Freshstart1111

Just saw my AXH at a wake. It didn't even dawn on me he'd be there. It shook me a bit. We've been apart 3 and a half years. He's still drinking from what I know. I'm sure he's still a full blown narcissist. I didn't and don't talk to him. Found out he'll be at my daughters college track meet this weekend too. I feel like he's ruined the weekend for me. It'll be uncomfortable. He has a girlfriend and may bring her. Not sure. I'm still single. Still alone dealing with my mother's illnesses. Still healing from my relationship with him, from my codependency. Still working on my stuff. Then why does it bother me so much to see him? I feel good about myself for the most part. He is self-centered, only cares about money and adoration and drinking and how great his life looks. I don't want it to bother me anymore. I hate seeing him. It sets me back.
I know all the facts....he hasn't changed (though I'm sure he feels happier than I do), our kids came home from college and spend the majority of the time with me, he's an alcoholic, he's a narcissist, he isn't better for his girlfriend, he treated me terribly, he ignored me, I was lowest on the totem pole, he spent more time coaching other kids than he did with his own kids, he had at least one affair that I know of, he gaslit me, he never apologized.
Then why does it hit me so hard????

trailmix

I'll hazard a guess. When you met him he was probably quite good? I mean you married him so you loved him and you have children. The fact that he then turned in to a - what he turned in to, you know very well logically.

When he is standing right there though, that's just the outside, he probably looks like the guy you married, bit older, so maybe those two things are separate in your mind? Maybe when you think of him and what he did, visualize him as well. When you see him, remember what he looked like when he was drunk or angry.

That just might bridge those two things.

dandylion

FreshStart...at a biological level, it is due to the neurotransmitters in your brain. Sorry that you had to run into him.

PeacefulWater12

I agree with Dandylion. Biochemical reaction in your body. Have you looked into Trauma Bonds?

I found learning about them very helpful. Especially as he is a narc and the behaviours you describe, Trauma Bond is likely.

My late narc AH used to coach other peoples kids too, he told me in a matter of fact way that it gained him favour and access to other women. Made them think he was a good person. My narc A father used to use same ploy.

Congratulations on being away from him and building a good life for yourself.

velma929

I recently reconnected with a friend from my youth. We met through my first serious boyfriend. In September, former bf died, and we've been corresponding about him and the effect he and his actions had. It turns out former bf was an alcoholic (among other things) I'm gathering (slowly) that in addition to treating me poorly, Ex also burned bridges with his friends. (I guess he wasn't a misogynist, he was just kind of a jerk) Old/new friend endured the fallout of Ex's relationships with other women, who either blamed him for not warning them about Ex's womanizing ways, or thought that somehow he could somehow communicate to Ex how badly they were hurt. Ex left the city and moved 1000 or so miles away and left no forwarding address, so that wasn't happening.

In the age of the internet, though, staying hidden forever is a little harder. I Googled Ex and sent friend what I had some months ago, I was tempted to contact Ex myself, I told friend. I didn't though. I realized if I did make contact, and Ex offered no apology, I'd be angry all over again. Rather than go through that, I did nothing. Friend agreed that was probably wise.

Are you irritated that your ex has never apologized? Or even acknowledged that he was 'sorry for how things ended?' That would make me angry, too. FWIW, in my 65 years I've only heard once of an ex apologizing to a wronged spouse and basically saying, "I had it so good with you. I screwed up."