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strugging today

Old 07-12-2021, 11:45 AM
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strugging today

I didn't sleep well last night... I had an early morning meeting that made it so I couldn't sleep in either. I am struggling today. Last night when I couldn't sleep I missed him. I finally missed him. I don't know if I am just going through the stages of grief fast but they are clear... I may be going through them faster than usual because I have gone down this rabbit hole and we have had several break ups. I for sure went through shock and anger... now it almost feels like sadness leaning towards acceptance. I am sure I with waffle back and forth between each stage. I have been really focused on the bad times since he left. I think it could be a way to protect myself ... but today I miss the good moments. It isn't enough to make me break no contact but it feels like a wave inside me that I have to let flow... I feel like I have held the good memories so close to my heart over the last 2 weeks... so close that I couldn't see them...cause if I did I don't know if I would have been strong enough to let go. I have let go... for the first time in 7 years I have let him go. My ego still wants him to apologize but I know that it would only cause pain if he did... I mean what could I really do with that anyway... Even if he did say he was sorry and he wanted me back... it wouldn't matter. So why do I still crave those words? Maybe it is because it happened so fast... Maybe it is because I would feel seen and heard... Maybe it is because 7 years is a long time to spend with someone daily and the habit of hearing him and seeing him hasn't faded yet... He still hasn't told his parents yet. Yesterday his step mom sent me pictures of his brothers/and brothers wife baby shower. I just told her that it looked really cute and asked if they got the gift I had sent... The old me would have told them what was going on.... I would have attempted to rescue mission him... I would have wanted them to say he loves you... or I can't believe he did this again... I would have needed some validation. Not this time though... we are no longer together and his family and what they know is his side of the street not mine. I am a little confused that he went across the country and didn't tell his family but that is who he is and I can't control that erratic behavior. I couldn't imagine not telling my dad that I am moving across country away from him... Weeks later, still no call. Maybe he is ashamed deep down... I was close to his family. Maybe he is still drunk... Maybe he got back together with his ex wife... ( the one before me ) ... Maybe he is just a drunk who has been drinking soooo much for sooo long that he is sociopathic ... Some days these thoughts don't get to me...Other days like today, I am filled with over whelming feelings. I am going to the gym in 30 minutes to meet with my trainer and do a hard workout... I am hoping to get some of this anxiety and emotion physically out of me... thank you for listening
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Old 07-12-2021, 11:53 AM
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I'm sorry you are having a bad day today, I bet you will feel much better after your workout.

It's perfectly natural to go over the "good times", but important to remember all the bad (as you have been doing). Sounds like you are just now feeling strong enough to examine some of the good. It's natural to miss someone you have been around so long, good or bad.

I think the only thing you can be certain of is that whatever he is doing, he's doing it with his one true love, alcohol.



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Old 07-12-2021, 11:54 AM
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You seem to be handling it all beautifully, actually…wobbles and all. I know it doesn’t seem that way but you are. Everything you’re feeling is completely understandable and to be expected, so be gentle with you.

It’s rare that these guys actually really truly completely break up with someone, so that may be why he hasn’t told his parents. After all, he might need a backup plan at some point, and it’ll be easier if no one else knows about it. I would suspect he’s definitely back with his ex, at least for now. But she bailed out once so I’m guessing he knows she might again, so…

You’re doing everything right, to the extent that’s possible in an impossible situation. It just isn’t a linear process and it takes much, much longer than you’d think. You will have good days as well as bad, so try to hang on to the good days and on the bad, remember that good ones will return.

Big hug to you.

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Old 07-12-2021, 12:03 PM
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You are doing it! Getting up, getting stuff done, taking care of yourself, maintaining all the boundaries you've set . . . it's hard when you're no longer numb and feeling all the feels. And you have to feel them, that's part of being human. Letting go of the feelings once you've sat with them, that's harder, but you're doing it. The difference is that you know your boundaries, your side of the road, and you're respecting yourself.

It's a hard place to be -- it's where I am right now. But we get to choose, we get to choose every moment.
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Old 07-12-2021, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I'm sorry you are having a bad day today, I bet you will feel much better after your workout.

It's perfectly natural to go over the "good times", but important to remember all the bad (as you have been doing). Sounds like you are just now feeling strong enough to examine some of the good. It's natural to miss someone you have been around so long, good or bad.

I think the only thing you can be certain of is that whatever he is doing, he's doing it with his one true love, alcohol.
Thank you... yes his true love for sure... alcohol .... Thank you for this... The heard days just suck really bad...
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Old 07-12-2021, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You seem to be handling it all beautifully, actually…wobbles and all. I know it doesn’t seem that way but you are. Everything you’re feeling is completely understandable and to be expected, so be gentle with you.

It’s rare that these guys actually really truly completely break up with someone, so that may be why he hasn’t told his parents. After all, he might need a backup plan at some point, and it’ll be easier if no one else knows about it. I would suspect he’s definitely back with his ex, at least for now. But she bailed out once so I’m guessing he knows she might again, so…

You’re doing everything right, to the extent that’s possible in an impossible situation. It just isn’t a linear process and it takes much, much longer than you’d think. You will have good days as well as bad, so try to hang on to the good days and on the bad, remember that good ones will return.

Big hug to you.

Thank you for this... you know how I know I grown... In the past a reply validating that he may be with his ex wife would have made me want to throw up... Now it doesn't... The gym helped a bit. Thank you ... I am still so sleepy from not getting sleep last night. Insomnia runs in my family and I for sure have it. I have been to a psychatrist as well as holistic for it... it seems to not end
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