I wouldn’t recommend this approach — but it’s what I needed.

My ex girlfriend’s unexpected call a few weeks ago left me in a very dark place. I had gone nearly a year of no contact, and then after hearing her voice... it triggered an emptiness that was unbearable.

Although her call angered me, it did something else... something unexpected. I started to dive deep into myself — to figure out NOT why she is who she is, but why I become so triggered. It’s a long story but I decided to do one task: FORGIVE.

The process began at a book store. I picked up Russell Brand’s powerful book, Addiction. I read it, and then I mailed it to my ex. But I included a note, not to change her or ask her to stop drinking... just to say I read it and I learned a great deal about myself. My actions were unintentionally different and because my focus was finally on myself, I received an unexpected outcome.

She emailed me with a simple response, that she received the book, was thankful and was planning to read it.

I can’t really explain why or how the next approach happened but I could feel myself changing within. I was “detaching with love” for the first time in my life. But I still couldn’t shake the sadness, so I asked her to dinner. Yes, you heard it right... dinner.

Now, I can envision everyone rolling their eyes in disbelief or fear that I may crumble. I would agree on such initial thoughts. This was a huge risk, and no lie... I was pretty scared. But I finally sat within that fear and analyzed, why? Why do I allow her to control my thoughts and the outcome for MY life? Why do I try to control her drinking? There’s a long list of questions I had for myself... and every hour I thought, sh*t... I’m making a huge mistake agreeing to meet.

Then, Monday night came and I chose the restaurant. I tried not to anticipate fear or disorder, just acceptance of all that I can’t control. To just be. She arrived on time, we hugged. We talked, cried a bit... reflected just a little, both deeply apologized... and most importantly, verbally both forgave. And that’s when the total dynamic shifted. Or maybe, everything shifted within myself?

Something BIG clicked! You see, my fears and issues were never about HER. It was about me, about my insecurities. All my focus had been placed on blaming her/her alcoholism, and not within my actions... my triggers... my issues. I allowed myself to sit there across from my ex without fear or an overwhelming sadness — but with forgiveness and a new profound inner peace.

Then she said, you’ve really changed. Somewhat surprised... I said, yes I have.

You see, I can’t explain why the shift in thinking happened for me, but I’m now so grateful for her phone call. It forced me to look deep within myself and to deconstruct my own fears, obsessions, and lack of boundaries.

The issue was never HER drinking. Although it was really tough... the problem, for myself was MY lack of boundaries and how I negatively responded to her drinking. For all those years, I was feeling helpless when in reality... I always had the opportunity to create change within myself. But I didn’t see things clearly.

I suddenly took responsibility and realized it was up to ME to make better, healthier choices.

Before dinner, I read all the powerful quotes I had saved to guide me. A great, simple article on how to deal with toxic people (not alcohol related) helped me get through this: https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-peo...omment-page-1/

“Be understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first. You can reject behaviour, requests and people without turning yourself into someone you wouldn’t like to be with. Strength and compassion can exist beautifully together at the edge of your boundaries. It will be always easier to feel okay about putting up a boundary if you haven’t hurt someone else in the process.”

Don’t you love that quote?... having both strength and compassion!

You may wonder how the dinner ended?
Well I’m now dating someone else that I really like. I told my ex this. She teared up and truthfully, I did too. It’s heavy to want something we can’t change... to dream of a different outcome that has never been... to want/see the very best in someone who is deep into the depths of addiction. All these things are OK to feel — but aren’t building blocks for a healthy relationship.

That’s not to say, I don’t think or believe she can overcome this addiction. She can or she won’t. Either choice, its hers and hers alone.

So I walked her home and for the first time, I let her walk through that front door by herself. Then I took a car home.

Tears are falling as I write all this out. But mostly happy tears. For I finally forgave both myself and my ex. I was able to find the closure I needed to truly move forward.

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing!

**A final thought... I wouldn’t have been able to do this many months ago. In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend this approach. And not everyone gets to a safe place to meet with their toxic alcoholic ex. It’s complex and not always safe or positive. I’m deeply thankful that it worked out — but it’s because I was ready and made sure my decisions were healthy ones.
“Forgiveness is about letting go of expecting things to be different. You’ll never be able to control the past but you can control how much power it has to impact your future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting the behaviour or approving of it – it means that you’re not going to be controlled by it any more. It’s something done in strength and with an abundance of self-love. Don’t forget the way people treat you – for better or worse – and use that to help you live with clarity and resolve.”

Thanks Trailmix, well initially I gave myself the eye roll! I think because I allowed myself to “assume” the same outcome was inevitable, the ONLY option — and then, I realized... instead of “expecting” my ex to change her behavior... it was in MY very power to change my behavior, my responses and the outcome of my life.

The most interesting aspect of this experience was how “different” we appeared to one another. That in itself, says a lot.

I can’t fully explain all my feelings about it now but I stared into her eyes from a completely different perspective. I still had immense compassion, love and empathy for her... but without strings... the guilt, shame, and pressure I evoked on the both of us.

Oh in regards to the book... it’s loved by many because it’s basically the 12-steps but in a more real, “in your face” approach to working these steps... an addict speaking an addict’s language, if that makes sense. Heard the audio book is even better. It doesn’t focus on one addiction but lumps them all up taking away perhaps a certain shame to one vs the other for example.

FWN, how interesting... yeah the word forgiveness is thrown around a lot but hey... it can only come when you’re deeply ready. I can’t explain it. And no words, not in my entire lifetime can truly equate to how good it felt last night. Not in a blinded way, but in a compassionate human-to-human way. The inner peace and feeling of acceptance is really healing.

Now prior to all this... I thought I had forgiven her (& myself) but now, I know otherwise.

The talk of closure is definitely brought up a lot. And real closure comes from yourself —but I will add, receiving closure from her I’m so deeply grateful for.

And, I know it meant a lot to her.

PerSe; I can relate. I, too was plagued (and still partially) with the "was I right to leave or was I wrong to leave?" mindset. I believe it’s one of the most painful life/relationship dilemmas (especially with addicts), so I think first... the concept of “forgiveness of self” comes into play. For the shift in mindset comes when you consider, “I was right to leave, at the time, with the only life/survival tools I had.” Extreme environments (like alcoholic homes) often create extreme reactions to situations where both individuals ironically share a common feeling of helplessness and a lack-of-control. Yet, they look to the other for change, instead of looking within. At least in my experiences.

One of my favorite forgiveness quotes come from Oprah; “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

So powerful! There’s no resolution for the past — but there’s resolution for the now.

During dinner with my ex, she teared up a few times after saying how much she loved me. And I said, I’ll always feel the same way. She then said, why can’t we be together? My heart sank. I paused as I had to be very aware and considerate of my response. I said something like, because I wouldn’t want the same repeated outcome.

She nodded. And for once we both agreed that there was a lot of self work to be done. What that means for her... up to her? But I certainly know all the work I need to do... especially if I remain in partial contact with her. I’m not figuring that out right now. One day at a time...

My love for her hasn’t changed — although perhaps it’s ironically a healthier love. But my approach to dealing with “us” has... now that I’m finally dealing with me.

Sasha, interesting point-of-view... but I didn’t cry with my ex “wanting what I couldn’t/can't have.” I could have gotten back with her right then... but that would have healed no one. You took my words out of context. What I was elaborating on was... I will always want the best for her as a human and someone I loved deeply. She helped me through well over 10 major surgeries! What kept me returning to the dysfunction was hoping the outcome would be different, but never was. I “wanted” a version of herself that she wasn’t able to give me at that time.

You’re misreading what forgiveness is all about, in my opinion. I didn’t commit an affair or raise red flags, just the opposite... I’m learning what healthy behaviors and boundaries are. I needed this closure, and I needed to forgive in order to be a healthy boyfriend for all my future relationships. I’m no good to myself or anyone, if I can’t get past this.

For the record, yes... I just started dating a woman I really like. It’s very early on. But I’m always transparent so told her and she supported my decision. She also said, I trust you and we all have a past.

Trailmix, that’s not fair because it didn’t happen that way. I know your point, but that wasn’t even close to what was on my mind. Geeze guys! Not all men are jerks. Anyone can play make believe with anything... I don’t know what the future holds but that’s why there’s boundaries. I worked with my therapist also prior to even asking her to dinner. Trust me, I’ve done a lot of work to get here.

Everyone has a past... past pain, past loves, past regrets, etc. Could’ve... would’ve... should’ve!?

Ask that then to everyone on this forum, hmmm?

I can’t change the past or even predict the future. I’m here to learn from others, share my story... and hopefully continue to heal. I made major progress whether some of you agree or not.

It’s my own triggers, Trailmix. I wasn’t even thinking about that and now I’m thinking about it. I honestly had no thoughts about “sobriety dreaming” as she’s never made it past 2-3 weeks sober.

Ugh. I shouldn’t have posted. Well I’m still glad I met with her. Anyway...

I enjoyed the post, thank you for sharing. We all do have things from our past that we need to forgive. I think we need to accept there’s a lesson to learn and process so we can grow, otherwise we’re stuck living the same scenario and getting the same results until we comprehend the lesson.

thank you again for sharing, seems you have processed and accepted a life lesson, a hard one at that.

I had a similar impression to Sasha, a certain unease reading your words.

Which is not to say that I don’t think this is progress and a part of your healing journey, I’m just cautious about big epiphanies or breakthroughs ever really amounting to some “final closure” or realisation from which you never look back.

I hope this doesn’t come across as presumptuous or condescending or like I know your situation better than you, just sharing my thoughts based on my experiences.