I read about trauma bonds, and not sure I actually have that. I'm not missing the unpredictability...in fact when the mood swings started happening the last week we were together, that's what pushed me to leave. (I was only with him 11 months total this year). I feel like it's kind of normal break up stuff when I miss him... Mourning what I thought it was going to be, mourning how we were when we were young (we had dated for two years in college when I was 18-19 yrs old, and reconnected last year...40 years later, I am now 59 yrs old). He was not an alcoholic 40 years ago in college. I think the hard part is realizing he is not the same person at all when he drinks. After we started dating and he had some strange behavior he told me he had been sober for 20 years, but he was drinking when we started dating. I gave him the ultimatum that I would not continue to be with him if he continued drinking. So he quit for 5 months (I think, but he could have been binge drinking when he was away from me during those 5 months, his behavior points to that, actually) but I believe he was sober for a lot of that time while he was with me. Then he began drinking again and it was extreme...hard liquor bottles hidden around the house, horrible mood swings and anger, so I ended it after just 2 weeks of that (we were living together then). I read "Alcohol Explained" which helped me understand the addiction cycle more, and I joined this site soon after I had him leave. I think I'm having normal breakup sadness in addition to realizing the other effects of an alcoholic... The whole personality change. He is a different person now.