Nd819

I went to my second Alanon meeting today and shared a little for the first time. It was so surprising that as soon as I started talking the tears started and would not stop, I wasn't even feeling particularly emotional before the meeting. I guess I didn't realize what a powder keg of emotions I have been carrying around. I really do realize how sick I am intellectually but can't seem to stop blaming my AH for my unhappiness. The time has clearly come to start doing the work for myself.

This brings me to a question on boundaries. One of the reasons I went to a meeting today is AH and I have not been in a good place lately, the weekend was stressful and I feel like we are both really unhappy. A boundary that I have for myself is that if AH has been drinking, or comes home from drinking I don't engage. I don't like talking to him when he has been drinking, even if he isn't "drunk" he is different, altered in a way that I just don't like. It's like nails on a chalkboard, I find myself being a total bi$#h, I have a hard time being nice, and end up waking up the next morning with a chip on my shoulder. I am just happier if I avoid interaction, we do our own thing, his drinking isn't in my face and I can go to sleep in peace. So my question is is this fair? AH got very upset with me all weekend because he said I was avoiding him, that he was just trying to have conversation and some time to connect and I am just refusing. We would both wake up mad and the day would be ruined. His point is he is trying and all I do is blame everything on his drinking, that I also don't give him any credit for cutting back. I guess I just don't know how to stop feeling so angry and resentful, I don't want him to cut back I want him to quit. Perhaps Alanon will help me here but I would appreciate some wisdom here.

trailmix

Yes, in my opinion you are being fair. Your boundary is you don't want to talk to him when he's drunk, period. Nothing wrong with that.

Credit for cutting back? He just wants to connect? That has absolutely zero to do with your decision and your boundary, that's the beauty of a boundary.

It's for you, not him, he doesn't have to DO anything, nothing, nada.

I'm guessing you have probably shared this boundary with him? If so and he still continues to bring it up, well that's just hugely disrespectful.

SparkleKitty

We are never responsible for managing how other people feel when we uphold our healthy boundaries.

BlownOne

"I don't want him to cut back I want him to quit" But that's the thing: you can want him to quit all you like, but it's not going to change anything. So you can either want him to quit and be miserable, or you can accept the situation for what it is and try to salvage some sense of peace out of it by establishing your boundaries and keeping them. He has to be the one who wants to quit, and the majority of alcoholics don't even consider quitting and getting into recovery until they hit some kind of rock bottom. If he doesn't want to quit, aside from divorcing him, there isn't much you can do except keep going to Alanon and keep learning. Peace to you.

ironwill

Yes you are being fair with your boundaries. Your boundary is if he drinks any alcohol you don't engage with him. He doesn't get brownie points for cutting back. He should know how you feel on alcohol. If he wants to communicate with you then he knows what he should do. But he has put drinking before your happiness. Keep being strong and keep coming back for help and advice.

dandylion

Nd819......remember, when he confronts you---you don't have to JADE... No unless you want to.
J....justify your actions
A....answer his questionsor argue about them
D,,,,defend your actions
E....explain your actions

It is up to you, of course. If you do choose to respond in some way---then you might consider telling him the Unadulterated Truth----"I find you disgusting when you have been drinking".

Cookie314

Trailmix hit on the head the first thing I wanted to ask: have you told him your boundary? Not engaging when he's drunk and/or being an a**hole is a perfect boundary. Tbh it's the most fair thing for the both of you.

If he doesn't know the boundary, then describing it, and any others you have, is an important discussion to have. It both let's him know why you're doing something, and makes it so he can't turn sh*t around so that you're the one avoiding him and such.

If he does already know your boundary, then he's clearly trying to emotional manipulate you into questioning yourself in this.

Nd819

Thank you all for your feedback! I have shared this boundary with him before, my guess is in his mind if he's just a little buzzed it doesn't count. I guess I need to have a very clear conversation with him where my line is and why. Dandy, I laughed when I read your comment because that truth is definitely the truth!

SparkleKitty

I'm not of the school where communicating your boundaries is a necessary part of the process. They're yours, you have a right to them, and you don't have to defend yourself for maintaining them.

However, I understand the desire to let someone who is forever trampling over them know what they are. Just don't expect telling him to make any difference in how much he pushes back on them. His response will tell you a lot about how much he respects you as an individual separate from what you are or can do for him.

biminiblue

Stating a boundary doesn't mean he'll, "get it."

Drinkers are notorious for wanting what they want when they want it. Impulsiveness, control issues, fear all come in to play. Alcohol removes any rational behavior and also removes common sense...especially when under the actual influence at the time.

Just don't expect you stating it to change how he acts. You are in charge of enforcing it (i.e. walking away, staying at a friend's, going out, locking the bedroom door, whatever you have to do.) It's for you, not for him to obey. It's your personal internal, "rule," not his.

WheredIGo

Hi Nd.
I could have been the author of your post-we seem to be in a similar place right down to him cutting down on his drinking.
I hate the awkwardness when we're both at home. I get the feeling he's waiting for praise on his reduced drinking. Been there many times before and it usually ends up worse than before. Guess he doesn't realize that he can't drink at all. He was drinking a beer in the house the other day and I instantly tuned out and got angry.
If you're like me, I have a constant guard up. I'm sure letting that guard down at Alanon led to your tears. We hold things in so much that the sharing is a release of all that built up in us.
I don't have any answers but know you aren't alone.
Take care of yourself.

sage1969

For so long I didn't have boundaries and by not having them, didn't know how to take care of my space and well-being. Yes, boundaries are for us, so that we know where we end and others begin. It's a process, learning with what you're comfortable, and where the line is, to know when to say, nope!

I've had to change my friend circles and even which of my FOO that I spend time with, so that I know when I express my boundaries, they will be respected. It's a lot harder when you live with an active alcoholic / addict, to maintain boundaries.

TNana

First-time poster here... and this is exactly what I've been feeling lately. Angry. Resentful. Bi$chy. I've told my husband I hate it when he's drunk (and high) and why: he can't hold a conversation, forgets what he's talking about mid-sentence, talks over me/doesn't listen, then never remembers it and we have the same conversation over and over and over again. Yet he still comes home from work every day, chipper, as if last night never happened, pours himself a whiskey, and it all starts over again.

And I sit with him, staring into space, wishing I could be anywhere else.

I want to set that boundary - when he drinks, I don't engage. But how do you do that??? Hide in a closet? Where do you go? What do you do? Doesn't seem right that I should leave the house. He can't go anywhere cuz he's blitzed. And I don't want to be mean - I love him, I just can't stand him if you know what I mean.

Nd819, how have you resolved this?

​​​​​​​Any tips for this newbie are greatly appreciated.

edoering

I don’t think it’s mean because you aren’t trying to punish him or manipulate him. You are just honoring what you need, and responding honestly to his decisions/actions, in my personal opinion. I also think it’s a sign you respect his adult ability to make choices, by responding authentically to whatever choice he makes (in this case, being drunk and high). I’ve fallen into the trap of trying to protect someone from the consequences of their own choices before, which seems like a “kindness” but in hindsight is kind of condescending. I realized I don’t want people to protect me from myself, I would be so insulted! So out of respect, your honor whatever choice he makes by treating it honestly and allowing him to experience the full feedback range of reactions to his actions.

I’ve heard of people leaving, just going for a walk or some private time in a coffee shop/favorite place. Or people going to a different room and shutting the door and having some comfy alone time. Plenty of healthy relationships allow for solo time either in the same space or away from each other without it being mean.

dandylion

TNana.....it might be a good idea for you to start a new thread. That way, I think you would get more traffic----more responses to your post.

TNana

edoering, Thank you for your response. That makes a lot of sense, especially the part about honoring his adult decisions and letting him feel the full feedback. I'm going to try that! (and also heading to a different room to test it out.) I think my kindness is probably more of a control issue, tbh, so am really working on me doing me and letting him do him.

Do you think it's important to articulate this boundary even when he knows how much I hate his behavior? There seem to be differing opinions on that. Any thoughts on the pros and cons?

dandylion, that's a great idea! Thanks! All in, right?

SparkleKitty

TNana, start with the idea that you have every right to see to your own needs, and how other people feel about it is not really any of your business.

It isn't "mean" to excuse yourself from the presence of someone who engages in activity that turns them into someone you don't like. Especially after you have told him how it makes you feel. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages"?

Is there a room in your home where you can go and close the door? We all need spaces of our own where we feel safe.

TNana

Whoa, SparkleKitty! That's an amazing quote. And, no, I've never heard it. I am definitely going to keep that in mind. Thank you.

And, yes. I and going to try heading to a different room tonight to see to my own needs. It's tough because it's always around dinnertime. He typically cooks (another way he distances himself) and drinks, then we eat, so it will be interesting.

It feels strange planning this. Like it's sneaky.

Nd819

TNana, welcome! I'm sorry you find yourself in a similar situation, it's definitely not a happy place to be. In my house this has been an ongoing problem for many years so we have had many, many, discussions about it. For the longest time I have just busied myself with the kids while my AH would escape to his office to drink in peace. We would pretty much just do our own thing in the evenings. The kids are now getting older and it is becoming more difficult to ignore the elephant in the room. I don't think in your situation avoiding him if he has been drinking is mean at all, if anything it may help divert some of the arguments and help limit the annoyance and disgust from building up .

TNana

Nd819, thanks for the warm welcome and response. I have to admit, when I first read it, I thought "OMG, I can't imagine living this way for years." And then came the memories of all the little things and some big ones, too, piled one on top of the other. "💡 OMG. I have been living this way for years." Makes a lot of sense why everything is bubbling up and why I'm so angry.

So what I'm hearing from you is that this is a process. Does your husband actually see the elephant in the room? Or does he pretend everything is peachy? And when he oversteps your boundaries does it always end in an argument?

​​​
​​​​​