Hoover or does he care?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ya know how our car side mirrors say: Objects in the Mirror are Closer than they Appear? this reminder is less applicable the more DISTANCE we put between ourselves and said object.
that's how Letting Go works. we just keep moving forward, putting distance between ourselves and THEN. we change our terminology from talking AS IF the relationship/person is still in our lives at this moment, and speak of it/them in our PAST. and acknowledge it's ok for this to become our past. so we can have a new PRESENT. if we only stare at the side mirror, we are going to crash into something AHEAD of us.
that's how Letting Go works. we just keep moving forward, putting distance between ourselves and THEN. we change our terminology from talking AS IF the relationship/person is still in our lives at this moment, and speak of it/them in our PAST. and acknowledge it's ok for this to become our past. so we can have a new PRESENT. if we only stare at the side mirror, we are going to crash into something AHEAD of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Hi all,
First thank you for all your reply's , whether they were the harsh truth or a softer version of the truth , I appreciate that you all took the time to respond to me.
Today is the day xabf is supposed to pay me. I have not reached out and will not. I have done a lot of soul searching this last week , speaking with my sponsor , reading literature and just general thinking.
I am both terrified xabf will and wont reach out and pay me.
but .. I have decided that whatever xabf does is between him and God or his conscious. I have no control and my part is between God and myself ( acceptance that xabf choices are not my burden nor can I will him to do what is right ) it does not reflect who I am as a person.
Unfortunately I cannot block xabf as there is another party involved in this whole money debacle and I have to give xabf the opportunity to make this debt right before they are willing to help and pay me what he owes me.
Wish me luck staying in peace today,!
First thank you for all your reply's , whether they were the harsh truth or a softer version of the truth , I appreciate that you all took the time to respond to me.
Today is the day xabf is supposed to pay me. I have not reached out and will not. I have done a lot of soul searching this last week , speaking with my sponsor , reading literature and just general thinking.
I am both terrified xabf will and wont reach out and pay me.
but .. I have decided that whatever xabf does is between him and God or his conscious. I have no control and my part is between God and myself ( acceptance that xabf choices are not my burden nor can I will him to do what is right ) it does not reflect who I am as a person.
Unfortunately I cannot block xabf as there is another party involved in this whole money debacle and I have to give xabf the opportunity to make this debt right before they are willing to help and pay me what he owes me.
Wish me luck staying in peace today,!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
Hi Horsegirl- my advice to you for now would to be go hour by hour, if you need. Vent/express yourself here, where it's safe, versus trying to "fix" things through communicating with the other person. If you are like I am/was when going through these things, you are in a painful fog. It will eventually clear -- for some people it takes months- for me it took years and I'm still learning things/shaking my head at my behavior and actions in my relationship. To behave differently, I would have had to have been a different person. I learned the very hard way-- basically, my ex had to dump me multiple times before I "gave up." Thankfully, 2-3 years of not being together/being on my own gave me enough space so that when he did vaguely attempt to hoover (I hate using pop psych slang, but can't think of what else to call it), I had lost the compulsion to patch myself up with my idea of him. We are friends now and raise a child together. Sometimes I wonder if we would have liked one another if we'd really been available to one another. Or maybe that's my version of sour grapes. Probably a little of both. Anyway, try your best to spend time with other people/ do other things/get your mind's steering wheel pointed in a new direction. And happy easter/passover/spring.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Hi all,
Update, of course he didn’t pay me, he did however , hang out down at the barn when he knew I was coming (we have to sign up now due to coved 19 ). He didn’t sign up he just showed up. By the grace of god , the one day I decided not to be on time and show up an hour late .. missed him by the skin of my teeth . I am really struggling , depression and I crying all day long . I have an apt tomorrow morning with a new therapist that deals with alcoholism, trauma and emotional abuse. I am not sure why such a short term relationship has me so wrecked. I can’t stop thinking about him . Just needed to tell someone ....
Update, of course he didn’t pay me, he did however , hang out down at the barn when he knew I was coming (we have to sign up now due to coved 19 ). He didn’t sign up he just showed up. By the grace of god , the one day I decided not to be on time and show up an hour late .. missed him by the skin of my teeth . I am really struggling , depression and I crying all day long . I have an apt tomorrow morning with a new therapist that deals with alcoholism, trauma and emotional abuse. I am not sure why such a short term relationship has me so wrecked. I can’t stop thinking about him . Just needed to tell someone ....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I'm sorry horsegirl, you did give it your best try to recoup the money, that's all you could do really.
Why isn't this the same as a "regular" relationship? Because he continues to play with your emotions (may not even be intentional on his part, who knows, but he also doesn't care about other's feelings, or doesn't realize them on any mature level).
In your first thread here at SR you said:
Please take dandylion's advice:
This is why you are confused, this is why you want to see him, he has treated you horribly, so it's not his loving attention you are seeking, it's that reinforcement he keeps offering you in dribs and drabs.
Honestly, he was a pretty poor example of a partner wasn't he? It is completely normal to grieve when you leave someone you care about, but that's not all that's going on here.
I am so glad you are seeking outside help and I really hope seeing this therapist can help you to see what else is going on here. That's such a wise move on your part!
In the meantime, please be nice to yourself, try to put one foot in front of the other and realize you still have you to lean on (and us too!).
Why isn't this the same as a "regular" relationship? Because he continues to play with your emotions (may not even be intentional on his part, who knows, but he also doesn't care about other's feelings, or doesn't realize them on any mature level).
In your first thread here at SR you said:
I am confused ,definitely, the mixed signals are the worst , it keeps me guessing .
Extremely Helpful Tip******Learn about "Intermittent Reinforcement". You can google "intermittent reinforcement in psychology". It is the most powerful form of reinforcement. Who knew?
That is what happens when he contacts you.....
That is what happens when he contacts you.....
Honestly, he was a pretty poor example of a partner wasn't he? It is completely normal to grieve when you leave someone you care about, but that's not all that's going on here.
I am so glad you are seeking outside help and I really hope seeing this therapist can help you to see what else is going on here. That's such a wise move on your part!
In the meantime, please be nice to yourself, try to put one foot in front of the other and realize you still have you to lean on (and us too!).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I'm sorry horsegirl, you did give it your best try to recoup the money, that's all you could do really.
Why isn't this the same as a "regular" relationship? Because he continues to play with your emotions (may not even be intentional on his part, who knows, but he also doesn't care about other's feelings, or doesn't realize them on any mature level).
In your first thread here at SR you said:
Please take dandylion's advice:
This is why you are confused, this is why you want to see him, he has treated you horribly, so it's not his loving attention you are seeking, it's that reinforcement he keeps offering you in dribs and drabs.
Honestly, he was a pretty poor example of a partner wasn't he? It is completely normal to grieve when you leave someone you care about, but that's not all that's going on here.
I am so glad you are seeking outside help and I really hope seeing this therapist can help you to see what else is going on here. That's such a wise move on your part!
In the meantime, please be nice to yourself, try to put one foot in front of the other and realize you still have you to lean on (and us too!).
Why isn't this the same as a "regular" relationship? Because he continues to play with your emotions (may not even be intentional on his part, who knows, but he also doesn't care about other's feelings, or doesn't realize them on any mature level).
In your first thread here at SR you said:
Please take dandylion's advice:
This is why you are confused, this is why you want to see him, he has treated you horribly, so it's not his loving attention you are seeking, it's that reinforcement he keeps offering you in dribs and drabs.
Honestly, he was a pretty poor example of a partner wasn't he? It is completely normal to grieve when you leave someone you care about, but that's not all that's going on here.
I am so glad you are seeking outside help and I really hope seeing this therapist can help you to see what else is going on here. That's such a wise move on your part!
In the meantime, please be nice to yourself, try to put one foot in front of the other and realize you still have you to lean on (and us too!).
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Hi. I think it's early days for you. Before the relationship ended, you may have been focussed on him and fixing things and it is so hard to let that go. But you can do it. One day at a time. no contact. get some good friends, counselling, Alanon, or all three. Also try Kris Godinez youtube videos. She tells you the truth and the truth will set you free!
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