I feel blue
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In a way he is taking responsiblity slightly - he has said to me and my family that this is all his fault. He said to my dad the other day "i really screwed up and was a real dick" - he is taking full responsibilityfor the breakdown of our marriage.
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Originally Posted by StephEgan 
Idon't like to mope around for long although I'm sure there are MANY more sad days ahead but I need to get a career going again and this is a perfect opportunity for me to get going at something! I'm just waiting on her call I hope she calls and offers it to me!!
I worked for government in climate change for decades and that's what my degree is in but i'm sick of that industry - I randomly got a 6 month job managing a group of pharmacies in Feb and now this Pharmacy seems keen on me so maybe my new career is helping village pharmacies with their business processes and admin - who knows lol!
I worked for government in climate change for decades and that's what my degree is in but i'm sick of that industry - I randomly got a 6 month job managing a group of pharmacies in Feb and now this Pharmacy seems keen on me so maybe my new career is helping village pharmacies with their business processes and admin - who knows lol!
See the difference here? You know what you need to do and even though it might be at a lower rate, you realize this could set you up with great experience to get the next contract. So you go out and do that.
He, is doing, nothing, well except talking. Even what he said to your Dad. What choice does he have except to confess now? Short of walking out the door in a huff, he kind of has to fess up/be humble.
You hadn't told the flight vs boat story before but you are absolutely right, that's exactly what happened.
What your therapist mentioned about self esteem, that this may have been eroded over time without you realizing it. I think that is probably true. When you SO keeps telling you to F-off even, that can be a blow. It shows no care for your feelings. At the very least, I'm sure you question your perceptions and whether they are true or not, after all, most of what he told you were lies.
The thing is, and I firmly believe this, is lies are all on the liar, no reflection on the recipient(s). Some liars see the people they lie to as gullible etc. Not true. If a person is a "good" liar, why would you question them unless you know or find out something to the contrary? His lies, at the time, probably made complete sense.
But yes, it will take you a bit of time to get back on solid ground.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Admitting responsibility is certainly a good first step. But it is just one step in a very, very long journey of recovery, and that is his journey to walk (or not) alone.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I also think this is great, I hope she calls too.
See the difference here? You know what you need to do and even though it might be at a lower rate, you realize this could set you up with great experience to get the next contract. So you go out and do that.
He, is doing, nothing, well except talking. Even what he said to your Dad. What choice does he have except to confess now? Short of walking out the door in a huff, he kind of has to fess up/be humble.
You hadn't told the flight vs boat story before but you are absolutely right, that's exactly what happened.
What your therapist mentioned about self esteem, that this may have been eroded over time without you realizing it. I think that is probably true. When you SO keeps telling you to F-off even, that can be a blow. It shows no care for your feelings. At the very least, I'm sure you question your perceptions and whether they are true or not, after all, most of what he told you were lies.
The thing is, and I firmly believe this, is lies are all on the liar, no reflection on the recipient(s). Some liars see the people they lie to as gullible etc. Not true. If a person is a "good" liar, why would you question them unless you know or find out something to the contrary? His lies, at the time, probably made complete sense.
But yes, it will take you a bit of time to get back on solid ground.
See the difference here? You know what you need to do and even though it might be at a lower rate, you realize this could set you up with great experience to get the next contract. So you go out and do that.
He, is doing, nothing, well except talking. Even what he said to your Dad. What choice does he have except to confess now? Short of walking out the door in a huff, he kind of has to fess up/be humble.
You hadn't told the flight vs boat story before but you are absolutely right, that's exactly what happened.
What your therapist mentioned about self esteem, that this may have been eroded over time without you realizing it. I think that is probably true. When you SO keeps telling you to F-off even, that can be a blow. It shows no care for your feelings. At the very least, I'm sure you question your perceptions and whether they are true or not, after all, most of what he told you were lies.
The thing is, and I firmly believe this, is lies are all on the liar, no reflection on the recipient(s). Some liars see the people they lie to as gullible etc. Not true. If a person is a "good" liar, why would you question them unless you know or find out something to the contrary? His lies, at the time, probably made complete sense.
But yes, it will take you a bit of time to get back on solid ground.
Yes my husband has done similar- he started at the bottom in a new field when he got his work permit in May. He's doing really well at work and was giving a bonus today. He is a hard worker he has always worked fulltime - his paycheque goes into my account actually and I have the bank card. I have A LOT of money in our account and he has no access to it and isn't bothered at all. He takes the bank card as needed to take out cash or buy stuff and I see the transactionscome through. He'll be buying the vodka with the cash and now realising he has made a HUGE mistake and I do think he means this right now. Whether or not he can actually stick to this tho .... that's another story of course!!!!
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Yes, more will be revealed.
You know the story about the frog in the boiling water? You probably do. Sometimes we can be so accustomed to poor treatment over time that we can be like that frog. It happens gradually, a f-off here, a lie there, a smashed plate or a hole in the wall. Eventually it just kind of rolls off your back.
But it all leads to damage to us eventually.
He has told you to f-off. I have been told to f-off too in my life (more than once!) not even in anger and never by a husband. On the few occasions it has happened, I immediately turned around and said - who do you think you are talking to? You don't tell me to f-off. I then want a sincere apology.
What I'm saying is, his treatment of you is not good, no matter how we spin it. The fact that you can let it roll off your back now (somewhat) is part of the dysfunction.
Him having his "conditions" all this time and you centering your time and energy around that (and him his) is really no different than if he had come out of the alcoholism closet sooner, declared he is an alcoholic and acted like an alcoholic does (well he did - but yeah). The only difference is he lied about it. Alcoholism is a condition that affects every single person that comes in to contact with it. Employer, friends, family. The family dynamic centers around it (as you are experiencing right now).
I don't know if you still have your resolve, I hope so. Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG), it takes time away from the tornado to clear that.
You know the story about the frog in the boiling water? You probably do. Sometimes we can be so accustomed to poor treatment over time that we can be like that frog. It happens gradually, a f-off here, a lie there, a smashed plate or a hole in the wall. Eventually it just kind of rolls off your back.
But it all leads to damage to us eventually.
He has told you to f-off. I have been told to f-off too in my life (more than once!) not even in anger and never by a husband. On the few occasions it has happened, I immediately turned around and said - who do you think you are talking to? You don't tell me to f-off. I then want a sincere apology.
What I'm saying is, his treatment of you is not good, no matter how we spin it. The fact that you can let it roll off your back now (somewhat) is part of the dysfunction.
Him having his "conditions" all this time and you centering your time and energy around that (and him his) is really no different than if he had come out of the alcoholism closet sooner, declared he is an alcoholic and acted like an alcoholic does (well he did - but yeah). The only difference is he lied about it. Alcoholism is a condition that affects every single person that comes in to contact with it. Employer, friends, family. The family dynamic centers around it (as you are experiencing right now).
I don't know if you still have your resolve, I hope so. Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG), it takes time away from the tornado to clear that.
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My resolve is weakening - my whole family wants me to give him another chance and he seems to be starting to make these real changes but I'm not sure if I could ever forgive him for all of the lying if I'm honest. I'm tired - I don't want to go through this. Idon't want to be a single mother of a sick child and not be sure about this decision and always look back wondering. I don't want to be married to a liar either. No option is good. I don't think he was drinking as frequently as the stories we are reading - I do think it was really bad but he was getting drunk at very odd times but he isn't drinking at work or anything. The day drinking on the weekend and the lying the hiding vodka all hardtolook past as you all have convinced me how bad it all is and looking back seeing events through this lense is concerning. I'm very confused - I have never seen him like this it isn't part of his normal "cycle" at all but then how do I forgive the past even if he could change moving forward.
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Steph......be careful of falling into the seductive "trap". He knows where your hot buttons and your sweet buttons are---and knows how to push them (all who know us well learn this information).....This is very common and happens when the non-alcoholic starts to make a change in the status quo.
Making a new resume is not the defining problem---alcoholism and leaving you to feel like a single parent seems to be the deal breaking stuff!
Your parents have their own opinions, of course. but they don't live your total experience, day and night---24/7.
I remember one particular member, on this forum. She had a drinking partner. She "kicked him out" on many occassions. Each time, he would suddenly become more loving towards her---and, make her an exquisite piece of furniture----he was a skilled woodworker/ She loved the furniture and it softened her heart, so she let him back into the house, again and again. He even built her acompletely new closet, one time!
However, the thing that he failed to do was to was to address his condition of alcoholism in a serious way.
Making a new resume is not the same thing as attending AA in a serious way. Not a half measure, but a Serious Way.
Making a new resume is not the defining problem---alcoholism and leaving you to feel like a single parent seems to be the deal breaking stuff!
Your parents have their own opinions, of course. but they don't live your total experience, day and night---24/7.
I remember one particular member, on this forum. She had a drinking partner. She "kicked him out" on many occassions. Each time, he would suddenly become more loving towards her---and, make her an exquisite piece of furniture----he was a skilled woodworker/ She loved the furniture and it softened her heart, so she let him back into the house, again and again. He even built her acompletely new closet, one time!
However, the thing that he failed to do was to was to address his condition of alcoholism in a serious way.
Making a new resume is not the same thing as attending AA in a serious way. Not a half measure, but a Serious Way.
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"i really screwed up and was a real dick"
People have used a comparison here which I think really clarifies a point. If you had a babysitter and your Daughter texted you that the babysitter was drunk and fell asleep on top of her, what would you do? What if the babysitter took her and her friend to the water and fell asleep? You'd be outraged, no matter how many excuses she made.
I understand you didn't marry the babysitter, but sometimes we have to take a really hard look at the people around us. Integrity, honesty, values, compassion.
Your parents don't have the relationship you have with him, they don't know him like you do and they don't know all the instances you now know of where he was probably drunk and let you down. They also don't have any real reason not to trust him, he hasn't betrayed them. It's personal to them but from afar. Plus they see you hurting, that is their real concern, how can we fix this fast for her.
People don't like us to change the status quo. Steph is married to X and she has a daughter and they are a family unit, period. No one wants to see a divorce really, it changes the dynamic. It's unsettling for everyone. It hurts you and as you said, you're tired (this is so normal). But it hurts everyone, but just because it does doesn't mean it's wrong for you. If everyone knew what you know, if they understood it the way you do, maybe they wouldn't be so quick to say - poor X and in a way, because they feel so bad for you, maybe they are not, maybe they are just trying to stop you hurting. Your Husband may be unconcerned playing with his phone on the sofa, but they aren't.
I'm not trying to sway you either way (although it may sound like it). I just suggest caution. So far it's all words and no action. Going to an AA meeting is action. Getting a new job and keeping it is action.
Being serious about and actually quitting drinking and getting help is action.
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I say this gently and with kindness, he is just trying to hook you back in.
If you want to "try again" that is up to you.
If I understood your post correctly, you have been put in charge of controlling his access to money. HUGE red flag. This will lead to enormous stress on you. I made this mistake with my late AH. At the time we both thought it was a brilliant idea. Would be a big help to us both. Quite the opposite. It just created a load of pressure on me. I later separated our incomes which worked much better.
If you want to "try again" that is up to you.
If I understood your post correctly, you have been put in charge of controlling his access to money. HUGE red flag. This will lead to enormous stress on you. I made this mistake with my late AH. At the time we both thought it was a brilliant idea. Would be a big help to us both. Quite the opposite. It just created a load of pressure on me. I later separated our incomes which worked much better.
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If your whole family wants him back, then they can date him. I can only imagine the difficulty of trying to raise a sick child on your own, it isn't a sign of weakness to have rational fears. That said, what is he really doing to help raise and care for your child? At this point, it sounds more like you're taking care of two kids.
Divorce is definitely a wrecking ball to your current friend and family dynamics, there's no denying that. I'm going through that right now. I've lost all contact with his family members, despite the friendships we had built over the years, and the tension in our friends group is palpable. That said, I still think it was the right choice. Ofc I wonder often what things would be like if I hadn't filed, but there's no getting around the fact that it needed to be done.
I reached the point you're describing myself. The realization that my trust was so utterly broken that even if his latest return from rehab was "the one" and he started true recovery, the damage was done. I know in my heart I couldn't tolerate another relapse, or being emotional shut out, or told to f*ck off. You say this stuff isn't part of his "normal cycle" but the fact remains that he's doing it. Addiction is progressive. If he's doing things like that to hide his habit, that will only get worse. I know divorce is scary, but don't let your fear push you from considering it rationally. I'm not saying it's your only option, but don't discount it out of the gate. There's a reason your trust is so broken that you don't know if it will ever be repaired. Don't let yourself forget that in the midst of your family's advice, your fears, and his pleading.
Divorce is definitely a wrecking ball to your current friend and family dynamics, there's no denying that. I'm going through that right now. I've lost all contact with his family members, despite the friendships we had built over the years, and the tension in our friends group is palpable. That said, I still think it was the right choice. Ofc I wonder often what things would be like if I hadn't filed, but there's no getting around the fact that it needed to be done.
I reached the point you're describing myself. The realization that my trust was so utterly broken that even if his latest return from rehab was "the one" and he started true recovery, the damage was done. I know in my heart I couldn't tolerate another relapse, or being emotional shut out, or told to f*ck off. You say this stuff isn't part of his "normal cycle" but the fact remains that he's doing it. Addiction is progressive. If he's doing things like that to hide his habit, that will only get worse. I know divorce is scary, but don't let your fear push you from considering it rationally. I'm not saying it's your only option, but don't discount it out of the gate. There's a reason your trust is so broken that you don't know if it will ever be repaired. Don't let yourself forget that in the midst of your family's advice, your fears, and his pleading.
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You cannot possibly know that he is "starting to make real changes". Real change does not happen over two days. Real change is a steadfast journey. You will not know if this change is real for months, or more likely, years. And you are under no obligation to be present while you wait that out.
Please don't stay in a relatonship to assuage other peoples' discomfort. That's no different than setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Stay or don't, but the decision should come from what you want, how you want to live your life, and what is best for you.
When I was mired in all of this myself (I come from a family with an alcholic mother and codependent father, and in my mid-thirties I dated an alcoholic), the hardest part for me was accepting that waiting for someone else to change to make me more content or comfortable in my life was not a viable strategy for happiness. If I was going to build the life I wanted, I had to be the one to change.
Had I understood then what I understand now, there would have been no fighting that acceptance. That acceptance is the greatest gift I have ever given myself and the people who love me. Extracting my potential for happiness from the hands of people who were not themselves happy and were not willing to change has given me the power over my own life that I need to be the best version of myself that I am capable of being. My family didn't like it, and my XABF certainly didn't like it, but the people who couldn't get on board with it are still mired in their own unhappiness, and the people who could are proud of the person I am today.
Please don't stay in a relatonship to assuage other peoples' discomfort. That's no different than setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Stay or don't, but the decision should come from what you want, how you want to live your life, and what is best for you.
When I was mired in all of this myself (I come from a family with an alcholic mother and codependent father, and in my mid-thirties I dated an alcoholic), the hardest part for me was accepting that waiting for someone else to change to make me more content or comfortable in my life was not a viable strategy for happiness. If I was going to build the life I wanted, I had to be the one to change.
Had I understood then what I understand now, there would have been no fighting that acceptance. That acceptance is the greatest gift I have ever given myself and the people who love me. Extracting my potential for happiness from the hands of people who were not themselves happy and were not willing to change has given me the power over my own life that I need to be the best version of myself that I am capable of being. My family didn't like it, and my XABF certainly didn't like it, but the people who couldn't get on board with it are still mired in their own unhappiness, and the people who could are proud of the person I am today.
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Well you are all going to hate me - but we had another HUGE chat last night and I have told him he can stay here until the new year and prove himself over that period and then I'll reassess. I laid it all out for him - I told him when his parents come he has got to tell them what has been going on and explain it all to them. He agreed to do that although he really doesn't want to - I said he has got to come clean to everyone who has been worried and tell them what has really been going on. he has got to evidence REAL change and effort through some sort of programme yet to be chosen - I explained this is going to be HARD WORK and not just forgotten. He seems to realise how deeply he has damaged us with his swearing door slamming etc - I explained to him how abusive it was and the damage it has caused and he seemed to understand. He is adamant he did not drink vodka at the golf course and I do believe him - he said sometimes when we went to the trailer he put vodka in a water bottle which makes sense looking back. I think I shocked the hell out of him with my declaration in front of my parents and he now sees what a mess he has become. I told him he has 4 months to evidence this very real change. I do not think he is drinking at work or in the middle of the week - he is doing very well at his job which is very technical - they gave him a random bonus just yesterday and are talking about promoting him. To me, this means the times he was unable to do the tasks like build a bed or close the trailer, he was probably drinking or hungover and not that he has the brain damage from serious alcoholism.
We have lived through YEARS of major trauma with our very sick child - serious trauma and I tihnk khe lost his way. Nobody knows how they are going to cope with having a child like ours who screamed all night for 5 years and was constantly sick and in the hospital with doctors not believing us and attacking us - I used to drink a bottle of wine each night to cope then realised how bad it was and cut way back. I can see how over hte last 3 years this could have been a very bad coping mechanism for him - especially the 1.5 yrs here with no family or friends and no job. After all we've lived through, i think he needs this one last chance to deal with his anger and his drinking. He has got to mend his relationship with his daughter - I explained how fractured it was and he agreed that it was and how he hadn't realised how bad it had gotten - denial! I see the good man I married is still here wanting to come back and I'm going to give him this one last chance to return and stop this nonsense. No more swearing, no more door slamming, no more drinking straight vodka and no more silly fast cars - we will get a practical SUV that doesn't do fun little fishtails.
As far as the money red flags - I am the Canadian citizen so only I could have the bank account. You need a SIN to have a bank account - his arrived yesterday so now he will open one up. We transfered our home equity to Canada 2 years ago and into my account and it is sitting htere for our next house basically so that's the reason for that but he isn't bothered about me having the money and him not accessing it - it isn't going to stay that way long term though. When you have to suddenly flee your home country and move across the world with a sick child, it is insanely difficult and traumatic. I have higher emotional intelligence and strength and managed it much better clearly. I think he deserves 1 last chance to try to save himself and his family but I won't b eputting up with anymore BS and was VERY firm with him and he knows when I mean business. The other thing is, in Scotland we had no help at all with our child - it was work FT, deal with a sick child deal with everything all alone so we NEVER got out together to do anything. Now we have my family here we can actually have some time alone to have a relationship - our relationship was no longer because I am a FT carer - my daughter is home I deal with her medical needs, educate her,sleep with her - she is the most needy child on the planet and that is going to impact a marriage but she's going to be 10 next month and is getting more independent now and we have myparents here to help too. We need this chance to try to move past the trauma we have endured and that's what my clarity logic intuition are all telling me. Nothing is hidden anymore - everything is out in the open with our family. I am also getting a breathilizer because at the moment I obvoiusly can't tell if he has been drinking or not and I have no idea what the level of the dependence could be - so in the medium term he is going to have to prove that to me with this test each evening as that's the only way I'll ever know for sure. I told him I'm not sure if I will get over the lies and the deceit and in January I may say sorry but I can't move past that, but I'll give him the 4 months so we can see what happens. I don't want to kick him out right before my duaghter's 10th birthday and right after that is Christmas season - i don't want to ruin her season she has lived through enough hell as it is.
We have lived through YEARS of major trauma with our very sick child - serious trauma and I tihnk khe lost his way. Nobody knows how they are going to cope with having a child like ours who screamed all night for 5 years and was constantly sick and in the hospital with doctors not believing us and attacking us - I used to drink a bottle of wine each night to cope then realised how bad it was and cut way back. I can see how over hte last 3 years this could have been a very bad coping mechanism for him - especially the 1.5 yrs here with no family or friends and no job. After all we've lived through, i think he needs this one last chance to deal with his anger and his drinking. He has got to mend his relationship with his daughter - I explained how fractured it was and he agreed that it was and how he hadn't realised how bad it had gotten - denial! I see the good man I married is still here wanting to come back and I'm going to give him this one last chance to return and stop this nonsense. No more swearing, no more door slamming, no more drinking straight vodka and no more silly fast cars - we will get a practical SUV that doesn't do fun little fishtails.
As far as the money red flags - I am the Canadian citizen so only I could have the bank account. You need a SIN to have a bank account - his arrived yesterday so now he will open one up. We transfered our home equity to Canada 2 years ago and into my account and it is sitting htere for our next house basically so that's the reason for that but he isn't bothered about me having the money and him not accessing it - it isn't going to stay that way long term though. When you have to suddenly flee your home country and move across the world with a sick child, it is insanely difficult and traumatic. I have higher emotional intelligence and strength and managed it much better clearly. I think he deserves 1 last chance to try to save himself and his family but I won't b eputting up with anymore BS and was VERY firm with him and he knows when I mean business. The other thing is, in Scotland we had no help at all with our child - it was work FT, deal with a sick child deal with everything all alone so we NEVER got out together to do anything. Now we have my family here we can actually have some time alone to have a relationship - our relationship was no longer because I am a FT carer - my daughter is home I deal with her medical needs, educate her,sleep with her - she is the most needy child on the planet and that is going to impact a marriage but she's going to be 10 next month and is getting more independent now and we have myparents here to help too. We need this chance to try to move past the trauma we have endured and that's what my clarity logic intuition are all telling me. Nothing is hidden anymore - everything is out in the open with our family. I am also getting a breathilizer because at the moment I obvoiusly can't tell if he has been drinking or not and I have no idea what the level of the dependence could be - so in the medium term he is going to have to prove that to me with this test each evening as that's the only way I'll ever know for sure. I told him I'm not sure if I will get over the lies and the deceit and in January I may say sorry but I can't move past that, but I'll give him the 4 months so we can see what happens. I don't want to kick him out right before my duaghter's 10th birthday and right after that is Christmas season - i don't want to ruin her season she has lived through enough hell as it is.
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No one is going to hate you here, steph. It’s your life to live. We exist in this forum/on this site to help each other through hard things.
In the short term, it is almost certainly a relief to go to a new and improved familiar. Love and shared experience doesn’t come from a faucet, you can’t just turn it off.
There is definitely a chance he can recover. Here’s what it looks like: actions, not words. Words can temporarily smooth things over, but actions and time are what heal.
I’ve seen a lot of people in and out of recovery, in various programs. There’s a common common series of changes that have to happen for long term sobriety. Without these things, in my experience, folks weren’t ready or able and it didn’t work for them.
honesty: honesty with self (the hardest) and honesty with others. Intentionally understanding and telling the truth. This is a toughie, lying becomes second mature and the full truth is scary to an alcoholic.
willingness: willingness to try anything, do anything to stay sober. (Beware red flags like “aa isn’t for me,” @i called a bunch of therapists.” “X website told me…” an addict doesn’t have the luxury of saying no to things that might help, until they find the thing that keeps them sober.
openness: opening up is really the only way to heal.
most (not all of course) alcoholics got into this mess because of a combination of two things: some type of trauma, usually in childhood, and an inability to work through/deal with certain emotions. Often because of said trauma. We have to get past that, or alcohol/numbing out will remain the go to solution. Even when we know it’s the problem ruining our lives.
the above changes (sorry got the order wrong lol) often come with the acronym “how” in recovery circles. If he can become honest, open and willing, he has a chance.
I don’t say all that because you should shepherd him through it. You can’t. I say them so you can see what recovery looks like. And what it doesn’t.
In the short term, it is almost certainly a relief to go to a new and improved familiar. Love and shared experience doesn’t come from a faucet, you can’t just turn it off.
There is definitely a chance he can recover. Here’s what it looks like: actions, not words. Words can temporarily smooth things over, but actions and time are what heal.
I’ve seen a lot of people in and out of recovery, in various programs. There’s a common common series of changes that have to happen for long term sobriety. Without these things, in my experience, folks weren’t ready or able and it didn’t work for them.
honesty: honesty with self (the hardest) and honesty with others. Intentionally understanding and telling the truth. This is a toughie, lying becomes second mature and the full truth is scary to an alcoholic.
willingness: willingness to try anything, do anything to stay sober. (Beware red flags like “aa isn’t for me,” @i called a bunch of therapists.” “X website told me…” an addict doesn’t have the luxury of saying no to things that might help, until they find the thing that keeps them sober.
openness: opening up is really the only way to heal.
most (not all of course) alcoholics got into this mess because of a combination of two things: some type of trauma, usually in childhood, and an inability to work through/deal with certain emotions. Often because of said trauma. We have to get past that, or alcohol/numbing out will remain the go to solution. Even when we know it’s the problem ruining our lives.
the above changes (sorry got the order wrong lol) often come with the acronym “how” in recovery circles. If he can become honest, open and willing, he has a chance.
I don’t say all that because you should shepherd him through it. You can’t. I say them so you can see what recovery looks like. And what it doesn’t.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
I want to chime in to wish you well. I hope your family is pointed in the direction of better. I hope you have clearly laid out your boundaries as well as the consequences of them being breached. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Steph--the thing about the Breathalyzer--do you seriously think that being the Alcohol Police is going to be the answer? Like you, I thought if only I could keep alcohol out of XAH's system, all would be well. He'd be a great, responsible, loving guy. Like you, I often couldn't tell if he had been drinking. As I mentioned in a prior post, until I actually saw the blood alcohol numbers when he was in the ER, I didn't realize that the reason I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking was that I virtually never saw him when he HADN'T been drinking! Once I realized this, it changed everything.
On second thought, maybe the Breathalyzer WILL work for you, but not in the way you're imagining it will. You're going to get yet more information that you just don't want to hear. Please try to hear it anyway. Denial isn't a problem that only alcoholics have...
What wehav2day said above is pure gold, as is dbyrer's quote "nothing changes if nothing changes."
On second thought, maybe the Breathalyzer WILL work for you, but not in the way you're imagining it will. You're going to get yet more information that you just don't want to hear. Please try to hear it anyway. Denial isn't a problem that only alcoholics have...
What wehav2day said above is pure gold, as is dbyrer's quote "nothing changes if nothing changes."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by StephEgan
I don't want to kick him out right before my duaghter's 10th birthday and right after that is Christmas season - i don't want to ruin her season she has lived through enough hell as it is.
You have a lot of compassion as well, just be sure that isn't being taken advantage of. I think it will be very hard for you to trust him again, liars lie. To us who try to be honest in all things, it's seems really counterintuitive, to a liar it's just business as usual.
I don't think lying is necessarily just a "cover up" per-se, it's a coping mechanism. What they don't know won't hurt them. If I hide this I won't get in "trouble". She/he would be mad if they knew that, so I'll just omit it. I'm sure you know how it goes, as children we tended to think this way for a little while usually.
Yes, it's hard to tell if an alcoholic has been drinking sometimes until they get to the stage where it's obvious. They (and I am generalizing) can drink a small bottle of vodka and you could never tell. I'm sure you know Alcoholics can't ever drink in moderation, it's just a path back to full time, full on, drinking.
You are asking for a lot of changes from him to fit in to your life. I hope he is up for that really hard work.
And no judgement here, we are here for support.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Steph.....if he were to go to rehab or some program, I suggest that youall seriously comsider a program that evaluates him for Dual Diagnosis---sometimes called
Co-occuring Diagnosis. If he has other issues in addition to the alcoholism---failure to maintain sobriety is more than likely. All conditions MUSt be recognized and treated, simultaneously. Dual-diagnosis is common among alcoholics. His outbursts in frustration leads me to wonder about things like Undiagnosed Adult ADHD and such things as problems in communication---like, maybe Asbergers. There are others, also, like chronic depression and anxiety disorders.
Perhaos you could google Dual Diagnosis in Alcoholism----and, watch some of the youtube videos on that subject.
I am going to give you a link to one of the good articles from our extensive library----I think it is a pretty good yardstick. I hope you will read it.
For what it is worth, I think it is very unrealistic to ask him questions and expect that he is going to tell you the truth. I think he is lying to you about certain things that you just posted! I would bet the kids' milk money on it.
Remember that he has not had one molecule of treatment as of this time---he is an alcoholic and he is going to lie as a part of his disease. Espect it, until or unless he has become to live by the AA principles of "Honesty in all things". Right now, asking him not to lie is like asking a dog not to bark or a bird not to fly. Or, asking a blind man to see.
Education about alcoholism is sooo important, as so much of it is just counter intuitive.
Here is that link that I promised you.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
Co-occuring Diagnosis. If he has other issues in addition to the alcoholism---failure to maintain sobriety is more than likely. All conditions MUSt be recognized and treated, simultaneously. Dual-diagnosis is common among alcoholics. His outbursts in frustration leads me to wonder about things like Undiagnosed Adult ADHD and such things as problems in communication---like, maybe Asbergers. There are others, also, like chronic depression and anxiety disorders.
Perhaos you could google Dual Diagnosis in Alcoholism----and, watch some of the youtube videos on that subject.
I am going to give you a link to one of the good articles from our extensive library----I think it is a pretty good yardstick. I hope you will read it.
For what it is worth, I think it is very unrealistic to ask him questions and expect that he is going to tell you the truth. I think he is lying to you about certain things that you just posted! I would bet the kids' milk money on it.
Remember that he has not had one molecule of treatment as of this time---he is an alcoholic and he is going to lie as a part of his disease. Espect it, until or unless he has become to live by the AA principles of "Honesty in all things". Right now, asking him not to lie is like asking a dog not to bark or a bird not to fly. Or, asking a blind man to see.
Education about alcoholism is sooo important, as so much of it is just counter intuitive.
Here is that link that I promised you.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
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