He’s drinking again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 14
He’s drinking again
Best four weeks sober with him. Friday he said he cracked it and felt he could social drink. Social drink we did.
Yesterday was fine. No drinks.
Today he drank with his friends. He’s now up drinking alone. Now it isn’t social again and I see the same man as before. Back are the nasty comments.
I feel like this is all my fault and this is going to spiral out of control again!! My heart is hurting so much.
Yesterday was fine. No drinks.
Today he drank with his friends. He’s now up drinking alone. Now it isn’t social again and I see the same man as before. Back are the nasty comments.
I feel like this is all my fault and this is going to spiral out of control again!! My heart is hurting so much.
So Sorry LondonCommunity Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
London.....for an alcoholic, there is no "cracking it". For an alcoholic, it is not possible to do controlled drinking as a nonalcoholic person might do. If an alcoholic wants to live a life of sobriety, they must remain totally abstinent.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 46
So sorry, London. It can give you so much hope to see them sober, only to be disappointed when they drink again. It is absolutely not your fault. He is making the choice to drink. Have you tried Alanon? One of the slogans is “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it”( the disease of alcoholism). Alanon helped me understand the disease and regain my sanity. There are many supportive people here. You’re not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Sorry to hear, but not a surprise really, after I went back and read your posts from earlier this month. It's really hard for alcoholics to quit for long. Once they begin to feel better physically and mentally, the AV (Addictive Voice) begins whispering in their ear that they can handle "a couple" drinks again. It's really just the primitive brain wanting more. The same brain that wants air and food and sex. Especially during times of increased emotions, because alcohol was used to dampen them.
If you read in the Newcomers section here you will see a half dozen posts about it at any given time. People wondering what happened. Thinking they could return to moderate drinking. Unfortunately it never works. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. There is a great book about it called Alcohol Explained by William Porter, if you want to learn how it works from a physiological and psychological standpoint. Easy to read, not preachy at all.
If you read in the Newcomers section here you will see a half dozen posts about it at any given time. People wondering what happened. Thinking they could return to moderate drinking. Unfortunately it never works. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. There is a great book about it called Alcohol Explained by William Porter, if you want to learn how it works from a physiological and psychological standpoint. Easy to read, not preachy at all.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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London, please understand that this is not your fault. Unless you held him down and poured the alcohol into his mouth, it's all on him. You might want to learn all you can about alcoholism. Nothing you say, don't say, do, or don't do, would ever make an alcoholic drink. They drink because they are alcoholics.
You are not responsible for what he says or does. That's all on him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
It is not you fault in any way that he drank. He drank because he is an alcoholic. It is common for alcoholics who quit for a short time to think they can safely drink again. Within a very short time the problem is back in full force.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 2
There is no "cracking it." It's something that stays with you forever. It's one of the only things you have to be hospitalized for because you can die from the withdrawals. You could go years without drinking but the second you take a drink, your body remembers and it starts all over again.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I'm sorry London, it's tough feeling the guilt and helplessness from watching your partner drink. The others are absolutely correct though, you are not at fault for this. Unfortunately it's very common for addicts to go through stages where they are simply sober, but not truly recovering. Your first post was a good example of how nasty a dry drunk can be. Life with an addict is chaos.
It's very easy to get wrapped up in, and overwhelmed by your fears of things spiraling again. The roller coaster is quite relentless in that way. A few things that really helped me were to:
1. Set up my own health routines and stick with them. Such as going to bed at the same time, waking up early enough to have a good breakfast and sit with my cat before work, going on a walk every day after I got home (my AH was invited, but if he turned it down then I went on my own), making Sunday my chore day so I could relax guilt free Saturday, etc. Having that stable routine helped me a lot. You never know what you're coming home to when you live with an addict. Knowing what you're doing helps alleviate that a bit.
2. Make a concerted effort not to isolate myself, and to maintain my support network. I've always been introverted, in fact it's something my AH and I have in common. I have to make an effort to reach out to my loved ones and initiate contact. Isolation when you're struggling with this stuff is a killer. Your friends and family can help support you through it, and places like here or AlAnon meetings and such can keep you in contact with people who've shared in your experiences. (It was Dandylion who told me that "when you've already been down the river, you learn where all the rocks are.") There are a lot of resources to help you through this.
3. Making a list of your boundaries to discuss with your partner, and sticking with them. (Though an important distinction is a boundary is your response to a stimulus, not a rule for him to follow).
So an example, I tried having a boundary of no alcohol in the house, no one was allowed to drink in our house. If they did, they would need to leave, my AH included. That's all well and good, until your addict refuses to agree. At first my AH did leave the house when I came home to him drunk and said he'd need to find a hotel. He used those times to spend a week or so binging, usually to the point where something broke and he ended up in the hospital. Eventually though, he turned it around, telling me the rule was "just a social boundary" that he didn't have to follow, and he drank as he pleased.
I had no recourse for this. There was nothing I could do. We both owned our home, so unless he physically threatened me I couldn't call the police (and if they did remove him then I'd have to deal with the fallout when he returned), I wasn't strong enough to physically make him leave, and he didn't care about how his actions hurt me. That's the difference between a boundary vs a rule. A rule like "no alcohol or drinking in our house" is great until they don't follow it. Rules that you can't enforce only work on people who respect you, something an addict does not.
Boundaries you can use are things you will do. So, if he's being hurtful and disrespectful, your response would be to cut off contact with him. "If you can't treat me with love and respect, then I will stop talking to you until you do." The difference here is that you are controlling your actions, not his. If he continues to be an a**, then you will not engage. You are only controlling your response. If you'd like more ideas I will try to find the list of boundaries I made a while ago. Others in here have lots of great input on that front.
I realize I've written more here than everyone's else's posts combined, but since you're so new I really wanted to make these points. His actions are not your fault, and you can't control them. You can only control your responses to the chaos. Whether you stay together, or hit your limit and decide to get off the roller coaster, those points stay true with this relationship and any others you may have. I hope we see more of you on here. There's a lot of great people in this community to help support you.
It's very easy to get wrapped up in, and overwhelmed by your fears of things spiraling again. The roller coaster is quite relentless in that way. A few things that really helped me were to:
1. Set up my own health routines and stick with them. Such as going to bed at the same time, waking up early enough to have a good breakfast and sit with my cat before work, going on a walk every day after I got home (my AH was invited, but if he turned it down then I went on my own), making Sunday my chore day so I could relax guilt free Saturday, etc. Having that stable routine helped me a lot. You never know what you're coming home to when you live with an addict. Knowing what you're doing helps alleviate that a bit.
2. Make a concerted effort not to isolate myself, and to maintain my support network. I've always been introverted, in fact it's something my AH and I have in common. I have to make an effort to reach out to my loved ones and initiate contact. Isolation when you're struggling with this stuff is a killer. Your friends and family can help support you through it, and places like here or AlAnon meetings and such can keep you in contact with people who've shared in your experiences. (It was Dandylion who told me that "when you've already been down the river, you learn where all the rocks are.") There are a lot of resources to help you through this.
3. Making a list of your boundaries to discuss with your partner, and sticking with them. (Though an important distinction is a boundary is your response to a stimulus, not a rule for him to follow).
So an example, I tried having a boundary of no alcohol in the house, no one was allowed to drink in our house. If they did, they would need to leave, my AH included. That's all well and good, until your addict refuses to agree. At first my AH did leave the house when I came home to him drunk and said he'd need to find a hotel. He used those times to spend a week or so binging, usually to the point where something broke and he ended up in the hospital. Eventually though, he turned it around, telling me the rule was "just a social boundary" that he didn't have to follow, and he drank as he pleased.
I had no recourse for this. There was nothing I could do. We both owned our home, so unless he physically threatened me I couldn't call the police (and if they did remove him then I'd have to deal with the fallout when he returned), I wasn't strong enough to physically make him leave, and he didn't care about how his actions hurt me. That's the difference between a boundary vs a rule. A rule like "no alcohol or drinking in our house" is great until they don't follow it. Rules that you can't enforce only work on people who respect you, something an addict does not.
Boundaries you can use are things you will do. So, if he's being hurtful and disrespectful, your response would be to cut off contact with him. "If you can't treat me with love and respect, then I will stop talking to you until you do." The difference here is that you are controlling your actions, not his. If he continues to be an a**, then you will not engage. You are only controlling your response. If you'd like more ideas I will try to find the list of boundaries I made a while ago. Others in here have lots of great input on that front.
I realize I've written more here than everyone's else's posts combined, but since you're so new I really wanted to make these points. His actions are not your fault, and you can't control them. You can only control your responses to the chaos. Whether you stay together, or hit your limit and decide to get off the roller coaster, those points stay true with this relationship and any others you may have. I hope we see more of you on here. There's a lot of great people in this community to help support you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 14
It got worse
You are all so right. Hes functioned during the week and gone to work.
but now its bank holiday its back to the old ways . He was drinking when I got up last two days at 7am in the morning.
Today it got worse. Hes verbally abusive when hes drunk but today he pulled my hair too.
Is there any ending to this I feel so stuck here and I'm so scared now he's crossed the line and pulled my hair what's next when hes next drunk .
but now its bank holiday its back to the old ways . He was drinking when I got up last two days at 7am in the morning.
Today it got worse. Hes verbally abusive when hes drunk but today he pulled my hair too.
Is there any ending to this I feel so stuck here and I'm so scared now he's crossed the line and pulled my hair what's next when hes next drunk .
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I know that you are very disappointed because you have wanted him to be sober so much, and you have arranged a lot of your life around him.
I wish that I could tell you different, but. this is probably as good as it is going to get. When an alcoholic drinks the first drink, it causes then to want 100 more. They lose control over the alcohol---that is the basis of the condition of alcoholism.
Once the alcoholic drinks to the point of black--out drinking, there is no predicting what they may do---and, they can't predict it, either. Furthermore, they do not remember what they did when black-out drunk.
Alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it gets worse over time. It sounds like his condition has spiraled quite far along, at this point---after many years of drinking.
The 3 C's. You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CURE it.. You can't CONTROL it.
London---I suggest that it has come time to think about your own safety and your future welfare. He is controlled by the drink and he won't be of any help to you/
He is not able to, at this point. The reality for him is that just white knuckling won't do it. To live a sober life, he wouldn't be able to take another drink for the rest of his life/ He would have to be in a program like AA and live by the principles in his daily life.
To get into a solid sober life change could take years.
As woman to woman, I feel obligated to tell you the truth. even though I know it is the last tning you want to hear.
I wish that I could tell you different, but. this is probably as good as it is going to get. When an alcoholic drinks the first drink, it causes then to want 100 more. They lose control over the alcohol---that is the basis of the condition of alcoholism.
Once the alcoholic drinks to the point of black--out drinking, there is no predicting what they may do---and, they can't predict it, either. Furthermore, they do not remember what they did when black-out drunk.
Alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it gets worse over time. It sounds like his condition has spiraled quite far along, at this point---after many years of drinking.
The 3 C's. You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CURE it.. You can't CONTROL it.
London---I suggest that it has come time to think about your own safety and your future welfare. He is controlled by the drink and he won't be of any help to you/
He is not able to, at this point. The reality for him is that just white knuckling won't do it. To live a sober life, he wouldn't be able to take another drink for the rest of his life/ He would have to be in a program like AA and live by the principles in his daily life.
To get into a solid sober life change could take years.
As woman to woman, I feel obligated to tell you the truth. even though I know it is the last tning you want to hear.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
London I'm sorry this is happening, I know it's painful for you..
It's truly not your fault, he picked up a drink and drank it, that's not anything to do with you, you know? As protective of him as you are and as caring, he is still a grown person and he makes his own decisions. Even for me (not an alcoholic) I get offered plenty of drinks, but I don't drink unless I actually want to, grown up decisions.
What if this is as good as it ever gets? Keeping your expectations of him very low might be wise, it doesn't look like he is ready to quit drinking. This helps to protect you. Focusing back in on yourself and what you need and want is really important, self care. Your world revolving around his alcoholism is a real negative for you and your wellbeing.
You are right to be concerned about hair pulling, it could be the start down a slippery slope.
There is a book recommended around here more often than any other, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. You might find it really interesting, especially the parts about boundaries (which are meant to protect you).
It's truly not your fault, he picked up a drink and drank it, that's not anything to do with you, you know? As protective of him as you are and as caring, he is still a grown person and he makes his own decisions. Even for me (not an alcoholic) I get offered plenty of drinks, but I don't drink unless I actually want to, grown up decisions.
What if this is as good as it ever gets? Keeping your expectations of him very low might be wise, it doesn't look like he is ready to quit drinking. This helps to protect you. Focusing back in on yourself and what you need and want is really important, self care. Your world revolving around his alcoholism is a real negative for you and your wellbeing.
You are right to be concerned about hair pulling, it could be the start down a slippery slope.
There is a book recommended around here more often than any other, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. You might find it really interesting, especially the parts about boundaries (which are meant to protect you).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
First the man takes a drink
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes tha man..
I'm sorry to hear what has happened London. If he is drinking in the morning his addiction is now in control. He's crossed the line of having much say in the matter because he feels so bad physically that he needs to keep alcohol in his system to cope with the withdrawal symptoms. I can pretty much guarantee you he is drinking during the week also.
It will only progress from here unless he gets help, but he has to want to be sober or efforts will be fruitless. He probably cannot do it on his own at this point and will need daily AA meetings or better yet - a rehab and then AA. They will safely detox him and help him understand his disease. This has been my experience and is also discussed in the book I referenced earlier.
Please understand that it is not a moral failing or lack of willpower on his part - he is an alcoholic and his body is craving alcohol. Please encourage him to take the necessary steps, but protect yourself at this point, because this will not be a 90 day sobriety miracle. Recovery requires a lot of work beyond jiust abstinence. So much comes to light once the substance is removed. That is why AA is so effective - it addresses all aspects.
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes tha man..
I'm sorry to hear what has happened London. If he is drinking in the morning his addiction is now in control. He's crossed the line of having much say in the matter because he feels so bad physically that he needs to keep alcohol in his system to cope with the withdrawal symptoms. I can pretty much guarantee you he is drinking during the week also.
It will only progress from here unless he gets help, but he has to want to be sober or efforts will be fruitless. He probably cannot do it on his own at this point and will need daily AA meetings or better yet - a rehab and then AA. They will safely detox him and help him understand his disease. This has been my experience and is also discussed in the book I referenced earlier.
Please understand that it is not a moral failing or lack of willpower on his part - he is an alcoholic and his body is craving alcohol. Please encourage him to take the necessary steps, but protect yourself at this point, because this will not be a 90 day sobriety miracle. Recovery requires a lot of work beyond jiust abstinence. So much comes to light once the substance is removed. That is why AA is so effective - it addresses all aspects.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 14
Thank you everyone.
I don't have anyone to talk to really about this. I vent here.
You are all right. The addiction has taken over. I've found hidden bottles of drink and hes drunk again today.
he was physically violent to me last night whilst drunk. Kicked me grabbed my throat.He is lost to the drink now.
As much as I want to see him recover 3 times in rehab, countless times at AA and to many detox to count before me I do t think he will ever get any better.
Pure breaks my heart
I don't have anyone to talk to really about this. I vent here.
You are all right. The addiction has taken over. I've found hidden bottles of drink and hes drunk again today.
he was physically violent to me last night whilst drunk. Kicked me grabbed my throat.He is lost to the drink now.
As much as I want to see him recover 3 times in rehab, countless times at AA and to many detox to count before me I do t think he will ever get any better.
Pure breaks my heart
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,374
Originally Posted by sage1969 
@London85 please keep yourself safe. I'm concerned for you in that he's seeming to be escalating quickly.
Take immediate steps to secure your own safety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
London I don't want to scare you but I really don't know that you are safe to be there at all? Is it possible someone could pick you up? Ideally you could call the police and have him removed.
He could potentially have strangled you, even if he didn't mean to. This has escalated quickly. Is he a strong guy? Is it possible he could break the door down? Again, I don't mean to scare you but he is very volatile for whatever reason and you can't trust him at all, not even a little bit.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources...strangulation/
He could potentially have strangled you, even if he didn't mean to. This has escalated quickly. Is he a strong guy? Is it possible he could break the door down? Again, I don't mean to scare you but he is very volatile for whatever reason and you can't trust him at all, not even a little bit.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources...strangulation/
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
London how are you today? I only just caught up from not logging on over the weekend. The escalation here is really alarming. Throat grabbing in particular is an incredibly dangerous sign, and can cause damage that isn't immediately apparent. Do you have a bug out bag packed and friends or family you can stay with?
I wouldn't tell him anything at all about what happened if he doesn't remember it, anything about how it made you feel, and anything you have planned going forward. If you can grab your important items quickly and quietly, I would get the h*ll out of there.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
I wouldn't tell him anything at all about what happened if he doesn't remember it, anything about how it made you feel, and anything you have planned going forward. If you can grab your important items quickly and quietly, I would get the h*ll out of there.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
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