London85

Hi
I am ok. Hes at work and I'm at home.
Sadly I don't have anywhere to go....I don't have any friends anymore or anyone to reach out too.
I am just hoping he comes home from work sobre today 😥😥😥😥

I did reach out to the neighbor who said if I need to run, I can go there xx

Cookie314

It's alright, you never truly have nowhere to go. I'm glad you were able to reach out to your neighbor, having someone so close who is aware of your situation is a huge boon. There are hotlines you can call for domestic abuse, as well as support groups online. You could also try calling the police office, not 911, but the office itself (or wait... if you're not in the US your version of 911) to discuss options. You might even be able to get information from the clerk at the court directly about restraining orders and such.

I don't know your situation with friends or family. Being isolated from your support group is a very common tactic of abusers. In fact it's essential for abuse to flourish. If those connections have atrophied due to lack of contact and such, instead of some direct fight or something, you may well be able to begin rekindling them by describing your situation. There are people on here to talk to, people on those hotlines, even people in detox and rehab facilities who may have access to resources designed to help the families of those addicted. My point here is you are not alone in this.

I don't know what the right answer to this is, I haven't been in your position directly. When things really reached a head with my AH, he was not physically threatening me. At most he was belligerent when following me around or getting heated while I was in a compromised position like a corner or the shower.

It was still intimidating, but the fact that your partner has already choked you is a very different matter. You already have direct confirmation that he escalates heightened incidents to a physical level. When combined with alcohol, that is an incredibly dangerous situation for you. Choking in particular is a very strong indicator of how deadly his actions could become.

I'm sorry you're in such a scary situation, but you are not as trapped and powerless as you feel. You already know you have a neighbor to get yourself to physically. Tbh, I would go there now, with no notification to your partner. I know it is scary, and feels like over kill, but the other side of that coin is being trapped in a situation where you need to run, and no longer can. When you combine alcohol with someone who is physically violent and controlling of you, all bets are off as to what is coming next from him.

What can you grab around you right now? Could you pack up enough to leave within the hour? Consider grabbing:
clothes/ socks/ shoes
hygiene supplies/ menstrual supplies/ medications
all cash in the house
phone/ laptop/ charging blocks and cables
personally important paperwork (ssn cards, birth certificates, titles, etc)
wallet/ cards/ account info/ password books
small travel snacks and water bottles

If you think of more of course grab it. The point is you want to have a bag that let's you get to safety physically immediately, then take care of the logistics after. If you have that important paperwork, you can make contact with your employer, doctors, lawyers, landlord, etc without returning to the house. If able, impose on your neighbor to leave that stuff at their house so you don't even have to grab it, though tbh I would just leave as well.

I know you hope he will be sober, we all do. But placing your hope and trust in an addict, particularly one who hurts you, is a recipe to get hurt. If you do all this and it turns out to be unnecessary, that's fine. The issue comes from not doing it, and being trapped in a deadly situation. If you decide you don't want to leave so fast, then at most you've left a bag of clothes, money, and important papers outside of your house for a bit. If you realize you do need to leave though, those preparations will allow you to do so instantly.

Please be careful, and keep us posted. You are stronger than you think, and you are not alone in this.

advbike

Hoping he will be sober each day is not a plan. Alcoholism is progressive, and this is going to get worse, so please take the suggestions made above to heart. The violent behavior is inexusable under any circumstances. I also want to point out that you have undoubtedly developed some codependency already - blaming yourself, wanting to care for him, allowing the abuse, feeling insecure about your capabilities, etc. This will affect your judgement. At the minimum, put together a bug-out bag of essentials and leave with the neighbor, then make a plan to relocate somewhere safe as soon as possible. Certainly they have some sort of temporary housing for women there in UK? Contact a hotline for support. A long term plan would be thinking about permanent re-location, job, etc.

sage1969

Please reach out to a domestic violence hotline. They can help with resources for shelter and legal issues.

Reach out to us here at SR, many of us have been through this. I don't mind if you read back on my posts, I've shared some similar experiences; feel free to message.

Follow your gut intuition on this one. If you think you need to sleep in a locked room, it's time to get out.

trailmix

I'm glad you spoke to your neighbour.

You have us, you have your neighbour, you have the police and you have the people at Domestic Violence centers that you can speak to as well.

Ultimately I hope you will formulate a plan to get him to leave or for you to leave? Have you given this any thought? I hope he shows up sober as well but you need a good solid plan for the very likely event that he will be drinking, or will start to drink when he gets home, it's what alcoholics do.

Here is some more information for you, from the stickies section at the top of the forum here. I hope you will call the DV center, they can help you, give you places to go, advice and help you formulate a plan. Please don't hesitate to call them, nothing you tell them will be a surprise to them, this is their daily work and they understand completely.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/343876-how-leave.html (How to leave)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/138484-dv-hotline-phone-numbers-related-information.html

If nothing else please write down the numbers and put them in your wallet so you will always have them handy. It would be far better to contact them now.

You know London, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve a safe place to live, not a place to live where a tyrant attacks you.

London85

Hes not sobre. Hes just got in and passed out drunk.
I've hidden the drink I found in his bag. Packed one for myself and hidden that too.
The numbers are saved .... and I'm going to leave as soon as I can xx

royjason96

It is not you fault in any way that he drank. He drank because he is an alcoholic. It is common for alcoholics who quit for a short time to think they can safely drink again.

Cookie314

Please be careful London. I wouldn't touch his drinks, or make any indication that it bothers you or that you want to leave. Right now, your focus is on your safety, not trying to protect him from his drinking. What if he wakes up, wants that drink in his bag, and can't find it? You are the first, and main target for that aggression in that instance. Now is not the time to get into discussions about your feelings, your relationship, your futures, etc. When someone has already turned to choking you, there's not many lines left to cross that bode well for you. I'm glad to hear you want to leave, but don't poke the bear as it were

In situations such as yours, leaving is often the most dangerous time for you. Listen to your gut and your lizard brain right now, not your "higher thinking." It's your lizard brain, the primitive part of you that senses threats and dangers, that tells you to lock your door at night. You feel unsafe, and try to create that barrier. Your higher thinking brain is the part that rationalizes his actions with things that undermine your self confidence. That gut feeling you're getting that this -situation- is wrong, that's accurate.

If you're able, use the fact that he's currently unconscious to your advantage. Right now you know where he is. Grab your sh*t, and get the h*ll out of there. You are strong enough to do this, and brave enough to face the unknown.

trailmix

That's great you have your plan. I also would put the alcohol back in his bag where you found it. If he wakes up and can't find it that could set him off. Your goal here is to keep yourself safe. If you are going to stay for a while, if he starts to drink again, that would be your cue to get out of there. You don't even need to tell him where you are going, just keep your bag near the door (a closet?) and go quickly - a hotel a longgggg drive, next door? Would it be possible to go to your car now and call the DV hotline? Whatever you need to do.

London85

Hes been awake....played out with me ...wanted my attention.
I think he was so drunk he wouldn't even remember having the drunk.

If he touches me again I will leave. I havnt spoken to him about what hes doing. I'm going to just carry on being normal until I have a plan of what I'm doing and where I am going long term.

I've just listened to a alnon meeting....its made me feel so much more calm x

Cookie314

It sounds likely he was in blackout from your description, and I'm glad you're checking out groups like al anon. What concerns me is the sentiment of "if he touches me again" and waiting until you have a long term plan. London, what if the next time he touches you, it's to go for another choke? If he actually had his hand on your throat, could you physically break away or stop him? A facade of normality is appropriate while interacting with him, but any time spent in his presence, particularly while he's drunk, is a huge risk. Why wait for him to touch you again? What of you are in a situation where he doesn't want to stop? Unless you are willing and capable of physically stopping him in that instance, your best safety net is distance. The best form of self defense is putting yourself in a position where the fight can't even start.

I understand the fear of being homeless, of not having somewhere to call your own, of not knowing what your next steps forward are. But the nice thing about those fears is that you are alive to experience them. If I can get a metaphor across properly, imagine people evacuating from the incoming hurricane. They don't know if they will have a home to return to, and in the long run are probably thinking of modifications to their homes that will allow them to withstand the storm. But in the short term, their first priority is escape. They need to physically remove themselves from the danger in order to survive, even if their long term plans are uncertain.

This is the same situation you are in. You need to find physical safety. What planning for the future can only be done from your current home? What in that location allows you to plan ahead that another place doesn't? If you have access to your phone, computer, paperwork, finances, etc from a hotel or your neighbors or a safe house, what is stopping you from making plans there? Right now you need to escape the storm. You need to ensure your physical safety, so that you can survive the short term. Why leave your long term plans up to the chance that he either won't touch you again, or if he does, that he stops that time?

I know this is scary, and I realize I'm pushing you hard here, possibly past being appropriate. I just really want you to consider what is keeping you there with him right now. The fact that you are nervous, hiding his drinks, locking your door, and posting here shows you know your situation is unsafe. Even though leaving your home into the unknown is terrible, is staying worth the risk? I am advocating that you leave, but can't force you to. That said, staying around him risks that he puts you in a situation where he removes that choice from you.

London85

Just wanted to check in and say I am ok.

The drinking hasn't esculated..we have spoken so much about it and what happened.

Its still so hard to try move on and support him trying to recover.
but I am here and I am ok and my bag is still packed for just incase

PeacefulWater12

Why not go now? You don't have to wait for it all to happen again.

You are allowed to protect yourself.

You got your bag packed, just get yourself to safety.

Look after yourself. You cannot help him recover, if he does decided to. He needs other alcoholics for that.

You are worth it and deserve far better than this. Take care.

London85

Because I'm not giving up on him.

Saying just walk away is like saying to a alcoholic just stop drinking.
It's not that black and white is it.

SparkleKitty

It isn’t black and white, no, of course not. But letting go isn’t the same as giving up, either.

Giving up implies that by doing what you might need to do to protect yourself, you are denying him some vital tool he needs to recover. When in fact you have no control over his recovery, any more than you had over his drinking.

Everyone here wants you to be safe, that’s all. What you have described here is very frightening, and many of us have been there and have seen where that kind of aggression and violence can lead. We get that you love him, but please don’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

PeacefulWater12

This man grabbed you by the throat.

You cannot cure him, all you can do is let go and protect yourself.

Is not about giving up on him, it is about protecting yourself from harm. How does him injuring you, help his recovery?

London85

I'm not trying to cure anyone. I understand this is his fight not mine.

I understand what he did was wrong and he shouldn't have ever put hands on me. I'm not justifying what he did. However after 10 years of knowing someone I think I can say that was out of character of him.

I appreciate your comments, I really do however I guess nobody knows the full story but me and him.

ScottFromWI

Alcoholism is a progressive condition. And when he is drinking, he’s not the person you know. And of course he will play it down in the few lucid moments of sobriety, but he’s manipulating you plain and simple. Please have an escape plan and use it.

London85

** Admin can you delete my account please I cannot message you**

I appreciate what you are all saying but this isn't helping at all.
advice is advice and I take on board the be safe and I will.

London85

You was all right. I was trying to see the good.
Ive reached out to friends and family I isolated before to ask for help getting me out of here.
Staying with a friend tomorrow and looking for somewhere to live.
I need to leave before my spirit gets broken.