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Old 02-28-2020, 05:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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ER,
I respect that you want to open that can of worms with your parents and family. I think that you are hoping that they have changed. The only one in the family that has changed is you, by going no contact. This was your boundaries, that you will no longer subject yourself too. Now you have a baby, who you want to protect more then God, and you are opening Pandora's Box and letting them in, expecting things have changed. You need to be realistic, that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only gets worse. You will be subjected to hear all the horrible things that happened, when you had protected yourself from, over the last few year. By having contact with them, the stress will start again and you will be that 5 year old in your room, watching this play out again.

I am sorry, but this is your reality of your family. Hoping, praying and opening the door to hopefully changed people is really not to promising. I don't mean to be Debbie downer, but I think that you just had a baby, sleep deprived. You are happy and want your family to be happy and enjoy this event with you. I think you need to write down all the things that made you go no contact in the first place. Put it on the refrigerator and keep adding. After 1 week, look at it and see if you want to invite them into your home. I used to say that my axh could suck the joy out of a room, every time he entered. It just sucked. I would wake up with a smile, see him hung over and miserable and he made each one of my days as miserable as him. Alcoholism is a family disease, not only the addicts are in quick sand.

I am not telling you one way or another, but please take this slow. You are on an all time high, enjoy the calmness, get comfortable and grow together.

Please think about this and be aware of what you are doing. He is still drinking, their lives are still dysfunctional and you are opening that door to let this in your life again. Are you prepared for the fall out and what would be your plan if it does?
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:01 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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So. As of yesterday, I was planning to just go ahead and send birth announcements to my family, including my parents, and let the chips fall where they may. Because, apparently, I can't seem to learn my lesson when it comes to my family.

But yesterday two things happened that have changed my mind: 1) my brother and his gf ignored my request to stay away, and 2) I read maia's post above (which led me to re-reading everyone's posts in this thread).

Brother and gf decided to come here anyway, after I told them clearly and multiple times that we were not accepting visitors right now. I will spare you the ridiculous details of how it all went down. Suffice to say, it ended with my husband threatening to call the cops if they didn't back off. Yep. That's my family. How could I forget. But the most important thing is that I never backed down, and I never lost my s*** with them. I just maintained my previously-stated boundary, never wavered once. I am very proud of that. I have you all to thank - SBM, hopeful, Phoenix, trailmix, in particular. A big step for me.

Maia - thank you for your honest post, especially "You will be subjected to hear all the horrible things that happened, when you had protected yourself from, over the last few year. By having contact with them, the stress will start again". You are right, of course. And it is a good idea to make a list of all of the reasons I went NC with them in the first place. It's amazing, how could I forget how bad it was? Because it was really, really bad.

I read maia's post last night, then read it again this morning, then read the previous posts in this thread, and let it all sink in. And I asked myself: What is the point of asking for advice on this forum if I just continue to lie to myself about reality and ignore the excellent advice that I receive?

So - no announcement to my parents. Indeed, alcoholism is progressive, there is no evidence that they've changed, and as bad as it was last time I saw them, it is surely worse now. I don't need that in my life. Baby definitely doesn't need that in his life.

Not sure if we should send announcements to any of the rest of my family. I would like to try re-engaging with some of them. But I'm apparently having trouble distinguishing between the ones that are "difficult" and those that are "irredeemably toxic". I though my brother and gf fell into the "difficult" category but was proved wrong yesterday in a big way.
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:50 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Good for you for sticking to your boundaries (and your Husband too!)

The fact that they showed up anyway is appalling, truly. Perhaps from now on they will take you seriously. Also great that you just stuck by your guns and didn't engage in the madness.

Personally? I wouldn't send announcements to other family members at all. This is a time when you should be peaceful and happy, not torn up about all of this insanity. They will all be fine (the family). Those that care will find out eventually and if you are close to any of them eventually you will talk and they will hear the happy news.

For now? Just circle the wagons as you have been doing, let all of them take care of themselves.
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Old 03-01-2020, 11:22 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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OMG! The utter AUDACITY of them to show up even after you specifically asked them not to. Its one thing to show up unannounced, it's a whole other level of disrespect to show up when asked NOT to.

I am sorry that happened ER, for them to do that to you during this period of huge adjustment for you is unbelievable. You certainly did not not the added stress. I think I have only read of one other story on these boards of family members acting so egregiously during the time of a new baby. People blow my mind. Even before I had a clear understanding of boundaries I would have never shown up anywhere I was asked not to. Who the heck does that???

I am sure he thought he'd show up and "trample" all over your boundary and get away with it because he has in the past "gotten away with it". Well you showed him! Good for you and your husband. If this brother is the one sibling in your family you considered the healthiest most reasonable one, then I think you are making the most correct decision to stay no contact with your family. If he is the "good" one...yikes!

You got a glimpse of what it would be like to be re-entwined with the enmeshed horde and you said " no thanks!" (To put it politely.. because I would have probably used a different phrase...)

I hate to say you can "thank" your brother for this gift of clarity, but you can take it as a silver lining to a crappy situation.

Keep flexing those boundary muscles, they get stronger with use and it's an amazing feeling when you realize you don't have to think about them anymore, you just live that way and it feels so damn good.

When we know better, we do better. You are doing great!

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm still kinda gob smacked they showed up!!!!
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Old 03-01-2020, 12:30 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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ER,
I am so damn proud of you!!! ( Yes we all forget the pain of child birth, so we get pregnant again and have to relive it. But you received a baby from that pain so its a good pain.) We are not so lucky with the pain of addictive relatives. That pain will come flooding in faster then you realize.

Healthy relationships are nearly impossible to have with an addict. Nothing ever changes, we hope, but it doesn't, especially if they are still active. By opening up that door they will be like "roaches" and you will never be able to get rid of them again. I don't mean to insult your family, but sometimes we need to recognize who they really are, and accept them for it, very unhealthy people. Your life has probably been so peaceful over the last year and then add the joy of the baby you want to share your happiness. Not everyone is happy, especially an addict and their enablers. So I am not sure how your joy will carry over to them.

Keep working your boundaries. Word will get back to your family and they might reach out. I would let them know that you just had a baby and trying to get adjusted. You will reach out when you are in a good place and leave it at that. Don't let them suck the joy out of your room like I did for 34 years.

Hugs to you and your precious little blessing!!
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Old 04-18-2020, 06:39 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Thinking of you and your child. Please check in sometime and continue to post.
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