The power of forgiveness... and a shift in thinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Hey LifechangeNYC,
Thanks so much for the next chapter in your growth. I really find your last year an amazing story.
Your post challenges me to look deeper into my own problems that got me with an addict even though it was decades ago. I suppose this is why I keep reading here.
Thanks so much for the next chapter in your growth. I really find your last year an amazing story.
Your post challenges me to look deeper into my own problems that got me with an addict even though it was decades ago. I suppose this is why I keep reading here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for any sort of future that doesn't see the past repeating.
If someone gives you a big sack of crap, that's on them, if you drag it around for the next 10 years complaining about the smell, that's on you.
If you take the sack to the next relationship, they'll notice the smell too, and the cycle continues.
Very very well done on deciding to cut the crap.
How it was cut doesn't matter, point is, you cut it.
If someone gives you a big sack of crap, that's on them, if you drag it around for the next 10 years complaining about the smell, that's on you.
If you take the sack to the next relationship, they'll notice the smell too, and the cycle continues.
Very very well done on deciding to cut the crap.
How it was cut doesn't matter, point is, you cut it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I think deep forgiveness is transformative for all concerned.
It changes the “stakes”because it changes the people.
I totally get the lightness and freedom you speak of LC.
I’ve felt it too.
We became more than we are when we no longer want anything for or from a person but their healing and joy.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
If that isn’t offering Hope than nothing does. . .
It changes the “stakes”because it changes the people.
I totally get the lightness and freedom you speak of LC.
I’ve felt it too.
We became more than we are when we no longer want anything for or from a person but their healing and joy.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
If that isn’t offering Hope than nothing does. . .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
I think your story is just beautiful, LifeChangeNYC. I'm getting so much out of following how you unfold. Your insights and wisdom and honesty are all so very valuable. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
I started to dive deep into myself — to figure out NOT why she is who she is, but why I become so triggered.....You see, my fears and issues were never about HER. It was about me, about my insecurities. All my focus had been placed on blaming her/her alcoholism, and not within my actions... my triggers... my issues.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Sasha, im not sure what you call red flags, but to me, bigger red flag would be if someone would bad mouth his or her ex and talk sh*t about them, than compassionately “gaze” in their eyes and meet up to talk about forgiveness and mature moving on!? i dont see any red flags there, just the opposite!
Love is always unconditional, expanding and not limiting! (This is what I learn each and every day and always a bit further in depth)! And that doesnt mean being unfaithful, of course! On the complete opposite!
As for your journey NYC, I must say, I had those boundaries from quite early on, and always tried to look through the eyes of love and self-responsibility, but it still brought lot of pain for me when my x and I broke up. He even met me and we talked hours plus he wrote me nice “goodbye” text and I to him and it was almost like in some romance novel, but even to this day, I have phases when I miss him like crazy (we were close friends too) and when anger of “betrayal” kicks in. Its almost automatic, as I know its not the real betrayal! He betrayed himself in this situation, first and foremost. Which is why all that is so tragic. In spite of the love we also both said we will always remember in our hearts and minds.
But I remain single to this day (it has been quite few months now) because I am aware how these waves of sadness cant just be so easily “forgiven” even if we both did our absolute best to have the best break up ever! But it takes time, even after full on forgiveness takes place.
having said that, i am a bit sceptical around your new relationship, as im not sure how “rid” of those feelings of sadness and pain you actually are. But if you can somehow overcome post forgiveness phase with self-discipline around not allowing bouts of tears to overcome you over and over again, then it might be something worthwhile for you.
i would just like for you to be able to stand alone with the same enthusiasm as go into new relationships. I wish you well!
Your friend
Love is always unconditional, expanding and not limiting! (This is what I learn each and every day and always a bit further in depth)! And that doesnt mean being unfaithful, of course! On the complete opposite!
As for your journey NYC, I must say, I had those boundaries from quite early on, and always tried to look through the eyes of love and self-responsibility, but it still brought lot of pain for me when my x and I broke up. He even met me and we talked hours plus he wrote me nice “goodbye” text and I to him and it was almost like in some romance novel, but even to this day, I have phases when I miss him like crazy (we were close friends too) and when anger of “betrayal” kicks in. Its almost automatic, as I know its not the real betrayal! He betrayed himself in this situation, first and foremost. Which is why all that is so tragic. In spite of the love we also both said we will always remember in our hearts and minds.
But I remain single to this day (it has been quite few months now) because I am aware how these waves of sadness cant just be so easily “forgiven” even if we both did our absolute best to have the best break up ever! But it takes time, even after full on forgiveness takes place.
having said that, i am a bit sceptical around your new relationship, as im not sure how “rid” of those feelings of sadness and pain you actually are. But if you can somehow overcome post forgiveness phase with self-discipline around not allowing bouts of tears to overcome you over and over again, then it might be something worthwhile for you.
i would just like for you to be able to stand alone with the same enthusiasm as go into new relationships. I wish you well!
Your friend
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 33
I am in the very early stages of separation, but have had the same shift as you. It’s about me this time. I actually texted him a few days into breakup and said that he wasn’t the only problem. I have my problems too. For me, it’s codependency. I didn’t tell him that bc I imagine he could take it the wrong way. He did say he appreciated me saying that. So, I appreciate your post bc I feel so different this time making it about working on me and not just mad bc he can’t stop drinking. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Forgiveness is very hard for me, a constant battle. I've forgiven my husband, because the alternative was just dismal. Why not believe 'he did the best he could?'
A couple months ago, I reconnected on Facebook with a man I knew in my youth. He's not an old beau or anything, but he was a friend of that person. Last night he messaged, "Have you heard from Joe?" (Not his real name.) So I swallowed the bitterness and snark, and said, "Oh no, not since the mid-eighties. He was as close to you and Bob as he was to anyone." Today I received a warm and heartfelt message saying Joe left for parts unknown over 'frustrations he was facing and perhaps the need to leave his past behind.' Cynically, I think that if he treated subsequent girlfriends the way he treated me, he may well have felt safer many miles away. In communicating with old/new friend, I left these thoughts unexpressed. Old/new was open to seeing Joe again, and but said he "couldn't speak for Bob" who lives nearby.
What the heck did Joe do? I don't know, but I'm gathering it wasn't personal to strike out at me. It sounds like he burned a lot of bridges.
"Oscar" made a sincere sounding offer to get together and gave me his phone number. I may take him up on it. Old beau Joe did have problems with alcohol, to that may have been his undoing. at least out her in the east.
Anyway, acting as if I wasn't still bitter may have netted me a new person in my life. Yay, me.
A couple months ago, I reconnected on Facebook with a man I knew in my youth. He's not an old beau or anything, but he was a friend of that person. Last night he messaged, "Have you heard from Joe?" (Not his real name.) So I swallowed the bitterness and snark, and said, "Oh no, not since the mid-eighties. He was as close to you and Bob as he was to anyone." Today I received a warm and heartfelt message saying Joe left for parts unknown over 'frustrations he was facing and perhaps the need to leave his past behind.' Cynically, I think that if he treated subsequent girlfriends the way he treated me, he may well have felt safer many miles away. In communicating with old/new friend, I left these thoughts unexpressed. Old/new was open to seeing Joe again, and but said he "couldn't speak for Bob" who lives nearby.
What the heck did Joe do? I don't know, but I'm gathering it wasn't personal to strike out at me. It sounds like he burned a lot of bridges.
"Oscar" made a sincere sounding offer to get together and gave me his phone number. I may take him up on it. Old beau Joe did have problems with alcohol, to that may have been his undoing. at least out her in the east.
Anyway, acting as if I wasn't still bitter may have netted me a new person in my life. Yay, me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by velma929
Anyway, acting as if I wasn't still bitter may have netted me a new person in my life. Yay, me.
One of the best things I ever heard about forgiveness was that "the first step in forgiveness is admitting that you aren't ready. to forgive." I like that.
Thanks Lifechange and all for this great thread!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
