LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys... Gosh the last 3 days seem to be a spiral ....Ever since I had that bad date on Monday with the guy that drank 2 bottles of wine ... I have been spinning. I went off on my exAH today. Everything I said was valid... But I feel vulnerable so so vulnerable... I sent him a journal entry I had in my email thread around 7 months ago when we were still "trying to make our marriage work"... I am feeling raw again... I think the combo of his recent blame of my boundaries being the cause of our divorce, dating a guy who was drunk and today something came in the mail that was super important and his response was "thanks for telling me girly" which was annoying to me... Either way I am incredibly sensitive right now again. I told him to please not text me anymore ... Can't this be over ... so soon I know... It makes me never want to get married again. This is what was in my journal that I sent ....

"I thought I would start a journal to write my thoughts and feelings down. One day I hope that you can read them with a clear mind and open heart. So much of me wants to write about the past. The past hurt... The past pain. The feeling of always being in your ex wifes , shadow because if we are being honest the first huge chunk of our relationship was living in her shadow. I don't know if you even realize how that made me feel. I don't think you can understand someone loving you so much that living in your ex life all the time when I already had committed to you was more difficult and painful than I can ever describe to you in words. There is so much there. So much damage and so much hurt. All things I was wanting to and willing to overcome but you didn't want any part of hearing it. You made me believe I was not worth my version of events and my story. Basically my life seemed invalid to you. Combined that with your constant drinking and this has been the most anxiety filled time in my life. There is so much to write on this but I will talk for today about today.

Today I woke up with a heavy heart. A heart you say "is just looking for trouble"..."just looking for something to be mad at"... That is so wrong ... what ever happened to a man who wants to hear his wife’s thoughts and comfort her if she had a heavy heart?…I don't know if you will ever understand that I just want to live in a world where you are not drunk and I don't know the level of chaos and **** that will bring. I am not looking for trouble...I am simply overwhelmed and sick and tired of being overwhelmed. It is total crap how you can't take accountability... because whether or not I/we like it we are tied to one another. Your decisions affect me.... they affect me emotionally and financially. The only way this ever works is if I just shut up, keep working my ass off, power through and don't have an opinion, need, want or feeling about anything. I feel less than human in your eyes. You say you know you are dicky and dismissive to me when you drink... you say you know things have to change... you say I don't deserve this but you do it over and over and over again. You saying you want to stop drinking, that you can't do it anymore and that you want a better life and you want that with me gives me hope.


And this is the part that makes me cry... from the most vulnerable and scared place in me........

This week I was so hopeful. You seemed to have woken up and understood. This week was amazing. Not one single argument. When you kissed me you were so present and it was awesome. My sexual attraction was coming back... you didn't snore from passing out, you didn't smell like alcohol when we talked....you even told me you understood with Mikes wife had left him for drinking... and it was good she did. I loved being around you. I felt our connection and chemistry coming back and the best part was you were kind and patient... We even worked out together which was so fun and I felt like I had a partner... Like a real partner... but as soon as Saturday hit you wanted to drink again... your energy changed towards me... you became irritable and dismissive... It was like I got you for 5 days and then you were gone again... since then you have been drinking. Today is day 3. You expect this to have no effect on me... you expect me to be so strong. I ask myself how your expectations for me can be so high yet for everyone else you seem to have none. It makes me feel crappy.... I am sitting here trying not to take this personal. Trying to callobrate. I feel at the end of my rope yet again.... looking for an exit plan yet again. Is this going to be my whole life? Being so in love with you that I believe your promises...getting my hopes up and then getting bummed all over again when I realize non of what we talked about mattered. Because whether you realize it or not you have spent years blowing smoke up my ass... I don't think you have meant to but you have. Then after you go on your binges I am left with the fun thoughts of "where should i go now"..."I know I can't live with someone who drinks like this"... "This is going to hurt like hell but I gotta try something"..."I need to keep a smile on your face cause if he senses you are hurt it will get ugly".... I am once again forming an exit plan...
....
today is day 2 of my journal. I feel a bit more centered today. I hate how much alcohol has consumed our marriage. I hate you alcohol. I went on a walk this morning in the park. I cried. I thought about the first 6 months we knew each other. How you made me feel on top of the world.

Day 3… I went to my dads for dinner last night after work. I made a decision yesterday to let it all go. To not fight about anything anymore. I feel broken down. If I were to say how much feeling you would just invalidate it anyway. Our relationship has gone from you being loving and caring … to you not caring about anything … to now actually actively saying things that make me feel silly for having feelings or opinions. Your phone went off at 5 am this morning. I went to put it on silent and it was your ex wife. I was tempted to look at your guys messages but I didn’t. I know nothing about your relationship with her and the level of distrust and uncomfortable feelings I have towards it is beyond what I can explain. I did see the one that came up and it was asking you to take the kids to see her brother that’s just got out of jail. The nerve of her. She steals your babies and now she wants you to use your time with them to go see her brother in jail. You would never say that. You don’t hold her to the standards you hold me to what so ever. She can literally get away with murder. Meanwhile in our household if I have an opinion it’s “too much”… oh but for her she can do anything and you will never go off. Nor will you ever say “let me talk to their step mom and see what see thinks”…” oh and PS please don’t text us at 5am you woke my wife up”…. Those 2 things wouldn’t be rude to say. It would simply be respecting your wife and the role i play In you and the kids life. The sad part is you will never even tell me that she texted. You will never ask my opinion. After all, I’m only the kids step mom when it works for you… when they need a place to stay when they are here. I’ve only been allowed the inconvenience part… I’ve never stood a chance at actually being a decision making person in their life. Which brings me to the first paragraph of this journal. You always had a way to make things better regarding your ex wife. You made a huge mess of that situation with your feelings for her and you have since refused to see things from my point of view. You haven’t respected or protected me with regards to your ex wife. Instead you put it on me… that I’m insecure. It’s a joke really. If I was sooooo insecure I couldn’t even have been in this situation to begin with… The truth is you fractured the trust and you never wanted to do the work to make it better. You used tactics of threats to not think we were meant to be if I didn’t shut the **** up about it. So I conceited and was left feeling alone. You didn’t care how I felt though. You simply were happy I could play the role you needed me to… my actual progress as a human didn’t matter to you. Is today the day I go. Not yet I say to myself. You treat me like I’m less than human when the kids are here. It’s like you take out your pain and your anger on me instead of your ex wife. You look at me with this dissatisfaction that I’m not their mom and it sucks. I just can’t take it anymore . I deserve to be loved. I deserve to not live in someone’s shadow… I did all the things .... I dated you even though you were messy as ****. After only 4 months of being with you the kids started staying with us and have ever since. I’ve opened up our home and my heart and my wallet to the kids. I moved with you to a place I hated so that you could build a relationship with them again and guess what it worked. Do you think that you would even be near as close to them if we hadn’t made that move? You had said to me on several occasions that you wouldn’t have been able to do it on your own… yet if I bring it up you say “what do you want a medal”… your ex wife says “what do you want a cookie?”… the level of crassness of that is gross. When did you guys become so gross in thinking someone else’s life outside your chaos doesnt matter? When you have been a wreck and drunk I have held a lot of the responsibilities of our household on my shoulders alone. You Haven’t cared. Instead you say “oh you think you are so great?”… so it’s not that I even have been great to you and you don’t see it … NOW I’m actually getting rude comments for it. Today I’m clearly angry and scared. I won’t tell you because there is no point in telling you… you won’t care.

I wrote this about 3 months before he left but never sent it

I am spinning guys... If any of you have read my stories and something stands out that will help pull me out of this scared and spinning space please point it out... I really need tough love right now and reminders that he was a **** head ... I am allowing myself to get into the "he is dating someone new and its is better" headspace.... I need to be pulled out

California123

Not to be blunt, but you just have to make the conscious choice to let it all go. It's hard for sure. You can't change the past, decisions you've made, the way you've been treated, etc. Again It's hard, but it's also very easy. You just have to committ to that line of thinking. I've been in your shoes (twice!) and both times, after a mental struggle similar to yours, I decided to let it go. And away it went. Never fully, but very much enough. Yesterday means nothing, today and tomorrow are all that matter. The future is always bright, just takes time to get there.

LovelyKaya33333

I appreciate the bluntness... I need it... II made that choice 5 months ago and for 5 hard but somewhat peaceful weeks I had him blocked. I had to deal with logistical issues and thought I was strong enough to have limited contact until our divorce was finalized and tax stuff was handled... but it turned into other conversations that I know were human nature but sure as heck did not serve me. "Yesterday means nothing, today and tomorrow are all that matter"... this will be my new mantra. Thank you

trailmix

Sorry you're feeling so badly Kaya. You know, you keep giving of yourself to him even now, as you did before. I would guess that when you were married you kept hoping he would one day have an "epiphany" and wake up to what he was doing. Well I suppose it could have happened, as is mentioned here sometimes though, how long do you wait for that? Had he stayed you probably would have been stuck in that relationship for many more years or until you just couldn't take it anymore. You are right, he didn't understand or want to see what you had to say - at all - and that also makes me wonder how long he had been divorced before you two started dating?

I ask because I don't think he was over that. That's not to say he was still in loooooove with her, just that he hadn't separated emotionally from her, even if those emotions weren't all nice and lovely (they divorced for a reason). Attachment is different for different people, as you know.

Add his alcoholism on top of that and yes, it's hell for you.

So he takes off and doesn't even give you the chance to get to the point where you didn't give a **** about him (which you would have reached eventually, even if that was 10 years from now) because while you were hopeful, he wasn't going to change, he's got lots of issues. You didn't give up on him - he gave up on him being in a relationship.

No, he isn't dating anyone sitting on a beach drinking marguerites. If he finds someone it will have to be someone that accepts him just the way he is.

So then you have small conversations with him and he says something like, I still love you - and all those hopeful feelings come up and you feel good for a few minutes as he speaks until he gets to the BUT - where he takes responsibility for nothing, can't listen to any of your truths and basically holds his pity party.

So what you are doing is reliving that same hurt - hope - dismissal - disappointment in mini-form, over and over again.

As for Mr. Datedrunk, it's also a throw back to those feelings in some ways - meet him, form a bit of an attachment - hope - major disappointment with drinking involved which is oh so raw still.

And that is why people here so often say don't date for a while. Not because you don't know your own mind, not because you haven't learned a lot and not because you don't have good judgement but because you are so vulnerable right now, your defenses to hurt are low, you should be coddling yourself a bit, not throwing yourself out in to the very brutal world of dating perhaps.

Acceptance. Your ex is not the man you thought he was initially. The man today is mean and he is also an alcoholic. That's him. I think you still hold out hope (that's pretty normal) but the more you really accept who he is and how hurtful he is to you, the less you will care, the less you will hope, the less you will want to hope because you won't want him anymore.

LovelyKaya33333

Trailmix.... I totally agree... I need to just be done... I was doing better when I was NO contact. I am doing that again. Starting today...
Oh and to answer your question he told me they had been apart for almost a year when we met... he lied it was 4 months

edoering

Sometimes, when our brain needs a little convincing to let something go, I’ll do physical things to help me feel like I’m doing something instead of stuck in limbo! We know grief and acceptance take their own time, so it is limbo, but sometimes I like to “trick” myself with little ceremonies or rituals (I think humans do well with things like that, part of why we have holidays or partied for major life events!)

Sometimes, I’ll write stuff down that I’m ready to release from my life, read it aloud, reflect on it, then burn it! (Safely, of course). Then I throw the ashes out on the wind, or down the drain, or plant in the ground, and announce to myself and the world that I am releasing those things from my life the same way I release the ashes

Sometimes, I tie a cotton string around two candles, and then light them both, and let them burn down to the string where eventually they burn the string. I imagine the string is the cords that still tie me to my old life, old relationships, old people, and that I am cutting the cord and setting us both free.

Sometimes, I just come up with some kind of forgiveness mantra and just repeat it until I feel lighter. Or take a long bath and imagine I’m washing off all the ********! Whatever it takes to help snap my brain out of a bad loop or spiral ❤️

sage1969

I'd really agree that you go no contact again. There's just really no reason to allow access, it just causes more pain.

edoering had a good suggestion, about burning letters or burning the cords, anything symbolic that helps you let go of all these connections. Journaling or writing letters can be helpful, but don't let them outlive their purpose -- if you want to change your story and your life from what it was, you have to let all of it go and not carry it forward into the next part of your life. There's never going to be an understanding of why he did what he did, and understanding all those outrageous things he said and did wouldn't change anything because it's already all in the past.

So go no contact, let all those connections go.

Floating

I'm still hanging out here! It's been 3 months since my xA fiance kicked me out. I am still struggling.
but it's just rose colored memories of could have beens. I broke no contact more than I like to admit. Last time he started with "I miss you" that spiralled in his alcoholic induced rage to screaming at me about how everything was my fault, I was never good enough, he got so petty he even yelled at me that I waste too much time playing Tetris 😂. But it was a shocker what else spilled out, it was absolutely abusive and cruel. He said I was never good enough, I just use him for money(what money I have no idea), I would have been a useless wife etc. And still the next day.. I wanted to call him and make sure he was ok and ask him to get back on the wagon. Thats messed up of me!!

Girl we deserve so much better. As for your date. For me, I had a bad date too, ended up triggering me so bad after it I was trying to call my x. Why? I don't know. Maybe there is an addiction to rejection bc will feed our worst fears about ourselves.
But then I went on a date with someone else (bc I'm faking it till I make it kinda girl). He was so nice! Chivalrous, opened doors, older highschool English teacher. Just a sweetheart with no red flags. Of course I'm not attracted to anyone that's not broken but I'm going out with him again . My first date the guy was terribly high on coke. This is what I attract tho, the guys who live close to the edge or over it . But no more for me please!
​​​​​​
But you know what? After the good second date I wasn't triggered. I was calm. I suggest you try again with someone else. Maybe someone not even your typical type..

Ok now, we need to let go of the past if we want to save our future. We have to keep going forward. Our exes don't care about our journals or feelings except to feed their egos. They do not care. If they cared we would have been apologized to, they would have fought for us. They would have been nice.

Life's too short. I hope you keep going forward Kaya. One step at a time.

velma929

I wonder if that's why he left the way he did: You just refused to give up, so he did.

SparkleKitty

No new contact = No new hurts

ironwill

Hi LK,The date was a big trigger for you. It reminded you so much of your Ex. A path your mind and body knew it didn’t want to go down again. It drained you of all your energy. Then getting mail for him that you knew was important and you were kind and informed him of it. Then he disrespects you with his response. Like everyone is saying. You need to go no contact again. I know it’s not in your nature, you want to be kind and have hope he will see how bad he is treating you. The truth is, he is an alcoholic and that will always be his first love.



You will have bad days like this when all you want to do is go back to bed and hide under the covers. But with each passing day, it will get better. I know it hurts now. There will be other triggers. I still get them. With a lot of focus on myself, I have come to deal with them. Focus on what brings your heart happiness. You have come a long way since that day when he only gave you an hour's notice that he was calling it quits and moving away.



Just give your heart time to heal from all this pain. Take it one day at a time. You are very strong and will get through this.

555Lynn555

Does this really just boil down to closure for you? It appears as if you are replaying and reliving the pain, frustration, and anger over and over again thinking that it might turn out feeling differently. It won't. When someone has deeply hurt us and we reach out to them again (in whatever way) we are really giving them the power to hurt us again. Sometimes it is the only thing we know to do and that is ok if we are prepared for the answers/actions we want and the ones we don't want--but that is rarely the case. I honestly hate the word "closure" because it is almost exclusively used in context of something we get from someone else and that is just untrue. It can only be something we give ourselves and it doesn't look like we understand it all and have some sort of sudden enlightenment--it looks like, well this happened and I deserve better than this so I'm going to work through this pain, mourn this loss, and then pick myself up and carry on wiser and more aware, but with scars.

I know it's hard. I've been here myself more than once. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. It takes time, but it will get better---and some days will be good and some will look like this---and that is ok and human. No contact is great but if you depend upon that as your saving grace, what happens when contact cannot be avoided? No contact is just one of the tools to give you space to do the work that you need to do to heal---kind of like you can't mop up the water in the floor if you don't fix the burst pipe first. Reading all you've said and seeing how unafraid you are to look inward as well as outward, to reach out for support, to walk away no matter how much it hurts, and to be brutally honest with yourself, I know that you will be ok--better in fact. Just keep going and keep remembering that you deserve so much more and you deserve it all as reality--not potential.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for this. I am going to try the letter one

LovelyKaya33333

Yes...No contact is the only way to go....

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you everyone. No contact is the only way out of this. There is nothing to talk about anymore. He doesn't get my point of view. I don't get his...Most importantly he is still actively drinking.... So it will be impossible for him to understand things while in the messed up space. I watched the TV show intervention last night. There was something healing about it...When I saw the disease portrayed in someone outside of the person I was in love with it is eye opening in the sense that I was able to separate the disease from the person. It helped

advbike

I'm sorry, I just have to jump in here. Why is it important for him "to understand things"? It seems you still feel a need to communicate your pain and feelings to him, perhaps in the hope for closure? or possibly a different outcome? or else why would it matter? It won't change who he is or the things he has done to hurt you. I believe at this point you would be best served to just let him go and move on, without ANY contact - whether he is drinking or not. Alcoholics remain messed up for a long time when they quit drinking. It is a very long road to recovery.

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

SparkleKitty

It may always be impossible for him to understand your point of view, whether he continues drinking or not. If you can focus on accepting that, you're halfway to accepting that no one else has to validate your version of events, and that is the only closure you will ever need.

dandylion

Kaya.....I suggest that you go to your former thread and read edoerin's post of 10---19th. Maybe, even print it out and post it on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror. I believe that it speaks to a very, very important concept.
I believe that when we do let someone else define our reality---we are endeavoring to "erase" a part of our own selves.

suki44883

I couldn't agree with this more. I think that is where many of us get stuck...trying to make the addict (or anyone for that matter) understand things. For whatever reason, we feel they need to see our point of view and agree that what they did was wrong; as if we need validation from them before we can feel justified and truly move on. As if that will change anything that happened.

You have made a lot of progress over the past few months, but every time you communicate with him, it throws you right back into the chaotic thinking. A wound won't heal if you keep ripping off the scab. Is there any legitimate reason for you to continue talking to him?

LovelyKaya33333

I think because it has been 5 months that my want for him to understand things is equivalent to wanting justice somehow. As I shift through everything that actually happened in our 7 year relationship I feel a sense of PTSD. I am trying to figure it all out and he was the only one that was there. I watch documentaries often and there was one on abuse and one on murder recently that I watched. The mother of the person that was murdered said " I just want to confront the man who killed my daughter".... Yes, I know it isn't murder and it is not that extreme ...however there is still a part of me trying to understand how and why all this happened. There is the adult version of me that is strong, independent and logical... then there is a little girl in me that is still grieving and trying to find a reason why he left me so I can make it better.... It is not even to be with him. It is only to understand somehow.... I lost a big chunk of my life in this and it still feels raw... so that is why it feels important to come to an understanding about what went down and why our marriage ended.... Every other relationship I have been in has ended without loose ends... sometimes in anger... but for sure with clarity... This is a new thing in terms of not understanding the why..... I don't know exactly why it is important to me... perhaps because someone I shared a bed with for almost 7 years left one day without notice... Saying it has been tough is an understatement .... I am working my ass off to let go... I am just not there yet