His delusional concept of love
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Originally Posted by choublak 
Who lives and breathes volleyball though, apart from people who want to play in the Olympics?
People who are addicted to the feel good chemicals that are released when exercising.
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Originally Posted by choublak
Who lives and breathes volleyball though, apart from people who want to play in the Olympics?
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Originally Posted by edoering
Can I ask why you this has become such a mental sticking point for you? Why do you think that is?
During the time we were together, I let him handle his drinking issues himself. I was never his drinking buddy or participated in drinking. He stayed with me through that. He didn’t pick booze over me, he picked volleyball over me. I understand people succumbing to drug and alcohol addictions, but volleyball? I know it doesn’t matter what the addict is addicted to, but on the other hand, have you ever heard anyone admit that they were powerless over volleyball? Ever seen anyone go on the show Intervention and say they were addicted to volleyball?
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Originally Posted by choublak
Well we all are, so…
He does.
You mention you stayed out of his drinking - this is a different kettle of fish. As is mentioned here often, the person that arrives after they quit drinking is not necessarily the one you were anticipating.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
But we don't all NEED to control others. I don't, generally. But that's me.
He does.
He does.
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Originally Posted by choublak
I guess I never saw that, because he wasn’t like that until the last year or so of the relationship. Maybe he was focused on controlling his drinking before then, and then once he stopped drinking, he became addicted to controlling other people.
When you are with an alcoholic, or any person addicted to a substance that alters how they are, how can you know what their regular personality traits are really or how strong or what might pop up after they put the drink down? You can't. People often think that when someone quits drinking they will get the "best" of them. Well I guess they do, this is probably the "best" of him as he is right now today.
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I’m gonna hazard a guess here based on my own experience of being suddenly abandoned by my husband: it’s a mental sticking point because you’re trying to understand what happened. Why he did what he did. If he’s right and you’re in the “wrong” or you’re right and he did a really ****** thing to you.
But we cannot understand our addict loved ones. Normal break up logic doesn’t work here. There isn’t real logic. There’s no right or wrong, what you have experienced and think and feel about it is valid.
—http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
He is/was not happy with his life and himself, but instead of really facing what and why that is, he’s choosing to blame external circumstances in his life, like his relationship with you. He is going to do everything he can to convince you of his version of events. Because he needs to believe it and he wants you to believe it also. He may never see any other point-of-view.
I was fixated for a while on the “reasons” my husband gave for leaving me—they were all full of lies and it was so confusing. Made me question everything. Until one day it just kind of sank in that it was his mental illness and addiction talking, and it was my job to not internalize all of it. He wasn’t going to stop believing what he believed and doing what he was doing, so I needed to stop waiting for him to agree with me or validate what I knew—that he was spiraling. It wasn’t going to happen. I had to know what was real, and I had to stand by that for myself. That’s what mattered. Trying to “understand” was just torturing myself, and it wasn’t going to change anything. Trying to get him to understand was controlling and not helpful.
It’s common among people who have been in codependent situations to not feel sure in their perceptions of reality. Maybe some parent told them when they were young “no, that’s not how you really feel,” or “stop being such a drama Queen” and taught us we can’t trust our own thoughts and feelings. Maybe an addict partner has thrown us for so many loops we don’t remember what it’s like to stand on solid ground anymore. Either way, we crave external validation of what we think and feel because we don’t believe ourselves on some level.
My guess, you have a bullsh*t radar going OFF that this volleyball is an excuse, a false reason, a cover. You’re probably right. But your family might still not take your side, he may never admit it, and it won’t change anything. Sometimes it feels like if we could understand what really happened we could make sure it doesn’t happen again, or control it/change it, or we would at least feel better because we’d know it’s not our fault. It’s already not your fault. It’s not fair, it doesn’t really make sense, and you deserve better. Just in case you need to hear that. And if in your gut, you know that this doesn’t make sense, you’re probably right. Don’t wait for anyone else to tell you that, go ahead and trust your own instincts.
But we cannot understand our addict loved ones. Normal break up logic doesn’t work here. There isn’t real logic. There’s no right or wrong, what you have experienced and think and feel about it is valid.
First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
He is/was not happy with his life and himself, but instead of really facing what and why that is, he’s choosing to blame external circumstances in his life, like his relationship with you. He is going to do everything he can to convince you of his version of events. Because he needs to believe it and he wants you to believe it also. He may never see any other point-of-view.
I was fixated for a while on the “reasons” my husband gave for leaving me—they were all full of lies and it was so confusing. Made me question everything. Until one day it just kind of sank in that it was his mental illness and addiction talking, and it was my job to not internalize all of it. He wasn’t going to stop believing what he believed and doing what he was doing, so I needed to stop waiting for him to agree with me or validate what I knew—that he was spiraling. It wasn’t going to happen. I had to know what was real, and I had to stand by that for myself. That’s what mattered. Trying to “understand” was just torturing myself, and it wasn’t going to change anything. Trying to get him to understand was controlling and not helpful.
It’s common among people who have been in codependent situations to not feel sure in their perceptions of reality. Maybe some parent told them when they were young “no, that’s not how you really feel,” or “stop being such a drama Queen” and taught us we can’t trust our own thoughts and feelings. Maybe an addict partner has thrown us for so many loops we don’t remember what it’s like to stand on solid ground anymore. Either way, we crave external validation of what we think and feel because we don’t believe ourselves on some level.
My guess, you have a bullsh*t radar going OFF that this volleyball is an excuse, a false reason, a cover. You’re probably right. But your family might still not take your side, he may never admit it, and it won’t change anything. Sometimes it feels like if we could understand what really happened we could make sure it doesn’t happen again, or control it/change it, or we would at least feel better because we’d know it’s not our fault. It’s already not your fault. It’s not fair, it doesn’t really make sense, and you deserve better. Just in case you need to hear that. And if in your gut, you know that this doesn’t make sense, you’re probably right. Don’t wait for anyone else to tell you that, go ahead and trust your own instincts.
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What edoering just posted is ringing true for me in a couple of ways: with all three of my partners who were addicts / alcoholics, it seemed from what they'd said that they'd all started self - medicating as preteens, and that there were underlying mental health diagnoses. From what you've shared, mr volleyball feels to me like there's some definite mental health issues, narcissistic, controlling, and anger issues being glaring red flags.
That you've picked up on this, perhaps subconsciously, is a intuition you should learn to trust going forward. Our society normalises so much, when in reality a lot of what we tolerate is really not ok.
That you've picked up on this, perhaps subconsciously, is a intuition you should learn to trust going forward. Our society normalises so much, when in reality a lot of what we tolerate is really not ok.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
with all three of my partners who were addicts / alcoholics, it seemed from what they'd said that they'd all started self - medicating as preteens, and that there were underlying mental health diagnoses.
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Originally Posted by choublak
I don’t want to get back with my ex ever. My issue is more with how all of this happened and I didn’t really have any support, even my family acted like everything was my fault.
I have those in my family as well -- those who believe(d) the lies and were vulnerable and willing to be puppeted through the manipulations of my spouse.
Fortunately, I have outside support, and I am transcending this mess I got myself into.
ODAT, friend.
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