I'm sorry you are having a bad day today, I bet you will feel much better after your workout.
It's perfectly natural to go over the "good times", but important to remember all the bad (as you have been doing). Sounds like you are just now feeling strong enough to examine some of the good. It's natural to miss someone you have been around so long, good or bad.
I think the only thing you can be certain of is that whatever he is doing, he's doing it with his one true love, alcohol.