trailmix

He will find a way, there is no question about it. Plus he goes out to work, lots of drinking time then.

My first Husband was also from overseas and when we divorced he really had no one to talk to (his family is not communicative). So he would talk to me. I said to him, you know I really can't do this, you need to find someone else to talk to. I lent him my family members. That worked for a while, eventually they burnt out. I think he started sharing with my Son then (that is a disaster).

All that is to say, do you need a play by play of his efforts? How does this affect you? Why is he telling you? That's his path to walk.

You now get the time to focus on yourself and your Daughter, what you two need and how you will be, you have been tied up for years in his "conditions" and anger.

dandylion

Steph.......you ask how did this happen "so suddenly". It does look to YOU as suddenly---but, I willl bet my entire fortune that it has not been suddenly.
More than likely, he began drinking in his teen years---even early teen years...? Usually, it is started by secretly having some swigs with his peers, and continued to drink after that. Did not have to be unusually heavy at that time. Nevertheless, alcoholism is progressive, over time. I am guessing that he is about 50 years old, now,
A person can go for several decades looking "normal" to the outside world, working, performing expected activities and the body is able to compensate pretty well. However, there reaches apoint where it begins to show---this is the progression---and, the alcoholic eventually begins to drink more and more---(and, maybe good at hiding it). But, when it begins to finally show---the results are quite dramatic---compared to what they ised to be. This looks like it just happened, to you----but, it has probably been 35 years in the progressive development.

StephEgan

He is 41 yrs old. He started in his late teens and yes he drank heavily in his university years by the sounds of it. I did as well but only on the weekends whereas it sounds like he drank every day back then. I still don't think he's drinking vodka every day- he doesn't even have a car right now so how is he buying it? I know he could get to the lcbo in the work van sometimes if he needed to go get parts or something but it wouldn't be everyday that he had a chance to do that.

I did the same stuff when I was in my 20s I used to get VERY drunk at the clubs every single weekend. We met when we were 25 and we both liked to party - all of our dates revolved around drinking but that was the norm with all of my friends back then. Maybehe was also drinking on nights we weren't together whereas I'd have nights in my apartment withmy roommate watching tv etc although we did smoke pot back then too. When we moved in together in our late20s, I don't htink he drank each day. Maybe 1 or 2 worknights we would have a drink or 2 back then but we did party on the weekends pretty hard until we had our daughter then he struggled to stop.

StephEgan

By sudden I guess I mean the sudden change from the man who tiled our kitchen, installed dishwashers and new toilets, refloored our livingroom twice in 5 yrs because I decided I wanted a colour change, repainted for same reason, bought me saphire rings for my 40th - and now i'm 42 and he's a new man and the old one from just 3 yrs ago is gone?!

StephEgan

He laid all of this flooring just 4 yrs ago and repainted for me https://www.s1homes.com/property_ima...e4-640x480.jpg

Him and my dad renovated our kitchen just 3 yrs ago - husband did all of the tiling laid the floor etc and helped my dad installing all of the new cupboards. The previous summer, he had to dig drainage in the backyardspent weeks figuringout how to do it to stop this water issue we were having - like this is how he used to be - he did everythign we didn't pay anyone for any work he did all of it and workedFT. We also bought a flat which he an my dad renovated completely so we could rent out about 5 yrs ago. https://www.s1homes.com/property_ima...e7-640x480.jpg

How can this be so different now? Now he loses the caps for the oil and windshield fluid in the truck when he's topping them up (my dad says the caps are all gone off his truck!) and leaves the basement crawlspace door open (door is to the outside and we live in the bush) and wonders why we end up with 4 mice down there blames me for leavig it open! My dad has seen him leaving this open as well already since coming back. There seems to be a HUGE change the past 2 -3 yrs hence I thought a neurological disorder. Surely he can go back to how he was just a few years ago?!

StephEgan

When we bought this house, it was all that bumpy ceiling and a lightbulb hanging down in the middle. We had it all skimmed (the one thing we ever paid for ) and he installed all of these potlights all throughout the ground floor. There is another nice room to the side of this which was the garage that the old owners turned into a room - they did an awful job he fixed it all, created a new wall so we had a big utility closet on the other side, built custom shelving put a tv on the wall skimmed the walls fixed heat loss issues etc and it was a gorgeousplayroom for our daughter. This was only a few years ago! The house had 3 bathrooms - he ripped them all out renovated them fully - I picked out everything no issues he did what I asked. Hard to understand how this is happening.

velma929

Was he 'on board' for the move to your parents' home? I understand you moved to keep your daughter with you, (absolutely understandable) but did he resent moving?

I wouldn't say this was the cause, he may have just taken longer to get there otherwise.

StephEgan

He wasn't too keen on it but he knew we had no choice so he let me do it. After we left, he dealt with the house sale, the car sales everythign but I do know he was drinking a lot when I was gone - he told me he was drinking too much but I didn't realise the extent of this. I remember the morning we were flying out - he could not get out of his bed he was soooo sick! I tell all doctors about this "first flare" of his illness - I had 2 MASSIVE suitcases, a bedbound 7 yo who could not walk and was screaming in pain a lot of the time, carry on etc - he tried to get up he started vomiting he was going to carry the suitcases down the stairs and was so dizzy he nearly fell down the stairs - i was so worried I thought it was some insane bodily reaction to the stress. I had to carry the suitcases down the stairs, call a taxi, go get the stroller that I was using as a wheelchair out of the shed, carry my 7 yo out to the taxi etc etc - then wheel all of it in through the airport all myself, all the while worried about him. My mum brought this up yesterday - of course he was drunk wasn't he?!

SparkleKitty

Alcoholism is progressive. The longer the alcoholic indulges the addiction, the worse it gets. Sometimes the decline is gradual, sometimes it happens in fits and starts or all at once. Everyone is different and there is no way to predict anything beyond the blunt fact that it will happen.

honeypig

Steph, this is my ex also. I live in an old farmhouse--he tiled the bathroom floor, we laid a wood floor in the big bedroom, we drywalled a couple of rooms, he did huge amounts of maintenance on vehicles over the years. The list goes on and on.

And when I see him now, he gets dizzy w/even small exertions. His hands shake constantly. He increasingly doesn't seem to remember and/or understand conversations. I don't know if you read either of the threads I posted links to some time ago in another thread of yours, but I talk about this same thing.

I absolutely agree, it seems unbelievable and it's heartbreaking. Sadly, it's the truth of the matter.

StephEgan

Thank you - I will have a look back. I am so discombobulated I'm not sure what I've readand not read at this point! Some links didn't work and sometimes I flipped to read but was too tired with the upset so I shall look back.

sage1969

My XABF is an amazing artist, sculptor, drafts and builds homes from the ground up, etc. He's brilliant. But the alcoholism was so progressed that after 38 years of drinking (he started before he was a teen), just the 1 1/2 years I dated him, there was a huge decline in his memory, physical health, and (dry drunk) personality.

It varies person to person, but once they hit the steep part of the slippery slope, they go down fast.

It's sad and heartbreaking, to see people do this to themselves.

trailmix

He could get treatment for the psychological and physical damage he has now. Hard to say how that would turn out, some may be permanent. It might take years of real commitment on his part to achieve real long term recovery.

Of course all of that would depend on him stopping drinking and getting in to recovery - no matter what. So far, despite the unfolding of events in the last few weeks, all he has actually done is email therapists. Nothing has actually changed (action not words). Recovery is hard, hard work. Pop over to the Newcomers to recovery forum if you want to read about the struggle. It's not for someone who is not committed to it and doesn't have the will to try and try again if it doesn't go to plan.

I have known a few alcoholics, never any in recovery - although I did meet a guy once who didn't drink who, in retrospect was probably in recovery. But he was an odd egg so I have nothing to go by there lol.

StephEgan

It is very sad I had no idea this happened in this manner to people and that they hid it!

I had an hour with my therapist today which was helpful - his father was also an alcoholic who tried to keep it secret til the day he died. His mother knew but had no way to leave. He reminded me of my clarity in the situation I made a big plan and enacted to escape and save my child - he reminded me of my clarity and logic and said that's what I'm doing now - making a plan to keep myself and my child safe and that I'm right basically and that my self confidence will need to be considered after the AH goes as maybe it has taken a knock without me really realising it. When I explained the things my husband says and does in different situations, he said that he is using tactics of enciting fear guilt and doubt in my mind to hide what he is up to. The fear doesn't work on me - he hits thing smashes things etc and I just stare at him and walk away unaffected by the fear but the guilt and doubt have certainly worked well!!! He says this is done purposefully! And that my husband is using the doubt and guilt tactic right now on me being the nice sheepish guy in order to confuse me and make me change my mind knowing full well he intends to continue his drinking. He is trying to help me with my doubt because my doubt is the root of my issue here - doubting myself and my observations and starting to believe the lies - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he does lie and he does sneak lots of vodka ... he thinks that during the incidents where my husband was unable to put the ikea frame together and help me close the trailer, that he was likely drunk and used a technique to confuse me - accusing me of taking too much control of the situation and getting mad and downing tools - so I wouldn't notice he was drunk.

I know recovery must be really hard work and I don't think my husband has the resolve or strength to do it if I'm honest! If recovery was keeping busy doing DIY etc yes - but if it is to do with emotions etc then no!

StephEgan

Yes exactly - he said "I emailed 4 therapists what am I supposed to do" to me last night and I just said nothing. I have already mentioned AA to him but clearly he doesn't think he's suited to that because he is not willing to admit the extent of the problem. More and more stories from years ago are popping into my head now and I'mthinking he was probably drunk or really hungover / alcohol poisoning level and I had no idea! Once we were on a family vacation with my parents in the Outer Hebrides - did I already type this story out?? He and my daughter flew home in this tiny little airplane - only airport in the world that takes off from a beach - anyway - they flew back and my parents and I took the car on the ferry the next day because they both get seasick. This was 4 years ago - when we arrived home the next evening, the house was an absolute tip **** everywhere I flipped out when I walked in the door wondering what on earth had happened - and he was sick as a dog! So then of course I felt bad - he was sick as a dog for a few days vertigo nausea vomiting he couldn't walk said he felt like hewas in a washingmachine. He blamed the flight on that tiny bumpy plane ... but now I'm thinking he got utterly hammered the night before with only him in the house with our daughter. I guess I'll never know the truth of that incident like many others.

Today was a good day - I have felt fine all day today and I think I got a new job today at a nearby pharmacy doing their book keeping - I think I'll start up a sole proprietorship helping small businesses with this sort of thing instead of becoming a remote employee having to be tied to a desk which doesn't work with a sick child.This is just a small start at a new career - 2 days of work a week or something like that doing book keeping, inventory on the POS and managing some contractor works that haven't been completed etcetc so I'm going to propose that she doesn't hire me as an employee and instead just as a contractor on an hourly rate. I think the rate will be low but then I will learn bookkeeping and quickbooks etc so worth taking a lower rate to get trained in a new field!

wehav2day

Alcoholics get so used to lying, it’s second nature after awhile. And this has been a loooong while. You’ve believed all his physical symptoms were not alcohol related, even he probably believes it to a degree. He’s been getting away with this for so long, in comparison it might feel to him that your “new” ideas and resolve are just a blip. He might be somehow hoping that if he lays low, you’ll forget about it.

he might be relatively calm and @fine” for a while this way. Who knows?

what he isn’t… taking responsibility. Making any attempt at recovery. That’s really clear.

wehav2day

Alcoholics get so used to lying, it’s second nature after awhile. And this has been a loooong while. You’ve believed all his physical symptoms were not alcohol related, even he probably believes it to a degree. He’s been getting away with this for so long, in comparison it might feel to him that your “new” ideas and resolve are just a blip. He might be somehow hoping that if he lays low, you’ll forget about it.

he might be relatively calm and @fine” for a while this way. Who knows?

what he isn’t… taking responsibility. Making any attempt at recovery. That’s really clear.

hugs

wehav2day

Oops sorry about the double post!

glad you’re having a better day. It’s impressythat you’re going through all of this and also making next moves on what you want to do career-wise. Amazing

StephEgan

Yes - you are completely right. He does get TERRIBLE car sickness and sea sickness etc and has sincea child and has also always had weird sleep things sleep walking etc so the plane thing was believableto an extent but I'm really questioning it now.

I do alsothink you are right in that he probably thinks I'll move on from this idea and things can go back to how they were - but he should know me well enough to know thta when I figure something out, I know I'm right and I take action quickly! I feel sad for him and wonder what will happen to him now. I guess only time will tell.

StephEgan

Idon't like to mope around for long although I'm sure there are MANY more sad days ahead but I need to get a career going again and this is a perfect opportunity for me to get going at something! I'm just waiting on her call I hope she calls and offers it to me!!

I worked for government in climate change for decades and that's what my degree is in but i'm sick of that industry - I randomly got a 6 month job managing a group of pharmacies in Feb and now this Pharmacy seems keen on me so maybe my new career is helping village pharmacies with their business processes and admin - who knows lol!