Juliedancer

It's me again. It's been a month since I asked my ex boyfriend to leave. I'm mostly doing well, and getting on with my life but part of me keeps hoping he will reach out and apologize and go back to expressing how he loves me. I know I don't want to be with him, he has lied so many times and I don't think he will quit drinking. I know I don't want him back and would not be able to trust him. Plus I don't want to live walking on eggshells. I know, time will help. So I get an email from him two days ago (& stupidly I got nervous and thought maybe it would be a kind email)....but it's him mad, saying I ruined his relationship with his sister and her husband... Because I told them about why I broke up with him....which was the last night of him being so drunk he was yelling out in the yard and so angry at me I left and stayed at a hotel. The next morning I came home and told him he had to move out. So it's my fault since I told his sister. Shooting the messenger. I replied saying it was his actions that ruined his relationship with her (& she's known he had an alcohol problem long before our breakup over that last incident) Believe me, he's been a sh*t show if drama for his family for years. Plus I never made any agreement to lie and keep his drinking a secret. He also said he would never do anything like that to me. So I also listed all the things he DID do to me (threatened me, drove drunk with me in my car, took off for days and didn't call, told me he'd quit drinking but hid bottles all over the house, lived with me without contributing financially... etc). It may have been better for me to have just not replied, but I got angry for the blame and felt like defending myself. Is it crazy that with all of that I actually still miss the sober him? Maybe it's good he was a jerk in the email. Showing me his true colors over and over. It's sad knowing the person who was sober and then knowing this shell of the person who is now someone completely different (& cruel). Well, I guess I'm just venting. I hope eventually the sadness will stop sporadically appearing in my heart.

dandylion

Julie.....I am glad to hear that you were able to keep your boundaries, for your own welfare
Yes, you will eventually get past his "Siren Call"....IF you keep the no contact and stay angry enough, long enough for you to move forward in your life.

Actually, I th ink that what you are missing about him is the chemical reaction that happens in your brain----in the reward center----when someone does something that make you feel pleasure (like behave in a loving manner, for example).
lol...I think it is sort of like the alcoholic who still has some cravings for that feel good feeling of those first few drinks (the buzz)----even though the alcohol is completely destroying his life, in the big picture.....

Stay strong and keep learning and working on your self.

PeacefulWater12

You are doing well, Julie.

I agree that it is the chemicals from the Trauma Bond you are in with him that is causing you to feel like you are missing him. Your body is detoxing from the highs and lows of the relationship.

By staying strong and remaining No Contact, it will pass. Any contact will restart it all.

Good idea to list all the bad stuff, our brains seem very good at just remembering the "good times" which probably weren't all that genuinely good anyway.

I found eating really healthily, lots of water, lots of nice walks, plenty of rest helped when I went through this.

There is a huge amount of help and info on TikTok about this. Use #traumabond. Also on You Tube.

Juliedancer

I read about trauma bonds, and not sure I actually have that. I'm not missing the unpredictability...in fact when the mood swings started happening the last week we were together, that's what pushed me to leave. (I was only with him 11 months total this year). I feel like it's kind of normal break up stuff when I miss him... Mourning what I thought it was going to be, mourning how we were when we were young (we had dated for two years in college when I was 18-19 yrs old, and reconnected last year...40 years later, I am now 59 yrs old). He was not an alcoholic 40 years ago in college. I think the hard part is realizing he is not the same person at all when he drinks. After we started dating and he had some strange behavior he told me he had been sober for 20 years, but he was drinking when we started dating. I gave him the ultimatum that I would not continue to be with him if he continued drinking. So he quit for 5 months (I think, but he could have been binge drinking when he was away from me during those 5 months, his behavior points to that, actually) but I believe he was sober for a lot of that time while he was with me. Then he began drinking again and it was extreme...hard liquor bottles hidden around the house, horrible mood swings and anger, so I ended it after just 2 weeks of that (we were living together then). I read "Alcohol Explained" which helped me understand the addiction cycle more, and I joined this site soon after I had him leave. I think I'm having normal breakup sadness in addition to realizing the other effects of an alcoholic... The whole personality change. He is a different person now.

dandylion

Julie......all of our feelings are accompanied by certain chemical activities in our brains,-----even, as you say----usual "break-up stuff".

lol....you don't need to be a chemistry major to grasp all of that-----I think it is enough for you to know how important going no contact is---in order for it to quit happening.
Of course, you wil never have a complete amnesia for the fact that the relationship ever happened----but, if you ever do (years from now) take a trip down memory lane---you will not have the acute longing that causes you to go into fetal position.

zla997

Hi Julie - I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

A few thoughts that I'm working on myself: try to connect with new people and activities outside of your shared circle of contacts. I have so many close ties with my former spouse between our family and friends, and it made the desire for him to "come around" or "realize he was so wrong" even higher because I envisioned how we could all spend time together again and pick up right where we left off. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that smoothly.

I picked up tennis lessons at the city park, joined some other social groups (these can be free or paid activities - meetup.com is great for things like walking groups, yoga, coffee hour, book club, whatever you're into!), engaged more with my coworkers, etc. It didn't all happen overnight and making new friends as an adult feels HARD... but I've been surprised how kind people are, and how many other people are also looking for connection. And the more time I spend with these people who know nothing about my ex, our shared memories, etc. the more fulfilled I feel in my current situation.

Would I like him to be a part of those things? Yes, I sure would. But he's not, and these new connections and hobbies are showing me there's life and joy on the other side.

Wishing you all the best.

Juliedancer

Thank you, yes! I am in a new town so I have been working on making new friends. I am going to a cheese and desert night with a group of ladies tonight, meeting some more new people.

Thanks everyone, yes, I just have a few moments of weakness here and there. I may need to block his email. At least not respond next time.

trailmix

Julie I can't remember if anyone mentioned, making a list? A list of all the horrible things he said and did. Add to it as things come to mind. Then when you get to thinking about what - could have been - what it was like when he was "sober" (you're right, he probably never was while with you) you can refer to that list. It serves two purposes. It helps your brain to switch gears - from the, we could have been at the beach right now etc etc - to remembering the time you asked him about the hidden bottle of whiskey and he flew in to a rage. It creates a balance, a reality check.

I believe the difference between a "regular" break up and one with an addict is - although they are truly 1 person, there are two sides. There was the man who was probably kind, loving, generous and complimentary and the horrible drunk guy that had you walking on eggshells. You didn't technically break up with the great guy he CAN be, you broke up with the alcoholic guy he is. So he's still out there, sometimes he's probably still the nice guy, but like you said, a shell of the person he was. It can cause cognitive dissonance.

While all of us have different sides to our personalities, they usually don't swing so far out in left field.

And you're right, you didn't take an oath of secrecy about his incredibly poor behaviour and drinking.

Juliedancer

Thanks Trailmix. Yes, I think making a list would be good for me. 🙂

velma929

Years ago I had a boyfriend. He had a problem with booze (among other things. He wasn't a very moral individual) We (I should say 'I') struggled along in the relationship for three years, and finally I had had enough. Over the three years he was inconsiderate, he cheated, he lost jobs. I left. It hurt, but I managed to resolutely stay gone. It helped that I got a job out of town and had to move.

A year later I moved back. (I wasn't very good at that particular job) He asked me to go to a barbecue at his sister's house. His nieces "would love to see me again." Something seemed - off. "You never told your family we broke up, did you? They don't know you were sleeping with someone else?" He said nothing. Except for calling when a mutual friend's dad died, I don't think we spoke again. A couple years ago, I reconnected with one of Ex's buddies. Ex had ended up treating his friends as poorly as he treated me, and moved 1000 miles away, "trying to leave his past behind" his buddy wrote. I got the impression there were subsequent girlfriends who blamed their eventual bad experiences on his male friends for not warning them that Ex was a heel.

Ex died last fall. He never apologized, not to me, not to his male friends - in the 40 years since. He left no children, no spouse, no significant other. There were no civic groups, political affiliations, no bowling leagues, no hobbies, no passions mentioned in his obituary. It was a very brief.

Juliedancer

Hello Velma,

Wow, that was an interesting story, and sad. Thank you for sharing. Too bad he went that direction with his life, huh? How about you? Have you found a better relationship? A job you enjoyed? Or something else in life?

I guess my take away with your story is that some people (like your ex) just don't change... Better to move on.

velma929

Yes I moved on. I did end up marrying an alcoholic, we had some pretty good years until the booze took over completely, and he died a few years ago from cancer.

The man I'm with now would wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of lemonade. There are decent men out there.

spiderqueen

Haha love this!

And I do feel compelled to add for everyone who has survived the chaos and heartbreak of loving an active alcoholic/addict: we sometimes have to re-learn how to love and be loved in a healthy way. So don't overlook that sweet, normal, sober, ordinary guy or gal who just wants to bring you a lemonade?? if you know what I mean...

PeacefulWater12

Yes, this!! I worked on healing from my chaotic alcoholic home childhood/warzone and changing myself. I am now with a very sweet, kind, calm, caring, giving man. A ordinary man who has never had an alcohol problem or any addiction.

Juliedancer

It is encouraging to hear about those of you who are finding good, healthy, kind relationships. I sure hope I do!

velma929

If it helps, Julie, the odds were stacked against me. I was in my mid-fifties when my husband died. Cold hard fact; I checked, and there were about 95 men to 100 women in my state. That doesn't account for the fact that as we get older, the men die off, so in my age group, the ratio was definitely working against me. Most of the ones that aren't dead are in relationships or not fit to be in relationships. Very few are 'in between relationships.'

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for mentioning this, I hadn't thought of this. I am late 50's so all of the above applies to me as well. Yet I still met a really good man. So very slim odds, as you say, but is possible. I wasn't looking, he found me!

He has no crazy ex's or any unhealed baggage that he brought with him. His life is, and was, running smoothly. He had nothing for me to "fix" or for me to be attracted to "save" him from. We can just be together as a healthy couple. Two individuals choosing to spend time together. No codependency or craziness.

Juliedancer

Well, I am 59... But I'm not giving up hope! But I admit, being older in age was one of the reasons I wanted things to work out so badly

PeacefulWater12

Hey Julie, I think as we get older it gets even harder to cope with crazy, codie relationships. We are so worn out with it all.

I am going to be 59 in a few weeks, I notice and other people have said too, that I look ten years younger now I am away from the stress of a crazy marriage with an alkie!!