I feel blue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
I just keep crying today - just had to run to the toilet gagging I nearly vomited. This is so horrendous! He's messaging saying he has emailed 3 therapists and needs a new job to afford to live near us and all of this stuff - I know it is over - i can't stop crying.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Steph......I have felt like I think you are feeling and you have my extreme empathy! I believe that this is a normal response for the situation that you are going through. I see crying as a merciful thing for you. Motherk Nature gave us the tears and the ability to cry for just this reason. It helps us to externalize and express the intense emotion and pain.
Go ahead and cry all you feel like it!
Go ahead and cry all you feel like it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Yes I guess crying is therapeutic - I have to try and hide it from my daughter. Yes - intense pain thta's what I feel plus worry. If I feel like this, imagine him he's losing both of us 
This is horrendous my head is pounding. I just want to sleep but i can't even calm down enough to do that. My whole life is destroyed between his issues, my child's illness having to move I can't go out to work alway shome with her. My life is a mess now - how did this happen?! I worked so hard did everything I was supposed to do - got a degree got a good career got married to someone who I was in love with, had a baby, nice house cars vacations - then it all fell apart - all of it and now i'm in my parents' house with a sick child and a sick husband at 42 yrs old - I'll be alone forever now I'm sure of it. I think I'm going to puke again.
This is horrendous my head is pounding. I just want to sleep but i can't even calm down enough to do that. My whole life is destroyed between his issues, my child's illness having to move I can't go out to work alway shome with her. My life is a mess now - how did this happen?! I worked so hard did everything I was supposed to do - got a degree got a good career got married to someone who I was in love with, had a baby, nice house cars vacations - then it all fell apart - all of it and now i'm in my parents' house with a sick child and a sick husband at 42 yrs old - I'll be alone forever now I'm sure of it. I think I'm going to puke again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Maybe just take one day at a time. And if that feels like too much, try an hour. Or even a minute. Whatever it takes to get through this party.
My life was a mess once too and I did a lot of the same catastrophizing, but with time and distance comes perspective. I hope you are able to meet with your therapist to help guide you through this crisis stage.
My life was a mess once too and I did a lot of the same catastrophizing, but with time and distance comes perspective. I hope you are able to meet with your therapist to help guide you through this crisis stage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Steph, this stuff hurts beyond hurts. It has been decades since I went through it and I still remember that pain. Unfortunately it lasts way way longer than anyone wants it to. I am so so sorry. I wish it wasn't like this and/or we could do something to lessen your suffering but life doesn't work that way.
Please keep trying to get through the next increment of time. As Sparkle said maybe just an hour at a time. You could try for just 10 minutes at a time if things are super bad.
Keep posting. We are here even if we can't do much.
(((Steph))))
Please keep trying to get through the next increment of time. As Sparkle said maybe just an hour at a time. You could try for just 10 minutes at a time if things are super bad.
Keep posting. We are here even if we can't do much.
(((Steph))))
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Our bodies respond in crazy ways to grief. I can say that the harder we try not to feel grief or any strong emotion, the more our bodies rebel.
As tough as it is, acknowledge whatever feelings you are having and really lean in to them. If that means crying, take a shower and cry. It's easier to let emotions go after you've felt them.
One thing that helps me center is breathing. I like breathing in squares (breath in 4 heartbeats, hold 4 heartbeats, breath out 4 heartbeats, hold 4 heartbeats), or in circles (continuous but slow, fluid, and conscious breaths in then out with no pause).
As tough as it is, acknowledge whatever feelings you are having and really lean in to them. If that means crying, take a shower and cry. It's easier to let emotions go after you've felt them.
One thing that helps me center is breathing. I like breathing in squares (breath in 4 heartbeats, hold 4 heartbeats, breath out 4 heartbeats, hold 4 heartbeats), or in circles (continuous but slow, fluid, and conscious breaths in then out with no pause).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by StephEgan 
OK thank you - I will try not t othink so far out I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. Then he has no slots til October
I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. Then he has no slots til October At the time of my first divorce, I wasn't working. We had just bought a new house a few months earlier, less than a year I think? Anyway, there is no good time to do any of this, as you know.
We sold the house, I moved in to an apartment with my Son, I got a job that I didn't particularly like but I needed a job so I took the first one that came my way. Got sorted out, got a different house etc etc.
Things are a mess right now, or seem that way, but it won't always be like that. You will feel better, you will laugh, your Daughter will adjust, just need time to heal.
As for him, too little too late. I'm glad to hear that he will let his parents know what is happening before they leave for Canada. They may actually choose not to come. (If it were me I wouldn't), but time will tell.
As for him, perhaps you could ask him to save his plans for a conversation later, it's not in your best interests for him to be texting you with his problems perhaps. Or you can just not read them for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Steph Canada, [16.09.21 19:17]
he is adamant he hasn't had a drink since Sunday and that he regularly goes many days each week without drinking. He isn't in withdrawal and no signs of drinking. this is truly ******* confusing. what if i'm wrong?! I honestly don't htink he was drinking every day although I know he was lying about when he was drinking - how could he be so sick with withdrawal last year but not now?! I hate this all so much - the unknowns are just so great! And I know what you'll all be thinking that he is lying and he has been drinking and has lied about it so many times and is doing that now but i just don't know if that's the case or not.
he is adamant he hasn't had a drink since Sunday and that he regularly goes many days each week without drinking. He isn't in withdrawal and no signs of drinking. this is truly ******* confusing. what if i'm wrong?! I honestly don't htink he was drinking every day although I know he was lying about when he was drinking - how could he be so sick with withdrawal last year but not now?! I hate this all so much - the unknowns are just so great! And I know what you'll all be thinking that he is lying and he has been drinking and has lied about it so many times and is doing that now but i just don't know if that's the case or not.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by StephEgan
Steph Canada, [16.09.21 19:17]
he is adamant he hasn't had a drink since Sunday and that he regularly goes many days each week without drinking. He isn't in withdrawal and no signs of drinking. this is truly ******* confusing. what if i'm wrong?! I honestly don't htink he was drinking every day although I know he was lying about when he was drinking - how could he be so sick with withdrawal last year but not now?! I hate this all so much - the unknowns are just so great! And I know what you'll all be thinking that he is lying and he has been drinking and has lied about it so many times and is doing that now but i just don't know if that's the case or not.
he is adamant he hasn't had a drink since Sunday and that he regularly goes many days each week without drinking. He isn't in withdrawal and no signs of drinking. this is truly ******* confusing. what if i'm wrong?! I honestly don't htink he was drinking every day although I know he was lying about when he was drinking - how could he be so sick with withdrawal last year but not now?! I hate this all so much - the unknowns are just so great! And I know what you'll all be thinking that he is lying and he has been drinking and has lied about it so many times and is doing that now but i just don't know if that's the case or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
I don't even know anymore - I guess I am doubting my observations and decisions to a very small degree. ThenI remind myself that he lied to my face until I had irrefutable evidence to prove him wrong and realise I cannot believe him - but I look at his face and see that nice side of him that was around frequently - the supportive side the helpful and loving side and i struggle to believe this could all be happening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Then I think - I'm the one in the bedroom breaking down in tears and he seems not that awful out on the sofa watching his phone. He didn't sleep with upset last night but he doesn't look broken hearted or anything. I just hate this I want this to not be happening - any of it!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Steph......all alcoholics lie across the spanse of time. In my own observations, this tends to get even worse as they spiral more deeply into their condition.
At first, it seems like they lie when they "need" to---to hide their drinking. As the disease progresses, it seems like they often lie even when it doesn't seem to be "necessary". Sometimes they do not actually remember lots of things and they confabulate to fill in the missing spaces in their memory. The alcohol does really mess up their brain functioning, you know. Especially in the frontal lobe and the memory areas.
Steph....alcoholism is not a disease reserverd for Bad People or or weak people with no moral code and no socially valuable qualities. It is a disease of every kind of person---who has happened to have happened (for whatever reason) to become addicted.
There are many---I would say most---alcoholics are human beings who have, at their core, admirable and desirable human qualities. All are human beings that suffer in their own way.
It seems like you get caught in the loop of asking yourself "Is he good or is he bad?" I suggest that it is errant to think of it/him, in that way.
Maybe, it is better to think of this situation as a disease that had damaged him considerably and is also damaging the current existence of you and your daughter.
You don't have to cast him as iether a "cevil" or an "angel".
You just Need to decide how to protect yourself and your daughter-----a matter of the right to self defense/survival. at baseline.
At first, it seems like they lie when they "need" to---to hide their drinking. As the disease progresses, it seems like they often lie even when it doesn't seem to be "necessary". Sometimes they do not actually remember lots of things and they confabulate to fill in the missing spaces in their memory. The alcohol does really mess up their brain functioning, you know. Especially in the frontal lobe and the memory areas.
Steph....alcoholism is not a disease reserverd for Bad People or or weak people with no moral code and no socially valuable qualities. It is a disease of every kind of person---who has happened to have happened (for whatever reason) to become addicted.
There are many---I would say most---alcoholics are human beings who have, at their core, admirable and desirable human qualities. All are human beings that suffer in their own way.
It seems like you get caught in the loop of asking yourself "Is he good or is he bad?" I suggest that it is errant to think of it/him, in that way.
Maybe, it is better to think of this situation as a disease that had damaged him considerably and is also damaging the current existence of you and your daughter.
You don't have to cast him as iether a "cevil" or an "angel".
You just Need to decide how to protect yourself and your daughter-----a matter of the right to self defense/survival. at baseline.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
So he didn't high-tail it to an AA meeting I guess?
Also, in his texts to you today, has he asked about how your Daughter will handle all of this, or how best the two of you can handle this with her?
And yes, he lied to you when you confronted him, until you provided proof. He is a closet alcoholic. So the "nice" guy, the "supportive" guy. Is that him? Or is that a version of him he has decided to show you. He chose not to show you his drinking side - well he did, he just excused it away. He let you stress and worry for months about all his "conditions".
You know you asked one time if perhaps the doctor knew he was an alcoholic when he said - well usually this is is a sign of alcohol abuse - or something to that effect. Well yes, I'm sure he does know.
My Father was in the hospital once and I was talking to the doctor about his treatment and he lowered his voice and said to me "your Father is an alcoholic" - really!! But seriously, I think I replied, "I know". But the fact that I was a grown up person and he had obviously been an alcoholic for years (obvious to the dr. not just to someone that might just pass him on the street) and the dr thought I might not know - means they must come across this pretty frequently. Anyway it was kind of him to approach it that way.
Also, in his texts to you today, has he asked about how your Daughter will handle all of this, or how best the two of you can handle this with her?
And yes, he lied to you when you confronted him, until you provided proof. He is a closet alcoholic. So the "nice" guy, the "supportive" guy. Is that him? Or is that a version of him he has decided to show you. He chose not to show you his drinking side - well he did, he just excused it away. He let you stress and worry for months about all his "conditions".
You know you asked one time if perhaps the doctor knew he was an alcoholic when he said - well usually this is is a sign of alcohol abuse - or something to that effect. Well yes, I'm sure he does know.
My Father was in the hospital once and I was talking to the doctor about his treatment and he lowered his voice and said to me "your Father is an alcoholic" - really!! But seriously, I think I replied, "I know". But the fact that I was a grown up person and he had obviously been an alcoholic for years (obvious to the dr. not just to someone that might just pass him on the street) and the dr thought I might not know - means they must come across this pretty frequently. Anyway it was kind of him to approach it that way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Steph......here is a brain scan of a 57 yr. old alcoholic compared to the brain of a moderate drinker at the same age.
Can you see the difference?
images of alcoholic brain compared to normal brain scan - Bing images
Can you see the difference?
images of alcoholic brain compared to normal brain scan - Bing images
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by dandylion
Steph......here is a brain scan of a 57 yr. old alcoholic compared to the brain of a moderate drinker at the same age.
Can you see the difference?
images of alcoholic brain compared to normal brain scan - Bing images
Can you see the difference?
images of alcoholic brain compared to normal brain scan - Bing images
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by dandylion
Steph......all alcoholics lie across the spanse of time. In my own observations, this tends to get even worse as they spiral more deeply into their condition.
At first, it seems like they lie when they "need" to---to hide their drinking. As the disease progresses, it seems like they often lie even when it doesn't seem to be "necessary". Sometimes they do not actually remember lots of things and they confabulate to fill in the missing spaces in their memory. The alcohol does really mess up their brain functioning, you know. Especially in the frontal lobe and the memory areas.
Steph....alcoholism is not a disease reserverd for Bad People or or weak people with no moral code and no socially valuable qualities. It is a disease of every kind of person---who has happened to have happened (for whatever reason) to become addicted.
There are many---I would say most---alcoholics are human beings who have, at their core, admirable and desirable human qualities. All are human beings that suffer in their own way.
It seems like you get caught in the loop of asking yourself "Is he good or is he bad?" I suggest that it is errant to think of it/him, in that way.
Maybe, it is better to think of this situation as a disease that had damaged him considerably and is also damaging the current existence of you and your daughter.
You don't have to cast him as iether a "cevil" or an "angel".
You just Need to decide how to protect yourself and your daughter-----a matter of the right to self defense/survival. at baseline.
At first, it seems like they lie when they "need" to---to hide their drinking. As the disease progresses, it seems like they often lie even when it doesn't seem to be "necessary". Sometimes they do not actually remember lots of things and they confabulate to fill in the missing spaces in their memory. The alcohol does really mess up their brain functioning, you know. Especially in the frontal lobe and the memory areas.
Steph....alcoholism is not a disease reserverd for Bad People or or weak people with no moral code and no socially valuable qualities. It is a disease of every kind of person---who has happened to have happened (for whatever reason) to become addicted.
There are many---I would say most---alcoholics are human beings who have, at their core, admirable and desirable human qualities. All are human beings that suffer in their own way.
It seems like you get caught in the loop of asking yourself "Is he good or is he bad?" I suggest that it is errant to think of it/him, in that way.
Maybe, it is better to think of this situation as a disease that had damaged him considerably and is also damaging the current existence of you and your daughter.
You don't have to cast him as iether a "cevil" or an "angel".
You just Need to decide how to protect yourself and your daughter-----a matter of the right to self defense/survival. at baseline.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by trailmix
So he didn't high-tail it to an AA meeting I guess?
Also, in his texts to you today, has he asked about how your Daughter will handle all of this, or how best the two of you can handle this with her?
And yes, he lied to you when you confronted him, until you provided proof. He is a closet alcoholic. So the "nice" guy, the "supportive" guy. Is that him? Or is that a version of him he has decided to show you. He chose not to show you his drinking side - well he did, he just excused it away. He let you stress and worry for months about all his "conditions".
You know you asked one time if perhaps the doctor knew he was an alcoholic when he said - well usually this is is a sign of alcohol abuse - or something to that effect. Well yes, I'm sure he does know.
My Father was in the hospital once and I was talking to the doctor about his treatment and he lowered his voice and said to me "your Father is an alcoholic" - really!! But seriously, I think I replied, "I know". But the fact that I was a grown up person and he had obviously been an alcoholic for years (obvious to the dr. not just to someone that might just pass him on the street) and the dr thought I might not know - means they must come across this pretty frequently. Anyway it was kind of him to approach it that way.
Also, in his texts to you today, has he asked about how your Daughter will handle all of this, or how best the two of you can handle this with her?
And yes, he lied to you when you confronted him, until you provided proof. He is a closet alcoholic. So the "nice" guy, the "supportive" guy. Is that him? Or is that a version of him he has decided to show you. He chose not to show you his drinking side - well he did, he just excused it away. He let you stress and worry for months about all his "conditions".
You know you asked one time if perhaps the doctor knew he was an alcoholic when he said - well usually this is is a sign of alcohol abuse - or something to that effect. Well yes, I'm sure he does know.
My Father was in the hospital once and I was talking to the doctor about his treatment and he lowered his voice and said to me "your Father is an alcoholic" - really!! But seriously, I think I replied, "I know". But the fact that I was a grown up person and he had obviously been an alcoholic for years (obvious to the dr. not just to someone that might just pass him on the street) and the dr thought I might not know - means they must come across this pretty frequently. Anyway it was kind of him to approach it that way.
You make a good point about our daughter - he has not expressed concern over telling her this yet. I think he's in denial and thinks I will back out before it gets to that stage ...
i bet you that liver doctor suspected it strongly but he never met my husband - I just emailed him symptoms and test results. He must have known for sure though!
It's so hard to believe he is choosing to show different sides and maybe evenstill drinking and hiding it somehow although his spots are all gone now that my parents are home! So I'm not sure how he'd do it but I suspect he'd find a way if he needed to.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
