you are going through this. It has been decades for me but I still remember that psychedelic glow in the dark pain. It sucks beyond sucks.

My qualifier got into meth. Leaving him remains one of the most difficult things I have ever done. If I got into bed at night and hadn't called him nor shot myself, I called it a win. Yes, it was that bad.

The best resource I ever found on grieving was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an old book and a quick read and I found it super comforting. I have found that most self help books analyze the grief and the whys and where-fors where as the How to Survive book crawls right down in the hole and ugly cries in tandem with you.

Let us know how you get on. Just surviving right now is enough.

Angrylove

Well, it’s only been days and things will surely change especially when his things leave, but I came to the realization yesterday that we had each cashed out of this years ago; I then decided to write down what I would miss and could ONLY come up with familiarity and financial stability… that’s IT! He had not said I love you in a year, he had no compassion, no humor, no sympathy. I feel so much better because that stupid list!!! And all of you of course. I know all these feelings are fleeting and hope my brain is not rushing through this, but I feel like my eyes were opened. Maybe all the tears from the last 5 years were shed grieving this exact end. Who knows

trailmix

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. Keep your lists handy, don't think it's silly to keep referring to them, just remember you need to remind yourself when you do and that's ok.

I think we all come to things when we do. Sometimes we just have an epiphany about something, like you did. I did once with a bad relationship. I was struggling and one night in an instant, I was looking at the text as he was typing it and talking to my Sister on the phone at the same time and she was saying (probably for the hundredth time) - he's not - whatever, can't remember. In that moment it was like a veil being lifted, I saw everything he said differently. So I was probably making my way there, over days or weeks, but in that moment it all changed.

Didn't mean I wasn't still unhappy for a while, but shortly afterward I cut off all contact and not that long after that (a few months), I was out having fun, genuine, I don't care what he thinks or what he's doing - fun.

So you are healing, it can be up and down, but the fact that you can really see him as he is now, it's so much in your favour.

Bekindalways

Things will indeed get better AL. It just takes time which can be frustrating.

Leting go and forgiving sounds like a great thing to do but we humans don't get to choose this stuff. It happens with time. A monk once told me that the first step to forgiving was admitting you weren't ready to forgive. I always like this.

Angrylove

Well all his things are gone, I feel surprisingly well but my son is so sad. I had a brief talk about him leaving and he simply feels that the last 5 years were such he’ll that there is no reason to stay. I still feel s**t on to put it bluntly. I have prayed for 5 years for him to quit, and now he leaves. His outpatient treatment starts in a week, which he still does not feel there is a problem. I told him he is a shell of the man I knew and that somewhere in there is the man I respected and loved. He simply disagrees and says he has changed. I am still just pissed he gave up but I also feel that deep down I have hope he will wake up one morning and realize he wants to try for us and our son. I feel like I need to let that go but I don’t know how one releases that hope. Maybe that is why I am not curled up on the floor.

trailmix

Maybe. You will come to all of this in your own time. Maybe now is not the time you want to deal with it. It can be overwhelming.

He is going to outpatient but doesn't think there is a problem - that's a problem! Of course he says he has changed because he actually has changed. One of the things mentioned in the post onegoodegg made above:

As alcoholism progresses and the person drinks more and more, this becomes more and more true (generally). If you got no joy from anything, or some sub-standard small bit of joy, why would you seek that out?

For instance, while he may once have had deep feelings of love for you and your child, joy just seeing you, now the ONLY thing that really lights up his brain is alcohol, everything pales by comparison. You will often hear alcoholics say they are "bored" - because everything (pretty much) is boring without alcohol.

It takes time and healing (and sobriety) to start to heal that, if the person isn't committed to that longer term healing, the chances for sobriety would seem to be really diminished.

Angrylove

Trailmix thank you from the bottom of my heart. Reading these posts gives me comfort. He didn’t show up for his sons wrestling practice tonight and I am not going to reach out further with pictures or information. I laid my heart on the table and he knows that I didn’t want this, it drives me nutty what he could be doing more important than watching his child. It’s going to be a long “cold” winter I am afraid. I will continue to pray and see what the next day brings. Most of the gut punches of leaving and seeing empty spaces are over so hopefully this low will pass. Now it will just be the disappointment of a child. When he explained what was happening to his son he said our house just didn’t feel like home anymore (that’s what my son told me), so he has been asking me why constantly. I simply told him that this is our home and daddy just needs to get some things figured out in his head. I just don’t know how to respond anymore

trailmix

What a thoughtless thing to say to a child (in my opinion) but then again, that's the headspace he is in.

I don't know how old your child is, but an age appropriate conversation about alcoholism might be a good thing. Right now, as things stand, he knows Dad is not ok in his head, but not why or what changed or anything he can comfort himself with, as in - it's not him (your Son) or your home per-se.

I know there are books for smaller children about why Daddy drinks, etc - I'm sure there is something for every age group. I think that would be worth looking at. Kids can deal better (I think) with the known. They have big imaginations so the unknown can cause fear (and perhaps self blame).

Bekindalways

AL, it sure sounds like you are right about where anyone could expect you to be as you go through this nightmare. Also, as you are finding out, an individual doesn't just decide to "let go". Humans don't work that way as much as we ourselves or someone else might want us to have this ability to just automatically change at the drop of a hat.

So many relational truths fall by the wayside when dealing with an addict or codependency. Your description of your hope that he will one day want to again try to rekindle the family is completely appropriate for where you are right now. When I was in your position, I would occasionally get into a mindset of pure denial about the end of the relationship. I knew it was denial but it gave me a bit of respite from the pain and for that I was infinitely grateful for the denial. Since then I have become a bit of a fan of the usually maligned human tendency of denial.

Please take an internet hug from this anonymous stranger and keep getting through the days. It will get better but "time takes time".