FWN

Been a while, I popped in last night to read on these forums because everyone's responses are always so comforting to me. This forum has changed my life in such wonderful ways and I'm so thankful for it's existence. Even just this morning I was ruminating over a comment I read last night and I had a huge, personal, ah ha moment I wanted to share.

Dandylion said: I think it is dangerously close to the mind bending situation in abuse---when the person that you expect to love you is the same one that hurts you. Of course, we know that the one who hurts you can never, ever, be the one that heals you.

So I've been in therapy for a long time (years now) and so much is coming together for me as I'm ending my latest relationship with a man after my marriage to my exAH ended 2 years ago that I thought might be helpful to share. What I have realized about myself after A LOT of reflection is that every relationship with a man that I've ever been in since my first HS boyfriend has for the most part been painful. PAINFUL. And I've always been extremely comfortable in a painful situation, I make it ok and I try to fix it and I don't leave even when it is harming me greatly. The ones I've expected to love me have always been the ones who hurt me. And digging deeper I've realized that it stems from my upbringing - neither of my parents are alcoholics but they were not warm, loving parents (albeit they were just doing the best they could, but they are human and have their own issues) and I didn't grow up in a house where I got a lot of love and hugs and warmth. My parents provided for me financially and were always there physically for me but emotionally they just weren't. They were/are condescending and controlling and extremely selfish and never complement me for the good things and instead act like it's expected of me because of course I'd do or get XYZ because I am their child (wow I feel bad even typing that here in front a bunch of strangers but sadly it's true).

So now I exclusively choose men who cannot or will not give me what I want (a loving, secure, mutually beneficial and caring relationship) - I end up being in a constant battle with them because I'm choosing emotionally unavailable men (my exAH included) who can never meet my needs and instead of leaving immediately I stay and suffer while they get their needs met and I am just waiting for them to finally love me how I deserve to be loved and they never do. And when a man comes around who is kind and secure and seemingly available and open to being what I want, it literally makes me feel uncomfortable and scared. How messed up is that. My solace in all of this is that I'm finally, after so much reflection and experience and work on myself coming to realize that I AM WORTHY of all that I want, I DO DESERVE all that I want and I should not settle for less than I want. I used to feel quite dumb saying those words aloud, but I finally believe them for myself and plan to remind myself of it every single day. And so should you.

schnappi99

Yeah I recently discovered a lifelong habit of desperately seeking approval and fearing disapproval. Not only will I climb up on any cross to get it, I'll build the cross if its not provided for me. GIrlfiends, wives, parents, bosses, even Alanon. My 2022 resolution is to lower expectations. Or maybe right-size them. Choosing to disappoint feels like I will make people hate me lol, and after the fact its apparently not all that disappointing for them... I know this is just crap my brain is used to saying but good lord .... lol

FWN

Oh my gosh, all seriousness aside your response made me literally laugh out loud. Build the cross 🤣🤣🤣 it’s only this funny because it’s TRUE!!!! For me too. In so many aspects. I am finally, at 36 years old, saying no to things I don’t want to do and trying to make sure I am being true to myself in the other areas of my life.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for sharing, FWN. So much in there I relate to.

Fattyboomba

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Yes! I think I have the exact same issue - any guy that was loving and honest and cared, used to eventually creep me out somehow, like it was all too intense, but the liars, the cheaters and the emotionally distant guys, them I fell for!
I’m finally getting closer to shaking off my AH, (I cannot for the life of me get him to agree to legally seperate) and if I ever date again (because right now I have zero interest in letting another man into my life), I need to do the same - know what I actually want and believe that I deserve it - anything less is wasting my life.
Thank you!

PeacefulWater12

Hey FattyBoomba
I noticed this is your first post. I want to welcome you.

Glad to have you join us.

trailmix

Thanks for sharing all that FWN (even the part about your parents that makes you uncomfortable, I know it feels disloyal).

The line you wrote above reminded me of a snippet I saw on Red Table Talk, just a little thing that Sandra Bullock said (after being in therapy), that she realized that "place" that you describe is where she is comfortable, so she kept putting herself there.

I think that's true for me too.

mylifeismine

Congrats FWN on your hard won insights! Inside work is the hardest of all, and, sadly,
no awards given out for it! I'm so impressed by you!

velma929

Years ago I took an acting class. The professor put us through exercises like walking or posture that was 'comfortable' as opposed to motions that were efficient and posture that was healthy - and how we get accustomed to things that aren't good for us. He asked, "Do any of you have a relative than married the same person over and over? Not literally the same person, but the same type?"

Still can't act my way out of a paper bag, but i learned a lot about life that semester from that man. RIP, Prof R.

Fattyboomba

Thank you PeacefulWater - I drop in to read everyone’s posts whenever I need to be reminded that I’m not crazy, or alone. You all are a true gift x

Eauchiche

In my own recovery, I have had to draw a distinction between "comfortable" and "familiar."

The word "Familiar" is a powerful word that carries many connotations, including the culture one grows up in under an addict. Part of my recovery is avoiding addiction tainted situations that are "familiar". As the culture collapses around us, we also see these "familiar" traits manifesting in large corporations. I left a "secure" position with one of these companies year before last and went out on my own. On the local level, management was overheard bragging about how much they could drink at corporate meetings.

I believe that, in recovery I will have to resist being hooked into the "familiar."

The life I have tried to build and maintain now is what I would describe as "comfortable."