choublak

I can see that now. The fact that some of the addictions aren’t inherently bad on the surface (volleyball and running) is what confused me.

trailmix

Yes you've heard of a runner's "high", he probably gets a great feeling from all that exercise (and yes 4 hours of volleyball is a lot!)

choublak

It is a lot, but apparently enough people enjoy playing it for that long, to form a group around it. To be fair, there was a 15-minute “snack break” after the first two hours, but still.

And why did it bother him so much if I didn’t play for the whole time?

trailmix

Good question, I don't know, at a guess maybe it bothered him that it might be bothering you, you know what I mean. If you ask him why can't you only play 2 hours when he "needs" 4, well that's kind of a threat to his new addiction!

Like you were the problem.

This all so much like alcohol addiction. Do you see that in him too?

He doesn't sound like great relationship material?

choublak

He’s not great relationship material. That’s why he’s my ex.

choublak

Every Monday and Thursday night no less. But I mean there’s a whole group of people who does it, so in that context I did kind of feel like the antisocial one.

edoering

There’s also a whole group of people who think the Earth is flat and form groups around that.

I think you know that in a healthy relationship there is room for people to even have very serious commitments/hobbies/careers not shared by their partner, without resentments or issues. Sometimes, however, the codependent patterns that can arise in a relationship with an addict make it hard to comfortably spend time apart. So if he wants to do what he wants to do, but only feels comfortable doing it with you around, or wants your buy-in so he can feel that all that time spent on his new hobby doesn’t bother you…then he’s going to pressure you to like what he likes and do what he does.

choublak

That’s a codependent pattern?

Yeah, he always had to have me around and yet he’d also had enough of my behavior.

Anaya

Best wishes to choublak. I would guess it is best to be on guard and to set and keep boundaries in place. In my experience, self-care is invaluable.

Otherwise, re: this copied from Freshstart1111 post:
I wholeheartedly agree with those statements from Freshstart1111.

It took me many years before I had all of the puzzle pieces to put together to get the picture of what the heck was going on with the disconcerting behavior of my spouse. And it took time to get back on my feet after the stark realization, the shock and the betrayal I felt.

choublak

It was like one day all of a sudden, “okay well you don’t like volleyball and hiking as much as I do so we need to break up over that even though we’ve been together for six years, I’m tired of you so bye.” Other people on the outside might think we broke up because we didn’t have those things in common; truth is I wouldn’t mind doing those types of activities, just not all day every day. But of course it made him look good because “he’s doing healthy activities instead of drinking” and if I protested at all, I’d look like the bad guy.

I don’t want to get back with my ex ever. My issue is more with how all of this happened and I didn’t really have any support, even my family acted like everything was my fault.

sage1969

Though it takes two peoples' choices in a relationship and both people hold responsibility for their words and actions, you can assume that it's BS that everything was your fault.

Don't ever go there.

Spend time with people who do offer support. Gently let go of or place at arm's length people who don't offer support, including family.

For whichever reasons, people who wind up with alcoholics and addicts are often people with codependent tendencies and insecure / anxious attachment styles, and these are usually a result of how we developed as children, i.e., it's interdependent on your family of origin dynamics when you were growing up.

So as to how all this happened (and why many of us wind up in these crazy, dysfunctional relationships), you might do some self work around codependency and attachment style.

What is also helpful is understanding the difference between love and what we sometimes create in our minds but isn't really based in reality; our fairy - tale, happily - ever - after, Hollywood based culture does not help at all. I posted an article about this that really helped me see how I was not being selective enough when choosing a person to love, ignoring red flags, and filling in gaps with my internal landscape instead of facts of who the other person really was. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...limerence.html (love or limerence?)

mp315

That's a great article sage. Thank you!

choublak

Can you please elaborate on this? It this a codependent pattern? Is it typical of alcoholics? How exactly is it codependency?

choublak

They bought into the narrative that he broke up with me because I don’t “do stuff” (read: go out and be social) and that I’m not social enough. Which isn’t really true, although I am an introvert.

sage1969

It becomes codependency whenever you enable a behavior. So basically, he's substituted the manic exercise sessions for the "runner's high" as a substitute for drinking (substituting one drug for another is very common behavior for addicts), and he wants you to enthusiastically enable the behavior by supporting and participating (like going out and being his drinking buddy, except now it's endorphins, not alcohol).

They may always side with him. There's no understanding family dynamics sometimes. My deceased AHs family blamed me when he completed suicide, though I was d*** lucky that he didn't take me with him, and they cut off all contact with me. Obviously it was his choice, but they blamed me regardless.

Sometimes it's best to just let it and them go. You know the truth, and you know who you are. You have to live with you, not them, so who you are and are you happy living with you is really all you should worry about.

choublak

Not HIS family. My mother said that stuff.

trailmix

"Signs of codependency include:
.

• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem".

Does this sound like him? Certainly you failed in the last two items. He looked to you for approval and your lack of wanting to play non-stop volleyball indicated it wasn't important to you and therefore it lost some of its value to him and certainly didn't help build his low self-esteem.

Why your Mother would say something to you like that - I don't know, but what I do know is the comment wasn't helpful. How is your self esteem?

edoering

Codependency can be fairly layered and can show up in different ways for different people. To start, I recommend finding either the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie or “Facing Codepedence” by Pia Mellody. (I summarized some of the points of “Facing Codependence” in this post: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ependence.html (Some Less Commonly Talked About Symptoms of Codependence))

One big sign of codependency is not having a healthy sense of self and not having healthy boundaries. This can look like believing two partners need to do everything together to be happy, or always putting the partner’s needs above your own, or needing the other person’s approval and validation to feel comfortable that you are doing the right thing. And those are just some of the most obvious ways. However, I really recommend reading one of those books (or audio tape!) because there’s a lot more too it than that.

An example of a healthy boundary is saying “I’m happy for you that you love volleyball! I am only going to spend X-amount of time a week on volleyball. But you are welcome to do what feels right to you.” You are only playing as much as is good for you, and you aren’t trying to control your partner’s choices. A healthy partner will likewise play as much as is good for them, and won’t try to make you play more/control you. You are both comfortable enough in yourselves and the relationship to have no issues not spending that time together, and you enjoy the rest of the time you do spend together.

Situations where partners need enabling or validation from the other, or where there is a need to control/change/manipulate the other can be examples of codependent tendencies.

sage1969

What horrible things to hear from your own mother. I'm sorry that was said to you.

It is ok for you to keep your family members at arm's length also, if they are not acting in a loving or kind way to you. It is your choice always how you want to spend your time, what lifestyle you want to live. What matters is that you choose what makes you happy.

choublak

Who lives and breathes volleyball though, apart from people who want to play in the Olympics?