I think my dad has wet brain!
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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I think my dad has wet brain!
My father is 64 years old and has been a hardcore alcoholic for over 40 years now. He has been in and out of detox in the past 12 years, over 50 times now. I have been told by numerous doctors that he is a hopeless case. Surprisingly his liver is perfectly fine and he has no serious health problems, besides COPD and some heart issues. But I am almost 100% certain he has wet brain. He matches pretty much all the symptoms yet can’t stay sober long enough for me to make an appointment and get him into a doctor. When he has gone to detox I have mentioned the possible wet brain but they just give him benzos and send him home high and of course when that high wears off he starts drinking. I don’t know what to do. He lives alone right now but we are getting ready to sell his home so we can get a big enough home to live with and take care of him, seeing as I have 2 kids and his current home is too small. So for now, he is alone and it scares me because he can’t take care of himself. I have to order him food to be delivered every single day because he doesn’t even buy himself food. I am so worried. I cry every single time I get off the phone with him because it’s breaking my heart. I have given up hope he will ever be sober but I need medical intervention and possibly a diagnosis but I do not know what to do. Thanks so much!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi BG, sorry to hear that your Father isn't doing very well.
If he won't get help though, there really isn't much you can do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Since you will be living in the same house with him, with your children, I hope there will be a division in the house? For your sanity as well as the kids.
There are treatments, of course, if he's willing to participate. One avenue might be to go and speak to your own Doctor about the situation and see what they might suggest in terms of supplementation. It's worth a shot and they might give you some ideas.
I hope he will accept your help (but don't be too disappointed if he doesn't). I know it's very stressful for you. If it is what you suspect and he is unwilling to get treatment, he will probably need to live in some kind of care facility don't you think? Maybe that's something you could broach with him as well?
I have been in a somewhat similar situation. My Father was an alcoholic and although he had no signs of Wernicke-Korsakoff, he lived alone and was getting on in years. He asked if myself and my then husband would move in with him and when he - moved on, we could just keep the house.
I said no.
If he won't get help though, there really isn't much you can do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Since you will be living in the same house with him, with your children, I hope there will be a division in the house? For your sanity as well as the kids.
There are treatments, of course, if he's willing to participate. One avenue might be to go and speak to your own Doctor about the situation and see what they might suggest in terms of supplementation. It's worth a shot and they might give you some ideas.
I hope he will accept your help (but don't be too disappointed if he doesn't). I know it's very stressful for you. If it is what you suspect and he is unwilling to get treatment, he will probably need to live in some kind of care facility don't you think? Maybe that's something you could broach with him as well?
I have been in a somewhat similar situation. My Father was an alcoholic and although he had no signs of Wernicke-Korsakoff, he lived alone and was getting on in years. He asked if myself and my then husband would move in with him and when he - moved on, we could just keep the house.
I said no.
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Thanks for your response!! When we purchase a new home it is for the purpose of him having his own little apartment, which we just can’t do in his current home and it’s why we can’t move in there because I do not want to be super enclosed with him and have my children exposed too much to the severity of his alcoholism. Because my husband and I do not drink whatsoever so my kids have never been truly exposed to it.
Also, I know I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I have finally accepted that my father will probably die from alcoholism. But I refuse to ever give up on him and just wash my hands of him. And that’s because growing up, although he did drink, he was a wonderful father and provided for his family…in fact, he was my hero when I was a kid. He only went down hill in the past 12 or so years, to the point of basically being an invalid when he drinks. When he has had moments of sobriety he is completely different, although very “on edge” because of the obvious brain and nerve damage caused by the alcohol, yet when he drinks, he’s an invalid and I’m not exaggerating either. The most tragic part for me is the fact that somewhere deep inside he wishes he could be sober because he’s put himself into detoxes and rehabs over 50 times, trying to beat it…and he recently told me that he can’t and more than likely won’t ever beat it. He also told me that if he does die it won’t be my fault because I’ve done everything I can, it’ll be his own fault. I just fear, if it is wet brain, he’s going to get worse and worse because he’s really starting to show the signs more and more but i do not want to put him in a home, unless it becomes medically necessary…I do not want him to die alone in a care facility or in his current home. I am just so heartbroken because I love my father so much and to see the grip this drug has on him is tragic and is truly one of the most horrific things I’ve ever witnessed. I know I can’t break the grip but I, at the least, want to try and make the rest of the time he does have on this earth, not so miserable, like he is now because he’s all alone. Maybe what I want isn’t even possible but I have to at least try.
Also, I know I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I have finally accepted that my father will probably die from alcoholism. But I refuse to ever give up on him and just wash my hands of him. And that’s because growing up, although he did drink, he was a wonderful father and provided for his family…in fact, he was my hero when I was a kid. He only went down hill in the past 12 or so years, to the point of basically being an invalid when he drinks. When he has had moments of sobriety he is completely different, although very “on edge” because of the obvious brain and nerve damage caused by the alcohol, yet when he drinks, he’s an invalid and I’m not exaggerating either. The most tragic part for me is the fact that somewhere deep inside he wishes he could be sober because he’s put himself into detoxes and rehabs over 50 times, trying to beat it…and he recently told me that he can’t and more than likely won’t ever beat it. He also told me that if he does die it won’t be my fault because I’ve done everything I can, it’ll be his own fault. I just fear, if it is wet brain, he’s going to get worse and worse because he’s really starting to show the signs more and more but i do not want to put him in a home, unless it becomes medically necessary…I do not want him to die alone in a care facility or in his current home. I am just so heartbroken because I love my father so much and to see the grip this drug has on him is tragic and is truly one of the most horrific things I’ve ever witnessed. I know I can’t break the grip but I, at the least, want to try and make the rest of the time he does have on this earth, not so miserable, like he is now because he’s all alone. Maybe what I want isn’t even possible but I have to at least try.
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But also, I am tired. I am depressed. I cry every single day now, multiple times a day. I am sick of watching someone I love, who probably doesn’t love me the same way, commit a slow suicide. And I am tired of being so, I don’t know, loyal… If you guys only knew this entire story, like I said the last 12 years, and what he has put me through because of his alcoholism, you would wonder why I don’t give up on him completely. I just can’t. Sometimes I wish I could.
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Sadly, besides my brother whom I do not speak to often, my father is the only living family member that I have left. I think that also may be why I am holding on so tight because once he is gone, besides my husband and children of course, I won’t have anyone left. In the past 4 years I’ve lost 5 of my family members. It has been tough for me but I know I have to be strong not just for myself but for my children. I truly do not wish this on anyone. And I will say this, if anything good has come from my father’s illness, it’s that I can say without a doubt that I will never drink alcohol and put my kids through this nightmare. So maybe some good has come from the bad.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Maybe you should talk to your brother?
Maybe he can help in some way that he is willing to, I think it might help you feel so not alone in this. I know you are watching out for yourself and kids first, as you should but doing some things for your Dad might be ok. Have you met with his doctor or therapist (if he has one)?
Maybe he can help in some way that he is willing to, I think it might help you feel so not alone in this. I know you are watching out for yourself and kids first, as you should but doing some things for your Dad might be ok. Have you met with his doctor or therapist (if he has one)?
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I write my brother texts almost daily about our dad. He doesn’t care. He will call our dad and speak with him and acts like everything is normal when it’s not. He is also a severe alcoholic, sadly. I have talked to several therapists, at least the ones when he’s gone to detox, because once he’s out and he takes one sip, it’s over…he becomes an invalid. Yet they haven’t helped in any way. I even begged them to stop sending him home high on benzos and let him have a good period of true sobriety but they never listen. And recently my brother told him they deliver alcohol so my father doesn’t even have to leave the house to get the booze anymore!! Which sickens me but might be safer. But he doesn’t shop for food or anything so I have it all delivered to him. And I have meals delivered, like from restaurants, every single day so I know he’s eating them because he doesn’t have to cook them, which is costing a lot. That’s why I’m hoping we can get his home sold and with my money and his we can find a decent sized home and he can live with us and I can care for him. I’m just so afraid something bad is going to happen before this happens. He calls me 30 plus times a day and repeats the same things over and over and when I try talking, it’s like he doesn’t hear me unless I scream and get his attention that way. Which also, living with him will help a lot with the incessant calling, as well. Like I said, I love my father so much. Years ago, his wife(my stepmom) was dying of Parkinson’s and we took her in because he couldn’t take care of her and we became her caretakers until she passed away, we also let him stay with us during this time. It’s been a lot and I’m so tired. But love is strong and I can’t just let go. I just want to be able to give him some quality of life, even though I know he won’t be sober, at least he won’t be alone.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm sorry for what brings you here.
I'm wondering if you've considered an assisted living, where he has some semblance of home, his own space and furniture and belongings, but assistance with meals and people who check in with him if he needs help?
I cared for my grandmother at home, granted she was not an alcoholic, and it was really tough. It got to the point when someone was needed to stay with her 24 hours a day, so despite wanting to keep her care with family only, we had to hire someone anyway, and unfortunately, she had some medical conditions develop that simply could not be cared for at home.
It's possible that with as advanced as your father's alcoholism is, even if he could live in his own apartment now, it might not be very long before he needs assistance around the clock. Is buying property specifically for him to live nearby the best thing for you and your family? Is it the best thing for your father? Are you legally responsible for him? If not, what does he want? Because it does come down to the three Cs, and if he does not want to stop drinking, this new living arrangement may not be what he wants, and it may be very destructive to all of you.
I'm wondering if you've considered an assisted living, where he has some semblance of home, his own space and furniture and belongings, but assistance with meals and people who check in with him if he needs help?
I cared for my grandmother at home, granted she was not an alcoholic, and it was really tough. It got to the point when someone was needed to stay with her 24 hours a day, so despite wanting to keep her care with family only, we had to hire someone anyway, and unfortunately, she had some medical conditions develop that simply could not be cared for at home.
It's possible that with as advanced as your father's alcoholism is, even if he could live in his own apartment now, it might not be very long before he needs assistance around the clock. Is buying property specifically for him to live nearby the best thing for you and your family? Is it the best thing for your father? Are you legally responsible for him? If not, what does he want? Because it does come down to the three Cs, and if he does not want to stop drinking, this new living arrangement may not be what he wants, and it may be very destructive to all of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Bunny.......I have a suggestion, if you are of a mind to take it.......
Many families do face these same kind of issues with aging family members who are no longer able to care for themselves----even when they aren' even alcoholics!
There are geriatric social workers who have a specialization in dealing with these kinds of family issues.
There is also the "Counsel on Aging" which offers lots of services for in-home help for aging seniors who have health needs.....they are very helpful people.
Assuming that you live in hr U S----every county, in every state, has programs for the aging. I suggest that you contact the social services department of your own county, that he.lives in. You can google the local county government and find the numbers to conact the social workers. Make an appointment and have a socil worker assiiigned to the case.
The geriatric social workers will know of all of the help and services that are available----and can support and counsel and guide you through this situation with your father.
They will know of w ays to help that you may not even know about.
And, just as importantly, they can give you the emotional support that you are going to, so badly, need.
ayou are look ing to become a total care-taker, according to your plan. Total caretaking is very stressful and exhausting for the care-taker---as you seem to be finding out.
Often, the care-taker, themselves bedcome sick from the overwhelming responsibilities.
This is why it is sooio important to seek out all of the help that is availale----because help IS available..
Many families do face these same kind of issues with aging family members who are no longer able to care for themselves----even when they aren' even alcoholics!
There are geriatric social workers who have a specialization in dealing with these kinds of family issues.
There is also the "Counsel on Aging" which offers lots of services for in-home help for aging seniors who have health needs.....they are very helpful people.
Assuming that you live in hr U S----every county, in every state, has programs for the aging. I suggest that you contact the social services department of your own county, that he.lives in. You can google the local county government and find the numbers to conact the social workers. Make an appointment and have a socil worker assiiigned to the case.
The geriatric social workers will know of all of the help and services that are available----and can support and counsel and guide you through this situation with your father.
They will know of w ays to help that you may not even know about.
And, just as importantly, they can give you the emotional support that you are going to, so badly, need.
ayou are look ing to become a total care-taker, according to your plan. Total caretaking is very stressful and exhausting for the care-taker---as you seem to be finding out.
Often, the care-taker, themselves bedcome sick from the overwhelming responsibilities.
This is why it is sooio important to seek out all of the help that is availale----because help IS available..
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hello Bunny
When I was still nursing, I and others, cared for a gentleman with Korsokoffs. It was extremely difficult as his whole cognitive function was scrambled. He didn't know who he was, where he was, or recognise his adult kids when they visited him. He was a health and safety risk as he would light cigarettes whilst in bed, turned night into day. Falling constantly, hallucinating etc.He was extremely volatile, and became aggressive if the wind changed direction.
You don't know how your father will be the further he progresses.
I would suggest to have a proper diagnosis done, and arm yourself with knowledge of the condition - it is extremely difficult to deal with.
Even though you plan for your father to have his own apartment within your home, you, your husband and your kids, will still be exposed to any issues.
I truly understand your love for him, but this may be a very unsafe situation for your dad and your family. He would possibly be best in a care home, where he will have round the clock care.
More recently- my own father, who abused alcohol, developed vascular dementia. My stepmum cared for him at home, and it was hellish. His personal care deteriorated, as he wouldn't allow her to clean him. He didn't know how to put socks on - didn't know what they were. He rarely slept, which meant my stepmum didn't sleep. He was also aggressive towards her, shoving her if ahe said something he didnt like. He was smoking and leaving the lit butts on the table, on a few occasions they fell on the sofa - it was awful. I got social services in to reassess him, and they agreed completely that he needed to be in a care environment, to keep him and others safe.
Please think of the big picture. I know how hard it is.
Much Love
Bute x
When I was still nursing, I and others, cared for a gentleman with Korsokoffs. It was extremely difficult as his whole cognitive function was scrambled. He didn't know who he was, where he was, or recognise his adult kids when they visited him. He was a health and safety risk as he would light cigarettes whilst in bed, turned night into day. Falling constantly, hallucinating etc.He was extremely volatile, and became aggressive if the wind changed direction.
You don't know how your father will be the further he progresses.
I would suggest to have a proper diagnosis done, and arm yourself with knowledge of the condition - it is extremely difficult to deal with.
Even though you plan for your father to have his own apartment within your home, you, your husband and your kids, will still be exposed to any issues.
I truly understand your love for him, but this may be a very unsafe situation for your dad and your family. He would possibly be best in a care home, where he will have round the clock care.
More recently- my own father, who abused alcohol, developed vascular dementia. My stepmum cared for him at home, and it was hellish. His personal care deteriorated, as he wouldn't allow her to clean him. He didn't know how to put socks on - didn't know what they were. He rarely slept, which meant my stepmum didn't sleep. He was also aggressive towards her, shoving her if ahe said something he didnt like. He was smoking and leaving the lit butts on the table, on a few occasions they fell on the sofa - it was awful. I got social services in to reassess him, and they agreed completely that he needed to be in a care environment, to keep him and others safe.
Please think of the big picture. I know how hard it is.
Much Love
Bute x
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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I truly do appreciate everyone’s input and I am definitely going to take it to heart!! But I must say this would not be my first time being a caretaker. Like I stated above, my father’s wife(my stepmom) developed Parkinson’s and he couldn’t take care of her, so my husband and I became her sole caretakers for over a year until her death. Now it was a completely different situation because she was not an alcoholic, but she had to be cared for 24/7, we put her hospital bed in our living room and cared for her until the very day she passed away. So I do know how to be a caretaker but I’ve been doing it now for the past 12 years in one way or another and I am very tired. And also, my stepmom was a tiny woman and I could lift her easily, unlike if my father became totally disabled because he’s a large man and there is no way I could physically lift him/etc.
He is not at the point of going to home and that’s just a fact, he is still somewhat sharp and being an intelligent man if he speaks to doctors and others he can “fool” them, if you understand what I mean. Also, when he does have moments of sobriety he is totally fine, minus the nervous ticks from the damage of long term alcoholism. So I do know if he does have wet brain, it’s in the beginning stages, which is why I truly want a diagnosis so he can possibly get treatment via injections, even if he can’t quit the drinking. And heck, it might be what scares him into finally stopping because he’s terrified of developing wet brain…he was a nurse for 35 years and worked with psychiatric and then trauma patients, so he knows how it goes. Anyways, I do appreciate everyone’s input and I am going to do some serious thinking and also serious praying on this situation. This was a first step for me because I’ve never been open about my father's alcoholism with anyone other than family. So it did help me a lot!! Thank you all!!
He is not at the point of going to home and that’s just a fact, he is still somewhat sharp and being an intelligent man if he speaks to doctors and others he can “fool” them, if you understand what I mean. Also, when he does have moments of sobriety he is totally fine, minus the nervous ticks from the damage of long term alcoholism. So I do know if he does have wet brain, it’s in the beginning stages, which is why I truly want a diagnosis so he can possibly get treatment via injections, even if he can’t quit the drinking. And heck, it might be what scares him into finally stopping because he’s terrified of developing wet brain…he was a nurse for 35 years and worked with psychiatric and then trauma patients, so he knows how it goes. Anyways, I do appreciate everyone’s input and I am going to do some serious thinking and also serious praying on this situation. This was a first step for me because I’ve never been open about my father's alcoholism with anyone other than family. So it did help me a lot!! Thank you all!!
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Also, like one of you mentioned, a caretaker can become sick. I actually am currently going through many health issues myself, i have high blood pressure, hypothyroidism and now they are suspecting something more serious. I have been putting off surgery and going to see my specialist because I am so exhausted from dealing with all of this. And many people have said to me that I have to start focusing on getting my health straightened out, but I’ve been putting it off and it has gotten worse. So I completely see what you are saying because I am dealing with it now.
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Thank you so much!! I truly do appreciate your prayers and I’m a big believer in the power of prayers. And I also truly appreciate everything you guys have said. You have definitely given me more clarity and a lot to think about.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, I think you seem to be well aware of the responsibility you are going to take on and that's a good thing.
I hope you will accept some help. Dandylion shares a lot of wisdom and if nothing else, why not look at what services are available in your area, this can supplement what you will be doing, it will give you a break perhaps.
When my Father got older and needed help, he also stayed in his home. By then he wasn't drinking as he was sick. Where I live there are caregivers (home care) that visit several times a week. He had his meals delivered. He could still get around his accommodation though. There are also services (again, where I live) for seniors that will install things like bars in the shower to hold on to, seating, etc.
So no, if you are willing to take this on and you already know the responsibility, there is no reason not to do it, but again, don't be afraid to ask for help, that's a sign of strength (and you are obviously strong!) and it will also help him.
I hope you will accept some help. Dandylion shares a lot of wisdom and if nothing else, why not look at what services are available in your area, this can supplement what you will be doing, it will give you a break perhaps.
When my Father got older and needed help, he also stayed in his home. By then he wasn't drinking as he was sick. Where I live there are caregivers (home care) that visit several times a week. He had his meals delivered. He could still get around his accommodation though. There are also services (again, where I live) for seniors that will install things like bars in the shower to hold on to, seating, etc.
So no, if you are willing to take this on and you already know the responsibility, there is no reason not to do it, but again, don't be afraid to ask for help, that's a sign of strength (and you are obviously strong!) and it will also help him.
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You are absolutely right!! With my stepmom, that’s exactly what we had!! We had many people come during the week, some who helped her and others who would give us breaks and also helped with resources during that time. I probably could not have done it without that extra help. I had completely forgotten about all those resources until you just mentioned it, so thank you!! In fact, I have remained friends with one of the women who helped me with my stepmom. I might reach out to her and see if she can give me any advice or people whom I can contact. I just can’t put my father in a home, at least not at this point, not saying I would never do it because if it gets too bad I would, not just for me but for his well-being above all.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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You said he is an intelligent guy and seems ok at times when he is sober. Do you have any idea how he would respond to going to detox again?
Tell him you are exhausted and will need outside help (as mentioned by others) if he chooses not to and follow through with it.
I know he has been there before but you never know when it will finally work or maybe a better detox than before. Do any have outpatient programs after a detox where they have to go everyday for meetings/treatment for 6 weeks maybe these days?
Tell him you are exhausted and will need outside help (as mentioned by others) if he chooses not to and follow through with it.
I know he has been there before but you never know when it will finally work or maybe a better detox than before. Do any have outpatient programs after a detox where they have to go everyday for meetings/treatment for 6 weeks maybe these days?
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He puts himself into detox at least twice a month. He’s been to 20 different rehabs. I have never asked him to go to detox or rehab, it has always been his own choice. Which is why I do think deep down he truly wants to quit but he’s just been doing it for so long, over 40 years now, that his brain has been rewired by the alcohol and it’s hard for him to be in the sober mind. In fact, he just got out of detox last week but started drinking 2 days after he left. Which I also think being alone and lonely is contributing to it. If he goes to rehab and stays clean for those 28 days, he can stay sober for at least 4 months but like he says, once he hits 4 months he always stumbles. Once we do buy a home for all of us to live in, which we have started the process of selling his home just today, I think if he goes back to rehab one last time and then comes home to family and not being all alone, he might be successful at it. But I do not have false hopes, I’ve accepted he may never stop. He does not like AA…he’s been in and out of AA since the 1980s and he finds it masochistic he said…makes him want to drink instead of helping him stay sober, which I do see his point. He has done IOP, and that was also one of his longest moments of sobriety, when he did that. So, if you can see, there is something inside of him that desperately wants to quit…but then there’s the other side of him that has an insatiable appetite for alcohol. And that’s why it is so tragic to watch…because I see this battle within his own mind.
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