PeacefulWater12

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My eyes were opened! - Page 9 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (My eyes were opened!)

Continuing my journey

PeacefulWater12

This post is inspired by sharing on another post I read that really resonated with me.

It was about how an A (or any dysfunctional person for that matter) reads us to see what particular tactic will work on us for whatever it is they are trying to get out of us.

For me with my particular upbringing and ingrained training is to respond to people pretending to be weak and suffering. The poor hapless, victim sort. Who are sad and can't cope and well ok, let's tell it like it is are basically are wailing babies. Wahhhh.

I now see that when I met late AH he obviously read me and then became to act in exactly that way. Bingo!! I was there, like a rat up a drainpipe. Rushing in.

It worked a treat on me. I was hooked in and there I stayed. By using those behaviours he had me hooked. The stories of his suffering, awful life. No one had suffered or had as bad a life as he had!! (I am now rolling my eyes as I type but at the time I believed it all)

For me personally, had he been a yeller, a shouter, or violent. This would not have worked on me. The first time he did any of that I would have dumped him. Walked away without a second thought. I know this to be true as I had done exactly that in other relationships to any trait that didn't work on me.

I now know this about myself. I now know my Kryptonite! So I can avoid it.

Funnily enough this came up yesterday, a neighbour tried to hook me in. He is quite elderly and was pretending to struggle on some steps, he was in front of me. He has done this before (before I realised my Kryptonite) and of course I rushed over and was "helping" and fussing and all of that while he basked in it. He was telling me the steps are unsafe (they are on my property) and he was worried he would fall. They are not unsafe, they are just steep.

So yesterday, he tried to pull the same stunt, started "struggling", this time I just stood and said nothing. I could feel him kind of scanning me looking for my reaction. I gave none, With that, he straightened his body up and bounded down the steps like a gazelle. No problem. W*nker!!

My point being, he was the same, I changed. The whole outcome was different.

Self awareness is awesome. A world changer.

comewhatmay

Thank you for this post, PeacefulWater. This is so very true, I definitely needed to see this. Self awareness is very important. As for being self aware, I want to be able to assess myself, my actions and how my behavior affects others. I do agree people read us, and then act accordingly in a fashion that they know will reel us in or get them what they want. I can now see how my ex fiancé (substance abuse addict) worked his charms on me and I fell hard for him. I realize if I had been more self aware at the time, I probably wouldn't have become involved with him. I also would have left the relationship sooner. I can now reflect back on my lack of self awareness...it actually leaves me feeling quite embarrassed/upset/ashamed. As I was so incredibly blind and in denial. Playing back what happened, I can see how I confused my thoughts with reality. Things couldn't be anymore clearer to me now. Acceptance of my own role in the situation is part of the healing process, but not always easy. I'm regaining my old self little by little and I've learnt a lot from this experience. A hard lesson, but I will eventually come out better for it.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for your thoughts here, Come What May. We will come out the other end stronger and healthier.

Oh boy, I relate to the embarrassment. Oh yeah! Honestly the crap he told me and I lapped up!! Haha. The dreadful, hard life and suffering he had gone through. That his former wife did not understand him (what a cheesy line) and his business failed because his former wife did not support him in it (Um, no it failed because he was drunk all the time), that if I had been by his side, well he would have done great things and been amazing. It was just that he needed the right support. That I would have been that support.

I drank it up! I use those words deliberately. Us drinking up the crap and lies we are told is like an alkie desperate for a drink.

Thing is, addicts don't care about their partners. They don't. They just don't. Now for many years I was in denial that my late AH cared about me. He did not. They do not.

When we come new to this realisation that we are co-dependents, we think we are different and that our particular addict/alkie partner does care. They do not. I will say louder - they do not care. We are second to whatever addiction or addictions they have. Often way lower than second, often last place.

We tell ourselves they care, I am saying it again, they do not. It is common for them to discard us and move to the next codie and that is because they do not care! "Oh but I am different and special and "my alkie/addict" does care about me". No, they do not.

My late hubby did not care about me. I was useful to him. End of.

He "cared" for me when I was doing everything he wanted, the way he wanted it. He would be pleasant when he wanted me to spend time with him as he knew that was the only way I would remain in the room. I used to tell myself this was "quality time" with him. Snort, what a joke!

Gosh, it is liberating to say all of this.

OKRunner

Thank you so much for this. They do not care.

One of the most helpful things someone (LumenandNyx I think) said to me on this Forum early on -- and it stung at the time but I took it in even though it stung and even though I felt very defensive -- is that I need to identify my role in this disaster, too. And although it stung and it still stings to say this, I have now learned that my role is I need to be much more careful to whom I give my care. I am a very caring person. But I gave my care to someone who did not care, could not care, and would not ever care. And I saw that from the beginning. And yet I still gave my care to him. Just as much as he was manipulating me, I thought I could manipulate him and make him what I wanted him to be (a sober, caring person) just by caring for him. And, as we all know, we not only did not cause this but, more importantly, we cannot control it or cure it. Yet I tried to change him.

Next time I meet a man, I need to take it very, very slowly. I need to go at a turtle's pace. I need to see whether he is capable of caring about someone else, desiring of caring about someone else, and/or has other things (alcohol, drugs, another secret woman) to whom he will always be more loyal. Only after clearing all of those hurdles should I start thinking about extending my care. And my care has to be extended not on a quid pro quo basis. I can't control people. It has to be freely given and without expectations.

It's so hard for me to type this because I want to only blame him for his role in this disaster. But I had a role too. I apologize to those on this Forum -- those who gently and helpfully suggested this early on but I reacted/responded defensively.

PeacefulWater12

You are welcome, OK Runner. This is a very painful journey, I think, but once through the pain, then making the changes needed, it brings enormous rewards.

I agree it is so much easier and less painful for us to point our fingers at the alcoholic in the relationship. Call them the "bad guy", us the "good guys" but that is not accurate at all.

We may like to think we are the saintly person taking care of a poor lost soul who needs our help. This is b/s.

Also interestingly, in some relationships, it is the codie who is the violent, aggressive one. In my own childhood, my mum (the codie) was viciously aggressive, yelled and screamed and very violent. She used to physically beat us kids. Smash our toys and bedrooms up whilst making us watch her destroy our stuff that we cared about. She would pick out a particular item if she knew we liked it. In my case I remember being made to watch her stamping on a jewellery box that I had been given as a gift that I liked, until it was in pieces. The ballerina and music box in it utterly destroyed.

I used to think she did this as punishment because we were such dreadful children. We weren't, it was her sickness and inner rage that she was taking out on us.

Whereas dad (the A) was a placid, weak person. He never shouted or hit us kids. Equally though, he did not protect us from her. He left when I was in my early teens and left us there with her.

PeacefulWater12

A tough few hours today. Deep, very old pain coming up and out. I think it started to shift over the last couple of days, memories from a long time ago were coming into my mind from nowhere.

All morning I feel unsettled, then about 1pm then was big release of buried pain. I couldn't pinpoint what it exactly as it was so old and sort of muddled but I don't think that matters as long as it comes up and out.

I had that feeling I described way back in the thread of almost coughing or vomiting it up. It was very forceful as it came up and out. Very painful too. Deep sobbing. As best I could tell, the mix of pain was fear, rage, hurt. Lasted a hour or so. It was in waves. Ebbing and flowing up and out.

The pain was then replaced by gentle, painless crying for a while. It feels like a cleaning process.

I felt I needed to feel it on my own, my sponsor is always available but my gut instinct was to sit this through on my own, that having someone else involved would stop the process which I did not want.

I will speak to my sponsor later, of course.

I am now feeling deep peace and a lightness. I also desperately want a nice cup of tea. So I will go get one.

dandylion

PeacefulWater......as I follow your thread, it seems to me that you are going through stages of the normal grieving process. I think you are still in the beginning section of the journey. I would expect this healing journey to continue for a while more.

Macyc

This thread gives me hope. What is my thing AH used? I don’t know but need a crash coarse.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you, Dandylion & Macy. What I am finding is now my life is peaceful, all sorts of old stuff is coming up. Quite a bit about my parents. Memories that were buried, I think.

My eating disorder is running riot which is very distressing to me. It had been dormant for a long time.

I am also now starting to be able to see just how small and restricted I allowed my life to gradually become. I think when I was in the middle of it, I couldn't see how much of my time was used care giving AH. Especially in the last year or so. My home now looks like a home not a bloody hospital ward. I think I feel grief for the time I lived in that crappy environment.

Macyc

How did your AH die PW? If that’s an ok thing to ask?

AH does tend to use sympathy as a ploy with me. I do lap that up. It works. Nothing changes but it works to keep me stuck for sure. He also uses blame and making me feel bad about who I am, that’s another. Of course, he defines me by a rewritten reality, I get stuck in that also. I don’t know why.

I definitely have a care taking side to myself by nature. Our youngest son has extreme medical needs, he can’t walk or talk or sit up or roll over or even eat by mouth. It makes sense that I’ve steeped up to the plate with my son. My care taking nature was there long before my son. I don’t know that’s a flaw of mine more than a gift to protect. It’s a great quality I believe, just not so great with in the wrong persons hands. It’s special and something I should honor about myself I’m guessing.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Macy

I don't mind you asking at all. His Death Certificate states - heart failure, chronic COPD, diabetes complications and alcohol dependency. He also sadly had brain damage, and a damaged spine. He had a Stroke too which also caused damage to his body.

I have been following your posts about your husband, Macy. His behaviours very much mirror my late husband.

I have no doubt you care for your son in an amazing way. I used to work as a carer many many years ago. Not an easy job, that's for sure.

Macyc

My AH had a few heart related episodes. He now has a defibrillator. He continued to drink and use cocaine for two years after this. Now that he’s been sober for a few months, his heart doctor has even taken him off several medications. Of course he never admitted to doctors about his drinking or drug use. I often wonder if they j is anyway. Because he is successful business wise, he truly believes he is not as bad as “meth heads” or alcoholics or couldn’t hold a job. He thinks he’s in good shape physically I assume because he isn’t overweight.

The self deception is thick.

meanwhile, i am trying hard to not deceive myself. Yet I lack self awareness I desperately want. What keeps me stuck? Confused and so on?

im sorry about your husband.

PeacefulWater12

My AH was told that if he continued to drink, it would kill him but the addiction had such a powerful hold on him, he continued.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, Macy, it takes time to change. I have been working my program for about 11 years. I expect the book "Codependent No More" has been suggested to you. I found it incredibly helpful.

Another book that was very, very helpful to me was "Women who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood. When I read that I felt sure the author was writing about ME!! Haha. It was uncanny.

My late husband liked to compare himself to others who he felt were "worst" drinkers than him. Various doctors over the years suggested he attend AA and he would say that he couldn't possibly do that as it would be full of ghastly drunks! He refused the offer of rehab too for the same reason.

He was on shedloads of opiates too for his pain, I don't think these helped his mental clarity much, plus throw in all the booze he was drinking.

SoloMio

I read that book ages ago--probably in the 80s.. But initially, when I read the title, I didn't think the book as for me because as I understood it, I didn't love him enough! At least that's what he told me. But when I read it I had the same reaction as PeacefulWater--it was so revealing to me! So insightful.

PeacefulWater12

Gosh, yes it was a very old book. I think I came across it in a second hand book shop for a few pence. It was all tatty. The cover on it was very 80's looking. I think it would have been in the 90's I read it.

I think it was updated later to a cool looking modern one cover. A real eye opener of a book for me.

With all these behaviours, you think they are normal until something comes along that makes you question that.

Another real big help for me was the Laundry List in the 12 step program of Adult Children of Alcoholic.

The Laundry List – ACA UK (adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk)

The thing with all this though, I think is once you become aware, you can then change it. The crappy stuff can gradually be replaced with healthy stuff.

Ok, I am off to enjoy this beautiful weather we are having right now, I have a nice day planned.

Have a good day all.

honeypig

XAH grew up in an alcoholic home, and The Laundry List fits him to a T. I grew up in an abusive home, although not with alcoholism, and The Other Laundry List is a good fit for me. Somehow, those two things meshed in an unhealthy but lasting way and XAH and I spent 21 years together, splashing and floundering, pulled down by the weight of our combined unhealthiness, finally unable to stay afloat any longer.

I absolutely agree that awareness is key to starting the recovery process. However, awareness must be followed by action if any change is going to take place. Both XAH and his mother were champs at saying that they'd learned this and that about themselves in AA/Alanon, but neither ever did anything with that knowledge. In order to change, we've got to make some kind of move, even if we're not certain it's the right one. Make the move, check the feedback, and either continue in that direction or regroup and try another.

We do say, so often, here that it's ok to not do anything right this minute, or that it's ok to take "baby steps." Both those things are true, I believe, at various points in recovery, but I think I also need to be wary of letting them become excuses for stagnation. "Do the next right thing" was my mantra for the first year or two on my own, with a lot of emphasis on "do." Since then, I've slowed down in a lot of ways. Again, while this is ok to an extent, letting a rest break turn into immobility won't ultimately contribute to my health and happiness.

PeacefulWater12

Had a lovely day out in the sunshine, some time on my own, some time with friends.

Did some work with my sponsor about yesterdays old, buried crud coming up and out.

I came home, it is starting to sink in that I live in my lovely home on my own. My peaceful, glorious own. I am moving things around, dumped a load more clutter, crap I didn't want. Really making it my own. I love it here. I just love it.

Doing everything mindfully with the goal of reviewing it to see if it is how I want it or whether I can adjust it to suit me better. Sharing this joy with a dear friend who is also doing a mindful review of how they do everything to bring it all up to date too. Is very satisfying.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Honey Pig

We posted at the same time! Oh absolutely, I so agree. Action is what it is all about.

Funnily I was chatting to my pal about this very thing a hour or two ago, about everything in this journey is in two parts.

Part One is spotting the problem which I found difficult for a long time as all the nutty things I was doing, I thought were normal.

Part Two is taking the action. Getting off your arse and taking action.

Which can be very scary but it is so worth it. Yeah, just sitting and talking endlessly about stuff does nothing. It is action that brings the changes.

I think this is where having a sponsor or recovery buddy is so good, you can have the discussion, pinpoint what needs doing, then feedback when you have done it, as you mention, Honey Pig. Keeps a good focus, I think.

When I first started my recovery journey, I used to joke to my sponsor that for me to actually be aware of something it had to pretty much bash me over the head! I have got a lot better now at self awareness. I was so very shut down before.

I like "do the next right thing too".

I know the Big Book makes a real big deal that we MUST take action. Not just sit round talking about it!

Many thanks for posting.

LifeRecovery

A comment my therapist said to me when I was in the thick of things

Two unhealthy people can be in a relationship. For me this equation worked out An active addict + a food challenge person living with significant codependency = relationship

Two healthy people can be in a relationship (I have not figured this part out yet, but I believe it)

But one healthy / working on healthy person and one "unhealthy person" or someone not willing to work there recovery means an uneven, unbalanced, unable to be in relationship situation.

I hate that I needed the relationship that got me here, but I really did to discover my own worth and learn to trust myself. I was headed for it because of my own history, but also am grateful that I took the leap and jumped at recovery.

Once I FINALLY learned that if I kept the focus on me I had the opportunity for growth, expansion and well being it made all the difference. For me keeping the focus on my loved one and my relationship kept me stuck.

Peaceful I forgot to get this for you some time ago. The book that helped me deal with grief was The Grief Recovery Handbook. It helped me to understand that my divorce was a multilayered grief that opened some old wounds that needed to heal. I also love Eating in the Light of the Moon regarding how my food stuff was impacted by all of my stuff, and it arose when I was learning new things or dealing with older challenges I had not allowed myself to feel during that time.