Husband blaming me
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Husband blaming me
For the last 18 months I believed my husband was dying. Slurred speech, fatigue etc. This culminated eventually in him having a seizure at the beginning of June. One week later after a dry night out I caught him swigging from a bottle of vodka then the penny dropped. He had been secretly drinking possibly for years!
After telling him I will support him and stay with him (together 23 years) he left 3 weeks later saying I've controlled him all our life and hes never been happy. We have 3 well mannered balanced happy kids and everyone who has heard we split can't believe it as they thought we were the happiest couple they knew and adored each other. He then tried to hurt himself although i think it was more of a cry for help.
He has now not spoken to me for over 4 weeks apart from one nasty message saying its all my fault and he doesn't love me. Even saying that to the children.
My heart is absolutely breaking at the lies and injustice of it all. His family won't speak to me. His sister was my friend for over 30 years, and he makes no contact to see the children. His sister does it.
im really at a loss. Ive spoken to councellors and an alcohol expert also ive been to Al-anon but I just cant get this feeling out of my stomach I do know it will take a while.
His family are also letting him drink (only 2 a day although I know that means more than likely).
Any advice?
After telling him I will support him and stay with him (together 23 years) he left 3 weeks later saying I've controlled him all our life and hes never been happy. We have 3 well mannered balanced happy kids and everyone who has heard we split can't believe it as they thought we were the happiest couple they knew and adored each other. He then tried to hurt himself although i think it was more of a cry for help.
He has now not spoken to me for over 4 weeks apart from one nasty message saying its all my fault and he doesn't love me. Even saying that to the children.
My heart is absolutely breaking at the lies and injustice of it all. His family won't speak to me. His sister was my friend for over 30 years, and he makes no contact to see the children. His sister does it.
im really at a loss. Ive spoken to councellors and an alcohol expert also ive been to Al-anon but I just cant get this feeling out of my stomach I do know it will take a while.
His family are also letting him drink (only 2 a day although I know that means more than likely).
Any advice?
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Location: Henderson NV
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I’m so sorry to hear you are going though this! I wish I had words of wisdom. I’m embarking on my sober journey 26 days today and I am also married to an alcoholic (who doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic) prior to our marriage I hadn’t drinked in two years I honestly didn’t think at the time that his drinking would affect me as I felt untouchable and sadly I let complacency sink in. Now that I’m embarking on my sober journey (10 years later) my husband hasn’t supported me at all. I’ve come to the realization that I can no longer be with someone that drinks, which sadly has only added on to my struggle. If me giving up alcohol also means that I have to give up on my marriage then that’s what I’m gonna do! I told my husband today that he is my biggest trigger and unfortunately I can no longer be married to someone who drinks. With that being said I do not underestimate my husband! once before he did quit drinking for about six months after I had threatened to divorce him. then sadly my stepson was murdered (his first born) and after that my only goal was to drink every day! it’s tough! not clear from the post if you have a drinking issue yourself or if it’s just your husband but in my case we like to drink and party together. Maybe just give him space! Good luck my friend as I mention I wish that I had some words of wisdom!
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Heartbroken......welcome to the forum. I can understand that you are heartbroken as you have suffered a shock and a loss.
It is not your fault that he is/has been drinking. He is drinking because that is how he handles his emotions. That is his choice and has nothing to do with you.
If he is and has been so unhappy with you---it was his responsibility to bring up the subject, before now, and attempt to deal with it or leave the relationship, even.
Sounds, to me, suspiciously, like he is using that as an excuse to defend his drinking.
It is very, very common for alcoholics to blame others or circumstances for their drinking. They would never want to take any responsibility, as that would mean that they would have to stop drinking. No alcoholic Wants to stop drinking.....lol.....
I am curous----what advice did the alcoholic expert and the counselors give you?
It is not your fault that he is/has been drinking. He is drinking because that is how he handles his emotions. That is his choice and has nothing to do with you.
If he is and has been so unhappy with you---it was his responsibility to bring up the subject, before now, and attempt to deal with it or leave the relationship, even.
Sounds, to me, suspiciously, like he is using that as an excuse to defend his drinking.
It is very, very common for alcoholics to blame others or circumstances for their drinking. They would never want to take any responsibility, as that would mean that they would have to stop drinking. No alcoholic Wants to stop drinking.....lol.....
I am curous----what advice did the alcoholic expert and the counselors give you?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken31 
im really at a loss. Ive spoken to councellors and an alcohol expert also ive been to Al-anon but I just cant get this feeling out of my stomach I do know it will take a while.
His family are also letting him drink (only 2 a day although I know that means more than likely).
Any advice?
His family are also letting him drink (only 2 a day although I know that means more than likely).
Any advice?
You're right, they aren't "letting" him drink at all, they see two drinks, there are probably 10 or 15. They can't control his alcoholism. If it were that simple there would be very few alcoholics!
As dandylion mentioned, it's very common for the alcoholic to blame the spouse:
I'd be OK if it weren't for you
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
I would also be interested to know what the counselors told you.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Councellors and Al-anon. Pretty much told me the same thing. Not my fault.. noone can make someone else drink etc. I know tgat and have refused from day one to accept his blame. That I won't do. I do drink yes.. Weekends, partys etc.. both of us were drinkers... ill leave it at the door though.. lm now starting to row with my adult son. He knows its not my fault but wont vent his anger on his Dad... i get it all.
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Heartbroken........it seems that, over time, the truth and realities of a situation, such as this, eventually, seeps to the top. I have seen families where long buried "secrets" came out, after many years,in spite of everyone trying to keep everything under the rug.
It sounds like your husband must be living with his family, at this time....? If so, I predict that it is only a matter of time until they get a more full picture of him.
It is one thing to view some thing from the outside of it----and very different when you have it under your own roof!
God only knows what stories he may be telling them.
Not always, but, most of the time it seems that "blood is thicker than water", and most families tend to side with their own relative.
From my own personal experience, and what I have generally observed, when a relationship or marriage comes to an end---invariably, some inlaws and "friends" go to the wayside. One of the hard realities of this life. And, one of the hard things to traverse---it can feel like as much of a loss as the relationship, itself. I know that it has been for me.
I can imagine how raw the feelings must be as your adult son is lashing out toward you. Can you elaborate more on that situation and what it is like?
This is not an uncommon subject that comes up on this forum. Tha anger of the children is often directed toward the more sober parent......
I am curious, are you the only one who noticed his slurred words and exhaustion? As well as an alcohol withdrawal seizure. I have worked in neurology, in the past, and neurologists/doctors are pretty quick to diagnose a alcohol withdrawal seizure (if the person was evaluated by a doctor).
Heartbroken, it is still early days, and we have a saying around here, that "more will be revealed".
It sounds like your husband must be living with his family, at this time....? If so, I predict that it is only a matter of time until they get a more full picture of him.
It is one thing to view some thing from the outside of it----and very different when you have it under your own roof!
God only knows what stories he may be telling them.
Not always, but, most of the time it seems that "blood is thicker than water", and most families tend to side with their own relative.
From my own personal experience, and what I have generally observed, when a relationship or marriage comes to an end---invariably, some inlaws and "friends" go to the wayside. One of the hard realities of this life. And, one of the hard things to traverse---it can feel like as much of a loss as the relationship, itself. I know that it has been for me.
I can imagine how raw the feelings must be as your adult son is lashing out toward you. Can you elaborate more on that situation and what it is like?
This is not an uncommon subject that comes up on this forum. Tha anger of the children is often directed toward the more sober parent......
I am curious, are you the only one who noticed his slurred words and exhaustion? As well as an alcohol withdrawal seizure. I have worked in neurology, in the past, and neurologists/doctors are pretty quick to diagnose a alcohol withdrawal seizure (if the person was evaluated by a doctor).
Heartbroken, it is still early days, and we have a saying around here, that "more will be revealed".
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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I can't even begin to imagine what a horrible shock this is for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.
As hard as it might be to believe, it's the alcohol which is talking. It is not YOU. If he has been secretly drinking for as long as he has his brain has been slowly pickling over the years and will twist everything and anything to protect the drinking. I can only speak from my own experience but don't take it to heart that any of this is a reflection on you.
Get as much support as you can, and remember the 3 Cs from AlAnon. Again I am so sorry this has happened
As hard as it might be to believe, it's the alcohol which is talking. It is not YOU. If he has been secretly drinking for as long as he has his brain has been slowly pickling over the years and will twist everything and anything to protect the drinking. I can only speak from my own experience but don't take it to heart that any of this is a reflection on you.
Get as much support as you can, and remember the 3 Cs from AlAnon. Again I am so sorry this has happened
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My son was really just to get me to look after myself. Which I am trying to do but failing miserably.. hes a good lad tbh. The seiziure was diagnosed as antidepressant withdrawal as in the hospital when we were asked alcohol wasnt mentioned - he lied. I didnt know! Others noticed his slurred words but shortly after the seizure so I put it down to that as i again. I didnt know i missed all the red flags unfortunatley. He us staying with family lying about me even told out eldest that 'your mother drove me to drink' the children dont want to take sides which is absolutely fine but they know im the one left and looking after their everyday needs. My husband was the most lovely, kind gentle man and I miss who he was
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Heartbroken........well, I am glad to hear that the kids are not trying to take sides. It is understandable that they might want you to take care of yourself. They are still young---late teenagers?----and, they do not have enough life experience to fully understand that you will need a time of grieving and healing from such a major loss.
Any of the persons who believe him, when he says that "you drove him to drink" are just wallowing in a large sea of Ignorance. Total ignorance about alcoholism. Unfortunately, most of what is believed about alcoholism, by the general public is simply garbage.
Of course, it is totally understandable that you miss him when he behaved differently. Accepting the reality that that person is gone, is really hard. That will be a part of your grieving process.
He was dealing with a different brain, back then. Over the years, the alcohol changes the brain---both chemically and structurally.
You are experiencing a lot---lot---of major life changes, right now. In order to navigate through this time, you need to have a "heads up" that you will have to do a lot of changing within your self.
We humans don't like change, very much----even though life is always in a process of change, to one degree or another.
I hope that you have resources for support around you, as this is just too hard to go it alone. You need people who understand. I hope that you will continue with alanon, even if you don't like it at first...lol.
Keep reading and studying----there is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
In the end, you will emerge much stronger for it.
Any of the persons who believe him, when he says that "you drove him to drink" are just wallowing in a large sea of Ignorance. Total ignorance about alcoholism. Unfortunately, most of what is believed about alcoholism, by the general public is simply garbage.
Of course, it is totally understandable that you miss him when he behaved differently. Accepting the reality that that person is gone, is really hard. That will be a part of your grieving process.
He was dealing with a different brain, back then. Over the years, the alcohol changes the brain---both chemically and structurally.
You are experiencing a lot---lot---of major life changes, right now. In order to navigate through this time, you need to have a "heads up" that you will have to do a lot of changing within your self.
We humans don't like change, very much----even though life is always in a process of change, to one degree or another.
I hope that you have resources for support around you, as this is just too hard to go it alone. You need people who understand. I hope that you will continue with alanon, even if you don't like it at first...lol.
Keep reading and studying----there is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
In the end, you will emerge much stronger for it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
Heartbroken, sorry that you are going through this all too common situation. I am very glad you are not buying into the nonsense that it is your fault. It is truly twisted, altered thinking. I do wonder how long they, my XAH included, had been thinking in a twisted way and just trying to look and act in a somewhat normal way as long as possible (with off and on using).
I feel like the disease just finally comes to a head and their lying, blaming, sick thinking can't be contained anymore. Try to do as much for yourself as you can, I do not believe anything you say or do with effect him. They are being sickened by a disease. Any disease destroys a person to some degree...this one takes them down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually- it is their battle. Like many of us, so hard to watch these changes but we do understand!
I feel like the disease just finally comes to a head and their lying, blaming, sick thinking can't be contained anymore. Try to do as much for yourself as you can, I do not believe anything you say or do with effect him. They are being sickened by a disease. Any disease destroys a person to some degree...this one takes them down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually- it is their battle. Like many of us, so hard to watch these changes but we do understand!
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Thank you for all your messages you basically tild me what i already knew. Im in so much pain. He was my world and as much as I know i would be in for a harder life with him I would welcome him with open arms. He still wont speak to me though so i guess hes made his mind up..
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken31
Thank you for all your messages you basically tild me what i already knew. Im in so much pain. He was my world and as much as I know i would be in for a harder life with him I would welcome him with open arms. He still wont speak to me though so i guess hes made his mind up..
There is usually a lot of shame, self loathing, guilt, that goes along with being an alcoholic and I suspect that's even harder hitting when you have been doing that in secret. As un-logical as it sounds, to him, you probably are the problem. He had a "good thing" going with his secret drinking, maintaining what he considered (probably) to be his "normal" life and you blew that apart by discovering his drinking.
I don't know what your reaction was, probably something like, you need help! That's a normal reaction. It also puts you in enemy territory (again, even though that isn't really logical to non-alcoholics).
I totally understand that if he came back you would welcome him, however, even if he were to come back now, things wouldn't be the same. You know about his drinking, The gig is up. So he would have to face his alcoholism. He's obviously not prepared to do that.
It's a tough road, you will heal over time but it will probably take some time. Never forget he has been hiding this from you, lying basically. Allowing you to think he has some illness, worrying about him, it's pretty deceitful. I'm not trying to make him out to be some "bad guy" but it's important to see the reality rather than his "potential" or what you thought him to be (not who he really is).
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Yes he has lied about more than just the drinking. Im switching from he's not coming back to needing him back to make everything ok. I reacted with anger if im honest. The lies. I then calmed down and said i would help him and stay as he's my husband. I came home from work and I knew hed been drinking. I then asked him to tell his parents as I/we needed help. From what Ive learned since i realise this was probably the catalist to him going as he took it like a threat. Non of his family have believed me and ye has even told his children he isnt stopping drinking as he doesnt need to. Drinking in secret seems a pretty obvious flag to me. I asked him to put it out in the open. Sit down and enjoy a Beer rather than swig from a bottle. Im not sure what help he is getting as noone will tell me. I believe hes on antideppressants after trying to hirt himself which i think came in a brief moment of clarity that he had walked out on his family. I understand he is ill with now mental health problems as well but cutting me out is heartbreaking. If he didnt love me he could've done things amicably. I really believe he does though as the week before we had 3 nights out on our own and had a lovely time and the look in his eyes as i left for work the morning on the day he left. I think something just snapped in him.
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This is the part where learning about alcoholism (for you) will help you. He doesn't want a beer after work, he wants 12 beers after work with a vodka shot thrown in. What you are asking of him is impossible to him (to his mind) or at the very least, not what he wants.
You have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't (that can sound harsh, not meant that way at all - just some insight). This will also sound harsh, again, not meant that way. He may love you, he probably does - but he loves alcohol more.
His mental health, as he has been drinking for, probably, many years, may have been what he has been using the alcohol for. Many, many people self-medicate with alcohol. Anxiety, depression etc etc. They drink, it makes them feel a bit better and able to function better, so they keep doing it. At some point people cross the line between drinking to problem drinking and then the line of alcoholism. There is no turning back from that. He is addicted and he will have that addiction forever. To get in to recovery he would need to stop drinking completely (forever). So no one or two beers after work, once he starts, he can't and doesn't want to stop.
What may have started as a few drinks to ease anxiety and depression has now become the biggest problem, overshadowing all of that and probably contributing to it as well.
Alcoholism is progressive.
You have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't (that can sound harsh, not meant that way at all - just some insight). This will also sound harsh, again, not meant that way. He may love you, he probably does - but he loves alcohol more.
His mental health, as he has been drinking for, probably, many years, may have been what he has been using the alcohol for. Many, many people self-medicate with alcohol. Anxiety, depression etc etc. They drink, it makes them feel a bit better and able to function better, so they keep doing it. At some point people cross the line between drinking to problem drinking and then the line of alcoholism. There is no turning back from that. He is addicted and he will have that addiction forever. To get in to recovery he would need to stop drinking completely (forever). So no one or two beers after work, once he starts, he can't and doesn't want to stop.
What may have started as a few drinks to ease anxiety and depression has now become the biggest problem, overshadowing all of that and probably contributing to it as well.
Alcoholism is progressive.
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I was just thinking, you might relate in some ways to Kaya's threads/story:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...of-doesnt.html (If anyone thinks that it gets better time... I am proof it doesn't)
This was her first post about her Husband that left.
You can follow anyone's prior threads by clicking on their name (in a thread, above their picture) from the drop down choose Public Profile and from there the Statistics tab, you can choose their threads from there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...of-doesnt.html (If anyone thinks that it gets better time... I am proof it doesn't)
This was her first post about her Husband that left.
You can follow anyone's prior threads by clicking on their name (in a thread, above their picture) from the drop down choose Public Profile and from there the Statistics tab, you can choose their threads from there.
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Heartbroken...do you really, truly, believe that having him come back will "make everything o.k?
I, too, wish that we could push a button on the Time Machine and go back in time. I have found out, however that life doesn't work like that.....lol.
What I have discovered, is, that, in life----from birth to death, we only go in one direction-----forward. We do get to make changes, as we move forward. but , we don't get exact Mulligans (do overs), like in golf.
I, too, wish that we could push a button on the Time Machine and go back in time. I have found out, however that life doesn't work like that.....lol.
What I have discovered, is, that, in life----from birth to death, we only go in one direction-----forward. We do get to make changes, as we move forward. but , we don't get exact Mulligans (do overs), like in golf.
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Ive had a great day today. Taking the kids shopping. Planned a couple of days away and felt really positive. The boys went to see him wither their grandma (one adult son) and they couldn't wake him. 6 cans and a couple of empty spirit bottles on the table. Now on his way to hospital. I cant message to see hes okay as then ill be that bitch they are accusing me of but if i dont then im that person too..
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken31
Ive had a great day today. Taking the kids shopping. Planned a couple of days away and felt really positive. The boys went to see him wither their grandma (one adult son) and they couldn't wake him. 6 cans and a couple of empty spirit bottles on the table. Now on his way to hospital. I cant message to see hes okay as then ill be that bitch they are accusing me of but if i dont then im that person too..
As for his situation, no, you can't win there. Someone has to be to "blame", he surely couldn't have become an alcoholic all on his own! It's ok to let them deal with it all, to leave them (and him) to it. That's his side of the road now.
I am sorry your kids had to go through that though, that's upsetting for them. Do they need to be going to see him? Possible to make a boundary that they see him only when he is sober?
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