Me again needing support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Me again needing support
I'm struggling today. I split with my boyfriend who was 19 months sober 3 weeks ago today. He had me allover the place for 18 months. He confused me alot. I never felt secure and never felt he wad truly honest.
He had too many dramas around him regarding women. Particularly his ex. Who claims he was messaging a string of women and cheating on her. He tried to commit suicide in 2020 and text her to say goodbye. She phoned an ambulance. Even though he has alot of bitterness towards her and even resents her for certain things. They have this weird sort of link. They text to check on the other and it at times got too emotional between them. It was like they were taking it in turns to be confused about feelings. She got catty towards me and he allowed her to affect us.
Over time he borrowed loads of money. He promised me the world. He was a worker usually but was out of work when we got together. He went back just before we split.
He has depression
severe chronic back pain. He takes a range of tablets which gave him unpleasant side effects.
hes alone in terms of family and friends. No social life unless he's at work. He doesn't acknowledge Christmas etc because he hates it.
He seemed to be obsessed with clothes and appearance. He would often comment on what he'd prefer on me and sometimes I'd feel upset and tell him I felt he was finding fault in Mt style.
He had these bursts of anger and he would scream and loose his temper. Throw me out. Refuse to listen. Blame me for all our problems.
In the end he was always on his phone. My gut told me he was talking with someone else. I checked and he was messaging his ex saying he was crying over memories. It made my heart sink. A few days later we broke up as he felt uncomfortable with me and I was sick of being patient and being in the dog house.
The relationship made me sad alot. Confused alot. But he filled me with hope and promises. He leant on me alot and at times did very little back. He didn't even get me a birthday card last month as we were in a rocky stage.
he messaged me Friday saying he'd pay me money he owed me on the 4th. That money hasn't arrived. His cousin told him off yesterday for playing games and ignoring me. He has cut him off. So he's now lost the only other family member in touch with him. I feel terrible but so sad.
His games are exhausting me. He's got his passport and large paintings, jewellery and photos etc at my house. He won't communicate with me about it. It's like he won't tie up the ends.
I don't know what to do. I'm close to tears this morning. I love him but it scares me how little he will care for me.
I know I'm moving on and can't go back. But even that scares me for some reason. That those days are gone. I can't handle it today. Please help me.
He had too many dramas around him regarding women. Particularly his ex. Who claims he was messaging a string of women and cheating on her. He tried to commit suicide in 2020 and text her to say goodbye. She phoned an ambulance. Even though he has alot of bitterness towards her and even resents her for certain things. They have this weird sort of link. They text to check on the other and it at times got too emotional between them. It was like they were taking it in turns to be confused about feelings. She got catty towards me and he allowed her to affect us.
Over time he borrowed loads of money. He promised me the world. He was a worker usually but was out of work when we got together. He went back just before we split.
He has depression
severe chronic back pain. He takes a range of tablets which gave him unpleasant side effects.
hes alone in terms of family and friends. No social life unless he's at work. He doesn't acknowledge Christmas etc because he hates it.
He seemed to be obsessed with clothes and appearance. He would often comment on what he'd prefer on me and sometimes I'd feel upset and tell him I felt he was finding fault in Mt style.
He had these bursts of anger and he would scream and loose his temper. Throw me out. Refuse to listen. Blame me for all our problems.
In the end he was always on his phone. My gut told me he was talking with someone else. I checked and he was messaging his ex saying he was crying over memories. It made my heart sink. A few days later we broke up as he felt uncomfortable with me and I was sick of being patient and being in the dog house.
The relationship made me sad alot. Confused alot. But he filled me with hope and promises. He leant on me alot and at times did very little back. He didn't even get me a birthday card last month as we were in a rocky stage.
he messaged me Friday saying he'd pay me money he owed me on the 4th. That money hasn't arrived. His cousin told him off yesterday for playing games and ignoring me. He has cut him off. So he's now lost the only other family member in touch with him. I feel terrible but so sad.
His games are exhausting me. He's got his passport and large paintings, jewellery and photos etc at my house. He won't communicate with me about it. It's like he won't tie up the ends.
I don't know what to do. I'm close to tears this morning. I love him but it scares me how little he will care for me.
I know I'm moving on and can't go back. But even that scares me for some reason. That those days are gone. I can't handle it today. Please help me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hey Strawbz, sorry to read how you are feeling.
Can you step back from all his rubbish and go for a nice, peaceful walk? Maybe in nature. Some deep breathing, maybe some nice music on your phone. Tune all his crap out. Some nice healthy food too.
I hear you and relate, sometimes it gets overwhelming so self care will really help you.
What hobbies and interests do you have? Where do you like going?
Can you step back from all his rubbish and go for a nice, peaceful walk? Maybe in nature. Some deep breathing, maybe some nice music on your phone. Tune all his crap out. Some nice healthy food too.
I hear you and relate, sometimes it gets overwhelming so self care will really help you.
What hobbies and interests do you have? Where do you like going?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
strawbz....PeacefulWater has given you good advice and it will help you if you follow it.
Another thing that will help-------Take a piece of paper and make a list of how you would like for a boyfriend to treat you. Write the list in specific detail. For example-----"doesn't carry on relationships with other women". "shows me that I am important to him". "never criticizes my looks or style" "shows concern for my feelings" "willing to make sacrifices for me" "does not llie to me" "doesn't lean on me for money" "shows responsibility in all of his matters" "remembers me on special occasions". "doesn't break promises that he makes to me" etc...etc...
Carry this list on your person, at all times. Read it over and over---whenever you are remembering him.
You need to really, really believe that you DESERVE to be treated well by a boyfriend---or, anybody, really.
You should not h ave to live on just crumbs and false promises. And, you should not ever be treated as second best. You should be treated as special.
It is good that you are broken up. Now, you can finish grieving----and stop living off of the crumbs that he was offering.
There a lots of good men....who know how to treat a woman right---the way a woman deserves.
you don't need to settle for second best.
Another thing that will help-------Take a piece of paper and make a list of how you would like for a boyfriend to treat you. Write the list in specific detail. For example-----"doesn't carry on relationships with other women". "shows me that I am important to him". "never criticizes my looks or style" "shows concern for my feelings" "willing to make sacrifices for me" "does not llie to me" "doesn't lean on me for money" "shows responsibility in all of his matters" "remembers me on special occasions". "doesn't break promises that he makes to me" etc...etc...
Carry this list on your person, at all times. Read it over and over---whenever you are remembering him.
You need to really, really believe that you DESERVE to be treated well by a boyfriend---or, anybody, really.
You should not h ave to live on just crumbs and false promises. And, you should not ever be treated as second best. You should be treated as special.
It is good that you are broken up. Now, you can finish grieving----and stop living off of the crumbs that he was offering.
There a lots of good men....who know how to treat a woman right---the way a woman deserves.
you don't need to settle for second best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by Strawbz11 
The relationship made me sad alot. Confused alot. But he filled me with hope and promises. He leant on me alot and at times did very little back. He didn't even get me a birthday card last month as we were in a rocky stage.
He filled you with hope and promises. Was any of that through actions or just his words and promises? It's easy to say things (like, I can quit drinking on my own), quite another thing to actually provide the actions that accomplish that.
It doesn't surprise me that he defaults back to his ex. At some point, maybe even before he was so far along in his addiction, they might have had an ok relationship. I have read that alcoholics tend to revert to thoughts of the past at some point. It's not surprising since the present, for them is probably not all that great and the future just looks bleak.
You will be ok, I know it can cause panic - how will you get through. Take good care of yourself, try to rest when you can, get outside, eat well. Deep breathing exercises can help to calm you. Post as often as you feel like it.
Make a list of all the terrible things he has said and done and refer to it whenever you start thinking about what you are missing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Strwbz
In your words, you never felt secure and never felt he was truly honest. As Dandylion said you have been living on crumbs. You deserve so much more.
Weirdly, we do get used to this treatment and it can be strangely compelling - addictive, even. You will need to learn how to live without the roller coaster of emotions. The highs and lows create a drug-like rush that you may crave. At these times, I found it helped to have a plan to distract myself. My list included:
Hiking/walking
Journaling/writing
Organizing
Cooking/Baking/Eating something healthy
Great fiction
Going to a movie/out to tea or coffee with a friend
Alanon meeting
Therapy session
I am sorry for your pain. We are here for you.
In your words, you never felt secure and never felt he was truly honest. As Dandylion said you have been living on crumbs. You deserve so much more.
Weirdly, we do get used to this treatment and it can be strangely compelling - addictive, even. You will need to learn how to live without the roller coaster of emotions. The highs and lows create a drug-like rush that you may crave. At these times, I found it helped to have a plan to distract myself. My list included:
Hiking/walking
Journaling/writing
Organizing
Cooking/Baking/Eating something healthy
Great fiction
Going to a movie/out to tea or coffee with a friend
Alanon meeting
Therapy session
I am sorry for your pain. We are here for you.
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