LovelyKaya33333

I had to take a few deep breaths to write this. Shame and embarrassment are the reasons... My exAH left me last night. He felt that we fought too much...we did. All the fights stemmed from alcohol. ALL of them. When he was sober we wouldn't argue at all. We got in a huge fight Saturday where we talked about possibly not being together anymore. He tends to antagonize me when he is drinking... Here is where is takes the cake for me though. His kids live in Tennessee and we live in California. He had an ugly divorce with his ex wife that ended in unfaithfulness on her part and her taking the kids while he was at work and moving across the country to be with her boyfriend that she had an affair with. Long story short it has been incredibly difficult and challenging throughout our marriage. I could go into the drama that all caused living with and alcoholic and having that trying time but I will spare you the details because I am sure you all know that blame game, jeykl and hyde, back and forth that active addiction brings. We had the kids out here this last month for the summer and he even had a full 10 days without drinking. We went to the gym together in that time and I was feeling hopeful. Then he started drinking again. He always does irrational things on these binges but this is more than I ever expected. After our fight on Saturday we seemed to be ok. Slept in the same bed ect. But yesterday he went frisbee golfing with the kids and came home with boxes. I was like wait wait are you really moving out. He said yes. Then as I watched him pack I noticed he was only taking his clothes so I said...Are you moving to Tennessee... (where his ex wife lives) and he said yes. That is why I never got the kids plane tickets back... !!!!! He went into a sob story about how he realized he needs to live in the same state with them... at an emotional level I get that but we have been living together for 7 years!!! married for over 4 years. So my conclusion is that he created arguments and fights over this last month to somehow justify leaving me. You know the usually gas lighting...saying he wasn't drinking.....I find hidden bottles... say "Hey I thought we weren't drinking" he says for me to stop controlling him... you know that story I am sure... So anyhow after he tells me I go into our bedroom and I am balling. He knocks on the door an hour later and says... "So we are just going to leave tonight"!!! He already had packed up the van and had the kids in it... I said you aren't even going to give me a day to process all this... and he said well you are so emotional it is making it awkward that you are crying!!! How heartless can one man be? So he left... my whole life left..my step kids that I have helped raise for 7 years and him vanished in an hour... and he made it seem like it was my fault.... There is obviously so much pain here but here is the shame.... I was googling looking for answers and I came across this forum and it looked so familar so I typed the name of it in my email search bar and what do you know ... in 2016 I was on here everyday trying to get answers and away from him...he was only my BF then... So I started reading my stories from almost 6 years ago.....I am so embarassed .... and having a hard time with the fact that I pushed through my gut instinct and married him and here I am 6 years later writing the same painful story ...Hopefully it helps someone. Today I am just in shock and hurting more than I thought possible.

velma929

I am so sorry for what brings you here.

Saying "It gets better" doesn't and never did mean that the alcoholic gets well and there's a fairy-tale ending. I'd guess that a majority of the time, he or she doesn't. It means if we stay in our own lane, and accept the person for who they are, we have more energy to invest in our own lives and our own happiness.

No reason to be embarrassed. We are the products of our upbringing, we do the best we can with the information we have at the moment. Fortunately we can assimilate our experiences and learn not to make the same mistakes over and over.

On another forum, a woman found out via FEDEX that her bf had dumped her. A friend of mine suggested counseling to her husband, but he wouldn't do any of the exercises the counselor suggested. When she asked why, he said he knew he wanted a divorce, he thought the counseling would help her accept it better. There's all kinds of jerks in the world.

Of course you're in shock and hurting. If it's any consolation, your husband probably didn't mean to hurt you, but was just too immature to handle this any other way.

We're here to shepherd you along a path to healing, if you want to stick around.

Cookie314

Wow Kaya, what a horrible thing to do to someone, especially a partner, I'm so sorry. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have no control over his actions. Knowing someone is using abusive techniques against you (such as the gaslighting, or turning the situation around to make it sound as if you're the unreasonable one, etc) doesn't always make them easier to deal with.

(I know I'm gonna word this horribly, but I'll try my best to explain.) Something I read about grief said "it is as bad as you think, don't let anyone tell you differently." The loss and pain your feeling is real, to have him dismiss that is manipulative sh*t. The love and connections you felt with him and your step children were real, and grief over losing that so suddenly in such a way is a completely reasonable reaction.

As for pushing down your gut feelings, everyone here, and probably everywhere else, has done that. There were clearly aspects of your relationship you loved, enjoyed, and treasured. It's easy to look back on your past decisions, knowing the outcome, and feel like they were wrong/stupid, but that's not being fair to yourself. You made the choices you did with the information you had at the time. If you really had feelings at the time you ignored, then it can be a chance to learn more about trusting your gut, but punishing and shaming yourself won't help you at all.

Definitely take the time to reach out to your support network, and take care of yourself. It's OK to learn from your past, but don't rake yourself over the coals. You'll heal with time.

HardLessons

LK

Extremely painful relationships with our addicts will go on for as long as we allow it. Regardless of how these relationships end, it is all very difficult. So I understand how you feel now.

I detached from my addict back in June of 2017. First half of 2017 was a not so good time for us. We were arguing often. The type of arguments which went on for hours. She has a daughter which I had become very attached too. Back in June of 2017 I just stopped talking to her (my addict) and she stopped talking to me. Days turned into weeks - weeks became months & so on. To this day we never said to each other its over or even said the words good bye. From the start our relationship was always highly charged & emotional. However, we ended relatively quietly. Im not sure how I got through it all - but I did. Although it was not easy, I survived.

I stayed in my relationship way too long. I stayed in way after I knew I had to get out. Back then, even though I was living in a total constant circus mess with her, It was hard for me to even think about leaving her or her daughter. To even think it let alone actually do it.

Please dont feel any shame for where you are now. It just is what it is. We have all been there to some degree or other. I know I have.

Maybe good will come from him leaving. Although it sucks now it does get easier with time.

dandylion

Kaya......Skimming through all of your past threads....and, based on past patterns....don't be surprised if he doesn't come crawling around, again, within the next months.
Coming around with those sweet words that he Knows will melt your heart.

Do you remember the older drunk guy with the drinking cup that you and your therapist met while doing yoga in the park, several years ago? Do you remember what you said and what you thought at that time?
Might be a good idea to remember that, again. There is a "message" there.

I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through. There is a very important Universal Truth----that when we give of ourselves, there is no guarantee that we will get a return in kind.

OKRunner

Kaya, thank you for sharing your story. I just wanted to write to recognize your pain and also to thank you for posting. I too did not trust my gut and I too ended up being hurt pretty badly. Velma said, "we do the best we can with the information we have at the moment. Fortunately we can assimilate our experiences and learn not to make the same mistakes over and over." Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed for not trusting my gut (which told me to leave the first time a bizarre drinking incident occurred instead of jumping right back in), I have given myself grace. I had never experienced this type of person before -- a person with alcohol use disorder -- so now I know and I will not make the same mistakes again. So there is that.

Velma also said, "If it's any consolation, your husband probably didn't mean to hurt you, but was just too immature to handle this any other way." I tell myself this a lot. Mine never really said goodbye. Never explained why he wouldn't talk to me again. The real communication just went ... silent. Sure he has drunk texted me since then, but the sober communication just went dead. I just tell myself he was too immature to handle it any other way. That he didn't mean to hurt me. I hope you tell yourself the same thing.

HardLessons, you said, "Back in June 2017 I just stopped talking to her and she stopped talking to me." That's kind of what happened in my case. I guess we both went no contact (with the exception of a few drunk texts from him). I've always been one of those persons who, even when something doesn't work out (say at work, or with a contractor, or with a student, or with a neighbor) -- I am polite, professional, I meet with the person, explain my side, listen to their side, and vow to learn going forward and then we end the issue or leave on good, real terms. It's just hard for me to process (still) the fact that two adults (we are in our 40s) who loved each other can just ... stop talking? I pray his was due to emotional immaturity. Mine was a deliberate intent to go no contact to preserve my sanity and prevent my heart from breaking into a million different (additional) pieces. But it's not really what I wanted to do. It's just what I had to do so I could function the next day and not be further hurt.

DandyLion, thank you for reminding me of the universal truth. I think I gave so much but also expected so much. Maybe I can be more careful about to whom I give my attentions in the future. And also lower my expectations. Or, I guess, not have any expectations at all. All hard stuff for me to learn.

Bekindalways

Ah Kaya, I can imagine that this has wrecked you. Please just keep getting through the days the best you can. Double down on your self-care.

Please also listen to what Dandylion said about the probability of him returning. This is very likely. And you are right in saying it won't get better with time. Usually it gets worse.

Also no shame in that you stayed. Most of us did stay longer than we should have. It is why we are here.

trailmix

I'm sorry Kaya that you have been through all this, I'm sure it's a real shock and very hurtful.

I read a few of your earlier posts and really, how he has behaved it's pretty much in his nature. The jekyll -hyde, the off again - very much on again drinking. If he had stayed, none of this was ever going to change, I hope you really let that sink in because that kind of relationship is damaging to you, when you are really invested.

For instance you mention he quit for a few days and you all got on well, went to the gym etc, then he started drinking again. He only did that, of course, so the kids would see him sober. He actually has no intention of quitting right now (maybe never).

So although he has acted like a complete ass, ask yourself, is that the partner you want in life? Is he trustworthy (including with your feelings)? Do you really want that rollercoaster? Did you ever?

You deserve more than this. Living with a person who always (always) puts alcohol before you and before your relationship is very hurtful to you. Never think he has wandered off to some happier life, he's still with himself. He has just gone somewhere to drink.

Nd819

LK, I am so sorry. What an absolute kick in the gut. No shame, I'm sure we have all ignored a multitude of red flags to bring us here, I know I have. Thank you for taking the time to share your story.

Sueby

I'm so sorry you're going through this, allow yourself to feel and grieve and you'll get through this. Although I KNOW it doesn't feel like it right now, I remember those days and how unending they seemed. I've ignored red flags that were smacking me dead in the face.

I second that he will try contacting you again. It's just what they do and I'm sure that his 'new' life won't lead to any measure of sobriety. His relocation just moves his alcoholism somewhere else, it doesn't mean he will sober up and be someone different. Same man, different geographical location.

HardLessons

Ok Runner

I spent years talking to her. We talked a lot. By the time June 2017 came around there honestly wasnt anything left for me to say or do. I had said & done it all countless times previously I had endured way more than enough. I had to get out & I did. She is very controlling type person. This wasnt the first time I had stopped talking to her. On her end it was punishment as to why she stopped talking to me. She punished me for not talking to her. She thought when I didnt hear from her I would panic and come running back. This time she thought wrong. There was nothing left for me to try and reason out with her. She was not changing anything ever. I had to let go of her.

Its not what I wanted to do concerning her. As I think back it was never about what I wanted. It was all about me being swept away by her choices and what she wanted. It was never about me.

To date I saw her once back in summer 2018. We have also talked over the years here & there. The last time we spoke was January 2020. Havent heard from her since. I can honestly tell you that post June 2017 none of it was good. Nothing good came from any of it.

Im sorry your heart was broken into a million pieces. I unfortunately know that feeling all to well. So I feel for you in that regard.