Indisposed

Yeah, I'm very sensitive (pisces lol), and know I need to love myself a little more. I know I'm a good person, but expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person is failure waiting to happen lol.

I just hate being "alone" in public, and found it easier to deal with life with my ex by my side because we were both similar in that aspect. She also had social anxiety, and we helped eachother and get through things like public outings or hanging in groups. It's like I'm having to learn how to ride a bike again, if that makes sense.

Bekindalways

After a break up, you really do have to learn to live single again. It isn't easy. Keep at it EZ.

I adore being alone and then get depressed. I have to kind of make myself get out. This certainly isn't how all introverts are just me. I hope you find a good balance for you.

May your Friday go okay Ez.

Indisposed

I wish I could focus all this energy into myself, and knock these thoughts of her out of my head. I should be mad at this point, but still think I'm grieving and sad/disappointed more than anything.

I'm the same way as you. I enjoy being alone, unless I'm in my own head about something negative then it's overwhelming. I also force myself to do things when lately all I've wanted to do was stay in bed and not face life. I never thought this would affect me so strongly, but I'm not shocked that it did because I was running empty on fumes before it happened.

Thank you for the well wishes, and I hope you have a great Friday/weekend as well!

dandylion

My idea of "failure just waiting to happen----The girl crossing the meadow, thinking that the bull won't gore her, because she is vegan"

Indisposed

Lol, yup pretty much. No one is owned anything for treating someone well either. Should they get the same in return? Of course.

I wish dealing with addicts/alcoholics didn't attach a person so much. I understand how people have enough, and can't do it but wow is the attachment/sadness overbearing to deal with.

trailmix

How are you doing Ez?

Indisposed

I'm doing OK. It was 3 weeks of no contact yesterday, and I had a really bad inner struggle today with resisting contact.

I know it would be no point to contact her while this rehab fling is going on, so I think knowing it's still going on is helping me not contact her. If she was single, I probably would've caved in by now and asked questions lol.

Still feels like I'm in a bad nightmare, but I haven't cried in over a week so I guess that's progress?

Thank you for asking and checking up on me.

trailmix

It is progress. Still hurts but perhaps not quite as much. Yes, I can see how her having the fling with the felon would make you not want to actually contact her.

Also, since you know basically where she is and what she's up to, you know she has nothing to offer that you would want to hear.

Indisposed

Yeah, I just wish I was in more of the mad stage at this point. Knowing she's still there for another 2 months and 2 hours away has made it a little easier not to contact her.

There is just an inner battle in my head every day wanting to reach out, but I won't no matter how hard it gets. Her birthday is December 27th, and I think that is going to be a big test for me. Part of still wants to wish her a Happy Birthday, but the other half says "what is wrong with you? She doesn't deserve that" lol.

I think I just have to keep reminding myself that if she wanted to talk, she would reach out to me. She knows I'm not the type to hold grudges, and I would pick up to at least hear her out.

Just trying to stay focused on myself in the meantime, but it's still a very big struggle.

Bekindalways

Ez, one thing that is often recommended to Alcoholics seeking sobriety is to make a plan. This good advice for us codies too. As you know that Christmas and her birthday will be tough, plan what you will do those days. Maybe check in here and post every hour on the hour, find some athletic event to do, visit an aging relative, read a chapter of a book on codependency, find a recipe for a super healthy meal and make it for yourself . . . that kind of thing.

Hmmm . . . . I myself struggle with self care too so I hope I don't come across pedantic and judgmental.

Man oh man is it hard. I went back to my qualifier multiple times.

Let us know how today went and if you think about her all day and long to contact her, know that is pretty normal for folks in the Codie Club.

Indisposed

That doesn't come off as judgmental at all, no worries. I don't have much family left besides my parents and sister who I see very often. I'm going to try to stay busy during the holidays by working and just being preoccupied by other things like things that make me laugh, or maybe sports.

The no contact thing I thought would be a little easier, especially considering the way she left it being remorseful and without any care for my well being.

Why do I still want to wish her a Happy Birthday? I understand I'm codependent, but just don't see why I'm so eager to want to hear from her? Every day I'm waking up expecting her to apologize or that every text I get is from her. I really hate this feeling.

dandylion

Ez...do you realize that you are in the Grieving Process? Do you realiize that this is standard stuff to be feeling at this stage of the grieving?
I think that it is reasonable and helpful to be able to stte how you are feeling---that helps. Bfit, I think it isvery unreasonable to keep asking Why you re having these feelings. This is how we humans are wired to grieve losses. Perhaps you are just making retorical statements??
You could commit yourself to intense study for the rest of your life to answer the biology of how and why humans became wired to feel the way they do when experiencing grief.

velma929

I know you don't see this yet, but going her own way may be a blessing.

One day, I pulled into our parking lot, and someone was in my assigned space. It kind of IS a big deal, because I've parked in someone else's space before and he or she vandalized my car. But whatever, I snuggled my car into a space I hoped no one else wanted.

Two hours later, the mail carrier came by, and said cars were 'practically floating away' in the parking lot. Full moon, heavy rains, rising tide, and winds from the northeast had coincided and yep, the parking lot (next to the Atlantic Ocean) was flooded. Tide was going out at that moment, and I looked sadly at my car with the water kissing the underside and nearly cried, as I'd made the final payment about one month before. My boss (wise man that he is) suggested I call the auto insurance company right now, to let them know. What she told me was not reassuring. I wouldn't notice the damage right away. It would be a few days before the salt water corroded my wiring. Call back, oh around Monday.

Kissing the underside was not so bad. There was no lasting damage to my car. Had I parked in my usual space, one foot (or more) closer to sea level, my car would have been totaled. The woman who took my spot was out assessing the damage the same time I was. The water wasin her engine compartment, halfway up her doors. I didn't say anything to her, but she saved me thousands.

The end of a relationship is much like a death. It kind of IS the death of a dream. And even if it was dysfunctional, we miss the companionship.

Indisposed

Yeah, I know it's normal to feel this way during the grieving stage, and you're right - I do miss the companionship. I wish I was still able to hear about her day, how her recovery is doing, and share my day with her. It kills me knowing that she is doing that with someone else, and her recovery has that infamous "pink cloud" over it right now. I was always her voice of reason when she had terrible thoughts, or wasn't thinking right.

I just read stories on here and there are times where people get an apology from their ex or significant other for how they treated them, or even cheating on them. Not saying it would fix anything, but hearing more than "sorry it had to be this way" in a text would probably make me feel a lot better as a person. It just came off so insincere, and cliche to someone who did EVERYTHING for her. Even a simple "please take care of yourself" would've meant something to me.

Being codependent - I'm stuck blaming myself thinking that my actions forced her into the arms of someone else. I know that's wrong, and she made that choice (in a very shady way), but I keep wondering what I could've done differently in this whole situation. I wish I read up on how to treat a partner while in rehab, and learned not to make things about your relationship. That's where my guilt comes from - I didn't research addiction and alcoholism enough. I thought I could handle it.

This no contact stuff is really testing my patience, and I'm mustering all the strength I have every day not to reach out. Everyone tells me not too (including myself). If anyone is going to reach out, it should be her. There has to be a small bit of guilt on her end, but maybe not. I have a hard time coming to grips that I was this blinded about her for 6 years. I blamed the mental illness/addiction, but failed to see who she really was. I never would've imagined she would treat me the same way, but I should have known better.

I also think it's weird that they are so secretive about their fling on facebook because everyone they are in rehab with are friends with them on Facebook, but not Instagram. She still has our photos on Facebook too, which makes me hold on hope for dumb reasons. I know they are being secretive because someone from rehab could nark on them, but still it's like she's getting off on doing this behind people's backs. The more and more reason to believe she isn't taking her recovery serious. It's just overall so disappointing because if she goes back to alcohol and drugs, she's going to hurt herself, someone else, or get thrown in jail. I still want the best for her, regardless of how she treated me.

I know - concentrate on myself. I'm trying but this is so difficult. Here we are 3 weeks later, and while it has gotten better - I'm still stuck.

SparkleKitty

EZ, I can't tell you how little this kind of thinking serves you.

You have no idea what she is doing or feeling. Not one clue. Fantasizing that she is getting healthy and sharing it with someone else is just self-torture. She's the same person with someone else than she was with you. We don't meet some fantastical "right person" and magically become well and functional. We have to become well and functional before we can recognize ANYONE as the right or wrong person for us, and build relationships that are meaningful and fulfilling.

As for being her "voice of reason" when she "isn't thinking right", that's an illusion, too. You were never that powerful. And you don't get to judge what is right for someone else. None of us do. Stick to what is right for you, and you alone, and you will find your way out of this.

Indisposed

You're right - I keep trying to tell myself that all her problems are now someone's elses to worry about, not mine. That, and I didn't want this broken version of herself. I guess my thinking was more of a best case scenario type thing, but again I'm giving her way too much credit. Thank you for pointing that out.

You're also right about the voice of reason thing. I meant more so in when she was making bad life choices, not going to the doctor or taking her medication because she didn't "like the way it made her feel." I know I was hardly her voice of reason when it came to addiction because she tried hiding it and lying about it. Her voice is reason has always been herself, case and point.

Sorry I'm just venting and using my responses as an electronic journal type thing. Sometimes I'll read a reply I make, and wish I could delete some things I say but this forum only lets you when you have the last reply.

Beachn

EZ,

Many of us could only wish we weren’t married to our qualifiers and that they dumped us long before the glimmer in our eyes became little humans.

I read your posts and I get frustrated reading you wax nostalgic about someone that abused you for so long. I realize I did the same ****. I want to take you to few women AA leads to wake you the hell up.

Instead I’ll share this.

My wife relapsed on Friday. The details suck. I lost count at how many that is now in the last 3 years but it’s well passed the enough point.

I inject this here to reiterate that recovery takes YEARS and there is no guarantee at all. I think the figure is less than 20% of all alcoholics get and stay in recovery. Dismal odds.

You are missing the big picture. You know that scene in Fight Club were Tyler puts a gun to Raymond the clerks head? You should be feeling like Tyler said he would after that effed up scene. Grateful you got out alive while still young.

There is enough heartache on this board to dissuade anyone that cares to look that getting with, staying with an alcoholic that’s not in long term recovery is a bad idea. torturing themselves due to an alcoholics actions is even worse.

Death and destruction await the untreated alcoholic, your ex included and yet you’re mad you failed at being Captain Save a Ho. No one can save her that’s what you’re not getting. It’s on her. Replacement sure as hell isn’t. Wise up young man and get on with your life. You’re free for ***** sake.

Indisposed

Double post

Indisposed

While I don't appreciate you calling my ex a "ho", I do what you're trying to say.

I understand no one can save her but herself, and that her chances at recovery are slim dealing with a new rehab that she's using as a distraction. I see the bigger picture, no matter if you think I do or not.

Look - I have regrets about how I'm handled certain things in my relationship, and in no way am I blaming myself for what happened. I'm also not trying to torture myself by bringing up my feelings or how my grieving process is going. I'm simply using this as an outlet to gain perspective on all avenues of addiction, infidelity, and all of the above.

I understand your frustration with your wife, and I'm sorry that she relapsed. I'm sure people look at my story, and think I have an easy out because I have no kids and wasn't married. I am thankful for those things because it does make it a little easier.

Bekindalways

Hey Ez, like you I had the "easy out" as we didn't live together and no kids. Still it was one of the hardest things that I have ever done.

Yes you may be codependent (at least from what I can tell); however you are also grieving and that just comes with lots of pain. There was a book How to Survive the Loss of a Love that I read over and over when I was grieving the loss of my qualifier. It is the best thing I have ever found on grief. It is a quick easy read. Reading the entire thing might take some 45 minutes as it is that short.

Beachn mentioned as one point that it was a waste of time to try to figure out addicts and their motives. Logically he is probably right; however, the human psyche seems to need to take this fruitless route for awhile in the process of recovery. However non-productive such thinking it is natural to do this.

It sounds like you have some good plans for the holidays.

Keep posting, venting and even letting us know what codependent spiral your brain is going through. This is realistically where you should be after 3 weeks.