Boyfriend broke up with me
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by trailmix 
This is one of the most selfish things I have heard. What a terrible thing to say to someone.
Don't be surprised if he does call you, he might be having remorse, even though he does know he's not relationship material right now. Personally I think a good long time of no-contact would help you a lot. If he does text, perhaps you can be ready with at - I don't think we should talk for a while - reply. It will help you to stay strong.
Even in a few days you are seeing things more clearly. That whole "come here go away" routine can be addictive for you. Hey things are good, we are having fun and are happy! Oh, he's drunk/in withdrawal/can't sleep/grouchy/snippy/ignoring me because he's too hungover to talk - oh hey, he's back, drunk but fun, says he care about me. Repeat.
You get the picture of course, you have just been through that, but it's a bad position to be in. You deserve better than that. I don't know you well yet but I can see you are probably a a really kind person and loyal, so of course he is attracted to those qualities, doesn't mean he is in any state to be in a relationship with you.
He also has no intention of quitting drinking right now (despite whatever he told you).
Don't be surprised if he does call you, he might be having remorse, even though he does know he's not relationship material right now. Personally I think a good long time of no-contact would help you a lot. If he does text, perhaps you can be ready with at - I don't think we should talk for a while - reply. It will help you to stay strong.
Even in a few days you are seeing things more clearly. That whole "come here go away" routine can be addictive for you. Hey things are good, we are having fun and are happy! Oh, he's drunk/in withdrawal/can't sleep/grouchy/snippy/ignoring me because he's too hungover to talk - oh hey, he's back, drunk but fun, says he care about me. Repeat.
You get the picture of course, you have just been through that, but it's a bad position to be in. You deserve better than that. I don't know you well yet but I can see you are probably a a really kind person and loyal, so of course he is attracted to those qualities, doesn't mean he is in any state to be in a relationship with you.
He also has no intention of quitting drinking right now (despite whatever he told you).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Payne9
Ive had him do therapy with me and my therapist. Because I thought we just needed help in therapy, I didn’t tell my therapist until this last breakup that he’s an alcoholic. It all made sense to her as soon as I told her . She was giving therapy to us without knowing the huge issue , his drinking . Once she knew ,she is telling me to grieve the relationship. I definitely don’t believe he’s ready to quit drinking . I have children and I haven’t introduced him to my kids, I’ve made it clear he won’t meet them til he made changes. Once I told my closest friends this week he’s an alcoholic, they said they knew something was up because I’ve been so isolated and they said he doesn’t look like he showers and he reeks of alcohol. I’m sort of embarrassed.
Alcoholics can get sober and get in to recovery, if they choose to, but nothing you said would have really, probably, had an impact on him. They need to choose it for themselves, when they are ready and they won't get sober a moment before that.
You would not be "part" of that recovery, even if he did try (which he isn't) - that's an inside job - as it should be.
Even in recovery (healing from all the issues that alcoholism has triggered, the behaviours etc) can take years. Getting sober, putting down that drink is one thing (and also very hard), working recovery is a different thing and takes a very strong commitment and can take a few years.
Then, even if he was in recovery, you notice they don't talk about being "cured" - because it can't be, once someone becomes addicted to alcohol, that never goes away. They can work to stay in recovery but they can't casually drink, not even one.
I would recommend you learn all you can about alcoholism (for you, not for him).
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by trailmix
How can a therapist counsel a couple where active alcoholism is involved, alcoholics are in their own - addicted world, they see things differently.
Alcoholics can get sober and get in to recovery, if they choose to, but nothing you said would have really, probably, had an impact on him. They need to choose it for themselves, when they are ready and they won't get sober a moment before that.
You would not be "part" of that recovery, even if he did try (which he isn't) - that's an inside job - as it should be.
Even in recovery (healing from all the issues that alcoholism has triggered, the behaviours etc) can take years. Getting sober, putting down that drink is one thing (and also very hard), working recovery is a different thing and takes a very strong commitment and can take a few years.
Then, even if he was in recovery, you notice they don't talk about being "cured" - because it can't be, once someone becomes addicted to alcohol, that never goes away. They can work to stay in recovery but they can't casually drink, not even one.
I would recommend you learn all you can about alcoholism (for you, not for him).
Alcoholics can get sober and get in to recovery, if they choose to, but nothing you said would have really, probably, had an impact on him. They need to choose it for themselves, when they are ready and they won't get sober a moment before that.
You would not be "part" of that recovery, even if he did try (which he isn't) - that's an inside job - as it should be.
Even in recovery (healing from all the issues that alcoholism has triggered, the behaviours etc) can take years. Getting sober, putting down that drink is one thing (and also very hard), working recovery is a different thing and takes a very strong commitment and can take a few years.
Then, even if he was in recovery, you notice they don't talk about being "cured" - because it can't be, once someone becomes addicted to alcohol, that never goes away. They can work to stay in recovery but they can't casually drink, not even one.
I would recommend you learn all you can about alcoholism (for you, not for him).
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
When I was in the throes of my addiction one of my ONLY weapons was psychological warfare. I would make promises I couldnt keep, I would make people believe I was a victim, I would build you up until you thought you were the only girl in the world, I would minimise the effect alcohol was having on me, I would pretend that I could regulate, I would shun you knowing that really the effect was just to confuse you and leave you wanting to find out why.I would manipulate life situations that allowed me to carry on drinking. I would be all things to all people in the daylight. Until it caught up with me...and there was hell to pay if I was going to be sober and honest with myself and others. So I chose to be honest once in my shameful life.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Triggered
When I was in the throes of my addiction one of my ONLY weapons was psychological warfare. I would make promises I couldnt keep, I would make people believe I was a victim, I would build you up until you thought you were the only girl in the world, I would minimise the effect alcohol was having on me, I would pretend that I could regulate, I would shun you knowing that really the effect was just to confuse you and leave you wanting to find out why.I would manipulate life situations that allowed me to carry on drinking. I would be all things to all people in the daylight. Until it caught up with me...and there was hell to pay if I was going to be sober and honest with myself and others. So I chose to be honest once in my shameful life.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Triggered
When I was in the throes of my addiction one of my ONLY weapons was psychological warfare. I would make promises I couldnt keep, I would make people believe I was a victim, I would build you up until you thought you were the only girl in the world, I would minimise the effect alcohol was having on me, I would pretend that I could regulate, I would shun you knowing that really the effect was just to confuse you and leave you wanting to find out why.I would manipulate life situations that allowed me to carry on drinking. I would be all things to all people in the daylight. Until it caught up with me...and there was hell to pay if I was going to be sober and honest with myself and others. So I chose to be honest once in my shameful life.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
He obviously hasnt reached that stage yet, maybe he never will. But you can't live your life on a wish and a prayer, especially if you have to endure the heartache that it will bring...and it will bring it in spades. Youre in the honeymoon phase believe it or not. If you hang around he will run out of steam, run out of ideas, run out of excuses and you will see his addiction for what it truly is.
This is his addiction...you cant work it for him. Maybe there is some redemption for him in all of this because if you leave, as everyone has suggested (and rightly so) he will lose the emotional crutch that youre providing for him and realise he has to stand on his own before going anywhere near a relationship with anyone.
One last thing I will say is that I believe you should find out about co dependancy to stop you following the same pattern in future. It's time for you to look after yourself now and let him deal with his own demons by himself.
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