Boyfriend broke up with me
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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Boyfriend broke up with me
Hi I’m new here! On Tuesday my bf of 6 months broke up with me. I’ll give some back story, I met him on a dating site. Our first date was at a sports bar, he had ordered a beer before I got there, that was odd to me but I didn’t think much of it. We had an instant connection.. we texted everyday , it was great. He told me he had pancreatitis and that he’s an alcoholic. He’s only 37 btw. I still stayed with him, he was fun and I needed fun. But the more time we spent together , I noticed beer cans at his house, in the shower etc. He also always smelled like alcohol. Soon I would start asking him about his drinking , he would say he’s going to quit or cut back . Now the arguments started constantly, always with him saying “ I deserve better and he’s a piece of crap” he’d always say we should break up, I would always convince him we shouldn’t. Then he began yelling at me during the fights and he was scary . I’d still beg him to be together . Fast forward to our latest fight last Friday , I just asked him if he’d been drinking , he flipped out and said yes, I’m an alcoholic. So I said I’m done and packed up my stuff and left. I called him 30 mins later and he yelled at me saying “ we are too different , I’m trying to change him into something he’s not , and he’s tired of feeling like he’s not good enough “ so I again begged him back. I apologized for asking him to stop and criticizing his friends. Saturday was great with only one little fight. I left on Sunday . He was back to texting me romantic things . Monday same thing . But he stopped texting around 5. Which isn’t unusual if he passes out after work. But I still didn’t hear from him by morning. So I text him. He said “ sorry. I feel asleep early. Just stressed. Then nothing else all day . So I called him, he called me back and broke up. I asked him why and he said he has to figure somethings out and what he wants. He said he loves me but doesn’t know if he’s in love . I apologized for criticizing his drinking , he said he didn’t think I did anything wrong . It’s him that needs to fix things. He said he would contact the therapist I had for him. He said we could stay friends and I’m the woman he wants to be with. I haven’t heard from him since that phone call. Not one text. I frantically have texted him and he’s ignored them. On the phone we had said we’d meet up Saturday, but I’m left heartbroken and confused. Because he said we need time and distance. I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. Any comments is appreciated. Thanks
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Please run and run fast... Reading your story was so heartbreaking for me cause I could have written it over 6 years ago and infact I did write it ... Fast forward to me begging and begging to be with him turned into a marriage and 7 years of hell... I say this with all the experience and all the love in the world... run... Do whatever you have to ... but get out... I promise you this will not get better. Not only does he not want to get sober but he is gaslighting you and confusing you.... and confusing you.... Here is what my first post was in 2016... it literally is the same thing ... I say this with all the love in the world... my only regret and biggest regret was staying with my now exAH for the remaining years I did.. I wasted ages 32-39 being with an active alcoholic. These were my main child bearing years... I would do anything to have listened to the advice when I was 6 months in and exactly where you are.... Here is my first post ever ......
"Hi everyone,
I am new here. Thank you in advance for reading my story. I have been in a relationship with an amazing man for 9 months. He is smart, handsome, loving , caring, my best friend and also recently told me he was an alcoholic... He told me a few months ago... after he told me our relationship seemed to change overnight.... When we first met he told me he was going through a divorce and a really crazy custody battle. His now ex wife had left him in the middle of the night and took his kids across country to live with another man... My (now ex boyfriend ) confided in me and cried to me all of the time about how much he loved and missed his children... He swore up and down he loved me and that he had never felt this way about anyone. He has only been with 2 women in his entire life and he is 33. ( I am one of them ) ... He seemed to have a very strong faith in god. In the beginning we drank together... ( I can take or leave drinking ) but we were going on dates and vacations etc. We communicated well and told each other everything. We both have busy careers but I felt like I was in high school again...I literally felt like I had found my best friend... We moved in together... I spent time with his children... they told me they loved me and I thought to myself... wow I waited my whole life for him and I was so excited to have a family unit.... Well a few months ago he confided in me that he was a full blown alcoholic... that he had only been sober around 10 days in 8 years and that his ex wife actually left him and took the kids because of his drinking. He told me stories that shocked me about how drunk he would get... he said that he knew that he had lost his kids and his ex wife from drinking and that he wouldn't loose me too... so he quit for 2 weeks... then started...then quit...then started... this along with the pressure of all of the divorce baggage and learning to be some what of a stepmom to kids just became a lot to bear on my own......
One day out of the blue he broke up with me ( this was a month ago) then a week later ( he was sober for a week ) he begged for me back saying he wanted to live simply and soberly....then a week after that he got so drunk he didn't make it home one night and a week after that he got so drunk he came home and threw up in our back yard... Everything was so inconsistent with him that I decided to look through his phone one night when he was passed out...... He had a conversation with one of his guy friends that went like this...( mind you this was 3 days after begging me to move home and said he would pay all my bills if I did that he just missed me)
Guy Friend : "How is your new and improved girlfriend?"( what the ****)
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
I was SHOCKED!!!!! I have literally been there sooooooo much for this man.... like so much. I know his family, his friends... he talks to my father all the time...I wrapped his children xmas gifts and made them easter baskets for ***** sake ( sorry for the cussing ) How the heck could he talk about me like that????!!!
I mean we had the closest relationship...talking about everything under the sun...hung out every day... I am baffled...
I ended up breaking up with him...moved my stuff out within a few days. I am now living at my parents house... ( I own a successful company and now I feel like a child again)
I had one conversation with him where he says he knows how messed up he is and that he feels crazy form the long term of drinking everyday and the emotional trauma of his divorce but that he loves me with every piece of his broken heart... but he knows its best for us not to be together... and then blocked him on all accounts...
He has texted my best friend twice over the last week asking how I am ..she offered to take him to an AA meeting ( he refused and said he is just going to try to drink on the weekends now)
Today he texted my dad and apologized for everything and told my dad that I am better off with out him and that I am amazing and that he really loved me.....
My dad and my best friend both refused to say anything about me and just wished him sobriety...
I have read through all of our texts.. went through all of the hundreds of days and hours we have spent together and it is so bizarre.. so so bizarre... I keep thinking to myself...how the heck is this really over...how can he have loved me soooooo much and I was the most important thing to him until one day I just wasn't worth the effort ( and trust me his baggage was much much more than mine) in the traditional sense... I am just dumb founded... Can alcohol really change a person this much... sorry if I seem harsh... I am just in shock really.... everyone and anyone who has spent time with us was in shock that we aren't together.... I think this is just such a fresh wound still... I think it is best to keep him blocked but I feel sick to my stomach..... How can they change there feelings so rapidly? Thanks for listening"
"Hi everyone,
I am new here. Thank you in advance for reading my story. I have been in a relationship with an amazing man for 9 months. He is smart, handsome, loving , caring, my best friend and also recently told me he was an alcoholic... He told me a few months ago... after he told me our relationship seemed to change overnight.... When we first met he told me he was going through a divorce and a really crazy custody battle. His now ex wife had left him in the middle of the night and took his kids across country to live with another man... My (now ex boyfriend ) confided in me and cried to me all of the time about how much he loved and missed his children... He swore up and down he loved me and that he had never felt this way about anyone. He has only been with 2 women in his entire life and he is 33. ( I am one of them ) ... He seemed to have a very strong faith in god. In the beginning we drank together... ( I can take or leave drinking ) but we were going on dates and vacations etc. We communicated well and told each other everything. We both have busy careers but I felt like I was in high school again...I literally felt like I had found my best friend... We moved in together... I spent time with his children... they told me they loved me and I thought to myself... wow I waited my whole life for him and I was so excited to have a family unit.... Well a few months ago he confided in me that he was a full blown alcoholic... that he had only been sober around 10 days in 8 years and that his ex wife actually left him and took the kids because of his drinking. He told me stories that shocked me about how drunk he would get... he said that he knew that he had lost his kids and his ex wife from drinking and that he wouldn't loose me too... so he quit for 2 weeks... then started...then quit...then started... this along with the pressure of all of the divorce baggage and learning to be some what of a stepmom to kids just became a lot to bear on my own......
One day out of the blue he broke up with me ( this was a month ago) then a week later ( he was sober for a week ) he begged for me back saying he wanted to live simply and soberly....then a week after that he got so drunk he didn't make it home one night and a week after that he got so drunk he came home and threw up in our back yard... Everything was so inconsistent with him that I decided to look through his phone one night when he was passed out...... He had a conversation with one of his guy friends that went like this...( mind you this was 3 days after begging me to move home and said he would pay all my bills if I did that he just missed me)
Guy Friend : "How is your new and improved girlfriend?"( what the ****)
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
I was SHOCKED!!!!! I have literally been there sooooooo much for this man.... like so much. I know his family, his friends... he talks to my father all the time...I wrapped his children xmas gifts and made them easter baskets for ***** sake ( sorry for the cussing ) How the heck could he talk about me like that????!!!
I mean we had the closest relationship...talking about everything under the sun...hung out every day... I am baffled...
I ended up breaking up with him...moved my stuff out within a few days. I am now living at my parents house... ( I own a successful company and now I feel like a child again)
I had one conversation with him where he says he knows how messed up he is and that he feels crazy form the long term of drinking everyday and the emotional trauma of his divorce but that he loves me with every piece of his broken heart... but he knows its best for us not to be together... and then blocked him on all accounts...
He has texted my best friend twice over the last week asking how I am ..she offered to take him to an AA meeting ( he refused and said he is just going to try to drink on the weekends now)
Today he texted my dad and apologized for everything and told my dad that I am better off with out him and that I am amazing and that he really loved me.....
My dad and my best friend both refused to say anything about me and just wished him sobriety...
I have read through all of our texts.. went through all of the hundreds of days and hours we have spent together and it is so bizarre.. so so bizarre... I keep thinking to myself...how the heck is this really over...how can he have loved me soooooo much and I was the most important thing to him until one day I just wasn't worth the effort ( and trust me his baggage was much much more than mine) in the traditional sense... I am just dumb founded... Can alcohol really change a person this much... sorry if I seem harsh... I am just in shock really.... everyone and anyone who has spent time with us was in shock that we aren't together.... I think this is just such a fresh wound still... I think it is best to keep him blocked but I feel sick to my stomach..... How can they change there feelings so rapidly? Thanks for listening"
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Thank you for replying
Thank you for sharing with me. I feel so confused and hurt but your post resonated with me . I’m going to look up gaslighting . I guess the only “ loving” act he has done was not reply to me. Just in the 2 days we haven’t spoken , my mind is getting clearer and I’m seeing the red flags I should of seen. But then I think wow I miss him . Such a confusing time
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by Payne9 
Thank you for sharing with me. I feel so confused and hurt but your post resonated with me . I’m going to look up gaslighting . I guess the only “ loving” act he has done was not reply to me. Just in the 2 days we haven’t spoken , my mind is getting clearer and I’m seeing the red flags I should of seen. But then I think wow I miss him . Such a confusing time
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Kaya's is so correct on this. You're only 6 months in, you don't have the commitments of a marriage, shared finances, children -- go, and quickly!
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
He is telling you straight out that he doesn't want this relationship. He's been somewhat honest in admitting his alcoholism. Whether he'll follow through with therapy, rehab, living sober in recovery, that is in the future and you have no way of knowing.
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
Originally Posted by Payne9
Hi I’m new here! On Tuesday my bf of 6 months broke up with me. I’ll give some back story, I met him on a dating site. Our first date was at a sports bar, he had ordered a beer before I got there, that was odd to me but I didn’t think much of it (You met him, he was already drinking, and you felt something was off). We had an instant connection.. we texted everyday , it was great (love - bombing). He told me he had pancreatitis and that he’s an alcoholic (he told you straight up he was an alcoholic, and he's still drinking despite having pancreatitis). He’s only 37 btw. I still stayed with him, he was fun and I needed fun (fun, happiness, all of that is dependent upon you; someone else can't create that for you). But the more time we spent together , I noticed beer cans at his house, in the shower etc (you noticed it, it bothered you, you felt something was off). He also always smelled like alcohol (you noticed it and felt something was off). Soon I would start asking him about his drinking , he would say he’s going to quit or cut back . Now the arguments started (an alcoholic will always protect their addiction -- you said something about his drinking and now you're between him and the alcohol, so of course he will want to break up) constantly, always with him saying “ I deserve better and he’s a piece of crap” he’d always say we should break up, I would always convince him we shouldn’t. Then he began yelling at me during the fights and he was scary . I’d still beg him to be together (you're still in between him and the alcohol, so if getting abusive makes you leave, he will; if you're begging him to stay, why?). Fast forward to our latest fight last Friday , I just asked him if he’d been drinking , he flipped out and said yes, I’m an alcoholic. So I said I’m done and packed up my stuff and left. I called him 30 mins later and he yelled at me saying “ we are too different , I’m trying to change him into something he’s not , and he’s tired of feeling like he’s not good enough “ so I again begged him back (this is codependency -- you can't fix him or change him, no matter how much you might care for him or feel badly because he says he's not good enough). I apologized for asking him to stop and criticizing his friends. Saturday was great with only one little fight. I left on Sunday . He was back to texting me romantic things . Monday same thing . But he stopped texting around 5. Which isn’t unusual if he passes out after work. But I still didn’t hear from him by morning. So I text him. He said “ sorry. I feel asleep early. Just stressed (he will say whatever it takes to get you to do what he wants, to not get between him and the alcohol, which was in this case to text you a lame excuse and apology). Then nothing else all day . So I called him, he called me back and broke up. I asked him why and he said he has to figure somethings out and what he wants. He said he loves me but doesn’t know if he’s in love . I apologized for criticizing his drinking , he said he didn’t think I did anything wrong . It’s him that needs to fix things. He said he would contact the therapist I had for him. He said we could stay friends and I’m the woman he wants to be with. I haven’t heard from him since that phone call (again, looking at his actions and not what he says -- he wants you to leave him be and he will say whatever he thinks you need to hear to leave him be). Not one text. I frantically have texted him and he’s ignored them. On the phone we had said we’d meet up Saturday, but I’m left heartbroken and confused. Because he said we need time and distance. I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. Any comments is appreciated. Thanks
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi Payne, I'm sorry you got hurt.
I'm sure when you read "run, run away" that you might be thinking we don't understand, but we do.
He is an alcoholic (and addict), he wants to drink, more than anything, he cares about alcohol more than you and more than himself (or anyone else).
I hope you will stick around and read the other threads and post as often as you like.
You can't make an alcoholic quit drinking, the fights were really a waste of time. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You may have gotten used to poor treatment in the short time you two were together, but I'm glad the fog is starting to lift. Keep with that, you deserve more than that and I think you know that deep down?
Of course you miss him, he was your partner for 6 months, but there are lots of men out there that will actually treat you well.
I'm sure when you read "run, run away" that you might be thinking we don't understand, but we do.
He is an alcoholic (and addict), he wants to drink, more than anything, he cares about alcohol more than you and more than himself (or anyone else).
I hope you will stick around and read the other threads and post as often as you like.
You can't make an alcoholic quit drinking, the fights were really a waste of time. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You may have gotten used to poor treatment in the short time you two were together, but I'm glad the fog is starting to lift. Keep with that, you deserve more than that and I think you know that deep down?
Of course you miss him, he was your partner for 6 months, but there are lots of men out there that will actually treat you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by sage1969
Kaya's is so correct on this. You're only 6 months in, you don't have the commitments of a marriage, shared finances, children -- go, and quickly!
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
He is telling you straight out that he doesn't want this relationship. He's been somewhat honest in admitting his alcoholism. Whether he'll follow through with therapy, rehab, living sober in recovery, that is in the future and you have no way of knowing.
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
He is telling you straight out that he doesn't want this relationship. He's been somewhat honest in admitting his alcoholism. Whether he'll follow through with therapy, rehab, living sober in recovery, that is in the future and you have no way of knowing.
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Thank you
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Payne, I'm sorry you got hurt.
I'm sure when you read "run, run away" that you might be thinking we don't understand, but we do.
He is an alcoholic (and addict), he wants to drink, more than anything, he cares about alcohol more than you and more than himself (or anyone else).
I hope you will stick around and read the other threads and post as often as you like.
You can't make an alcoholic quit drinking, the fights were really a waste of time. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You may have gotten used to poor treatment in the short time you two were together, but I'm glad the fog is starting to lift. Keep with that, you deserve more than that and I think you know that deep down?
Of course you miss him, he was your partner for 6 months, but there are lots of men out there that will actually treat you well.
I'm sure when you read "run, run away" that you might be thinking we don't understand, but we do.
He is an alcoholic (and addict), he wants to drink, more than anything, he cares about alcohol more than you and more than himself (or anyone else).
I hope you will stick around and read the other threads and post as often as you like.
You can't make an alcoholic quit drinking, the fights were really a waste of time. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You may have gotten used to poor treatment in the short time you two were together, but I'm glad the fog is starting to lift. Keep with that, you deserve more than that and I think you know that deep down?
Of course you miss him, he was your partner for 6 months, but there are lots of men out there that will actually treat you well.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Payne9
Thank you for doing that . It’s crazy that I needed you to highlight it for it to click . I guess my confusion was when we are good, it’s really good. You are right he straight out told me he can’t do this anymore . I need to let him be. I haven’t contacted him at all today . His mom reached out but she enables him. I appreciate your words !! Thank you
When you say " I guess my confusion was when we are good, it is really good"... That is almost textbook for every person in a relationship with an active alcoholic... Their personalities tend to be polarizing cause they have to be to keep whoever they are with on the merry go round... They can't always be drunk dick heads... no one would stay with them if that were the case. I am not trying to sound harsh.... sorry if I am. When I first came on here I hated when people told me to run ...I thought "no they don't understand what WE have ( me and my now exAH ) "....but the truth is they knew my situation better than I did. It is impossible ...and I mean truly impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic to have any type of resemblance of a healthy relationship. Period. If he is at the stage that he has liver damage already it means he has been drinking heavy and for a long time... The issues he will have to face to be in any kinda of relationship will take years most likely. That is why we are saying to run. Most long term marriages with kids can not withstand the level of selfishness one must have to get sober... even if that is his choice and he chooses that ( which he doesn't sound like he is going to anytime soon) the level of focus he will need to have on himself to stay sober will not go hand in hand with a rather new relationship... No matter your choice we are all here for you though... sending you a bug hug...
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Another reason
Originally Posted by sage1969
Kaya's is so correct on this. You're only 6 months in, you don't have the commitments of a marriage, shared finances, children -- go, and quickly!
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
He is telling you straight out that he doesn't want this relationship. He's been somewhat honest in admitting his alcoholism. Whether he'll follow through with therapy, rehab, living sober in recovery, that is in the future and you have no way of knowing.
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
I thought I'd go through you OP, and with love, I'm marking the red flags I see. I could actually highlight almost all of this.
He is telling you straight out that he doesn't want this relationship. He's been somewhat honest in admitting his alcoholism. Whether he'll follow through with therapy, rehab, living sober in recovery, that is in the future and you have no way of knowing.
If you take the alcoholism out of the equation for a moment, if he were to break up with you, you would be hurt and heart - broken, but could you respect it if he said he wasn't feeling the relationship? It would be painful, but you'd let him go because he wants to break up? So why would you want to stay with someone who is an alcoholic, someone who is obviously already ill from this progressive disease, who does not treat you well?
You have a lot of life in front of you. Let go of this last six months.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Payne9
Another reason I always begged him back is he asked me when he pushes me away to fight for us and not let him run away. He says he’s always ran away and he needs me to fight . Hence why I didn’t let him be . But I can’t do this anymore it’s too painful for me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Payne9
I am actually in therapy , and yes, I know deep down this has been a toxic experience. I’ve been reading threads all day . I have a pattern of being with addicts/alcoholics. I am tired of repeating it . Thank you for your words
Wishing you well in your recovery journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Payne,
these folks have such sound, sensible and clear advise. Take it and literally run with it. You’ve dodged a cannonball. I’m going through the mud and the guts of the cumulation of 18-years on the receiving end of a marriage to an AW. It sounds callous and I know (believe me…I know) how bad this crap hurts. But you, my fine, fine person, have been given a gift, an open door to change lanes and live your life on your terms, happy and healthy. It’s hard to figure this Next step out, but be good to yourself.
these folks have such sound, sensible and clear advise. Take it and literally run with it. You’ve dodged a cannonball. I’m going through the mud and the guts of the cumulation of 18-years on the receiving end of a marriage to an AW. It sounds callous and I know (believe me…I know) how bad this crap hurts. But you, my fine, fine person, have been given a gift, an open door to change lanes and live your life on your terms, happy and healthy. It’s hard to figure this Next step out, but be good to yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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Relieved
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
When you say " I guess my confusion was when we are good, it is really good"... That is almost textbook for every person in a relationship with an active alcoholic... Their personalities tend to be polarizing cause they have to be to keep whoever they are with on the merry go round... They can't always be drunk dick heads... no one would stay with them if that were the case. I am not trying to sound harsh.... sorry if I am. When I first came on here I hated when people told me to run ...I thought "no they don't understand what WE have ( me and my now exAH ) "....but the truth is they knew my situation better than I did. It is impossible ...and I mean truly impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic to have any type of resemblance of a healthy relationship. Period. If he is at the stage that he has liver damage already it means he has been drinking heavy and for a long time... The issues he will have to face to be in any kinda of relationship will take years most likely. That is why we are saying to run. Most long term marriages with kids can not withstand the level of selfishness one must have to get sober... even if that is his choice and he chooses that ( which he doesn't sound like he is going to anytime soon) the level of focus he will need to have on himself to stay sober will not go hand in hand with a rather new relationship... No matter your choice we are all here for you though... sending you a bug hug...
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Same
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I relate to this, coming from an alcoholic home, I had a pattern of being drawn to alcoholics too. I am also tired and sick to death of repeating it. I am working on remaining free from it now.
Wishing you well in your recovery journey.
Wishing you well in your recovery journey.
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Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Payne,
these folks have such sound, sensible and clear advise. Take it and literally run with it. You’ve dodged a cannonball. I’m going through the mud and the guts of the cumulation of 18-years on the receiving end of a marriage to an AW. It sounds callous and I know (believe me…I know) how bad this crap hurts. But you, my fine, fine person, have been given a gift, an open door to change lanes and live your life on your terms, happy and healthy. It’s hard to figure this Next step out, but be good to yourself.
these folks have such sound, sensible and clear advise. Take it and literally run with it. You’ve dodged a cannonball. I’m going through the mud and the guts of the cumulation of 18-years on the receiving end of a marriage to an AW. It sounds callous and I know (believe me…I know) how bad this crap hurts. But you, my fine, fine person, have been given a gift, an open door to change lanes and live your life on your terms, happy and healthy. It’s hard to figure this Next step out, but be good to yourself.
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Originally Posted by Payne9
Another reason I always begged him back is he asked me when he pushes me away to fight for us and not let him run away. He says he’s always ran away and he needs me to fight . Hence why I didn’t let him be . But I can’t do this anymore it’s too painful for me
Don't be surprised if he does call you, he might be having remorse, even though he does know he's not relationship material right now. Personally I think a good long time of no-contact would help you a lot. If he does text, perhaps you can be ready with a - I don't think we should talk for a while - reply. It will help you to stay strong.
Even in a few days you are seeing things more clearly. That whole "come here go away" routine can be addictive for you. Hey things are good, we are having fun and are happy! Oh, he's drunk/in withdrawal/can't sleep/grouchy/snippy/ignoring me because he's too hungover to talk - oh hey, he's back, drunk but fun, says he cares about me. Repeat.
You get the picture of course, you have just been through that, but it's a bad position to be in. You deserve better than that. I don't know you well yet but I can see you are probably a a really kind person and loyal, so of course he is attracted to those qualities, doesn't mean he is in any state to be in a relationship with you.
He also has no intention of quitting drinking right now (despite whatever he told you).
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