StephEgan

In hospital with my 9 yo who has crashed- getting her iv so sitting here reading. In Facebook group I joined people keep sharing with me info about narcissistic men Alcoholics- most of it did not ring true but then I saw someone talk about trauma bonding and it rings loudly in my ears.

The cycle - abusive yelling, slamming, punching tables etc just generally being an asset who we don't want to be around then gets so bad after months and it feels like I get through to him. He is then nice and fairly calm offers compliments does lots of extra cooking and cleaning buys us little things etc. Usually lasts a month but can last longer til I start to think he has changed- then the angry version returns with a vengeance and so the cycle continues.

It confuses me because he is so loving and helpful but also so nasty !!

I have read a few articles and it seems to fit. I think it has happened to my daughter too! I will speak to therapist about this on Tuesday.

SparkleKitty

This is the classic cycle of abuse: Tensions build to an Incident, followed by Reconiliation and then a period of Calm before Tensions begin Building again.

It doesn't matter why it happens or what it's called; no one should be living in it.

trailmix

Yes, it is classic and yes you are no doubt experiencing it.

There is that and the alcoholism. You have been living with all of this for quite some time, so it's not surprising you have built up some resiliency to it. The abnormal becomes normal.

As SK said, doesn't mean you should be living in it. I guess that is what you are struggling with now.

The most important thing, I think, at this stage is to ask yourself, is this what I want? Not "hoping" he will miraculously become non-abusive or not an alcoholic, but seeing this just as it is. Seeing him just as he is. You can't change him, only he can do that, with a lot of work and only when he chooses to, not a moment before. So to stay means to accept him just the way he is.

StephEgan

Thank you ladies - my mind is blownright now. 17 years!!! I think back to our dating and all of the signs were there with the hot and cold and the disappearing acts at times with not calling then showing back up acting like there's no issue at all here. My friends warned me and I remember one night, my ex SIL sitting on the porch with me warning me! I didn't listen - something about him was intoxicating for me - the Scottish accent? Who knows! I cannot believe I fell for this for 17 yrs!!!! I am a good looking woman with a good education intelligent come from a pretty well to do family and had every opportunity open to me - I had a great job in an oil company in Calgary and a beautiful 2 story condo that I owned and I sold it all and went to Scotland. Why did I put myself through this? Because I was single for a year and was sick of it and thought I would never find the right person and for some reason, thought he was the bees knees?!

Now I feel like the last 17 yrs were a big lie - who am I?! I thought nobody better was out there?! WTF is my problem - I'll need to address all of this and I guess spend time alone for a while but I know everyone says that, then hooks up quickly!

What pisses me off too is he has been "nice" for 3 days and my dad is completely fooled by this. Last night, we were having drinks and he says he is going golfing today - my dad is all "oh good for you ....." as though he deserves some reward for going golfing?! I'm home caring for a sick child and going to the hospital and I didn't get any "good for you"! Thankfully, my mother is seeing it all very clearly now and she is in the background trying to get my dad to see it too so I'l have more support when this ends as I think is inevitable now that I've been shaken awake!! "All that is hidden shall be revealed" and that is happening now !

Thank you all so much for your messages - I know I'm being super needy right now and I really appreciate you complete strangers trying to help me.

StephEgan

Interesting info re emotinally destructive marriages https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nY-rQQsgvs

trailmix

Yes, you won't be able to un-see it now. But don't blame yourself too much, it's not that hard to get caught up in your everyday life, especially since you have a child that needs extra care and you go along with your life and then, maybe,, you find something (like the vodka, like the receipt) and think, wait a minute and then you look at the whole picture.

Once you have gotten away from this a bit you will be able to clear the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Yes, when people have been - less than stellar, they tend to get accolades for the slightest thing, Golf, that's wonderful! Hey, you took out the garbage and went to work every day this week! Things everyone else does all the time.

DiggingForFire

If you have time to read, consider reading “why does he do that,” by Lundy Bancroft. It is the best book I have read about the topic of abusive men, not just “narcissists”, which is a pretty narrow category.

i’m so sorry about your daughter. I hope she improves quickly.

StephEgan

Thank you - I shall have a look She is feeling much better today - the saline iv is like a miracle treatment for her. She usually gets 4 good weeks after that.

dbyrer

When you know better, you do better.