PeacefulWater12

Hey Dandylion

LOL, I hadn't heard the codie one! Yup, that was me. Nutty Miss Co-dependency nose diving into everyone elses business trying to fix them (even though they didn't want fixing!)

Now I am out the other side of it, I tell you what it screams at me is how bloody arrogant it is. Someone looking at ANOTHER person and judging what is best for them!! Then wading in and trying to take over control. To make the other person into what the codie judges is best for them.

Embarrassing behaviour. So sick. As sick as alcoholism for sure.

I think we tend to have halos as well as we think we are so kind going around saving people. No!! We go round poking our noses in.

So, today I will enjoy minding my own business!

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for sharing this, Hawkeye. This is what happened with me as well with my drinking. I educated myself about how the getting drunk process works, I played the thoughts through. I got to where I could SEE what I was doing. All the fun went out of drinking.

It became very stark and plain and open. As said, drinking does not work in those circumstances. Also I knew knew knew knew knew that each time I drank I would deeply regret it the next day. Was hard and harrowing to dig through the layers of denial we put in place to support us in continuing to do such a destructive thing. I quit. Eleven years ago. Now the thought of drinking alcohol is entirely alien.

Late AH also got to where he was starkly aware of all of the above but never could quite quit. He used to speak of his sadness of how alcohol no longer worked for him. I understood his sadness. It is like a good, dear, much loved friend has turned against you. A deep sense of loss and grief for that friend.

When we "discover" alcohol and how it works for us, it feels like a miracle. Like we are so blessed to have this magical product that brings us such pleasure. It truly becomes your best friend. AH and I had enormous fun drinking together for many years. I tend to forget that. I usually only remember the latter times when it became a problem. Also as time goes on how our bodies react to alcohol changes, in earlier times the feeling of pleasure and relaxation are far stronger. The best pleasure is at the start of our drinking careers. It dampens down as time goes on.

Good to speak of this, Hawkeye.

PeacefulWater12

Hey HoneyPig

I agree. I think everything we learn in our recovery journey can be applied to all of our lives.

I think all recovery programs are really about learning how to grow up and mature and have adult skills.

Things we weren't able to learn as we were actually physically growing up as for a number of reasons our parents were not able to teach them to us as they didn't know them either.

Speaking for myself, living in my recovery program is a very lovely, satisfying and content way to live. I wouldn't want it any other way.

PeacefulWater12

Doing a nice deep clean on my home. I love doing this. Beautiful sunny day so I can have all the windows open.

Lovely.

PeacefulWater12

Do you know, all this crap from alcoholics comes down to why we put up with it.

Healthy people with good sense of self and good boundaries would not tolerate it for one second.

They would see it and walk away.

A codie sees it and immediately wants to "save" or "rescue".

What repels normal people attracts us.

Then we act all surprised when an alcoholic does to us what alcoholics do.

Like being surprised when a scorpion stings. Like the frog giving a scorpion a lift across the river story that often is told in recovery circles.

So this journey really is all about US, us changing us. When we are fixating on THEM, that is a smokescreen, who cares what THEY did or did not do, what matters is why we sat there and took it.

Once out of the enmeshment, it becomes so much easier to see.

It is never about THEM, it is about ourselves and our own deep need for recovery work and changes to our outlook and attitude. Our need for healing, repair and update.

The emotional rollercoaster our nervous system is in being around that is so exhausting.

The illness this is causing to us. Our bodies being damaged by the stress we choose to live in.

LifeRecovery

Peaceful

My therapist commented to me recently that she believes that co-dependency is the single most damaging behavior in the world and is what has created more problems than anything else.

It blew my mind at the moment, but at least personally it is the truth. I suspect I am not alone.

PeacefulWater12

I believe this based on my experience too. Damaging to the person doing it and damaging to the people around them, especially children growing up seeing it going on, who then repeat it through their life too.

As I have mentioned, I have other addictions I deal with, this by far is the hardest. By far!

At least with alcohol there are periods of relief ie when drunk or passed out drunk.

This is all the time. No relief when we are active in this addiction.

Our brains and bodies get so messed up. Our bodies utterly stuck in trauma mode. Very difficult to shut it down and get back into healthy balance. I am working on this at present. Getting my perception back in the "now". My life is safe and secure now but my brain at times is not caught up with this fact.

I read about 80% of illnesses are caused by stress. The body being held in tension, rigid. Our energy, blood etc is meant to flow freely around our body, not have to fight its way through inner tension causing road blocks along its way. Our brains cannot work properly as we are too busy looking for danger. This continues long after the real danger has gone. It leaves us exhausted.

Most of the time now I am ok, but yesterday I had a trigger hit me and it brought up a lot. Very old pain from when I was a little kid. The trigger being a nasty family member who I had gone very low contact with but I now see I should have gone no contact with. I have been doing lots of work with my sponsor on healing and releasing.

Of course codie behaviour does so much damage to the people we decide to "rescue" too. We stop them having the consequences of their behaviour. We steal this from them. The consequences they are entitled to whether they lead to the person quitting or not but it is their right to experience it.

All this dressed up as us being "nice"! That's kind of the worse part of it to me at the moment, that wolf in sheeps clothing thing. Along we come ready to save some poor alkie who is minding their business, getting hammered everyday, doing what alkies do. We decide to take them on as a project whether they want us to or not! As we know better! Only we don't. We need to butt out and look at healing and changing ourselves. Address our own dysfunction.

Good to express all of this. Ok, I am off to give away my halo, I have officially retired from being a sainted martyr!

Have a good day all.

PeacefulWater12

Checking in.

Been doing lots of work on trauma release from my body. Is going well. Very painful as it physically happens but so worth it to clear it out. I find going into the Childs Pose in Yoga helps it up and out when it is ready. It kind of opens up the body. I can feel it beginning to loosen deep in me so I do all I can to help myself and support it coming out. My trauma is held in the lower part of my stomach.

So it is discomfort for a while, which builds slowly. Then suddenly it is ready and comes up. Acute pain, then gone! I share this in case it helps someone else. I know when it was all new to me, it was scary. I recall writing on here some time ago when I first experienced it and I didn't know what was going on.

Another comparison is that you eat something that is off and you don't know it. That queasy feeling for a while, then a sudden vomit, then relief that is gone. The body has expelled the poison. Then you feel well again.

This is trauma that has been in my body since childhood. Is very old, sticky and nasty.

I am very grateful for my sponsor. It is too much to cope with on your own.

My "fight or flight" is back in balance. On the "off" setting instead of on all the time.

My body feels loose and comfortable. My flexibility has returned. Gosh, when I first unlocked my shoulders and neck muscles, it was very sore and painful. I think they had been clenched for many years! I used some exercises and anti-inflammatories to help heal that. My shoulders now back in the place Nature intended them to be.

I am using top rate self care in all aspects of my life.

I often think how so very blessed we are these days. Whatever help for anything we need is all there online. Plus people are far more open now.

Back when my mum would have been going through this, there was nothing to help. She shared with me that one point she did reach out to the family doctor and was given sedatives. A medical cosh. She told me she took them for a while but was like a zombie so stopped. Obviously this didn't address the root problem. She also told me back then everyone was afraid to speak of mental health issues as they were in fear of being carted away to the local insane institution.

I recall as a little kid that there were old gloomy buildings away from the towns for this purpose. A couple brothers who were distant relatives of mine were in and out of them. It was spoken on it hushed tones. That they were "away" at present. Meaning they had jumped off a bridge which they periodically did and so were locked away. Dosed up to the eye balls then released in due course to again try and commit suicide when they could no longer cope with life. No actual help for them.

So yeah we are really blessed these days.

On that note, I wish everyone a good day.

PeacefulWater12

I can see now that I lived with late AH in a very "amped" up way, if that makes sense.

Everything was wrongly proportioned. The perception was wrong. It was all backwards actually. Little things were reacted to as if they were enormous. As if they were a big crisis.

Whereas the issues that really were big were usually steadfastly ignored. If I tried to mention anything, I would be devalued and undermined to distract from what I was trying to say. Like I was the problem for trying to point out a problem. That there was something wrong with me. I strongly recall this was how my parents acted too. Always had to point fingers and blame instead of simply resolving problems.

I am now slowly and gently putting this right in my mind and outlook. Getting things in the healthy and right perspective.

And do you know what? There are no big things now. Everything is small and manageable.

FallenAngelina

I am finding this, as well, PW.

And yes on the yoga poses. Child's pose is quietly powerful. I'm so happy to read your experiences.

PeacefulWater12

Good morning, Fallen Angelina

Thank you. I always smile at your user name. It is lovely. Yes, I am noticing there are no big problems in life. There are problems sure but they never get big because late hubby is not here to make a big fuss and blow them up.

To give this perspective, as you would imagine I have dealt with his funeral, then all his legal paperwork, as well as mine regarding his death recently which in reality it is pretty big deal but I have done it gently and quietly. Some hiccups along the way but all dealt with in low key way. Each item is being ticked off the list which brings me a feeling of satisfaction.

I find Yoga and all other forms of exercise an absolute joy.

PeacefulWater12

It feels odd for my body to be running on healthy energy rather than the toxic energy created by a body full of stress.

Healthy energy feels smoother and is constant. It gradually fades in a natural way towards the end of the day as natural tiredness sets in. The body preparing for sleep. It remains at a stable place,my emotions feel stable, I can use self control, I can think. I respond rather than react. I pause and think before responding. My voice is calm and low toned. I move slowly but with focus.

The toxic energy created by stress and eggshell walking is very brittle, harsh feeling. It crashes high and low many times a day. it is draining and exhausting. Life feel overwhelming. On edge all the time. Scanning about looking for danger. On red alert. Then at bedtime, the mind is still racing and cannot relax.

I am adjusting well to my new way of being. I cannot remember ever feeling this way before. I probably never have.

It feels deeply good.

PeacefulWater12

I'm a codependent and that's what codependents do - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (I'm a codependent and that's what codependents do)

I was having a read of some older posts and stumbled across this by Bernadette.

Oh My Goodness.

What a read.

Excellent stuff.

It is a rewrite on a piece about an alcoholic. Which was is also well worth a read.

I thought I would link it here and so bump it up here in case anyone else would like a read.

PeacefulWater12

Wanted to share a little victory I had.

Ok, so I have worked on my warped attraction to alkies, addicts etc. I had thought it was going well. Some nice validation came my way yesterday morning.

I encountered an active alkie, I don't think he was actually drunk at the time but it is more about the narc like behaviours a lot of them have ALL the time not just when drunk. Anyways so this person wasn't speaking to me but I was working my garden and his loud booming voice was travelling to my ears.

I was smiling to myself as I listened. What a load b/s he was talking. He was the ex partner of a neighbour and by the sounds of it was trying to hoover her back in.

The red flags were waving at me, almost doing a Can-can dance across my face.

I saw it, I felt in in my gut. It was deeply unattractive and pathetic. He looked and sounded like a pathetic little boy looking for a mum to bail him out. (It appeared the current enabler had booted his little arse out so hence he was returning to try and hoover previous enabler back). He was deeply in the role of victim. Poor him!

It felt great to me. I could so SEE it. No more attraction. Sad and pathetic.

At some point they suddenly looked over at me, then I realised I must had laughed out loud at his performance! Haha.

Progress for me. Big time.

Honestly the b/s was singing out loudly, his fake concern about the ex, so fake, so false, so vomit inducing, manipulation. Did I say b/s? Oh yes I did.

When he had finished his acting performance he walked away to get in his car and called out a hello to me. I just snorted! Enjoyed the moment.

Have a fab day everyone.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks to the sharing in our forum, (my home group ) which then nudges a part of me, I am seeing more of the persona I had taken on.

Several traits, thinking patterns, behaviours I was using all the time were, in reality, coping techniques adopted by me to cope with the very negative, harmful atmosphere I was in. Choosing to live in, I must add.

Techniques learned whilst growing up. Trying to appease parents who were never going to ever be appeased, then trying to appease AH who was never going to be able to be appeased.

I think a lot of the traits are me but are very exaggerated versions. Uncomfortably exaggerated. They are based in the truth of who I am but vastly blown up. To cater for keeping me safe from those around me. My perception of safe. Which probably means safe from irrational people who do harmful irrational things.

So the persona is me x 10 ramped up.

I think this is the key point for me. So I can now identify and bring back down to healthy level.

Those techniques I used had bled over into all of my life, I wasn't just like it with toxic people, I became like it all the time. I do remember when I was aware of shifting between the two ways of being. it was a conscious decision. Like putting a coat on. Then it all merged.

I can let go of that now.

Bring myself back to the healthy level of myself. All the time.

I hope others relate and can share some insight on this stage of recovery.

Have a good day all. Lovely sunny day here.

sage1969

It's taken me some time to read through this chain . . . you all show such thoughtfulness and insight, I'm so happy I've found this group!

My deceased AH completed suicide. Before he died, I went through hell because of his addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, and more). He was violent and abusive. I had to really work to find myself again, and there was not much grief and a lot of guilt that I felt relief.

Part of the work I had to do was let go of really all of my thinking. For years I'd still hear his mainly mean opinions about everything in my head. And I just didn't want to live like that anymore.

It's not always easy because unpleasant things do happen, emotions are what they are. However, I do list my blessings. I thank the Creator for everything, when I drink water, when I eat, when I walk the earth, when I see something wondrous . . . I remain in a place of thankfulness. And so my thoughts are different now.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Sage

Thank you. Thank you also for sharing about your recovery work. Inspiring to read. This is not an easy journey at all. I think it takes a lot of courage to face up to it.

I relate to replacing a critical voice expressing mean opinions in your head. I think mine was my mums voice. Which she got from her mean drunk dad who got his from his abusive drunk dad and so it goes back.

I think a big part of our personal growth has to be turning us into people who are no longer attracted to alcoholics/narcs/abusive people as partners. If we don't do this work on ourselves we will keep repeating our patterns.

Glad your thoughts are so different now. It makes the world a different place.

Enjoy your day.

sage1969

Peaceful, I agree with you on this. We can't change other people but we can change ourselves, to undo the past and allow us to not only be attracted to the kinds of people we want in our lives, but also not continue down that intergenerational road of damage. I want my children to grow up without this same burden. And so it's also my responsibility to use kind words and teach my children how to become emotionally intelligent, not emotionally reactive; expressive but not manipulative; honest but not cruel. Skillfulness takes effort and practice, and I know when I'm not be skillful.

PeacefulWater12

I was just buzzing about getting ready for my day and a thought passed through my brain -

So codependency is ME basing my self worth of pleasing a person who is, due to their own issues, NEVER going to be pleased!!!

How utterly insane is that?

It is like trying to push mud up a hill. Just never going to work. (As well as being completely backwards anyways, a person is responsible for their own self care not people pleasing others).

Also the person a codie is trying to "save" usually doesn't want "saving", they are quite happy crashing along in the wreck they are creating.

Note to self - next time I see an alkie or whatever belting along creating havoc, step out of the way. Fast!


Ok, thank you, back to my day now.

Have a good day everyone.

PeacefulWater12

I think we tell when we are recovering we start laughing again. Finding fun in life. The everything is a very serious heavy weight to carry feeling goes. Another good sign is when we start finding our back story boring. No longer triggers, just feels boring.

Also I notice a sense of humour helps deal with what used to be difficult situations. So say, like I was talking about above an alkie, addict, whatever trying to hook me in with a manipulation which happened to me about five mins ago by text.


I saw it. I SAW the manipulation and laughed and thought " "!!!

The person seemed to be looking for me to doing some J.A.D.E'ing or apologise or some darn thing for something that was nothing to do with me. He was playing the poooooor suffering victim role!!

Humour takes all the other persons "power" away. Anyways I replied and did not even acknowledge his "woe is me" crap!

I keep this person v v v v low contact which suits me fine, if he acts out, he will find himself "no contact"!