choublak

My alcoholic ex’s delusional concept of love was that when you get into a relationship with somebody, you love everything about them and you think all of their bad habits are cute, and if/when you no longer think that, you break up with them.

Who thinks like that and where do they get it from?

trailmix

Narcissists think like that or perhaps more accurately are like that. Create an illusion that you are perfect, then as the shine wears off and oops you are a normal person and aren't actually perfect (and more importantly don't think they are), time to move on.

Narcissistic thinking, or need, is to want to serve their own ego, when you no longer serve their ego, they are out. This doesn't mean there is actually anything wrong or not good about you at all, it's all their perception and how they are feeling and how everything serves them, nothing to do with you personally.

Where do they get it from? Well that's a big question, with more than one answer.

choublak

So that’s how he “just got tired” of me after about 6 years of a relationship.

PeacefulWater12

I also think it appears to be how a narc sees things. Adore at first then discard when the shine or novelty wears off.

choublak

Over the course of 6 years though? I agree with you, it’s just that 6 years seems kind of long.

trailmix

I think that depends on the individual. I'm sure some can maintain that for years (think alcoholics that hide their drinking for years, putting on a front).

sage1969

With narcissists, it seems like the novelty wears off when you stop playing the game the way they want you to play. Perhaps in these last six years, you've grown tired of the treatment you've received and started to assert your boundaries again, bit by bit?

choublak

That was kind of hard to see because it was blurred by alcoholism, but it was like, towards the end of the relationship, he had stopped drinking (but didn’t really work a recovery program) and decided that he’d had enough of my behavior (even though his behavior had been much worse than mine at times).

velma929

I'd ask if you were dating my old BF, but I'm probably old enough to be your grandmother.
At the end of our relationship, he told me he could never commit to a woman with morals so low that she'd live with someone before marriage. When I reminded him he'd told me three years before he'd never marry someone he hadn't lived with he said, "I changed my mind."

edoering

If he’s miserable about being sober, it might be easier for his brain to blame you rather than admit the alcoholism has a deeper hold on him than he thought.

Also, the alcoholism will fight back when someone quits. Without a lot of internal work (either through therapy, recovery programs, inner desire to heal, professional help, all of the above, or more!) the alcoholism will just find a way to get a person drinking again, and doesn’t mind if it has to wait a bit. All it has to do is whisper in your husband’s ear that it wasn’t the alcohol that was the problem, it was you and your behavior! And once you’re gone, the alcohol can whisper how he doesn’t have to be sober anymore, he’s got nothing to prove, wouldn’t it be better if he was drinking again? Imagine how much easier it’ll be for him to relapse once you’re gone. Sometimes alcoholics subconsciously set the stages for their own relapse if they aren’t actively pursuing recovery in all its layers.

choublak

We had gone to Cabo San Lucas for my brother’s wedding, he stayed sober through the whole time (like, a week) we were there, and then a couple of weeks later broke it off with me because of “my” behavior. There was a grain of truth in that because my mother and I were at each other’s throats at the time so I wasn’t exactly on my best behavior then. Thank you for your explanation, it helps a lot.

Freshstart1111

I was with my narc/alcoholic for over 20 years. As long as I didn’t “really” put my foot down about the drinking, then he was fine. I didn’t understand boundaries so for most of the 20+ years there really weren’t any. Maybe he tired of me at some point because I was on him about his drinking but as a narc, he found plenty of other places to get his narcissistic supply (work, kids he coached, the parents of the kids he coached, his drinking buddies who he said looked to him for advice, his affair or maybe more than one, not sure). So he was getting his supply from people other than me, so he really had discarded me like narcs do. He just didn’t leave me because we had a family and on the outside we looked like a great family. And that’s part of the narc mask/facade. It went on for years until the drinking wore me down, the resentment built and built, and I finally figured out his affair. So it really isn’t the length of time. It is what’s going on with what he was getting from you (adoration) but then no longer was.

choublak

How do most couples not “get tired” of each other?

choublak

He tried telling me he had already fixed his issues (because he wasn’t drinking anymore/at the time) and that I needed to fix mine.

sage1969

So, although I'd generally agree that no one of us is perfect and we all have work to do, for him to say this to you, he is projecting. He is projecting his behaviors onto you, and then accusing you of behaving in that way. This is a really big red flag, in my opinion.

edoering

Trailmix sent me the link to this article early on and it helped SO MUCH. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

Of course he tries to tell you that! He probably really wants to believe he’s “over his problem”. Like a little kid swearing up and down they didn’t break the lamp when you saw them do it. And if he can make you believe he doesn’t have a problem, well then maybe he really doesn’t, you know? He wants you to validate what he wishes was true.

He wants his problems to be everyone else’s fault and not his, because he doesn’t want to deal with them. When my XAH was clean/sober, he used to tell me “addicts don’t want to grow up. Everything is everyone else’s fault, never their own. And if you don’t agree with them, they’ll isolate away from you.”

advbike

This is an important point. It is human nature that sometimes couples do "tire" of each other even without narcissism or alcoholism in the picture. It is not uncommon at all, especially if the relationship was based mostly on physical attraction and not compatibility of other factors like shared background, goals and values. Once those early hormones start to wear off sometimes people realize the relationship isn't right, and some try and fix it, others grow apart.

Love is a verb really, and requires nurturing and constant attention.

Eauchiche

I am seeing this pattern develop in a friend. By the way, every time I sit with him at a meal, he has a drink in front of him.....

choublak

I know my ex got tired of me because once he stopped drinking, he wanted to play volleyball all. the. time. He found a volleyball meetup group and wanted to go to all of their meetups. Like whenever he wasn’t working, he wanted to play volleyball. Now I don’t mind playing volleyball, but 7 pm to sometimes 11 pm at night is too much for me. But he wanted to play until everyone else had left. I tried to compromise and said how about we play for two hours instead of four hours? Which he said no to. So I would go to the volleyball meetups with him, and sometimes I would take breaks from the volleyball games and play on my phone. He got annoyed with me for doing that and would kind of verbally bully me about that. He spun the narrative to make it seem like I was being antisocial, like I was the problem. He felt contempt towards me for not being as into volleyball as he was. I think I’ll make another thread about this issue.

edoering

Sometimes, when addicts are trying to shake a alcohol/substances but haven’t worked through the underlying issues, they’ll substitute a different addiction in place. Running is a common example, or shopping, anything really—volleyball is no different. Something that can take their mind off themselves.

So maybe your partner didn’t get tired of you, but just can’t handle being alone with themselves and their own struggles. Maybe at one point you were the distraction from their own demons, but at some point, the distraction doesn’t work anymore and the dissatisfaction sets back in. Point is, it’s not personal even though it affects you personally, you know? It’s no reflection on you and how interesting or wonderful or loving you are. What a good partner you are. It’s a reflection on their need to avoid and distract.