Parent of AD in detox

Old 08-15-2022, 08:15 AM
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Parent of AD in detox

My daughter is just finishing the detox part of her rehab program. It is also her 21st birthday today.
She is insisting that she doesn't want to stay for rehab and that I need to pick her up, etc.
That part has pretty much been going on since she got there. I keep telling her that no one will pick her up until she is dome with treatment. Her father has been paying for her phone service which he shut off when she went in. Her car is registered and insured under my name. I took it off the road when she went in. I told her when she is finished with her program she can find a job and get these services for herself. She is welcome to stay with me after she finishes the program in order to find a job and get back on her feet.
She was in a toxic, abusive relationship with an alcoholic and addict who was, and even though they're "broken up", continued to use her (financially, emotionally, for rides, etc). She is so wound up in it she can't see it. I'm most afraid of their reconnecting more than anything. She is a smart and caring person and would see this in a friend and try to help but can't see it for herself right now.
I am so scared and frustrated and confused. Constantly worrying that I'm doing and saying all the wrong things. I'm trying to stay strong and create and maintain boundaries. But my mama heart just wants to scoop her up.
Anyone else go through this? How did you do it?
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Old 08-15-2022, 09:22 AM
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WO.......I have been through it with an alcoholic son----and, looking back, I enabled him more than I even realized----because, a that time, I didn't realize what seemed like a compassionate helping help/support was the very thing that hobbled him.
Later---much later---I ended up apologizing to him for enabling him out of my ignorance and

I suggest another way for you to start thinking about it----Think of your parent responsibility is to prepare her to be able to "fly" on her own, and learn adult responsibility.
Of course, this is a steep learning curve for both you and her, and it is not easy---especially, at first!
But, just keep reminding yourself that she IS Capable of it----as long as you get out of her way and don't put any soft pillows under her behind when you feel sorry for her.

One thing that I strongly suggest that you consider-----Do not let her return to your house to live after rehab. I know that might sound cold and contrary to what you both might feel as your comfort zones.
Believe me, it won't stay comfort zone for very long! I have seen this situation a gazillion times---and, went through it myself.
Her dependent behavior and your enabling inclinations will return soon after you both are under the same roof.
What I suggest is that you contact her case worker at the rehab facility and let it be known that you are unwilling for her to come home to live after rehab---but, instead, go to a sober living house. (you can google sober living houses).
(I used to own a sober living house).
Living in a sober living house---she can get passes to visit you for short periods of time.
I believe that this is the best way for you to build a healthy relationship with your daughter---while putting her adult responsibilities on her own shoulders.
****Another silver lining to the sober living house, is that it would put the kibosh on her connection to the toxic boyfriend, and his reliance on her!
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Old 08-15-2022, 09:41 AM
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Perhaps also along with not providing things for her (car, insurance, housing, vehicle) and letting her arrange and pay for these things as an independent 21 year old, focus on the relationship part -- as an independent 21 year old, her relationship with you is changing also. Maybe find a few hours each week (or how many feel comfortable to you and her) to connect as mother - daughter: go for a walk or hike, go have coffee, browse a bookstore, walk through the farmers market, whatever is of mutual interest where the focus can be connecting and bonding (and not necessarily buying things or problem solving).
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Old 08-15-2022, 12:37 PM
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Hi WOI, I feel for what you are going through. My daughter is 29 now and an addict. She's never completed a rehab but has begun methadone maintenance several months ago. Her bf/soon to be father of her child is an alcoholic. I recently posted that he was in a terrible DWI accident and is now going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair due to his poor choices. You are doing all the right things IMO, don't let her leave that rehab until she completes the program, detox is not enough. If you can be strong enough to do what DL suggested and make her go to sober living, it probably is for the best, I couldn't do it and I still have her living with me at 29 and will soon be having my grandson as well. Its for the best to make them stand on their own, but I just have a hard time with that part of it. Hang tough, don't enable by paying for all her stuff, I can't/won't pay for her car at all. What's the saying don't do for them what they can/should be doing for themselves? Go to Alanon if you can, it really does help with our co-dependency. Keep strong and let her know you will support her recovery, but not her addiction. Let us know if we can help further.
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Old 08-15-2022, 01:09 PM
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WO........I believe that elissa has given you some good advice by sharing her experience with you.

The one thing that I would add to that, as a suggestion is---when you have an opportunity, is to encourage her to see a gynecologist or a woman's clinic for counseling and an opportunity to receive some long-term type of birth control. Even accompany her there, if she is willing. So often, the mother ends up raising the grandchildren from unwise choices by the children.
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Old 08-18-2022, 04:32 PM
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She stayed!

Thank you everyone for your support and advice!

I've been sticking to my boundaries. Monday was tough. She did call and threatened to fill out her AMA paperwork. I stood my ground and the next day I heard from the center that she was settling in on the rehab wing. I heard nothing yesterday. (insert nail-biting). But I did not call. I let her settle in.
This afternoon she called and was a whole new person. She likes the other girls in her group, and is going to group and women's support. And they had a Q & A with alumni of the program. She sounded more like her old self and was appreciative of the journal and coloring book I sent for her birthday.
I am NOT, however, wearing rose-colored glasses.
Just enjoyed hearing my girl's voice without the crying and threats and everything. A little respite.
I know she has a long journey ahead and I am prepared to stay strong.

@dandylion thank you for the suggestion of looking into a sober house. My cousin's son stayed in one and thrived.
Also, she does have long-term birth control implants. We talked about that a long time ago.

@elissa Thanks for sharing your story. I love the saying "don't do for them what they can/should be doing for themselves". I have gone to Alanon in the past because of my ex's alcoholism. And I return to the lessons learned there frequently. Thanks for the reminder. I'm going to go look for my old Alanon books.

@sage1969 thank you for the suggestions for spending time together. Tonight before she hung up the phone she asked for a movie recommendation. So we'll be watching "together" from afar tonight.

Again thanks so much! I was feeling so lost and hearing from you all has helped immensely.
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Old 08-19-2022, 10:40 AM
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WO.......I am very relieved to hear the favorable news. Especially, the long term That takes at least, one big worry off your mind.
I sure do hope that the sober house takes on a life of it's own. From my own experience----it is sooo much easier to love them when they live in different residences.
That might sound counter-intuitive----but, it is just a fact, as far as I can see.
I once knew a psychologist who was a long recovering alcoholic---like 5-6 years. He actually worked with troubled teens for the child protective agency. He told me that an addict will never be in recovery as long as they live in their parent's house.
That piece of information has always stuck in my mind. It it has always appeared to be right.
It seems that the developmental struggle between deoendence/independence is a dynamic that is sooo complicated and intense----and, just a hard for the parent as the child!

Again, from my own experience, things can seem to go well as long as life is comfortable and rosy for them-----but, the hard---hardest----part for you will be when you have/need to tell her "no" about something that she wants. That is when all of the *ell breaks loose---and the anger and criticism and blame and threats are hurled at you.
I suggest that you prepare yourself for that. That is when holding the boundaries is essential. As a parent, I know how hard that is!!

I truly hope that she forms some strong bonds with her woman's support group. That is very powerful. One of the most powerful dynamics of AA, in my opinion.

I have a suggestion---if you are of a mind to consider it. I suggest that you make a point of conveying to her case worker, at the rehab, that you are against her coming back to your house after rehab----that she needs to seek other housing----like a sober house or some other location.
The rehab is obligated to come up with a discharge plan, with her.
If you don't make it known that you are unwilling for her to come directly to your house, and she tells them that she is going to come live with you----they are likey to take the path of least resistance and discharge her to your care.
Remember, their greatest loyalty is to HER----not you. You will have to be firm and take care of your own interests.
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Old 08-25-2022, 05:42 PM
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Hello Working,

Well, yes, my stepson is an alcoholic and addict. If you would like to read more of that story, you can visit a thread I started just for the parents, grandparents, step-parents of alcoholics and addicts. (For the parents...daily support thread)

I'm very happy to hear that your daughter stayed at the Rehab facility. I hope she holds onto recovery with both hands. This is just the first step to a lifelong battle. I know this is hard, but you are doing the right thing for her in the long run by not rescuing her when she asks to be picked up.

Hang in there, Mama!
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