dandylion

Hb.....well, maybe, now it is a good thing for his family sees a fuller picture of him.

I suggest that you do what YOU want---those people are living in their own bubble of ignorance---stop trying to please them, or even expect that they will ever give you a break.
You know what you know---and, be damned with them. He is living under their wings now.

Heartbroken31

The kids have good heads on their shoulders and the last few times he has seen them he has been sober as far as I know. Its only been a few hours a week and supervised. Im hoping this migt he when ye sees a little sense or gets help. But who knows..

trailmix

Maybe, maybe not. But again, that's his side of the street.

If you lower your expectations about him you will be a lot more centered/peaceful. So for instance, you can maybe have a "general" hope that some day he will get help. But having hope each time he slips and falls is setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you have no expectation of individual outcomes, you can just carry on with your day, you know what I mean. I know it's hard, it takes practice.

Heartbroken31

I feel suprisingly calm about it all in comparison to the last few weeks. Almost like he did me a massive favour when he left. Money will be tight etc. But ill cope..

trailmix

You will, maybe even be surprised at how well you do (even financially). You are well on your way HB. It will be a bit of a rollercoaster at first, days of sadness or anxiety, days of freedom and joy but, eventually, it will even out and it will be good. So if you have a "bad day", remember the calm, it helps.

seekingcalm

Dear Heartbroken,
I just want to say that I am sorry for what brings you as well, but you have found a wonderful support and resource here.
There is no doubt your husband loves you, he just doesn't love himself enough right now. Alcoholism left untreated does turn our loved ones into people we no longer recognize and I know the heartbreak of that. Many have said to me that my higher power is looking out for me in keeping my alcoholic loved one away right now. I have learned over the years that I don't always know what is best, and sometimes when the thing I most fear happens...better things come as a result.
My wish for you is peace and calm for yourself and your children. One day at a time no matter what else is going on. It's a good goal. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

Heartbroken31

After the kids not being able to wake him on Tuesday I took them off to the seaside for a couple of days. It was a little wierd not having him there, but we managed to have fun. I took the littlest two to see a comedian last night and we are going to a festival today. They are looking after me as much as in looking after them but we have laughed this week which is good. My son said yesterday that 'I guess now this is how I have to expect my Dad to be which broke my heart' and the other obe was upset he hadn't asked to see them on their birthday. I just reassured them that i will always be around and eventually it will all be good if not better.
He still hasn't been in contact and all hisabelongings are still here. He wpuldnt want to speak to me at the minute though. Not being able to muster up enough strength to see his children for a few hours ssemed to be the tipping point for me.
I'll mourn the man he was. This shell of a man can stay away (for now ha ha, im only human).

Heartbroken31

Having a mini mealt down today. Its our teins birthday tomorrow (13) and im worrying about making it nice for them we have things planned and I balloons etc for them but im going to have to fake a smile.
Husband still hasn't been in contact me 7 weeks tomorrow. But I have from friends that he has gotten worse ajd family is starting to rwaluse the extent of the problem but that I am still getting blamed and I can see from bank accounts that he is going to various shops that sell alcohol.
I've been looking through old messages, I know im torturing myself but it helps to remember we were really happy until the day he left. Also not a single person apart from his family that knew us believes it.
I just dont understand!!

trailmix

It is hard to wrap your head around. The thing is, you don't really know what goes on in his head.

We can apply how WE think to other people (and in particular alcoholics) but if you really look at the facts, they aren't thinking like us (that's a broad generalization about alcoholics, but you know what I mean).

If you look at the flipside, would you ever get fall down drunk in front of your kids? Would you drink so much you had to go to the hospital (when your kids are there too). Would you walk out on your family?

I'm sure the answer to those things are no, but he did. So you should perhaps stay away from applying "normal" thinking to him, because his thinking is not like yours and what he was showing you may not have been what was going on in his head at all. In fact I think you can say that's true at this point. What he was showing you in your "happy" relationship was not what was going on in his head. So trying to find out how that all blew up is as simple, really, as realizing he wasn't really there, or only half there, he was lying. He was with his first love - alcohol.

It is more important to him than you, than your children, than your marriage, than his parents and other family and even more important than himself.

When you look at those old messages, remember, he is only just holding it together.

You know, it doesn't really matter that his family blames you, that might be handy for them. It is also hard for friends to wrap their head around, it's hard for you, for others that don't come close to knowing him as well, it seems impossible. You know what you know and that's a fact.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

It's going to take you a while to get through this. Your fake smile at the birthday party will be just fine!

Until you accept that he is in no shape to come back to you, certainly anytime soon (and that is actually a good thing for your children, even if you don't think it's good for you) you will suffer. Lowering your expectation of him, realizing his thinking is not "normal" will help a lot. Should he ever decide to seek treatment for his alcoholism (and he may choose not to), it may take years for him to get in to true recovery.

trailmix

trailmix

Sorry if that picture is offensive to anyone, I should have hidden it in an alert, in hindsight.

MyGirlGracie

Trailmix...I have studied that photo many times in the past; it still causes me to shake my head with incredulity.

Noelaus3

Agree it’s a confronting picture but also very important. There are big chunks of their brain missing literally and normal rules of cognition do not apply.

velma929

I don't know how many people thought we had a great marriage.

I know that after AH died, I was in an email exchange with a friend in recovery. I wrote, "I don't know if you knew this, but ____ was an alcoholic." Yes, as a recovering addict, he had known for a long time.

dandylion

In my experience, nobody ever knows for sure if a marriage is happy or not----sometimes, not even the people who are in it...LOL...
When I told my husband that I was going to see a lawyer and filing to divorce him----he said to me "That is ridiculous---I am perfectly happy in this marriage".
Actually, I had been unhappy for quite some time.

When those people who had known us as a couple for a long time---they shared with me that they were aware that he didn't treat me very well.
When I asked them why they didn't say anything----they said that I had never said that I was unhappy, so they thought that I was happy, so they didn't want to "interfere"

Heartbroken31

I get it, I grt his brain is different and may have been for some time. Only his family believes that he wasnt though. Everyone else.. allot of people, just can't believe it! We were incredibly happy alcohol or not Dates, staying up chatting, holidays. We always have been and 23 years can't have been a lie. My childrens childhoods can't have heen a lie. Its hard to velieve he could lie for soooo long without a single person suspecting something was wrong. Its so hard!!

velma929

Delve into lives of the famous, and you will find similar dichotomies.

Many of us were taught that Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. He didn't. He did make numerous contributions to science and manufacturing. Along the way, he refused to pay an engineer who had worked for him for months (Named Tesla, maybe you've heard of the man?). He insisted direct current would electrify the nation, (that's what he and that engineer disagreed on) and tried to discredit and badmouth his competitor's idea (alternating current) and ruin the reputation of the man promoting it (George Westinghouse).

He was brilliant. He was not always a nice person. Humans are complicated.

Eauchiche

Dear Heartbroken
I apologize for being late to the game here. I am so sorry for your situation, but happy for you that you and your children are on the road to recovery.
I have almost 8-1/2 years sober from alcohol. My recovery program is through AlAnon. In my case, I drank from being codependent. I know this sounds strange, but I would make friendships with toxic people and get myself in toxic situations, then drink to relieve the stress.
I remember my own life slowly declining. I lost a business, then lost a house, then a 14 year relationship. To outsiders, I might have looked successful. I'm sure most of them didn't know how much I drank, unless they phoned after 4 pm. In all three cases of loss, it was a slow decline, then things suddenly went over a cliff.

We are here for you.

dandylion

HeartBroken....I am going to go out on a limb here.....just spitballing......... I am wondering if you were the one doing all of the initiating....the managing and directing.....and, he went along to get along. Being very "cooperative". Meanwhile, he was drinking (secretively) to deal with certain inner feelings.
Sure, you might have, well, been happy, with a husband that was co-operative and didn't voice or share his inner feelings.
After years---drinking can catch up with a person and they begin to show symptoms.
You shared that, for 18 months, he was slurring words, fatigued and even had a withdrawl seizure----and, you assumed that he was just "dying".

We can't always know what is completely going on in another person's mind. We can only go by what they show us.
In your case you may have Assumed two things that were not completely true.
1. You assumed that he was happy, throughout----which can't have been COMPLETELY true. No person who has slipped into alcoholism to the point that he did is a completely happy person. Alcoholics suffer, inside.
2. You assumed that he was dying---and, we can see that wasn't true , either.

Yes, you share that you were very happy-----but, that doesn't mean that he was also.
Sure, he might have enjoyed some things that you two did----especially, if you were adept at running and managing the domestic nest and your social activities----especially, considering that he had the alcohol to manage any negative feelings.
But, after a few decades of drinking---the alcoholism raises it's ugly head---and, things come apart at the seams.

***As a side note---it is very frequent that men are not good at sharing their feelings----as we tend, as a culture, to teach our young boys to deny many of their emotions.***

Again.....I am just spitballing, here, as I have seen many situations, in relationships, where this scenario has happened. It is not that unusual.

I recognize what a shock this has come to you. I know that it has pulled the rug out from under you....and it is requiring a great load of adjustment on your part. I know that itis likely tobe hard for you for quite a while.
You WILL survive and you will be able to go forward and find happiness, again.

trailmix

Yes, you don't know what was going on in his mind all that time. Secret drinking is not a sign of a happy person. What you saw and experienced and what he saw and experienced are two different things. This can cause cognitive dissonance for you, for sure. You saw one thing and it's not as it was, hard to wrap your head around.

Now this may not be 100% true, hard to say. He may have had times of utter happiness, maybe even most times, but at this time he sees it as all negative. He wants to drink, he has been unable to drink the way he wants to because he knows you wouldn't agree to that.

Alcoholism is progressive. The way he drinks (and thinks) now may not be how he drank 5 years ago or even a year ago. What is the breaking point for him, where he doesn't want to control it anymore, where it becomes too difficult, where he feels he is letting everyone down and doesn't want people questioning him about it and him having to restrict his drinking.

Therefore, to his mind, you are the problem! He couldn't ever be fully happy pretending to be someone he is not, he is a drinker. Now, again, that probably doesn't make a great deal of sense. Coming from an alcoholic though, it makes absolute sense.