Izabelle0296

Yesterday my husband saw our adult son raging outside his friends car. No shoes on, looking like wreck. My husband stopped on the road and angrily yelled ,"What the **** are you doing??" Our son responded with giving him the finger with both hands and swearing. DH told him to not come home.
That's what everyone says is the only good response, throw him out. I'm so afraid now. For sons health and safety. Still. I have been, for so long. He wouldn't talk to me, he answers questions in a stonewalling, convoluted way. He snaps at me and let's me know he's not going to put up with my intrusive behavior.
idk where he's been for 2 days. I keep looking out the window. I keep waiting for a call asking for my help, or bad news. I keep fighting the urge to crawl back to bed. I keep fighting the urge to call him.. He's so lost and I love him. What do I do now?

trailmix

hi Izabelle, so glad you found the forum.

I know you are worried, that's completely normal of course, however have you stopped to maybe ponder if he did come back right now, what that means?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm certain you didn't wish this for your Son and I'm sure it wasn't what he aspired to be, but this is the real situation right now.

So he normally lives with you, does he work, have treatment at all, has he shown any sign of wanting to quit drinking?

PeacefulWater12

I am sorry to read about your situation. So difficult for you and your husband.

Heart breaking however you cannot have a raging alcoholic living in your home. Is just too much stress for anyone. Also if he carries on acting like that with no consequences, it is not doing your son any good either.

Thinking of you.

SouthernSober

https://al-anon.org/

Izabelle0296

Yes, he lives with us. He has a job. He has stopped drinking before and told me he stopped because he just wanted to. He said it proves he's able to stop. He was in treatment once several years ago. It made a difference and he started to progress and heal. It slipped away, tho.
thank you for being here. It means so much.
I want to call him but I think that's probably not a good idea.

Izabelle0296

Yes, I am trying to make decisions that will be the most helpful for all of us. So hard.
Thank you for taking the time for us. I really need to find my way.

trailmix

You're right, if he wanted to be in contact he would contact you. I hope you will take some time to read around the forum and in particular the stickies at the top, this is a good place to browse: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

It's tough. Your Son probably needs help but he perhaps doesn't want help right now, that's a tough place for a parent to be.

Keep in mind he is a grown man and will make his own decisions and that really you can't help him make those decisions. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it - the 3 c's.

There is a book often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. You may want to read it as it can help to put things in perspective and also talks about your own boundaries (and looking after yourself).

I'm sure you are very stressed, maybe it's time to start looking out for yourself.

Both these things are true, but they aren't interrelated, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just have to let them go to find their way, whatever that is.

venuscat

I am going to jump in if that is OK. s

I get the tough love part....but I would call him.
Maybe he is ready to go to rehab. ❤️

dandylion

Isabel,,,,,,,It is one thing to "stop". It is another thing to stay stopped. An alcoholic is an alcoholic for life----unless they get into Genuine Recovery. This means that they will have to live by the Principles Of Recovery in a program like AA.
I suggest that you are going to need to really educate yourself about the realities of the disease of alcoholism. There is sooo much to know about how the disease behaves. If you don't become educated in this way---he will be able to walk all over you and your husband like a rug.

I have been through the same things that you are going through with one of my adult sons, several years ago. It was horrible and such a drain on me----I had to learn what I learned through experience and the hep of some really good long recovering alcoholics.
I think that long recovering alcoholics are a wonderful resource for you---I am talking in Recovery through AA for 10 or fifteen years or more!

We mothers have a hard time, because we grew them in our own bodies and then spent a few decades tending to them. It is hard when we have to draw hard lines because they are a part of us.
Neverthe less, that is what you will have to do. You will always love him, but part of that love will have to be doing the Right Thing----even when it is the hardest thing to do.

At one point I had to have my son leave our house. (He would come and stay for some periods of time---when he wanted "help" of some kind. He was actually a handsome, intelligent, hard working, nice guy----and, also had crossed the li ne into alcoholism. It tore my heart up.
When I finally had to invite him to leave my house---I told him that he could never--never--enter my house if he was drinking even one drop. He was allowed to visit and socialize, but, Never "live" there again!
Guess what----he move to the woods--lived in a tent behind a large shopping center for several months! He did continue to visit me when he was sober---and we injpyed his visits very much.
I knew that I had to put him on his own. I knew that was the only way to save our relationship and for me to stop enabling him. Up till then, I id enable him, out of my soft mother's heart. I did apologise to him for enabling him. The enabling was on me and I had to takeresponsibility for it.
I believe the time living in the woods was a great learning experience for him.

How old is your son? By chance, does he have any other co-occuring diagnoses---like ADHD, autism spectrum, chronic depression, chronic anxiety. low self esteem issues, etc.?

Izabelle0296

I will definitely look at those writings, ty.
ya know, he sent my husband a horrible text right after their scene. AS called him names and threw up past bad problems and pretty much blamed DH for his madness. His father didn't reply. For all I know, AS may have smashed his phone, again.

Bute

And you will find your way Izabelle. I relate to how you are feeling, anxious and upset over your son, I think all mums and dads can. I was exactly the same.
No matter how much we love them, it won't change them. Living with an acctive addict, is horrendous. My home became a place I didn't want to be. Constantly on tenderhooks, waiting for the next explosion. Our homes should be our safe place, our sanctuary.
It sounds like it's time for you to step back, and let him figure this out, without you and your husband being sucked into the complete madness of addiction.
Take each day as it comes, and deal with it.

Much Love
Bute xx

Izabelle0296

Dandelion,
oh, such pain you know as well. I'm here to learn and grow. I will aim to be strong as you were and hope to have my son back again. I see we must live our lives on our terms; accepting only sober living.
Our son was always shy and somewhat self conscious. He's very smart , loving and witty. He was treated for depression years ago, but he didn't like the medication and decided not to take it. He did well for a while, still never truly independent. These days, he's grumpy, says "I don't care." as the first response, and most responses. Rolls his eyes and acts exasperated when I talk to him. Stays in his room except to go to work.
I wonder if his current overall "depressed" mood is a result of his alcohol soaked brain and the loss of control in his life.
A few months ago he was planning on finally getting his own place. He drank that dream.

Izabelle0296

Bute,
Truth is I'm afraid he's gonna get so bad, he's gonna die. I hear other people talk, and I don't know if my son has the sense others had. Will he know enough to get himself out of this mess? Will he get himself into horrible trouble? I wait and cry.

Izabelle0296

It's OK? I'll call him and see. I hope he still has phone.

Izabelle0296

No answer.

venuscat

Sorry.....just my feelings is all love. I am the alcoholic in this equation....or I was. My parents went through hell with me.

For me, I would just be glad that the phone is on. And he will see the missed call. Maybe that will help somehow. At least a police officer didn't answer it...so he is safe somewhere. That would be my hope.

dandylion

Izabel.....it is hard to know about the origins of his depression. Actually, medication isn't always the answer for every kind of depression---but, that needs to be determinded by a competent psychiatrist or psychologist. Even with medication, the counseling remains soo important with depression.
Of course, alcohol is, in itself, a depressant. Even a person who has never had depression can become depressed just from the drinking.
Even if you were Sigmund Freud, this is above your abilities. You are too close to it---and, alcoholics respond best to professionals or other alcoholics (who are in recovery).

A special word for you. This is going to be a long haul---probably a much longer time that you want. Fasten your seat belt, because this is going to be a marathon---;not a sprint! There will be ups and downs along the way, I predict. I have never seen it any other way.
For this reason, I suggest that support for You is essential. I think you could use a support group of other parents who are facing the same kind of issues. Alanon and Naranon would be good;
Of course, as I had mentioned, educating yourself is a must. You need to know the things that your son probably won't know about addiction/alcoholism.
In addition to the support group....an individual counselor for yourself is another good investment in YOUR wellbeing.
You need all the help you can ger. Reach out for it.

From what you have shared, so far----I predict that he is going to stay very angry for a while. He is blaming his father, as what is called "deflection". If he can blame someone else, he doesn't have to take responsibility, himself. He may stay out of contact with you two as a way to "punish" you. expect it, if it hapoens.
Try not to worry about him and where he is living, etc. Alcoholics are much more resorceful than you think. He will have more ability to survive than you imagine.
If you got smashed by a damned old train---he would survive!
He may try to guilt trip you in a million ways. He will know how to do it....lol. Kids always know where their parents' hat buttons are, and they will lean on them, if necessary.

Don't worry about if he "likes" you or not. If he loved you at 6 years old, he still loves you----way, way, way down deep. That won't go away.

Another question---how is the relatiohship with your husband doing? Are he and you on the same page, with this? Can you count on him for support?

How old did you say that your son is?

Izabelle0296

Venuscat, I like your attitude! Ty for accentuating the positive.

Izabelle0296

Dandelion, I'll work on getting ready for this. My husband and I are a unified front. He's more vocal and law -laying than I am. He has a huge influence on our son and I'm counting on that when and if the opportunity for rehab arrives. I know what I've been doing is useless, so when he told our son not to come home, I will respect that. It's more than I have done. I can't get through the stonewalling no matter how I tried. Our son is around 30.

dandylion

Izabel......I have one more suggestion for you and your husband to think about. (lol...I am full of suggestions). If you have the ability to send offer him a rehab center---I Strongly suggest that you consider a DUAL DIAGNOSIS rehab center. A great number pf alcoholics are drinking, in part, to medicate an underlying disorder. If all of the issues are not addressed---alcoholism and any other condition---it will probably fail. You may want to research about dual diagnosis centers---sometimes called co-occuring conditions.
You mentioned something---you said that you worried that he didn't have as much sense as some others. I wonder what you meant by that---do you think he has some sort of deficit that makes him have special needs? If so, then he certainly would need a dual diagnosis rehab center. I am just asking.