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Does the pain ever stop?

Old 04-20-2020, 05:31 PM
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Does the pain ever stop?

Oh where to begin, I guess the very beginning. I meet my ex boyfriend through a dating site. At the time he was newly separated from his wife of 11 years, she moved to California and took their three children with her. We started seeing each other after three weeks of talking online. Things went well in the beginning. I went on a vacation with my sister and her family to Disney World and a Disney Cruise. During that time we still talked and texted every day. He called me upset one day because he ďquitĒ his job - construction - Because the supervisor wanted him to go get an alcohol test because he thought he was under the influence. Red flag I ignored but now recognize. When I got home from my trip we saw each other right oaway. He began to spiral out of control. He lost his truck because he hadnít made a payment on it in over 4 months. He was huffing air duster and on prescription opioids for back and neck pain due to injuries from combat when he was in the Marine Core. His brother came to town to get him and take him to rehab. I thought at this point I should be down with him. Nope! I got sucked in. He went to rehab and listed me as his emergency contact and the only person any information about his care should be shared to. He got out of rehab after three weeks. I went to get him and take him back to his brotherís house to stay until he figured out life. He relapsed less than two weeks and began huffing again. His brother threw him out and Iím begging him to go back to rehab. He spent the night out on the streets and then finally went back to rehab. He successfully completed rehab and this time came back to the area we lived in and not his brother. His house was destroyed by his roommate. She sold all the appliances and trashed the place. There was no water, electricity, or gas. His insurance policy was cancelled by his wife. He couldnít stay there, but he couldnít stay with me so I put him up in a hotel. He took forever to find a job but finally did. His house was eventually foreclosed on. When he came out of rehab I told him we shouldnít drink. He said he didnít go to rehab because he has a drinking problem it was for the huffing. I eventually caved and we started to drink together. At first I didnít see any problems, we were just having fun together. We eventually got our own apartment together and that is when I noticed drinking was a problem. We talked about it and he said he would do better. Two weeks after moving in together I found out I was pregnant. We did plan this. I have always wanted children and neither one of us was getting any younger. He stopped taking the prescription opioids because he wasnít going to the pain clinic anymore. All the guys he worked with were smoking pot so he started to. In the beginning it was just for pain then it became a habit. We started to fight. I had the baby In January of 2019. He never did much to help with our son. He would just drink and smoke weed and pass out. The fighting got worse. I think I developed post partum depression but couldnít really deal with it. We were fighting every weekend. I told him almost every week I was done and wanted him out. He had no where to go so he never would leave. He would just say Iíll be out the end of the month. Then he would do something nice and we would be ok for two seconds. The end of this January he went to visit his other children. He told me he was going to be staying at his ex wifeís auntís house and ended up staying with his children and her-they live with her parents and siblings. The kids sleep on pull out couches. He was supposed to come home on a Thursday but missed his flight because his daughter couldnít say goodbye. He hadnít seen the kids since April of 2018. When he came back he had an epiphany out in California that he was on the road to killing himself with his alcohol and drug use. He wanted to take time to work on him. He said he was moving out the end of the month but didnít know where he would be going. I said fine because we were not working and it is not a good situation for our baby who is now 1. The next day the baby is playing with his phone when a text comes in from his ex wife. He was going back to her. I called him out on his lies and he said he was going back to California to take care of the kids because she had a new orders in another part of California. He said he fell back in love with her. I was done with him at that point. I threw him out. He did not go willingly. He blames me for everything, including his drinking. This was on February 5th. He left our area on February 15th for California. He harassed me via text and calling before he left but never came to see his son before he left. I hired an attorney and have filed for full legal and physical custody of our son and child support. Our court date was supposed to be tomorrow but thanks to corona virus itís postponed indefinitely. Iím seeing a therapist to help me get through this. She recommended this site to me. Some days are harder than others. I donít know why it hurts so much still. He has only checked in our son once since leaving. He says he is going to fight me for custody. Iím hoping the judge gives him nothing. He wants to be able to take him to California but my attorney says that wonít happen since he is so young. Does anyone is else have any experience with this?
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Old 04-20-2020, 09:16 PM
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He can challenge all he wants, I doubt any judge in their right mind would give him custody given his history and the fact that he left the state. Will be a tough situation for a while, but I think you can rest easy knowing that at some point soon it will be you and your child, who will have the opportunity to be raised in a healthy environment as long as you are able to make that happen. And by all means, when things inevitably break down with his ex, be sure not to let him back into your life. Good luck--
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Old 04-21-2020, 05:22 AM
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Will the pain ever stop? Maybe not but it will come and go. It's important to recognise the joy alongside the pain. You have a baby boy. That is a gift.

It is great that you have a therapist to work with. Keep going. It does get easier.
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Old 04-21-2020, 07:05 AM
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Mamabear……"He SAYS that he is going to fight you for custody"...…those are words.
How do you suppose that he can do that?......it takes resources and a stable mind to do that....especially from another state. From what you have shared...he can't even keep a roof over his head by his own means.
Stick with your lawyer...and follow sound legal advice.

You can't force him to be a good father.
You have no control over him.....
The 3 Cs......You didn't Cause it.....You can't Control it....and, you Can't Cure it....

It is important for you to focus on what you can control...…
I think it is time to stop expecting anything from him. And, to stop trying to be an agent of change in his life. That is not your job and it is a fool's errand to even try.

You can control your own decisions and you are in charge of your own and your child's future. This should be your top priority, from here on out....the welfare of yourself and your child....

I suggest that you begin to channel all of the energy that has gone into your boyfriend....to working on your own self and your own life. This is where it will pay positive results!

About the pain.....Yes, you will get beyond it....but, not overnight. You will grieve over the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be---but, can never be.
If you work really hard on yourself....and FOR yourself....the pain will fade over a period of weeks and months....the worst will be over in about a year....if you look forward to your future, and don't get stuck in the past.....
I call it the "short-term pain....for the long-term gain....

Here is what I suggest....in addition to sticking close to your counselor, of course.
1. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum...."Co-dependent No More"......it is an easy read and you will find it resonating with you....I promise.
2. We have a great library of articles, here on this forum, about the effects of alcoholism (addictions) on the loved ones. More than 100 articles. Enough for you to read one every single day.....
This library of articles is contained within the "stickies" ….just above the main threads.
I am going to give you a quick link to this library...for your convenience.
3. Find an alanon group in your area to attend. You will find much understanding, there....and your feelings will be validated....as well as allowing you to do much self exploration.....with others who have walked in your same shoes...
This is in addition to your counselor, of course....

Helpful warning---Don't ever, under any circumstances...no matter what he might promise, allow him to move in under your roof...……
He may well bounce back...when things go south in California.....be prepared!
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Old 04-21-2020, 03:08 PM
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Thank you for your reply

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
MamabearÖÖ"He SAYS that he is going to fight you for custody"...Öthose are words.
How do you suppose that he can do that?......it takes resources and a stable mind to do that....especially from another state. From what you have shared...he can't even keep a roof over his head by his own means.
Stick with your lawyer...and follow sound legal advice.

You can't force him to be a good father.
You have no control over him.....
The 3 Cs......You didn't Cause it.....You can't Control it....and, you Can't Cure it....

It is important for you to focus on what you can control...Ö
I think it is time to stop expecting anything from him. And, to stop trying to be an agent of change in his life. That is not your job and it is a fool's errand to even try.

You can control your own decisions and you are in charge of your own and your child's future. This should be your top priority, from here on out....the welfare of yourself and your child....

I suggest that you begin to channel all of the energy that has gone into your boyfriend....to working on your own self and your own life. This is where it will pay positive results!

About the pain.....Yes, you will get beyond it....but, not overnight. You will grieve over the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be---but, can never be.
If you work really hard on yourself....and FOR yourself....the pain will fade over a period of weeks and months....the worst will be over in about a year....if you look forward to your future, and don't get stuck in the past.....
I call it the "short-term pain....for the long-term gain....

Here is what I suggest....in addition to sticking close to your counselor, of course.
1. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum...."Co-dependent No More"......it is an easy read and you will find it resonating with you....I promise.
2. We have a great library of articles, here on this forum, about the effects of alcoholism (addictions) on the loved ones. More than 100 articles. Enough for you to read one every single day.....
This library of articles is contained within the "stickies" Ö.just above the main threads.
I am going to give you a quick link to this library...for your convenience.
3. Find an alanon group in your area to attend. You will find much understanding, there....and your feelings will be validated....as well as allowing you to do much self exploration.....with others who have walked in your same shoes...
This is in addition to your counselor, of course....

Helpful warning---Don't ever, under any circumstances...no matter what he might promise, allow him to move in under your roof...ÖÖ
He may well bounce back...when things go south in California.....be prepared!
Thank you for your very supportive words. I sobbed like a baby but it was what I needed to read/hear. I just got my copy of Co-Dependent No More on Friday. I am not that far into it yet as I spend most of my time chasing around my 15 month old trying to keep him out of trouble.

Today is a hard day for me because it was supposed to be the status hearing for the custody and support. I have no idea when it will be now because the courts are on a very limited docket due to the corona virus.

Thank you again for your words of support.
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Old 04-21-2020, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by California123 View Post
He can challenge all he wants, I doubt any judge in their right mind would give him custody given his history and the fact that he left the state. Will be a tough situation for a while, but I think you can rest easy knowing that at some point soon it will be you and your child, who will have the opportunity to be raised in a healthy environment as long as you are able to make that happen. And by all means, when things inevitably break down with his ex, be sure not to let him back into your life. Good luck--
Thank you for your words of support. I am not to worried about him getting custody but I worry about visitation. In the almost three years that I was with him he saw his other children twice. Both times were a year and a half or more. I do not want that for my son. I have no idea which way the court will go on visitation but my lawyer said we are going to fight for him to have to pass drug tests and for him to only be allowed supervised visitation. If he could get his life together, I would love for my son to have a father. I just donít see that happening though.
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Old 04-22-2020, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Mamabear116 View Post

If he could get his life together, I would love for my son to have a father. I just donít see that happening though.
We all hope that the alcoholics with whom we are involved would figure it out and become good people, partners and parents; however this is very unlikely for many of them. Of course some do. There is a saying here, "Hope is not a plan." Go ahead and listen to that hope and then make a plan based on the elements you can control.
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Old 04-24-2020, 04:10 PM
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Re: Does the pain ever stop?

He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. ¬ He was with you and his kids are sleeping on pull out couches with her parents and rarely visited them. ¬ That is a huge red flag in my opinion. ¬ I am assuming he didnít pay the child support and has not for you. ¬ I would just be glad he left. ¬ If he rarely saw his children, I doubt he will see yours. ¬ I know people can change but he sounds like he has a way to go. I get you want the father in your child's life but if he is unreliable and still on drugs/alcohol, ¬ maybe it is for the best.¬
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